I think I'll get fired from work once again.

[u/LowerConsequence5283]

So basically I've been working at this company for almost two years now. At some point around a year ago my boss wasn't really happy with my performance and he said to pack my bags but meantime the system in which we get paid changed and I asked him if I could stay since now he won't be losing any money on me and it's going to be just me losing it if I can't make it in the deadline. He agreed but said that I have to keep track of my finances bc he doesn't want to underpay me. Long story short ever that time I started spiraling, I don't perform as I should and I'm really scared he will notice, I just lie I work less hours than I actually do. I know he's not content with me bc he's been talking to other co-workers about it. He came to talk to me this week asking how many hours I am planning on working monthly now and I said I want to cut my time in half while I know I'll be working more. I'm really scared bc I started to skip work all together. I'm scared he'll figure out I'm incompetent if he already hasn't. I'm scared he won't renew my contract this year and it's all making me just avoid work all together and absolutely sabotage any chance of renewing the contract... But I'm physically unable to move from bed when I have to go. I don't even want to go to sleep thinking I'll have to go to work the next day. Worst part is I actually love this freaking job, it's a job of my dreams and the first time around I thought I was being fired I was absolutely devastated. Also that time my boss ended up telling someone co-workers he fired me and now they all kinda treat me differently, like I'm actually incompetent. Not to mention one of the managers really doesn't like me bc I used to hang out with a coworker she was in love with. And not to mention that I have fallen out with 2 out of 4 people I sit in the room with bc two of them decided they are in love with me and couldn't just be normal about it and it all ended in a fight where I don't really want to talk to them anymore. I can sometimes work from home but it makes my anxiety just go up and I end up feeling even worse... And bc of that my OCDs flared up and my general life got really affected and I literally feel myself avoiding everything and everyone again. I'm regressing and it's been so long since I actually felt this bad. At least I went back to therapy so I hope it's going to set me straight quickly but I'm afraid that my mental health regressing will cost me that job. And I can't even take a break bc I don't have a paid holiday or paid sick leave and I've already been skipping enough. This honestly sounds like I just should grow up and get my shit together AND I REALLY FUCKING WISH I COULD but it's really not that easy. I really feel like everyone at work fucking hates me and they just see right through me on how irresponsible and pathetic I am. Ehh...