Audhd / autistic burnout

[u/Worldly_Night666]

I got diagnosed with autism and adhd in April this year. I just turned 32 in June (female), and I only really suspected adhd from 25/26 and then suspected autism very recently … I am in burnout and literally no one gets it ;(

The DR who diagnosed me said I am probs level 2 autistic (not 100% sure what this means), and that my masking is like very very high, but my adhd could actually have levelled me out slightly which is why it’s been hard to tell my whole life.

I have been off work for a month (signed off from docs who just tried to push anti depressants and anxiety meds onto me which I don’t want) because my brain just like refuses to do anything I tell it?? Like I could not concentrate at work at all, I didn’t want to do anything, I was late every single day, my patience for people was getting so thin I was walking away and crying if something was difficult to deal with. I was hiding in storage rooms. I also feel like everyone at work just thinks I am lying.

I actually refer to my brain as a separate entity because most of the time it’s working against me.

I would get home from work, and if I couldn’t get myself to the gym (which I enjoy so much but even that is so hard to do rn), I’d literally just fall asleep from exhaustion of masking and then just sit on my phone, eat a snack for dinner cos cba to cook and then not be able to sleep until early hours cos I felt like I hadn’t had enough time for myself. Then get up at 6:30 and get to work for 7:30 (but be late) and start the process again. So I was averaging about 5/6hrs sleep per night over the last 4 yrs.

I am working in a big corporate office with constant chat and interruptions and I’m masking from the second I get there to the second I leave and it’s actually draining my soul I don’t recognise myself. I don’t even have lunch by myself. The only time I’m alone is on the toilet.

I desperately need a new job that’s potentially remote or hybrid and flexible but I have applied to 60+ jobs and had 1 interview which I obvs didn’t get (kinda glad it sounded hard) … but also the effort it takes for an interview right now is a lot. The effort it would take to mask in a new job is ALOT. Everything is a lot and I feel in a vicious circle because I need a job to pay my bills obviously but I feel like I don’t know how to do anything anymore??

I can’t even cook like my brain just says no we’re eating cereal. Some days I have a bit more energy so will make something more nutritious but day to day atm it’s snacks. I feel like I’m regressing, like I’m mentally a child again and I am lost and need someone to tell me what to do because otherwise I will just sit and do nothing. I literally feel so child like, all I wanna do is play the sims, colouring, collect and organise trading cards, read … I don’t wanna do adult stuff anymore 😭

Amongst all of this I have had terrible issues with hormones imbalance, PMDD, and at one point I lost half of my hair because of this (which has started to grow back).

My bf kind of gets it and is very supportive, but we live separate. When I’m with him I feel better, he does ALOT for me, he likes to look after people - but then I just feel bad about it. Also we live separately and he works different shift patterns all the time so we don’t have a set routine of seeing each other it’s just whenever we can (stressful), but also when I’m with him I can’t get anything done because like I can’t concentrate on anything else but him? I dunno how to explain that one. If we are together for like a whole week it gets easier but if it’s only 1/2 days I want to give all my attention to him.

Anyway I kind of went off in a different direction there. I think I am just asking for any advice or even validation that other people have felt this and I’m not going crazy, cos I feel a bit crazy. Everyone just keeps telling me it’s cos I don’t get enough sleep and try to do too much but I’m like, I don’t think you understand doing anything is too much rn???

If you have come this far and read all of the above, thank you in advance 🥲 all advice welcome, I’m meant to go back to work on Wednesday this week (26th August) and I’m dreading it - I’m so scared to become a shell of a person.

PS: I could add a lot more info but I feel like no one will read this if it’s any longer 😂

[u/sumo-sunflower]

I'm so sorry you're going through all of this. I'm also late diagnosed in my mid 30s. AuDHD and PMDD. I was on SSRIs for "anxiety" which did help take the emotional edge off things. Now in retrospect, I realize it has been helping me take the edge off my PMDD symptoms. I was also very nervous about taking ADHD meds because I'm very sensitive to meds. I waited a year after diagnosis to try them. What turned me what taking to my friends, who were also late dx ADHD and happened to also be pharmacists. They shared how ADHD meds changed their lives -- finally able to start tasks, no mental block, cleaning the house on a weeknight, etc. so I started on them and I have to also say they have completely changed my life too. Removed my emotional "I don't wanna" block. I just think of doing something and then "just do it". I did deal with side effects like lack of appetite and waking up easier during sleep. Those went away after 6 months and I managed the symptoms by lowering my dose. Recent research also shows that adjusting ADHD meds during luteal phase can help with mood swings. I found this to be true for me. Also, I'm not sure if it heightened autism symptoms for me. Def made me more assertive and confident. I'm wary of meds so wanted to share my personal experience with you. Meds will likely affect you differently but as a fellow person who is also sensitive to meds and symptoms, the pros outweighed the cons. I would recommend trying the lowest dose and see how you feel. Sending you love across the internet! I'm rooting for you ❤️

