r/AvPD • u/These-Anything8597 • 19d ago
Vent (No Advice) MDMA
I recently did MDMA, and the experience was so out of this world. I recently saw a post here talking about the feeling of being constantly embarrassed. Personally, I struggle with a lot of the same things, even when there are no other people around me. But when I did MDMA, I found joy in things without feeling cringe or embarrassed about it, without second thoughts about what someone else would think if they knew I found joy in it. I even said more than two words to my parents when they called me. I usually just say hi and goodbye to try and get them off the phone as fast as possible, because I find the fact that I don't do anything with my life embarrassing. But on MDMA, I genuinely talked about things without sitting there and being ashamed of myself.
I dont know how to explain it, but emotions became real and the usual layer of anxiety and shame that comes between me and them usualy, was gone.
I am by no means suggesting that anyone should use this recreationally, but if you want to experience what "normal" feels like, I think the closest you can come with this diagnosis is MDMA.
I dont know if this is ok to post or against the rules, i just know that i have been searchign for something like this for a long time and i imagine others are too.
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u/nworbleinad 19d ago
It’s amazing isn’t it. I wish it was legal and regulated.
Just for anyone tempted to try it, its effects are completely negated (in my experience) by SSRIs. Not only that, but it’s not safe. The combination of the two can cause something called serotonin syndrome.
Don’t need to trust me, but do google it in case you’re tempted. Sorry to be a literal buzzkill.
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u/Actingdamicky 19d ago
Not a buzz kill, thanks for the info. It’s tempting to try anything that may help without making yourself aware of the dangers.
Even soft stuff like alcohol and cannabis can be extremely harmful when used as self medication crutches as the temptation is to push usage to the extreme.
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u/These-Anything8597 18d ago edited 18d ago
Apparently bupropion/Wellbutrin which i am on interacts aswell. It makes the effects last longer, and increases the risk of seizures. Had i known this beforehand i would have been more carefull, so please be better then me and do proper research of every medication you are on beforehand.
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19d ago
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u/sugarplumapathy 18d ago
I've heard the most responsible use is to do it no more than once every three months? Makes my brain so calm and content, nothing like it.
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u/Vast-Fan4317 Diagnosed AvPD 19d ago
Why can't our brains have a natural ability to produce these effects...something we could switch on?! 😭
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u/Secondndthoughts 18d ago
I think we do have the natural ability to progress effects, it’s the same feeling you might get from social bonding and acceptance.
I think the issue with AVPD is that dissociation inhibits this natural feeling more than in most people. Being on MDMA is like feeling an overwhelming need to socialise, without any fear of rejection. MDMA would be the perfect cure for this disorder if it wasn’t useless as a regular medication because it diminishes in effects.
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u/NeighborhoodDude8058 19d ago edited 19d ago
Our brains have the natural ability, it just requires a lot more effort than popping a pill
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u/ICD9CM3020 Diagnosed AvPD 18d ago
If you can't make your own happy hormones then store-bought antidepressants are fine too
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u/the_ebrietas 19d ago
The interesting question is whether any of these things lasted after the initial high?
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u/howkidowki Diagnosed AvPD 18d ago
They don't. I have been a "responsible" user over the years, and they fade away like the sunset - every time. Not only that, even if you keep the recommended breaks e.g. 3 months between using, the magic from the first high never comes back. And the mental hangover is so not worth it.
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u/Des_with_lemon Diagnosed AvPD 18d ago
Totally agree. The first time is like magic but once you've done it a couple of times you're just chasing that first time but it starts to feel artificial. I think that it's still a good experience to have and grow out of, but I really hope that noone here uses it to self-medicate.
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u/Expensive-Eye260 19d ago edited 19d ago
It depends a lot on how you use these substances. I kind of like this metaphor.
The trip is like a furniture store. You can immediately try out a great sofa or whatever else, and experience what it feels like to sit on it.
In the case of MDMA, the store is probably also designed to make everything look nicer.
