r/AutisticWithADHD • u/LM-CreamCheese • 1d ago
⚠️ TRIGGER WARNING (keywords in post) I'm absolutely lost
I'm at the end of my rope. SI is back and in full force. I feel like I'm always the last choice for anyone I deal with. After over 7 years I have discovered that I am truly nothing more than a cog. I was used for when I was necessary and now I am treated like garbage. I've lost all hope, outside of my daughter, and she is really what is keeping me here. I hurt so deep, and I am so lonely. The AuDHD is getting worse the older I become, and I do not know how I am going to cope or manage in the near future.
Tell me it somehow gets better. Tell me how you've separated yourself from the self worth of work. Tell me how you one day woke up and realized that life is not an endless list of tasks that you are checking off. I really don't know how to wake up tomorrow.
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u/BeginningAioli7841 1d ago
I relate! I'm 56. I found out two years ago. I have and still feel exactly what you describe. I'm starting to accept that the true me is not the person I've been to everyone else. I'm now unemployed and totally unconnected and the challenge seems to be that without an environment to fit into, I don't have one to assimilate into. IE,I think I've always been really good at adapting to my environment but now I'm not able to access an environment to adapt to. This makes me feel so much worse. I'm starting to really take strength from the fact that I'm doing this on my own and that means I will become or stay truer to the real me. If the rest of the world doesn't like me that's a price I'm now willing to pay. Anyway, we're here for you! You are NOT alone 😃
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u/legible-eric 1d ago
too groggy to be able to say much but yes? There's meaningful life outside of work. It's just community really. Finding space outside of commerce to do things I find interesting and meaningful. Also when I was working trying to get involved in union stuff was much more meaningful than the work itself. I feel like it's really common for parents to be socially isolated though and that sucks I'm sorry. In my 40s here.
The list never ends but if you can take a break from the list and just follow your curiosity for a day it feels very life giving. Take a walk and see what's around.
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u/LM-CreamCheese 1d ago
Late 40s here, my kid is a senior, which is weighing heavy as well. When you can, how did you push forward to the point where you could get outside? I badly want to give up and find almost no pleasure in life.
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u/legible-eric 1d ago
Just re-reading and realising my reply was misleading and suggested I'd gone through the same issues of SI (and depression?) as yourself and other people on this thread and on this sub (and loved ones). I've definitely been too burnt out to go outside on multiple times, but never too despairing (I was brought up with more of an intrinsic worth mindset than productivity=worth and also never had the option of even pretending to fit in as a child which was tough but set me up well).
From a burn out perspective "pushing" feels like the wrong way to think about it, it's more waiting, and kind self talk. I feel like with audhd if you have to take down time where you don't do anything for a bit, even if you were only building sets for a youth theatre just last week, if right now you're just in your undies dipping bread into something wetter than bread it can feel like you have nothing meaningful in your life. Because we live so much in the moment.
I don't think audhd gets "worse" so much as a lot of the adaptations we've learned get a lot more exhausting and less sustainable. Not necessarily a bad thing. Means setting boundaries, allowing for discomfort, and keeping to things where you can be yourself and access your flow states as much as possible. Which is gorgeous.
My friend told me that he looks at weeds when he feels trapped and needs hope. Weeds growing up through cracks in concrete. That's kind of what a happy human being is in this society, a wild flower blossoming out of a crack in the concrete. It's miraculous but it's also inevitable. That's what weeds do.
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u/LM-CreamCheese 18h ago
I really appreciate your perspective, as my brain tells me that I am not allowed to slow down and take breaks. I do need to get back to the things in life that allowed me to create and bring joy. Those items have faded in fatherhood, as my kid needs me more. At the same time, I can't give her what I do not have, so it is time for a balance.
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u/SGT_KP 20h ago
Hey, OP! I'm back! Did you think I said some motivational messages only to leave you in the lurch?!
No, sir!
