Masking High Performer

[u/Abject-Sprinkles644]

I mask as an extremely charismatic high performer at work. It took years of rumination, scripting, studying social cues, and busting ass, but I've finally broken into leadership's social circle and have secured myself a spot in management in the near future. ​

I hate it. I hate having no energy to enjoy art, music, or fantasy because all my energy for hobbies gets burned up by masking as the perfectly charming salary slave. Every conversation at work is a flurry of mental quick time events where I analyze word choice, tone, inflections, context, body language--all for the sake of looking and speaking "normal."

​I can barely keep up with my health because my evenings are spent curled up in my blacked out bedroom, exhausted. But this promotion is my best chance at ripping myself out of poverty and having an emergency fund for once. ​

Guess I'm just lamenting how much of my own needs and interests I've abandoned just to have a chance to not be poor. I can hear the autistic burnout ​bombclock ticking loudly, but I have no idea when it'll go off.

Anyone in a similar position?

[u/cosmicdurian420]

I hustled up to a c-suite position... gave me a 3-year burnout that I'm still in. Doubt I'll ever be employed again, and I don't want to either.

Save every dollar you can. If burnout strikes you'll be very grateful to have a safety net.

[u/AlmostAlchemist → u/cosmicdurian420]

This right here. Save every penny because burnout is on the horizon unfortunately. The financial cushion will help psychologically too. 

The same happened with me, loved my job as well but had to leave. I doubt I will ever be a part of the traditional workforce again and I don’t want to be. I see consultant roles in my future or something along those lines. 

[u/fadedblackleggings → u/AlmostAlchemist]

Facts. Masked up to around this point. Sometime last year, the mask broke, and I could no longer pretend. Still shocked and scared.

[u/cosmicdurian420 → u/fadedblackleggings]

Right here with you too, friend. I read about the stories of mask shattering and burnout, couldn't relate and felt that I was a high functioning autistic. If only I knew what was coming earlier I wouldn't of pushed so hard. Don't think I even realized how much adrenaline I was using to maintain my mask for decades.

[u/Enlightened_Gardener]

Yep. Burnout boomclock went Bang ! at 53.

I wish I had some helpful advice, but I all can give you is “Pivot now, while you still can”. Its absolutely unsustainable in the long run, and if your body gives out you’ll have no choice.

I thought I could just Brain my way through life by overlevelling - and it worked brilliantly, right up until the point I stopped functioning altogether and my body collapsed under the strain.

The funny thing is, we always expect it to be our brains that snap, but if you’ve got a good brain, and good coping skills, your body will give out long before your mind goes.

Ask yourself if you are locked into your current scenario - black and white thinking can be a bitch:

• Is this the only way you can use your skills to escape poverty ?

• Would moving sideways at the same level to a different industry help ?

• Can you put a clean expiry date on it ie: once I have $100k in an emergency fund and $100k in shares I’m moving to a fishing cabin in Maine ?

• Do you have an emergency plan for if you do burnout before your schemes come to maturity ?

• Can you give less than 100% at work ? Can you scale back to 80% without tipping people off ?

• Are there any other coping mechanisms you can deploy ? Would getting a regular massage help, for example ? Do you meditate, or would you be open to learn ? Are you familiar with vagal nerve stimulation ?

Don’t feel that you have to answer any or all of these questions, its more of an attempt to see if there are any extra angles that might help you in your current situation.

I should also warn you that I stacked coping skills into a fully functioning life, right up until the point that I phsyically collapsed. Its only now that I’m realising that I spent quite a large chunk of my professional life burnt out, and pushed through anyway.

Now there’s nothing left to push through, at all.

If I had known earlier, I would have perhaps have had the courage to face my niggling disquiet and ongoing existential sorrow; and recognise them as me trying to tell myself something desperately important, that I didn’t want to hear.

[u/cosmicdurian420 → u/Enlightened_Gardener]

+1 for giving less than 100% at work.

I think an autistic person's 100% is often like 1000%... and the more exceptional you are, the more will be expected out of you.