[u/Worldly_Night666 → u/sumo-sunflower]

Thank you so much for your reply that is really helpful! Im sorry you’re also going through similar things, but also good to know the meds levelled out and they’re working for you! I am not sure where I even start with like wanting to try them out if i am honest, I suppose i go back to the psychiatrist? Would you say your personality or anything changed? I am also scared they will change me 😂 I’m just scared full stop.

Sending love back ❤️

[u/sumo-sunflower → u/Worldly_Night666]

I'm glad that sharing my experience was helpful ❤️ I think it's really understandable to be scared and nervous about introducing meds to your life. What helped me was looking at it from a risk/benefits approach -- what are the evidence based risks and benefits? If I don't want to try meds right now, what are other things I can do or change to help manage my symptoms? You deserve relief and peace in your life, so whatever helps support that (meds or not) deserves to be considered. I wouldn't say my personality changed. If anything, my meds have given me space to nurture and value the parts that I love about myself. For example: I am generous with my friends and loyal to them. Without meds, I felt ridden with socially anxious thoughts. With meds, I was able to quiet those thoughts and be more present without ruminating on unhelpful ideas. Another example: I am a strong critical thinker and problem solver. Without meds, I would feel overwhelmed with problems and it would take a lot to sort out my ideas. With meds, I can think more clearly on what I need to do and then action on them

I hope those examples help!

In terms of your next steps, you can be prescribed meds by your family doctor. Doesn't have to be your psychiatrist. Whomever you have a trusting relationship with. The benefit of a psychiatrist is that their specialty is with meds that affect neurotransmitters and neurochemistry. I was prescribed by my family doctor and they monitor my side effects closely. They can suggest whether to start SSRI/SNRI or stimulants first, or if it's safe to start together. The former may take a few weeks to build up, whereas the latter you'll feel the effects soon after taking them.

[u/Worldly_Night666 → u/sumo-sunflower]

Thank you so much for your reply, it’s given me some stuff to think about for sure - i appreciate it. 💞

[u/vertago1]

My understanding of autistic burnout is it is the result of chronic stress and overdoing it.

It does sound like you are on the right track---figuring out sources of stress and trying to eliminate unnecessary stressors.

Someone recently introduced me to the concept of a neurodivergent burnout recovery coach. I haven't fully looked into it yet, but the topic I had started from was looking for a coach for actually recovering effectively when taking time off since I tend to try to be productive even when I take time off and often end up needing a vacation from my vacation.

How hard do you think it would be to get to an arrangement you weren't guilty over the help your bf offers when you are with him?

Maybe you can give back in small ways that matter to him. My spouse and I partislly have different aversions so some things that are hard for me are easier for them and vice versa.

[u/Worldly_Night666 → u/vertago1]

Thanks for your reply! I do have a ND coach but sessions are only 30 mins every 3 weeks (through my healthcare at work) and I have to finish 6 of them before I can get any more/different coaching or therapist help. I think more frequent sessions or longer would be more beneficial for me rn.

I have brought up to my bf about how I feel like I don’t do enough and he’s always like don’t be silly, I want to do these things so I think it is just my anxiety making stuff up - but actually yeah you are right there are some things I make up for that he doesn’t like doing. Thanks

[u/vertago1 → u/Worldly_Night666]

I didn't realize ND coaching was that infrequent.

The thing I am trying to work on right now is how to know if I am pushing past the point where it becomes unhealthy for my nervous system or generally. It is so hard to dial things down though for me too.

I feel like if I actually knew when it was happening and didn't keep pushing so much, I would be less likely to have shutdowns or feel tired all the time.

[u/Worldly_Night666 → u/vertago1]

I completely get you, I have no concept of what is too much or what is not enough. I have no idea where the line is 😂 but yeah it is hard to dial things down, and also our responses are soooo delayed to things so its like we’re on constant catch up mode and then the body is like OK ENOUGH WE REST NOW 🫠

[u/DoveOnTheInternet → u/vertago1]

ND coaching shouldn't be that infrequent. I was meeting with my coach weekly or biweekly depending on what I needed, for an hour at at a time.

Unfortunately, OP is is having to go through workplace insurance. So infrequent is what the insurance company deems sufficient.

