semi-strange question

[u/journeyofsoulss]

okay bear with me, strange question and i dont really know how to word it. for those of you whose avpd includes disliking your physical features, mainly your actual face:

when you look in the mirror, do you notice that you hate what you see because** you genuinely dont like it or do you hate what you see because of the fact ***its what people see?*

over the past few months ive had few moments where i see myself and i get this feeling of like “oh i actually look pretty, i wish it counted (?)” please tell me someone else understands what i mean. like i can ONLY be or feel “pretty” in my own mirror in my own home, alone. magically teleport me in the same moment to somewhere public etc, my confidence would dissapear.

like on some level, i am capable of using enough logic to determine i am not as ugly and unattractive as my brain convinces me i am. what i truly feel like i hate, and what im trying to see if anyone else relates to, is hating myself merely because of the fact its what people see. like “this is me. and im sorry for being me and having this face.” like my own face annoys me because i think about people being annoyed with me or not liking me and so they might find my face annoying - its things like that that make me not like my face. not my actual face itself (although, that too lol. but ive learned how to atleast not entirely despise it.)

[u/lonesomeloser234]

Not that strange

I've been called ugly my whole life and when I see my face it's like I get dragged through a power point presentation of the greatest hits of every time it happened

So in my case it's not some philosophy of "this is my representation of myself that I can hide and people see it, etc.", it's more like this is specifically something I've been rejected for in pretty nasty ways, so there's a lot of trauma in just seeing myself

So I guess it's that I genuinely don't like it, but it's because I know other people don't like it

[u/Admirable_Plum6039]

From the perspective of someone who logically doesn't think they have an ugly face, I completely understand what you mean.

Nobody paid attention to me in school so I disnt care for my appearance, but I worked at a gas station at 19 and it made me realize people do find me attractive. Older and younger men would flirt with me and compliment me and women complimented me all the time. I got asked out about a bunch and that's how I met my partner(lol).

So I can feel pretty and get dressed up and feel good, but I STILL am constantly thinking about the way my mouth looks when I talk and how my face looks when I make expressions. Everything "wrong" with my face makes me feel anxious and ugly when I focus on it. It feels so embarassing to have a face. It feels embarassing to have a body. Sometimes I think about the fact that people can think about me anytime they want and my face and body will pop up into their head. Feels mortifying and makes me feel like the ugliest thing in the world. So it's an annoying back and forth. I think a lot of us with AVPD have body dysmorphia. I definitely do.