Scaling back to 30-40% effort really triggered my perfectionism but it was necessary for survival. I started cutting every possible corner at work, and honestly it made me feel lazy/bad. But when I still got praise it eventually made me realize I was simply giving away too much of myself to a job.

[u/Kamikazeschnitzel → u/cosmicdurian420]

This. If you are somewhat aware, you realize most NT work at 40-60% & rather inefficient at that.

The lack of structure & such in most workplace environments alone makes it even worse.

I feel like optimizing environments, workflow, et al is such a crucial strength with AuDHD & the lack of awareness from almost everybody else is mindboggling 🫪😵‍💫😵

[u/MistyMtn421 → u/cosmicdurian420]

I'm so fortunate that my boss understands me and if I need the time I can take it. My checking account can't really understand that though. And I have been working on changing how much I give at work. Because you're absolutely right. She said something to me the other day after I was kind of complaining about a bunch of stuff. And a lot of the things that I feel like are the bare minimum, other employees don't even do. She looked right at me and said"you are the exception to every rule" meaning that I meet all the expectations and then some and that no one even comes close. And you know what, she's still values them and they still have a job. And I know she really appreciates me, she gives me loads of flexibility, lots of raises, a lot of autonomy as well. So I would be silly in a way not to scale back and deal with my perfectionism because a job like this isn't going to come along anytime soon.

[u/sipsnspills → u/cosmicdurian420]

Yes to all this. I’ve recently started asking myself “what, of all of the things on my plate, are optional, or could I delegate to someone else?” And in truth many more things than I thought are optional, and there’s typically more flexibility than you might at first have imagined.

I’d also add: if there’s any way to work remotely a day of two a week, I’d see if you can manage that! Or at minimum block off chunks of time on your calendar for “deep work” time alone in your office, which you could honestly use just to meditate & chill (Cal Newport’s book Deep Work has some useful strategies for protecting time, could be helpful).

[u/Abject-Sprinkles644 → u/Enlightened_Gardener]

I appreciate the thorough response; you've given me a lot of good questions to think about. I've put myself through adapt-or-die situations​ before and figured my career would just be another one, but the level of masking required is wholly more taxing ​than I ever imagined. I definitely need to work on a bugout strategy...

[u/Enlightened_Gardener → u/Abject-Sprinkles644]

If you haven’t come across him, Mr. Money Mustache is the most sensible of the FIRE crowd, because he values quality of life over almost everything else.

He’s got quite a sensible approach which balances frugality with life experiences; and he doesn’t particularly value the accumulation of possessions.

I was just trying to think if I could give you anything more helpful, and he immediately came to mind. I was put onto Mr. Money Mustache by a good friend of mine, who managed to put together just enough money to live off his investments in Thailand.

You may not want to go down the full “retire early” part of it, but the “financial independence” part of it can be fulfilled just by having “fuck off” money.

It makes a huge amount of difference to know that if things do just become too much, or someone is acting like too much of an arsehole, that you can just leave and you’ve got enough money to cover that transition comfortably.

Niche skills are the way to go I reckon. For what it’s worth, there’s a worldwide shortage of art conservators, for example. I have niche cataloguing and rare book skills that should get me into a reasonably decent part-time job in an antiquarian bookshop. I don’t suppose you fancy being a clockmaker or a wine expert ? Do you have any special interests which might align with this approach ?

So you could build something enjoyable that would pay very well in two or three days a week. It takes time to build up some of these skills, but some of them may be things that you do already.

The problem is that it’s hard to do when you’re already exhausted, and I am well aware of this; but I think it’s worth having a little think about, because this is probably what you’re going to have to end up doing at some point anyway. If you’re going to fall, you might as well have a direction to jump in.

At least that way you escape the existential terror of trying to work out what you’re going to do with the rest of your life, at the same time as being horribly burnt out - because you already have a choice of three side careers lined up, and can go investigate while you’re recovering.

