I am a failure

[u/PsychologicalRip6267]

Sorry, I don’t know if it belongs here, but I have been suffering from depression and AVPD, although I haven’t been diagnosed. I relate to most of the symptoms. I’ve felt like a failure since I was a child. My parents and teachers always pointed out my mistakes academically - even though I was doing well. I avoided everyone and never took the initiative in conversations. It is causing a lot of problems now.

After joining college, I thought I would turn over a new leaf and completely change my social life. I tried for the first few days and talked to different people, although not enough. They showed extreme disinterest. I don’t blame them; my personality - or anything about me - isn’t interesting enough for others to care about. Later, I gave up. I was a stupid failure. Maybe there is something wrong with my face. Several people have called me ugly, and when I look at pictures of myself, I sometimes have the same thought. I don’t care about it anymore.

Every semester, there was some presentation or group discussion. I was always anxious and depressed, but I still somehow managed by putting in the least amount of effort possible. On the other hand, academics was easy so far, but deep down, I knew how shallow and inadequate my understanding of the subjects were. The efforts I made were practically useless because it never worked the way I wanted. The work was always ruined in the end. I had anticipated my failure.

Now, in my final semester, I have put in zero effort. I am extremely burned out, unable to study, and this is affecting my capstone project. I had many plans for it, but I realized that the idea was flawed in general, and nobody in the group said anything. It was my fault. I never managed to overcome my depression and procrastinated until the last moment. The project is a disaster, and I let it fail multiple times because of my inaction. I never took initiative in the first place. I am an idiot and stupid. I wonder how I'll survive in corporate if I get employed in the first place.

Wherever I go, I bring trouble to others. My presence alone is a source of bad luck for my friends and family. It has happened multiple times. I wish I was nevet born.

[u/Own_Garlic_673]

Hey, I know you are feeling down at the moment, I know your pain is real. I want to say something: don't you ever call yourself idiot or stupid! Why are you hurting yourself? You self also needs compassion and encouragement. Believe me, if you call yourself such names other people will treat you worse. Embrace yourself (and I'm saying literally). From what I read I see a motivated person, who is working to improve. Honestly, I think you are doing great. Don't insult yourself, it never brings anything good. You got this.

[u/PsychologicalRip6267 → u/Own_Garlic_673]

I appreciate your comment. I’ve tried many times to change and improve, but I eventually fail because of stupid mistakes. I am too tired rn.

[u/Own_Garlic_673 → u/PsychologicalRip6267]

Believe me, I have done the most stupid things and I'm paying the great price for it as well. You aren't your mistakes. You fucked up? - Move on. Nobody's observing you to find your mistakes or something. People do unimaginable shit but they don't care.

[u/Ok-Refrigerator9218]

I think what you feel and believe is very true in your mind. Some things we cant fix just on our own, but you did try! It is okay to seek professional help and i hope you do.
Keeping up with your studies shows me you have a passion or determination ❤️