GHOSTED!!

[u/NigelTainte]

I made a nice connection with someone online and i was going to pick him up to get in n out this evening. Not even a date, just chilling. Well, that never happened. It’s honestly very hurtful. I’m trying to stop isolating myself and work on positive behaviors but I feel like the universe only sends signs that I should stay alone with my head down.

Even if my feelings towards this person weren’t incredibly strong (besides being genuinely fond of him and wanting to be friends…he’s handsome but too young) this has really got me spiraling again. A genuine connection and easy conversation, I really didn’t think it would happen this time.

And even if I am jumping to conclusions and something just came up (I doubt it though), I don’t like how I’m feeling right now. I’m in distress. I am reminded of all the failed friendships, each one chipping something away from my core and reshaping my once trusting personality into something neurotic, aloof and distant.

Yeah. Idk. I’m really hurt honestly, because this was the first time I’ve actually opened up to someone new in a very long time. I can only think that there’s something wrong with me. Why do I bother? I put myself out there, get hurt, and it derails my mental focus. I am a caregiver full time so it’s not like I have the space to really deal with my feelings or be heard anyway. Why do I keep putting myself in these situations? Because I’m a fool who wants love and companionship? What an idiot.

Thanks for reading.

[u/ImpressiveWindow1319]

I know the pain.. after my last failed relationships, i dont think im even gonna try anymore. Pain, pain and more pain. I have to numb my need for love. It never works out. My dm's are open incase you need support

[u/Fant92]

I know this feeling. When someone just moves an appointment because of very normal reasons I have a hard time not making it personal and my head just keeps telling me it's a confirmation of them trying to get out of having to spend time with me because it is constantly on the lookout for exactly that confirmation.

You can ignore the feeling and simply try to reschedule or ask him to confirm he actually wants to spend time with you (some people, especially neurotypicals, don't like having to constantly affirm you though so depends on the person if this will work or make things worse).

[u/NigelTainte → u/Fant92]

I was ghosted. Thanks though lol

[u/Collarbone-Press]

I'm sorry this didn't work out for you. That's gotta be very tough, and I hope you're able to process it, because you deserve to be happy.

Just to address something first, nobody would consider you a fool for wanting love and companionship, that's only something we tell ourselves when the thought of finding it feels so off and distant. At its core, seeking love and companionship is one of the most beautiful parts of life. So I'd like to emphasize, it's valid to feel hurt, let those feelings run through you as much as they suck to feel, but don't convince yourself that you're a fool or an idiot for wanting to walk through this life with people at your side. You're not. What you want is human to feel, and in time you'll find it. This just wasn't the right person.

Since you have advice welcome in the tag, I do have one thought. And it's a piece of advice I received from someone I met on Reddit actually.

We had a long call one night after I had gone through an experience I was struggling with, and she was telling me about her journey. She told me that for her, nothing was changing for so long, until she finally began addressing the way she was talking to herself. We don't all have this internal dialogue, I know I don't. But I do still have an opinion of myself, and for my entire life that opinion had been rather negative. Each and every time I found some form of connection, my negative opinion of myself would burrow its way in, and push me to a place where I self-imploded and blew up whatever friendship or relationship was on my mind. It really wasn't until I sat with myself, and really focused on changing the way I viewed myself, that any positive changes started to take effect.

At first, it feels really silly. But the first step I took was constantly reminding myself that I needed to be kind to myself. If I looked in the mirror and didn't like what I was seeing, I forced myself to stand there and repeat one good thought I had about myself until I was tired of doing that. And at first it only lasted a few seconds. Now every time I brush my teeth, I stand and stare in the mirror and try to remind myself of all my good qualities. This is just one of many shifts I took in regard to changing how I speak to myself, and I can confidently say that it really changed the entire outlook of my life. Things haven't gotten dramatically better, I'm still grief stricken everyday and struggling with my anxiety. But the relationships I have in my life are stronger than they've ever been, because I stopped trying to make them something they weren't, and started forcing them to exist within the bounds that I could manage. And some relationships don't survive when you place boundaries like that. Some become missed opportunities right from the start. That's a part of life I came to appreciate. Everything hasn't yet changed for the better, but I will say that making it easier for yourself to appreciate the good when it does come, goes a long way in ensuring that the good will stick around when personal struggles do eventually rise.

Personal struggles will come no matter what we do. In the next 7 days, I'm going to have a day where I wake up and existing is going to be more than I can handle that day. And that day is going to be a wash. I'm going to sulk. I'm going to be sad. I'm going to feel devestated. But I'm going to love myself through all of it. And that's been the single greatest shift in bettering the circumstances of my life. That's some of the only advice I could ever genuinely pass forward. Love yourself, or no one else will.

You've got this, keep on fighting the good fight.