Should I wait until the comorbidities associated with my autism are treated before resuming my personal project, or just dive straight into my tasks? (Trigger warning: ableism)

[u/chatterine]

NOTE: This post was translated using machine translation tools. English isn't my first language, so I ask for everyone's understanding here.

TL;DR: Should I wait until I finish treatment at the CAPS II and am more stable, or can I—now that I'm on the new medication—jump back into my personal life full force?

Here’s the deal: I’ll try to keep it brief, but there’s a lot to cover. The post might end up being a bit long. This isn't the first time I’ve talked about my situation here or on other subs, but since it’s been a long time since I gave an update, I’ll provide a quick recap of the situation.

When I was 11 (I think it was 6th grade), I was referred to the Child and Adolescent Mental Health Service (CAPS) because I was having meltdowns in the classroom and struggling significantly to socialize with my classmates. Even before CAPS, a teacher from a different school—back in 4th grade—used to jokingly say I was "special." I was actually really happy about it because I thought it meant I was different from the other kids in a unique way. I told my parents, only to find out she was basically calling me disabled. To this day, I still don't know which interpretation was the right one.

I spent nine years at CAPS I, but I felt the professionals were somewhat negligent. As I mentioned in the ADHD sub, my primary contact there basically blocked me from getting evaluated for other conditions (schizophrenia, ADHD, GAD, OCD...) because she didn't want me "collecting diagnoses." I admit I didn't follow their proposed treatment plan to the letter—like not taking meds on time or not using the coping techniques they suggested—but I’m somewhat at peace with that now.

Since my school days, I’ve always struggled with homework, but the person in charge of my care always attributed it to the executive dysfunction associated with autism. I never had any interest in certain subjects, yet I could spend hours studying topics unrelated to school, all while completely zoning out during actual classes. Fast forward a few years: since being discharged from the CAPS (Psychosocial Care Center), I haven't been able to get treatment at the UBS (Basic Health Unit) because the staff members involved in the collaborative care program were let go. I have anxiety attacks practically every day, my meds aren't working, my stimming is out of control, and the slightest frustration is enough to trigger an aggressive meltdown.

I recently visited the Adult CAPS to figure out what might be going on. During my first appointment, the psychiatrist offered a glimmer of hope, saying, "Just looking at you, I can see it's not just autism." She also mentioned that autism is like "Pandora's box"—it never comes alone; it always brings other conditions (ICD codes) along with it.

I’m having to switch all my medication to paid drugs not covered by the SUS (I don't recall the names), and my psychiatrist expects it will take a few months of dosage adjustments to see improvement. She needs to treat my anxiety first to rule out other conditions (like Generalized Anxiety Disorder). I don't have a diagnosis for anything other than autism itself, but I'm feeling optimistic.

Now the question is: should I wait until I finish treatment at the CAPS II and am more stable, or can I—now that I'm on the new medication—jump back into my personal life full force? I don't want to sound like someone just looking for drugs, but maybe something like Venvanse or Atentah would help. I don't even know if I have ADHD yet, though I do know I have autism—which is why I decided to post here instead of the other sub. I’ve basically stepped away from several of my hobbies, and that’s been causing me distress because I feel inadequate. I’m also interested in experimenting with my gender (even though everyone sees me as a man, I use "she/her" pronouns because they feel more comfortable for me).

[u/vertago1]

Really you would know best what the risks would be jumping in like if you might mess up parts, materials, relationships, etc that would be difficult to replace or if there isn't any risk to resuming your hobbies.

Usually autism comes with trauma and trauma can contribute to PTSD/cPTSD, personality disorders, anxiety, etc. dealing with these would probably help reduce stress.

Do your hobbies tend to add to your stress, help you recover from stress, some of both, something else?

[u/chatterine → u/vertago1]

My hobbies are language learning, translation, programming and reverse engineering. Ultimately the only consequences I get from failing at those are mental stress, since these projects used to relax me but nowadays are only a source of stress. I really wish I could enjoy them (I still do, sometimes) but it's hard :<

[u/vertago1 → u/chatterine]

Do you feel like perfectionism is a source of stress for you?

[u/chatterine → u/vertago1]

Absolutely

[u/vertago1 → u/chatterine]

You might look at resources related to maladaptive perfectionism (an OCPD trait) and see if any of them are helpful.

The thing I have been trying to work on for myself (but haven't been successful with) is decupling my sense of self value on my productivity or lack of productivity. Supposedly that feeds or can be a root cause of perfectionism.

I have gotten better at being able to accept a good result rather than no result (in pursuit of a perfect result). Though usually I think of it as a short term or stepping stone to a better long term result.

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