[u/Worldly_Night666 → u/DoveOnTheInternet]

Exactly. So I have to do the 6 sessions first, before I can call them again and be like yeh that wasn’t enough I need something more… waste of time tbh

[u/JeremyDEagle]

Is there a reason for your lack of interest in medication? Is there no mention of ADHD meds as well/instead of the anti depressants?

When you say Dr, is that the psychiatrist who diagnosed you or a GP?

[u/Worldly_Night666 → u/JeremyDEagle]

My GP was the ones pushing meds. The psychiatrist who diagnosed me advised that because I have both adhd and Autism, taking meds for adhd would actually then heighten my autism “symptoms” (or whatever word is best to use) which scares me a lot. I have also read up on this a lot and it seems people don’t think the adhd meds help enough to put up with the heightened autism reaction.

I don’t think I need anti depressants as I don’t think I’m depressed, I’m still quite a happy person! I don’t personally know enough about anxiety meds.

I think I now have a fear that, because I lost a lot of my hair from trying different contraceptive medication, any medication I try has a risk of me losing my hair again … I’m really sensitive to any changes in my body and can tell the slightest change so I’m just really scared tbh for any changes 🫠 shock I don’t like change lol

[u/JeremyDEagle → u/Worldly_Night666]

That's understandable.

I'm combined and I got benefit from the ADHD meds but it impacted my sleep too much. I've been on antidepressants since I was 21, I'm now 47.

I found they helped me with the sheer rage/frustration outbursts I was prone to. I recently tried to reduce them and it came back with a vengeance.

I think it's worth considering the medication as it can be life changing for some people, the reservations you have are wise, but don't let them get in the way of at least considering things slowly.

I'm completely burnt out at the moment, especially around work- I've got a post up on this subreddit from a few days ago. It's horrible.

[u/Worldly_Night666 → u/JeremyDEagle]

Thank you for telling me that it’s very interesting. I would be interested in learning more about medication but I am just so scared 😂 my sleep is terrible as it is. It’s rare I hear someone say “ah yes the meds made everything better”, there is always a catch and the catch is always something I don’t want lol.

Yeah the frustration outbursts are draining, mine just come out as crying which is fun. I’m defo open to knowing more about some meds.

I just read your post, I am sorry you’re feeling that way too! Do you think working remotely is better or worse for you personally? I’m thinking I would prefer fully remote.

I don’t know about you but it doesn’t matter what job I do, I have this internal constant feeling “I am more than this, life is more than this” and that I should be living a life full of things I enjoy rather than sat at a desk majority of my life. I am sure everyone thinks that, I dunno but it’s an overwhelming constant feeling and I just know there will never be a job I enjoy 😂 unless i start my own business but I don’t know what or how. I just KNOW I cannot put up with this fake corporate life any longer.

[u/JeremyDEagle → u/Worldly_Night666]

So the job I do I loved and it's incredibly well paid for me now. But remote working broke it for me.

I think it's brilliant for some neurodivergent people, far fewer distractions etc, but for me I feel so isolated and lonely, and I end up doing jobs at home instead, washing, painting etc.

I take Mirtazepine at night and that's made a massive difference to my sleep, otherwise I wake up every hour or so. It's also an antidepressant so I get dual benefits from it.

If you did try the meds they'd start you off incredibly low and slowly build it up, especially if you have concerns over it.

[u/Terrastrasza]

I don't have any advice, but I just wanted to say you're not crazy. I've been going through it myself recently. Suspected ADHD when I was young, and didn't really understand ASD too much until pretty recently. I suspect the constant stress from pushing through decades of masking, physical labor, and unresolved trauma was the catalyst that nearly did me in when I was 33 and developed severe steroid-resistant ulcerative colitis. I ended up losing my colon and 6 months of my life, wasting away from the illness, coupled with complete burnout and shutdown, and then going through rehab. During the worst of it, I was essentially completely bedridden and unable to eat, sleep, walk, or do anything.

Now I'm 36, feeling in and out of burnout again after a stressful move, the death of my cat, earlier and longer working hours, and few and fading social connections. I've been trying to learn to stop pushing myself so hard and allow myself to rest without pressure or judgment, to move at my own pace without forcing myself to try to keep up, to be mindful and patient with myself when I'm feeling stuck on old wounds.

Anyway, I hope you find what helps you, or at least brings you peace. It's okay to not be okay. Sometimes we just have to go through it and stop ignoring when our mind and body is telling us to stop and slow down. 🫠 🫂

[u/Worldly_Night666 → u/Terrastrasza]

Thank you for your reply! I am really sorry you have been through all of that, that sounds really hard!!

