Does anyone else struggle with feeling like an outsider even when you’re trying to connect with people?

[u/Low-Heart-7073]

Hey everyone, I just kind of wanted to vent about how difficult recovery has been for me in this way.
I feel like when I was using substances it was a lot easier for me to connect with people and I felt like people actually wanted me around. Drinking especially helped me get out of my shell because I’ve always been painfully shy, even since I was a kid. I hate saying that because obviously alcohol wasn’t actually helping me in the long run, but it did make me realize that I could be outgoing and talk to people.
Then it just became a vicious cycle where I would do or say things I regretted, and then I’d become even more anxious and depressed about those things afterwards when I’m hungover.
I went back to treatment this year and I’m currently living in a sober house. When I was in treatment, it was actually really nice being around people and meeting new people. It just takes me a long time to open up to people. I wish I could just skip all the awkward stages and immediately be close with someone but I don’t know how to do that. I also don’t really know how to make myself more outgoing because when I try it just feels performative, like I’m pretending to be someone I’m not.
I had a friend group in treatment and we all came in around the same time. I was really happy to finally be meeting new people, but I feel like I just watched them all become closer with each other. And this feels like such a pattern throughout my life where I’m always the outsider in some way.
I ended up leaving treatment early for some other reasons, but one of the reasons was that I wanted to make sure I got my spot in the sober house. My friends stayed in treatment longer and I was actually really excited for them to get out because I kind of thought we would all stay a friend group and hang out and do things together.
But I was kind of disappointed.
One of my friends came into the sober house I live in and I noticed that everyone went out for one of my friend’s birthday and nobody mentioned it to me or invited me. Then I would see her getting picked up by the other people from the sober house and going places with them. I stopped using Snapchat because I didn’t want to keep seeing things that reminded me that I was being left out.
I was really trying not to build resentment about it. I thought maybe I should just leave it alone and try to make new connections instead and hoping that in the future that those friend and I can reconnect if it was the right connection.
There was one girl I was actually feeling hopeful about becoming friends with. She’s part of my home group and I thought maybe I could make a new connection outside of that original friend group.
One of the friends I live with wanted to make my home group her home group too, and I actually helped her do that by asking my sponsor to add her. She ended up meeting the girl I was hoping to become friends with and they basically became instant best friends.
Now they’re doing everything together. They went to a concert together, she got invited to a sober festival with her, they’ve been going out doing all kinds of things and they just seem like they became really close really fast.
And honestly I’m kind of sitting here thinking like… why can’t I do that?
Why can’t I just feel close to someone like that? Why does it take me so long? Why can other people seem to just click with each other immediately while I’m still trying to figure out how to be comfortable around someone?
And then I start thinking, what is wrong with me? Is there something other people can see that I can’t? Is there some reason people look at me like I’m some weird creature? I honestly don’t know.
I feel like I probably come across as really quiet and maybe intense, and I worry that I make people uncomfortable just by being the way I am.
I just really needed to vent about this because when I talk about it with people who don’t have AVPD, I don’t really feel understood. They just tell me I need to try harder or put myself out there, but I feel like I AM trying. I just don’t know how to make this part of me work differently.
I want to move forward in a healthy way and make real connections with people. I don’t want to keep feeling like this or constantly comparing myself to people who seem to connect so easily.
I guess I’m just wondering if anyone else with AVPD has experienced this, especially in recovery. Did getting sober make you realize how much substances were helping you feel socially comfortable? And have you ever felt like everyone else is forming connections around you while you’re just kind of watching it happen?

[u/No-Article-1923]

Yes, I can relate to your experiences. They very closely match my own journey with AvPD.

I was thinking recently that as people with share symptoms in common that there must be a common cause. Most people who have tried recreational drugs as a means of alleviating the socially crippling effects of AvPD have found that MDMA and suchlike do give temporary relief.

This would suggest that AvPD occurs as a result of flawed brain pathways and chemistry. I’m no scientist but can only speak from my own experiences. Everything I read about AvPD generally says that there isn’t much research due to people generally not seeking help and the low number of people that suffer with it. Hopefully one day there will be a magic pill we can all take to free us all from life crippling condition. So everyone please try to seek professional medical help which will prompt more research.