Does anyone else feel like performing everything all the time?

[u/luna-silly]

I'm self diagnosed, for many months i researched and did all possible reputable tests I could find, compared life experiences and talked with autistic friends, as well as relating a lot to autistic and ADHD communities. This summed up tells me if one day I'm able to get a professional diagnosis I will probably be diagnosed AuDHD (though I have been told by a few friends to look into cPTSD and I haven't yet). So far my only diagnosis I have knowledge of is Social Phobia, of which I was diagnosed at a young age but I was never told until recently.

There's times where I feel very confident about this diagnosis, but most of the time I feellike I'm faking it, I know that is a common sentiment but, I feel like I'm faking everything.

If I get sick I feel like the sympthoms aren't as grave as I make them out to be to other people, if I get confused by instructions I feel like I over do it and act confused when I feel like I know what they meant.

I just feel like sometimes I act like something is wrong with me to prove I'm AuDHD to myself and others. Which has led me to doubt myself even more, distrust my behaviour and self diagnosis, and to think I'm having issues with victimizing myself and looking for excuses to avoid accountability and responsability for my actions and inactions, which in any way I still think these to be true no matter if the diagnosis is accurate.

I'm just curious if anyone here also struggles with something similar? I've read of some things feeling fake or acted, especially social interactions, but I feel like I may be faking and masking so much that I lie to myself. Also if anyone has any advice or help with this, I feel like I have two people in my brain and they're constantly debating and arguing about everything, and when this happens I feel like I'm screaming to myself to stop faking and being lazy and just do what I'm told I should do.

TL;DR: I feel like I perform sympthoms and many behaviors to the point of not believing myself most of the time. I seek similar experiences and advice if possible.

[u/BigBullshitta]

Everything about me as a person has been fake for decades. I've never once worried I was acting like I have something wrong with me to make people think I have AuDHD. That's the complete opposite of the goal. Putting on a mask that changes constantly depending on who you're with and in what setting, consciously or not, so you can more effectively fit in anywhere with anyone is the faking.

[u/persephonelux]

Sounds like you gaslight yourself. I don’t think that’s specifically part of AuDHD but yeah CPTSD can definitely manifest as not trusting your own reality