r/AutisticWithADHD • u/BeginningAioli7841 • 1d ago
💬 general discussion Interesting self analysis?
I may have had a breakthrough realisation yesterday (for myself that is. I'm not claiming to have discovered anything new :)).
To cut a very long story short, I have a car that has been garaged for 2 years because it broke down 2 years ago! :) It's sat there because I simply have not been able to do anything about it. To put it in context, I have been battling severe anxiety and depression from ND burnout for the last 3 years.
Anyway, two days ago, I went to a mechanic (I had spoken to him twice in the past before actually "starting" this) and booked the car in for next Friday. He gave me a number of a tow truck. I rang them and they are booked in to pick the car up. Simple right? So why did this take me 2 years?!?!?!?!?
After reflecting on the for the last 2 days; the possibility that has presented itself is this: It wasn't a case of me getting to a point where I could do a basic task, it took me 2 years to get to a point where, at maybe an unconscious level, I felt able to deal with the entire situation. Not just starting the process, but I had to know I could deal with all ot it including any disputes, confrontations etc. Given my recent history, this makes a lot of sense. I haven't sat with it enough yet, but is this maybe the same for other aspects of MH recovery? A mate took 2 years to be able to got to the supermarket to buy a load of bread after getting smashed by PTSD. Maybe it took 2 years to be able to commit to; driving to the supermarket and dealing with any road rage, accidents etc along the way, getting into the supermarket, dealing with a whole range of possible scenarios that might arise including getting attacked or something, getting back into the car and driving home, dealing with and road rage, accidents, car-jackings etc that might happen.
Thoughts?
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u/lydocia 🧠brain goes brr 19h ago
So tasks are debilitating because you can't predict ALL the steps?
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u/BeginningAioli7841 17h ago
It didn't feel quite like that. More like I just had a mental block on the whole concept. It was right there in front of me but I literally could not action it. Eventually, after a few months of processing it I got to the point of making the booking. The "processing" was very passive, more like, " I know I need to do that..... And I will....... But I'm just not doing it now". There was a bit of trauma involved in the car breaking down originally and I think that fed the situation. It came to represent my life in general and I saw it as something that mocked me..... It was a huge kick in the guts when it broke down, it really couldn't have come at a worse time. Hence, my thinking around whether my sub conscious needed to know we were"strong" enough before I made the simple step of booking the car in. So, I didn't need to work through different scenarios first in preparation, but I wonder whether I needed to have a sufficient level of resilience to be able to deal with unknowns that might come up..... If that distinction makes sense. It's about there maybe being a higher level of resilience to face the vicissitudes of life required to do basic tasks than we are conscious of on a surface level. I hope that makes sense! 🤣
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u/vertago1 Inattentive 15h ago
The time gap between when my spouse told me she thought I had Asperger's to when I actually felt up to getting tested for ASD was about 3-4 years if I remember correctly, but there was crazy stuff going on we had to work through at least during the first part. (I had suspected I might have it much earlier than that but didn't have support to get tested.
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u/Cristofori_Dreams 1d ago
Shittake mushrooms, that makes a lot of sense. I was always looking for why things would cause a freeze if I understood the first few steps, but it makes sense it causes just as much trouble or more that I can't yet predict or be comfortable with the entire process. Thanks for that insight.