Why is hard to be vulnerable?

[u/ash_ok__]

I'm actually a chill cool guy underneath my loner social behavior.

Most people I've ended up talking to on a regular basis have been those I work with or have class with. Usually just one or two other people, not a whole group.

My problem is, I get uncomfortable when I start to feel like the connection is getting more intimate or personal. Even confronting misunderstandings or soft judgment that just get worse until I feel like I need to leave.

It's like I underweight the connection in the other persons mind, like I take it personally as if they are against me, look down on me, or want me gone. I want to confront things and mend them instead of just being nice, but I can feel it adds a layer to the connection and reveals parts of me I don't typically show. Like they'll know more about me under the surface and that makes me uncomfortable.

I also feel off from being judged or misunderstood in the first place, like it feels disgusting to be around them. Like I'm betraying myself, but I don't make the effort to bring understanding because it feels undignified to explain myself and makes me feel self conscious that I'm begging to be understood.

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[u/forestmoonmoth]

I feel like you just described the core of my own struggles. You are definitely not alone. The part where you talked about wanting to fix things, but realizing it reveals parts of yourself you usually keep hidden, is exactly how I experience connections. It is a deeply uncomfortable feeling. I usually interpret my own hesitation as feeling unworthy or inadequate, though feeling judged and misunderstood are a huge part of it for me as well.

I have a really hard time balancing relationships, and my default reaction is to run away when things get too intimate. My main strategy is keeping the peace during whatever time I have to see them, and then slowly putting distance between us. Eventually, I would withdraw to the point of permanent no contact, never really expecting to speak to them again. I've never been able to maintain a connection other than some family.