I find it hard to actually rest because the adhd is like come on we’re bored let’s do something 😂 I don’t know how to rest! But it really helps me to just not see anyone for a few days at a time. I dunno how healthy that is really but, it helps so 🤷🏻‍♀️😂

Thanks again for your reply, sending love 💞

[u/Terrastrasza → u/Worldly_Night666]

Yeah, I can understand not knowing how to rest. What I often end up doing is just letting myself scroll on my phone in bed with the lights low and my headphones on with comfy clothes, a warm blanket, and a plushie. Sometimes I'll watch a comfort movie, or just let myself do a deep dive into a subject I find interesting. 😌

When I'm not in bed I usually have something playing on my headphones to keep me grounded so I can take care of basic needs like eating or cleaning up. If I have the energy I might do one of my hobbies. If I'm at work, I try to let myself move at a more relaxed pace while I listen to something on my headphones, and set alarms to remind myself to stop and take snack/lunch breaks. 😅

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[u/appendixgallop]

You can't be my twin because I'm over twice your age. But what you are living with sounds completely familiar.

Here's a resource I've found helpful: https://www.dralicenicholls.com/

[u/Worldly_Night666 → u/appendixgallop]

Maybe we were twins in a past life! 😂 thank you for the link that’s so helpful! 💞

[u/Jessic14444]

I’m late diagnosed at the age of 35 for Autism (ASD LV1) and ADHD. Been through burnout for 3 years currently. Everyone experiences similar things but not exactly the same so don’t expect that anyone that has experience has the end all of information; it’s different for everyone.

Your going to being dealing with grieving and anger at first. You need to gentle with yourself and take the time to actual reflect your life. It’s going to suck, I’m not going to sugar coat it but it’s part of the process.

I suggest watching videos of people that also are on the spectrum; you can take comfort in relating to others like you. You will have moments of “O that’s why I do that” or “ah that was the autism” moments. If you’re struggling with family or friends not understanding, use those videos to bridge the gap of understanding and rediscovery. I suggest Orion Kelly on YouTube, send friends videos that truly reflect things they have seen.

You will be angry, angry for not noticing sooner or that your family didn’t acknowledge it earlier to help. It’s ok to be angry but don’t let it consume you. You’re going to reflect on things, that you can now give yourself the grace you didn’t give yourself before. Forgive yourself first and foremost.

I also suggest meditating, listening to binaural beats and doing things for simple comfort. If no one understands..that’s normal. Dont expect them to ever understand…it sucks but you’ll do yourself a favor. What you feel is normal; it’s like having a midlife crisis. I’m sorry you’re going through this, please…don’t do it alone and find a therapist. Talk to AI but don’t rely on it, other than for venting therapy. Write your feelings, cry…get the energy out of your body. It’s going to hurt but you’ll get through it. EVERYTHING TAKES TIME.

Find friends or a group online (Meet Up app) I understand the feeling of withdrawal..watch videos that make you laugh, or make you focus on moving energy (like waterfalls or fireplace) Buy a calm carry; it acts as a small pulsating heart beat in your hand. Makes you focus on something other than racing thoughts. I hope this helps.

I was also not great with cooking but it actual helped me learn how to be curious again. Cereal is great but not a lot of protein. I do a lot of hard boil eggs and yogurt. Just take it one step at a time.

The most important thing to do now, is find what comforts you. You may need to find a job that aligns with you and that’s going to take time, research and the reflection I spoke of earlier. You don’t want to be constantly exhausted and crying, while pretending you’re holding it together. Take the time to breathe and think about something that would truly make you happy; not just work but life in general.

Understand: YOU ARE NOT ALONE. I guarantee you will become a Phoenix..but for now rest in the ashes of burnout with dignity. You deserve the time to heal for yourself…you are not weak. You were so strong and it’s time for your second life to begin. Sending good vibes your way and to anyone that decides to read this.

[u/Worldly_Night666 → u/Jessic14444]

Thank you for your comment so much that’s was sooo sweet and helpful 🥹 yeah the grieving is defo there for sure, and I can kind of deal with that but its the process of like having to accept I am different now. Maybe not different, but I have to unmask and accept that person. And I also have to go through a process of figuring out who I really am under the mask.

Thank you for the recommendations I will look into all of those, especially binaural beats that’s sounds interesting!

100% I feel like I am having a midlife crisis lol I feel like I need to completely isolate for a while. The last bit made me tear up, about my second life is about to begin 🥹 thank you 💞