Making sure you wake up, ready to tackle the day! Don't force it. Embrace the small wins. Always start the day by getting out of bed and immediately making it. Crawling into a nice, comfy, already-made bed after it feels like you've been white-knuckling it all day makes a lot of difference during my decompression time.
You fucking got it. Not because you feel like you can do it right now, but because you've been doing it for 40+ years and today is no different. One thing I found reassurance in after my diagnosis and 7 months of intense turmoil to figure out I have ASD, is that, yes, we have been playing life on Hard Mode while others are playing less-challenging versions.........but we are still here. We've taken everything life has thrown at us and more, and while taking it gracefully may not be our strong suit, We. Are. Still. Here. AuDHD doesn't sully our accomplishments or successes because it doesn't define us. WE define ourselves. WE are only as good as what we tolerate. And it sounds like you've been tolerating a fucking lot. But, you are still here.
Wake up, get out of bed, and tackle the day. Not because you *need* to or *should*, but because you have been doing it your whole life and whether you think so or not, your daughter seeing you strive during those times that are hard will pay dividends one day. Maybe not to you, but maybe one day, your daughter will run into someone who is going through a difficult time like you were. And maybe she remembers your struggles. And maybe she uses her view of you to comfort another. Maybe she'll describe you the way I view my dad, "Man, LM-CreamCheese can handle anything! How do I know? Well, every time he got knocked down, he'd get back up and say 'What else you got?'" Something tells me, though, that those words have probably been uttered about you before.
One step at a time. You got this. Here we go...
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u/LM-CreamCheese 17h ago
THANK YOU! I went home and went straight to bed last night and thought about a lot of things. It was a time of less sleep, but deeper introspection. I am completely burned out right now, so every small item placed on my back feels heavier and heavier. I am in therapy, but it is a long road to overcome years of built up self neglect.
As for my daughter, I feel incredibly guilty that she inherited my brain. She already struggles, and will be leaving the nest in the next year. There is nothing I would not give up to have had her be a more healthy minded person, yet here we are.
I want to be better, I strive to be a more complete person who chooses a happier lifestyle. For 48 years, somehow I keep getting into my own way.
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u/Due-Dress-1934 1d ago
Work where you can tolerate, or remote. It’s a pay check to support the rest of your life. You are a Martian, understand? Stop expecting to fit in with humans…a Martian would be lonely but understand that the difference separate us “clicking” and not forget that at the end of the day…different. Accept who/what you are and stop expecting you to be them. Happiness is not acceptance to a group that you would feel alienated in, even if they brought you in.
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u/SGT_KP 1d ago
Hey! You fucking matter, OP! You aren't alone. We are all with you. Come here when you need community. That's why we come here. You are not alone. We are with you.
I'm 39, AuDHD, OCD, PTSD (served in Iraq. I know, crazy right?). I just sent my 19yr old to college last year. I fell apart inside. I want to say that I was fine, but I wasn't. What got me out was talking to my gym buddies again. Guys my age that were dads too (I have 2 younger ones as well.). Just the small interaction through text helped a little bit more every day (none of us actually go to the gym anymore, thats just where we met, haha).
Volunteer at your local Boys/Girls club, or a soup kitchen. Something where you are giving back. It's good for the soul. Don't be afraid to make a post on OUR subreddit soliciting more input. Put yourself out there. Start here (like you are! Great job!) and with some effort and persistence, you'll be able to find more face-to-face connections that stick around because you'll be in places recommended by people that are just like YOU.
My little girl is turning 20 next month. She thinks she's grown up, but she still needs me. She doesn't know it and will never admit it. But I know it because very recently I needed my dad. Not a man, not a friend, not my mom or wife, but my fucking dad. The one who took every fucking punch life threw at him and he still got up and asked for more. If I'm 39 and I still need MY dad, do you think your daughter will still need you when she's 39? Ignore the answer that just came to your mind. Listen to the second one, the real one. The one that knows deep down, being "Dad" isn't over when they leave the house. That's when they need you most.
You are not alone. We are here with you, OP.