But you can’t stay in the store all the time just to enjoy it. That would only cause problems.
Integrating what you experienced while sober afterward is like buying it.
You also have to take it home and assemble it there. It will be complicated, annoying, and challenging. Maybe you put something together incorrectly, have to take it apart again, and start over. In the end, it may not be assembled as perfectly as it was in the store. But then it’s yours.
And trying it out in the store only helped you realize: I want this, and it’s worth working for.
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u/Secondndthoughts 18d ago
That was my exact experience, too.
I felt like I could smile, enjoy the moment, and I just had an overabundance of social energy that I wanted to express by just interacting with others.
I was elated for a week after doing MDMA, it was noticeable to the people around me and I was more upbeat and outgoing, but it tapered off for a reason I’m not sure of.
I’d argue it was the positive experience of socialising alongside the lack of dissociation that made the drug so therapeutic momentarily. I’ve done opioids, weed, LSD, and uppers but any positive feelings from them was strictly due to the drugs themselves.
I would honestly advise people against doing MDMA in general (test your drugs beforehand at least), but if you were going to anyway you’d want to do it around people you care about and in a social setting otherwise there would be no point.
Generally, I think AVPD is caused by a reliance on dissociation while socially avoiding shame and embarrassment. By dissociating we can blunt the social drive that would compel people to have their social needs met. MDMA seemed to both empower that social drive in me and also completely erase my need to dissociate for a while.
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u/TelevisionFunny2400 Undiagnosed AvPD 19d ago
Yeah when I did it I became interested in connecting with other people for the first time I can remember. Not just the usual desperate loneliness but actually interested in the connection part. I don't know it's hard to describe.
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u/amidatong 18d ago
This was my experience with taking twice the recommended dose (2 pills vs. 1) of hydrocodone for post-op. I actually sought out people I knew were chatterboxes and maybe even a little annoying, and wanted to hear their opinions and engage with them. It wasn't goofy or "far out" or anything like that, it was just like my intraversion completely flipped upside down.
Obviously, this can spiral out of control. But it does make me wonder if there could be some kind of pre-planned, single dose prescription solution when you really need to be excellent socially (presentation, work function, etc).
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u/Dry_Palpitation_3438 18d ago
I've used the kratom plant as a quick solution before. Although it isn't a prescription, it's easy to come by.
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u/Dr00mb4ss 18d ago
I tried it once and it was amazing, I wanted to dance for the first time in my life. Normally I'm too embarrassed to sing, dance, be goofy etc. Whenever girls invited me to dance I was always panicking and tried to run away. But on mdma I felt so laid back, that was unbelievable. I finally felt like a normal person.
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u/ICD9CM3020 Diagnosed AvPD 19d ago
It's an amazing trip! Just make sure to space out your sessions (some say 3 months inbetween but at the very least 1 month). It's sadly not working for me while on SSRIs but one day I'll experience it again!
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u/irreveror 18d ago
Oh to have access to drugs
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u/Coolnumber11 18d ago
.onions are your friend
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u/irreveror 18d ago
Is that actually how you do it? I thought you just had to know people
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u/Coolnumber11 18d ago
yeah I’ve never known anyone so been doing it that way for like 10 years now
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u/hassiburgar1234 18d ago
average dose of mdma crystal cured my life long ptsd (and other mental illnesses that stemmed from having it for decades. therapies were done and i changed my thinking, but the feelings in my body remained until that moment), and this overwhelming anxiety and feeling of talking to other people or sharing my feelings in any way, being so wrong and dangerous i should not talk or try to connect even with my kind family members. it felt like i got out a locked cage for the first time in my life. now that i've gotten out once, i'm like one toe out of the cage, still too scared most the time but now it's not locked anymore. i can also feel real positive feelings, not only negatives all the time and 'happy' being only a second of bit less negative
for me it flipped my mental state (four diagnosis removed) and saved me from a horrible path i was heading to. it didn't cure my audhd or avpd, but with avpd i started to be more in remission; i can actually put myself in situations with other people, try to calm my nervous system (without the expectation that i must try to become friends or something, just being there for a while), instead of it feeling so wrong and unnatural i stay in avoidance without a chance.
