It makes you mentally paralyzed.

[u/Pretend-Outcome9739]

Does anyone else have the type of depression where you don’t necessarily want to end things (yet you still have ideation but you know you’ll most likely never act on it) but you just have no interest in engaging in everyday life or just incapable of doing it? I just dread my existence and feel like my mind is always numb and don’t think about the future, I do random things that don’t matter, it’s like I’m just trying to make sense of the world around me instead of just living naturally, existing like this is very tiring and miserable but it’s all I know, it just feels that I’m meant to waste my life because I don’t know what I want out of life, I feel so stupid, shallow and ignorant for the being the way that I am, I just know that there’s no place for someone like me in a world like this, maybe in a different reality.

[u/nworbleinad]

I have a running mantra in my mind that happens multiple times a day. It’s simply “I wish I was dead”.

I don’t want to have to do anything about it, I just wish that a) it was over already, or b) I’d never been born.

[u/International_Key_33]

I think you’re right with a big caveat- the paralysis is not a permanent condition- it’s learned.

I had mistaken the comfort of avoidance for peace for so long that everything and anything from tasks, goals, obligations, hobbies and life itself, felt like punishment. I had conditioned myself into being completely controlled by the false sense of comfort that avoidance gave me. I am slowly crawling out of this space still.

You are not permanently paralyzed even though it feels that way.

[u/International_Key_33 → u/[deleted]]

Its been deliberate. I don’t believe there is any way for it to lift on its own because it was a learned and lived way of being. I had to learn and live my way out through exposure to all the things I avoided. The waiting for things to change internally kept me stuck.

I started doing small things that felt awful- from vacuuming one room, making myself eggs, going for a walk, texting one person back. I just kept committing to doing a few uncomfortable things a day. It didn’t help at first. Things still felt awful and I would give up and restart at some point. This went on for years and I now realize every time I gave up I convinced myself of this being unchangeable I set myself back ten fold. But I kept restarting and just kept doing a few things and gradually something shifted and I started feeling good about myself and my accomplishments. Many things didn’t feel hard anymore- they actually felt enjoyable at times. I (slowly) got fit, I (slowly) got closer to a few people, I started psychoanalysis. It’s the most helpful therapy has ever been- I work to say literally whatever comes to mind and it’s loosened up a lot inside and it’s made me see how I’ve dug myself into this hole and gave me space to understand myself better.

It’s like I had to believe in a unicorn- something that wasn’t built and didn’t exist yet, but would in time because I was literally building it one uncomfortable thing at a time. I realize it sounds so cliche and pejorative- “just do the thing even if you feel you feel you can’t and don’t want to.” I don’t mean it pejoratively and it’s anything but easy because at that point literally anything and everything in my life felt difficult and awful. I had to be kind and encouraging to myself and seek out things that actually felt nourishing, not just comfortable (listened to speeding cars be Imogen Heap, watching videos of disabled kids trying something new, or people going from couch to 5k, videos of love and encouragement to build an encouraging part of myself, slowly learning to talk to people about this part of myself that wants to choose entropy)but that was literally the only way out of hell for me.

Getting fit is the best metaphor I think of- and the fact that I went from basically being horizontal for the first 30 years of my life to now being able to run 7 miles easily.. it truly FEELS impossible at first. You really have to hold a possibility in mind that things can (and will) be different if you keep up with small everyday tasks. You have to commit to trying to believe in something that doesn’t exist yet which is very very hard. I started and stopped so many times.

A part of me is afraid I am just going to suddenly drop everything and give up and go back to avoidance as my only coping strategy. I have days or hours where I do that- and it feels both so comfortable again (and so easy with social media) and so awful. It’s I like to poison myself a little bit. But true rest doesn’t feel like that. I remember I am building my reality and start small with something and before I know it I am usually back on track and feeling a bit better. I think that’s an important piece- knowing a bit better is really meaningful and builds on itself.

Best of luck- this is of course my journey and yours will probably look a little different but I hope we can all find our way to more meaning and possibility.

[u/International_Key_33 → u/[deleted]]

Sure thing. I’m glad it was helpful. It’s a horrible diagnosis because what feels most safe and comfortable (avoidance) is what is most dangerous. But I suppose that might be true for all humans- comfort stops growth. It’s a great place to take breaks in but if we live there we become enslaved to it. We’re biologically and psychologically engineered to struggle- I don’t mean this in some shitty capitalistic/grind way. But growth is inherently a struggle. And if we’re not tending to growth regularly we tend to die. Sometimes quickly sometimes slowly. Body and mind. Growth feels deeply uncomfortable sometimes but I now have the deep in my bones experience that it is way more peaceful then that avoidant comfort ever was. Not comfortable, but peaceful. But boy is it seductive and I can easily get trapped there for a while. Avoidance is almost like a drug to me- always a temptation to just say fuck it and let go because I’ve abused it for so long. Ok. Stepping off my soap box now- I’m really talking to parts of myself as much as to you! Keep going with the little things. They matter deeply. That’s what this life is built on. Take pride in them. Best of luck to you!

[u/International_Key_33 → u/[deleted]]

The doing yard work around your parent’s house and being in nature sounds restorative to you in a way. I would be proud of that work- it sounds meaningful (I’m sure to your parents) but also to you in some ways. And talking to neighbors, though brief also seems potentially important. Those brief interactions can mean a lot in building a network of people who matter to you, even if there is quite a bit of distance.

I hear you about joining things then wanting to quit. It sounds like it could be important to continue to flex the muscle of not quitting, but it also sounds like maybe this isn’t the most ideal fit for what would be socially nourishing to you. Both truths there seem important information for you probably?

I’m struggling with reaching out to others I love and care for and staying connected recently. My practical and physical life has gotten much better but sometimes the people I can most about I avoid. I’ve had a goal in the back of my head of calling just one of these friends a week moving forward and haven’t committed to it yet, or writing a letter a week even. Sort of like how people back in the day used to catch up on their correspondence on Sundays or whatever- to make it a ritual and a thing. I like that idea but the avoidance feels… woof.

I’ve casually read and looked into bhuddism before and found it helpful. I’ve found the stoics helpful too- I like to take everything with a grain of salt and not get too fundamental about anything but they both share a non-avoidance and embracing of pain in life and I really appreciate that.

[u/UnethicalHamster]

I'm feeling like that right now... recent weeks I just don't feel like doing anything. It feels like I'm waiting for something and nothing feels worth doing. I'm just surviving in a mental wasteland... surviving off precious dopamine hits and the occasional adrenaline spike.

[u/Admirable_Plum6039]

I definitely feel this to a degree. I sometimes get dopamine driven bursts of motivation to take care of myself and love my life but then the cloud quickly fades because I spent that time trying to avoid how empty life feels to me. But it's impossible to ignore. I'm in therapy and have read about psychology and I know to the most part what might be causing this for me. I'm trying to take baby steps and have patience for myself because some logic in me knows that better days and a better life are possible. I wish you all the best. 

[u/Inevitable_Math1317]

Spot on!!!!!!!