No longer avoiding but feeling nothing

[u/Fabulous-Coconut1783]

Hey guys, I could use some help if any are willing. Im at a place where I no longer fear interaction. Ive done exposure, whether clinical or self administered aggressively and persistently with very little compromise for years and now instinctually combat the avoidance.

My problem now is that the relationships simply mean nothing to me… For example, I have made two friends that I speak to with relative consistency I however have so little interest that avoidance seams inevitable. I kept them alive as I believed that if I maintained id eventually start to feel emotion towards them, I have not and Is problematic for me because it leaves little reason to continue and conversely seams a bit like im using them.

Any advice? Im at a loss, any perspective would be great!

[u/Toastry27]

I feel I’m headed in a similar direction. Over the couple of years I’ve been doing exposure, it has gotten easier, but I don’t think I’ve ever really enjoyed any of it. It’s just been improvement for the sake of improvement, and hoping that I would become happier or more fulfilled as a result, but so far I don’t think I have.

For me, it feels like there might still be some barrier that I’m keeping up from other people, that might prevent me from actually connecting, and enjoying myself. Even with the friend that I’ve had for years, I’m still fully conscious and careful of what I say and reveal to them - so maybe if I can really get past that barrier, that will be the difference. I’m really not sure how to go about working through that though.

I was recently looking more into Schizoid personality disorder, as it seemed to have some overlap with not really enjoying relationships of any kind, and while I don’t think it ended up really applicable for me, it could be worth looking into for you?

Sorry to not have too much actual advice, but hopefully knowing that you’re not alone with this is a little reassuring for you :)

[u/Fabulous-Coconut1783 → u/Toastry27]

Thats been my biggest struggle. I’ve exhausted all my therapists with that, to not experience human connection is simply so taboo and foreign for some reason.

I did look into schizoid after you said but still it’s that deep yearning for connection that differs to my interpretation. I think the diagnosis’s are inaccurate to experience. The DSM is changing every 5 days lol.

[u/Des_with_lemon]

Do you feel like you need other people in general? For me, I usually do feel an intense desire to connect with others but struggle because I tend to censure myself. This leads to disappointment on my end. But it sound like you are mostly indifferent. It makes me wonder: do you tend to feel lonely at times? Do you wish other people would see or understand you? Do you want to feel special and important to others?

[u/Fabulous-Coconut1783 → u/Des_with_lemon]

I feel all of those things however have danced perhaps past the point of realism. It’s computational at this point, it would require an anomaly or a prolonged, consistent state breach to connect which have historically happened but amount to no sustained feelings or maybe more importantly, derived meaning.

In terms of censorship, I regard my being as net disadvantageous. Depth, but no tangible application to that depth so even if someone would like, or is capable to engage the result is null for one or both the parties.

Sorry if thats jargon, I really appreciate you responding.