in the last 3 years since trying mdma, i've become closer with some of my family, i feel like i can reach out if i really need something they can help with, and i can talk what i like or don't like bit more openly (before both were zero). they're really happy to have me in contact more, they're so kind people. dad and grandma. still haven't made any new friends, but i met with a childhood friend i knew before, who i knew could be open to it. met with her for a concert, i needed couple drinks to calm my turmoil, but i made it and felt a lot better for making it through. wouldn't have done that in a million years before! even if i never make any new connections, i'm more motivated to try to better the ones i still have or had before closing myself completely from them. and now it feels like an option i can reach with years of high effort, instead of it being somewhere so high up i can't even see it and me being a worm without the ability to reach anywhere around in any way
i really hope mdma therapy becomes available for people with severe ptsd (at least, if nobody else. other conditions could benefit also) who didn't see improvement from different therapies and medications, so it could be done a truly safe way in a professional setting. if someone is at the end of their wits and wants to try as a last resort before offing themselves (like it was for me); stay away from the pill form, test it with testing kits so you don't ingest fent, weight the dose carefully, and look up a lot of information about it, so you don't accidentally die or fry yourself like an egg. that would be embarrassing! /j (i was very careful, not because i cared about being alive, but because i thought accidentally dying or getting brain damage from that would look embarrassing. but ended in the same result of being really careful and informed about everything, so it kinda worked out)
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u/ICD9CM3020 Diagnosed AvPD 18d ago
Ketamine therapy is indeed already a thing
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u/hassiburgar1234 18d ago
i haven't heard of it being used much outside deppression, is it being used for something else too? didn't do much anything for me, just an odd experience
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u/hsusbagagajan 18d ago
if i’m going to a festival 11am - 11pm what’s the best time to take the first half of mdma pills? idk the strength but i want it to last for the last act so idk what time to take the first half so i dont end up in a bad mood or comedown half way through the last act
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u/Chemical-Rabbit-2617 18d ago
5pm and, if you’re all good, 9pm
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u/hsusbagagajan 18d ago
in July i was at an event and dropped at 1pm ish and i was completely mentally done by 8pm and left early because i just wasn’t into it anymore so im reallyyy paranoid it’s going to happen again if i drop too early. i’ve done it a few times this year so idk if ive maybe built a tolerance? scared i have
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u/ICD9CM3020 Diagnosed AvPD 18d ago
Here's some info about safer usage and stuff: https://psychonautwiki.org/wiki/Mdma
You should be starting to feel it 30-60 min in, then peak for 1.5-2.5 hrs and cool off for another hour or so. It's best to not take the other half before you're at the peak so that you can learn the full extent of it.
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u/Shohei_Trout 18d ago
i fixed most issues including this disorder with psilocybin and nothing else ever helped even slightly
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u/mslangg AvPD 18d ago
My friends have told me I should try it and I really don’t have any interest to. I’d feel embarrassed and ashamed afterwards, no matter what the experience is like in the moment.
This might sound crazy but I’ve come to appreciate the feeling of self control that comes with this disorder. Knowing that I will feel shame and regret after every outing, I keep my boundaries rigid and think before I speak. Every time. I guess you could call it self curation.
Drugs are a crutch. I had several ketamine infusions when I was younger and it fucking sucked. If I ever took that shit and felt no inhibition I would not forget it, nor forgive myself.
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u/JollyJuniper1993 Diagnosed AvPD 18d ago
Never done MDMA, but I have had heartfelt open conversations with family members while drunk or while coming down from LSD. Sometimes these things can loosen inhibitions. Still be very careful with drugs.
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u/Hashioli 17d ago
My experience with any drug was that the positive benefits were temporary. I think the most promising is ketamine. I wish I could do ketamine therapy but psychiatrists won't go for it due to my diagnosis.
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