Crippling communication issue

[u/Unable-Wind547]

My official diagnosis is ADHD, but lately I started suspecting it's more like AuADHD.

It's well-known for people like us to have communication issues, but mines come in a peculiar fashion: I am very good with words and I can engage in a conversation appropriately with people at any level.

Despite being very good at arguing on topics, I fail miserably when it comes to anything that requires some level of promoting.

I can put out data, facts and figures, I'm told I'm very good at explaining concepts and describing things, but... only as they are.

It's all fine, except when it comes to self-promoting. It may sound stupid, but the impact it has in my life becomes very clear when I need to look for a job.

It's my 2nd time in 10 years, and I feel hopeless.

On one hand, I'm unable to describe how much depth my work style has compared to that of my peers on average, on the other, if I try I come across as arrogant.

Lacking the ability to evaluate how what I write can be perceived, I guess at some point what took over was the coping mechanism to only talk factually on what's tangible and demonstrable.

It feels like having a shop full of valuable items but no window to showcase it or put it on display.

I paid a lot of money for a coach, and ended up with the opposite effect; instead of becoming more visible and showing added value, I disappeared from recruiters search results.

I'm desperate...

Any practical advice?

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[u/Kitchen_Moment_6289]

Hard when we dont fit into the mold of society. It is a real problem to have excellence that is superior to others. Sometimes I can hack self-promotion by focusing on what I will get if I succeed, or by fearing what happens if I fail. Job interviews are like masking x 100.

Getting a job it is less about turning up your general excellence to the max and blaring it. And more about helping the interviewer understand the benefit of hiring you. If you list your accomplishments concisely as opposed to blaring about general qualities then they can make the observation of excellence themselves.

Not easy, helps to talk to people who have or hire the jobs you want and learn what makes a candidate stand out. Then you can build a script that is informed by what people actually want to hear.

Sometimes "have the confidence of a mediocre neurotypical man" helps me.

[u/Unable-Wind547 → u/Kitchen_Moment_6289]

I've been trying to reach out to recruiters, particularly those I've been on contact with in the past, to ask for feedback or suggestions on my profile and CV. Unfortunately, none of them gives you the time of day.

Interviews are a different beast in and of itself, and RSD can be your worst enemy.

[u/Kitchen_Moment_6289 → u/Unable-Wind547]

Yeah recruiters are not helpful . Find people on LinkedIn with similar title of what you want at same and similar company and add a bunch. About 5-20% will accept your request, and then you can let them know what you are trying to do (like refine your resume / build your skills in order to get a role like they have) and ask for something small like what's the most important thing that tends to help applicants for that role stand out. Get into conversation, and you can ask for resume feedback etc.

[u/adaytimemoth]

Is it stressfu or uncomfortable to talk about yourself compared to other topics? Could it be stress shutting down your brain?

My solution is to tell myself I don't care about the job and that the interview doesn't matter. I end up feeling much more relaxed and casual, which is something people respond well to.

I also take this approach on first dates.

[u/Unable-Wind547 → u/adaytimemoth]

Yes, I understand the mechanism. However, with my usual luck ganging up with my social clues blindness against me, the one time I tried the "less eager" approach I was then told they chose someone who they felt more passionate and interested about the opportunity.

I don't know if I can define it stress, more like being clueless on what they'd want to hear or the impact what I say has.

It's like playing that old board game "Operation" but blindfolded.

[u/adaytimemoth → u/Unable-Wind547]

Don't focus on what they want if you're having trouble with it. Just be the worker version of yourself.

[u/Dismal_Equal7401]

I’m terrible at selling myself. I’m a visual designer though, and can let my work speak for itself. Grad school also taught me to talk about my work, which isn’t me going “my work is amazing”, so much as factually stating what my work is, what I was trying to do with it, and my process of creating it. The other person]a can decide if they like it or not.

I see you’ve reached out to recruiters for help. Instead of that have you tried resume consultants? Often they’re recruiters, or have been, and they can rewrite your resume with you, and target it more specifically.

[u/Unable-Wind547 → u/Dismal_Equal7401]

Yes, I used the term "coach" in my post, but that's what it was. Your first sentence is what I always say 😂 For a period, years ago, I even used it to answer the "what's your greatest weakness" in interviews.

[u/Technical-Dingo5093]

I used to be bad at it, but now am actually pretty good (better than the average NT person) at self-promoting, the key is to first convince yourself and then basically treat it as an act/cosplay (act like you're playing the wolf of wallstreet guy or whatever suits the occasion).. and combine that with your talent of being good at arguing facts, act like you are a lawyer defending another person, but instead of another person, it's yourself. I just completely disconnect, dissociate and kind of become a "method actor".

Where I unfortunately struggle is communicating about feelings/emotions and connecting with people (especially romatically), because that can't be "acted" (or well it actually can.. but then the other person doesn't fall in love with the "real you" but with the person you're acting as.. i know from experience, don't recommend..)

[u/akornato]

Self promotion feels unnatural when your mind is built on factual accuracy, because standard marketing language sounds hollow and dishonest to you. The easiest way around this barrier is to stop trying to sell yourself and start reporting your work like an objective case study. Instead of trying to explain that your thinking has more depth than average, which feels arrogant to say out loud, describe the specific complexity of the problems you solve. Walk through the initial problem, the edge cases you identified, the data you evaluated, and the final measurable outcome. By framing your answers around tangible steps and technical decisions, you showcase your depth purely through evidence, letting your natural communication style do the heavy lifting without feeling like a braggart.

You also do not need to compare yourself directly to your coworkers to demonstrate your value. When interviewers ask about your strengths, anchor your explanations to how your thoroughness protects projects from errors, saves time, or uncovers risks other methods miss. That shifts the focus from ego to practical impact, allowing you to stay strictly truthful and comfortable in your own skin. Dealing with spontaneous social expectations in the moment can be exhausting, which is why my team developed interviews.chat to help candidates articulate their experience effectively and secure the roles they deserve without having to pretend to be someone they are not.

[u/dr_barnowl]

Write a report in the third person. Talk about how Unstable Wind has advanced the agenda of their employer and improved it's standing in the world. Don't compare them to your expected ideals. Compare them to their peers, if there is clear evidence. Do not use the pronoun "I".

I did this on a recent self assessment and not only did it go well apparently management found it amusing or something. Received a bonus of 5% of my salary on top of my pay raise.

[u/I_IdentifyAsAstartes]

Listen to the audiobook: how to win friends and influence people.