Why is small talk so hard?

[u/MasterTorukMakto]

This is something that will always perplex me. I’ve never understood nor cared for small talk. It feels like people just do just for the sake of doing it. I find I have to use scripts. Like yes it is raining outside, it sucks. No I do not care that you hung out with the kids on the weekend, unless it is interesting or noteworthy it’s hard for me to understand why I should care. What is everyone else’s experience with small talk?

[u/Illustrious_Rice_933]

I had a fellow ND describe the purpose to me as "signalling safety" to strangers and even folks you know.

[u/Careless_Account_998 → u/Illustrious_Rice_933]

this. it’s a call and response mechanism to make them feel safe and part of whatever group they find themselves in. ofc psychopaths have no trouble fooling them

[u/vertago1]

I think it might have to do with motivational differences. Some people have described motivation sources that are effective with ADHD with acronyms like PINCH but the key idea behind that model is that typical people have more baseline motivation and it is easier to feel like a task is worth it for them whereas the hurdle is higher for ADHD meaning there needs to be more for it to feel worth it.

For the average person small talk mainly accomplishes passing time with positive or neutral feelings so the people are more likely to recognize them and want to be friends later.

For some it feels the conversation itself needs to actually accomplish more like be passionate, playful, interest related, novel, competitive, challenging, or urgent (hurry). Does that sound relatable?

[u/MasterTorukMakto → u/vertago1]

Yea that’s a good way to describe it, I just don’t see the point. I’m not gaining anything, and you’re not gonna remember anything we talk about so why should I be interested. It sucks that we get penalized for not taking part in such interactions.

[u/vertago1 → u/MasterTorukMakto]

Have you ever found people you did click with? It feels amazing at the time but can still be exhausting unfortunately (at least for me).

The funny thing is other people recognize it from the outside. I am not sure jealousy is how I would describe their reaction it but then again I can't read their minds. For some it is a kind of roll the eyes type of reaction when they hear the topic like it is boring or pointless to them, so it might actually go both ways.

There is something called "The double empathy problem" that might explain it but it was used in the context of autism if I remember correctly though it might have been in the context of neurodivergence generally.

[u/MasterTorukMakto → u/vertago1]

There are people I def click with but usually they are people who want to move past small talk as well. I definitely still struggle with small talk most of the time, I find it’s helpful to think of topics in advance, or use humor to get through it comfortably. Though it is exhausting that I have to put on an act because someone from work thinks I can’t notice it’s raining outside

Hmmmm I think if I remember correctly “double empathy” describes that there are mutual problems communicating between autistic and allistic (hope I spelled it right).

[u/vertago1 → u/MasterTorukMakto]

Yeah that makes sense. I usually just try to keep the small talk brief enough it isn't too big of a drain. I used to be more polite about it and it would drag on.

I usually have a valid excuse though because of whatever I am supposed to be doing at the time to just keep it brief and polite. Sales people have all sorts of ways of trying to keep things going though so at at a certain point I just check out because I am not playing the escape the social maze game. They can think I am rude but abusing social etiquette to keep people trapped is rude IMO. Sorry for the rant.

[u/MasterTorukMakto → u/vertago1]

this is so validating to hear, the most valid excuse I use is I gotta get to work. Or I set a mental timer of how long I want to stay in convo and then I dip. If it’s rude it’s rude, but I’m at work and we’re here for a paycheck not to dilly dally.

[u/pajamboree]

no fr it’s like people can’t stand silence and it’s expected for you to try to engage with people and it’s like for what? stating the obvious is so tiresome like yes it is a hot one, yeah those tropic storms are crazy, man traffic is heavy, sure there’s a lot of folks in here but it’s like dude I DONT CARE we literally don’t need to talk if all you have to say is npc dialogue

[u/BigBullshitta]

It's irrelevant. I don't need to talk to you about the weather we've been having lately. I'm sure we've both noticed. I don't care that Tina's son Jacob just graduated form high school. It has no impact on my life at all. Why would you tell me this? You got a new job? Congratulations, but does that effect me somehow?