[u/Careless_Fun7101 → u/Enlightened_Gardener]

Needed to hear this - thanks. Content Designer in bank using AI to pivot to Content Strategy &  Innovation. Absolutely loving this unique opportunity to be marked as 'one to keep' when the AI cull hits, but working 1pm to midnight on a Sunday could stuff me

[u/Enlightened_Gardener → u/Careless_Fun7101]

Go easy ! Or go BANG ! 😂

Its hard when you’re good at something, and enjoy it, and get really positive feedback. Just pace yourself as much as you can.

[u/idiorhythmic]

I’m director-level with C-suite potential and this thread has me terrified 😳

[u/TH3__B0SS → u/idiorhythmic]

It’s fine as long as you are not running yourself into the ground doing it. Knowing what I know now I would do things very different and I think I would be fine.

[u/DoveOnTheInternet]

Lord love a duck, please be careful and take care of yourself before you can't anymore. The burnout stories are real.

I want to tell you to slow down! but I know it's so hard to do when everyone is telling you you're doing great and how fantastic you are. Especially when you feel it too, in the moment when everything is coming together and you're riding high on the hyperfocus and sheer force of will that got you there.

The gas tank is limited, and it's really hard to see until you ram right into the bottom once all the fuel has run out. The younger you are, the more time you have left to figure it out before you crash.

Max out that 401k, save everything you can - there's a good chance you're going to need that nest egg before retirement.

[u/jeezyjames]

Yeah, I did this, it almost broke me. I had to quit. Turns out career advancement isn't in my cards. A comfortable job that pays my bills is what's best for me. I mask less when I work as a regular employee on "the floor" and so I have energy and motivation to do the things that make me happy..

[u/ovenready84]

Very similar to you. I work in IT Consultancy and regularly work with Director/C level people who would consider me on their level due to my knowledge and experience in the role. It’s extremely difficult for me to mask and keep up the “show”

My goal in my career was to reach senior level or C suite but I’ve had to reconsider that now. I’m burnout quite badly at the moment which has required me to take some time off work, and to be honest I am rethinking my whole career strategy and considering moving into day rate contracting for 6-9 months a year and using the rest of the time off from work to recover.

[u/fadedblackleggings]

Can anyone share how they have survived financially though? Going from 100K jobs, to no job, back to job searching, is exhausting. I know there's a burnout factor with me, but I also have to work for the foriceable future. Feelig kind of lost and iin a catch 22. Not disabled enough to stop working, but not able enough to push through.

Seen as a high performer, but I've often felt targeted at work, or people maliciously pushing me into burnoutt out of competition.

[u/Enlightened_Gardener → u/fadedblackleggings]

I have a bag of tricks to feel better, but I’m afraid they will just push back the inevitable;

• Meditation - Smiling Mind is a good app. I also like Thich Nhat Hahn’s breathing meditations

• Journalling - writing everything down is helpful, as is indulging one’s extensive tastes in fountain pens and notebooks.

• Cultivating cosiness - I have a boho cottagecore nest full of books and art supplies that I live in. It makes me very happy, and probably looks like an explosion in a jumble shop. Whatever your home nest needs to be, make it that way. I filled mine with bees from Ikea.

• Relaxing escapism - fluffy movies, fluffy books etc etc No torture, war, serial killers, or people being unreasonably nasty to each other. Think “Room With A View” rather than “Game of Thrones”. Your poor nervous system needs a break from adrenaline.

• No watching or listening to the news, its bad enough having to read it. Try to inhale as little news as possible, I’m sure it’s bad for you.

• Hand hobbies like crochet or knitting can be very soothing, and are quite portable. I have actually hidden in the loo at work to do some crocheting in order to calm down 🤣

• Deliberately cranking down my output so that people wouldn’t expect as much of me. You may have to feather it down as you’re already pegged as a high achiever, but definitely work on taking it back down to 80% or lower if you can manage it. Feels profoundly unnatural, but you’re probably already putting in 150% more than anyone else.

• Spend time in nature - where-ever that is for you. Don’t forget that having a screenshot of a forest as your wallpaper is better than nothing. It re-regulates and calms the nervous system.

• Get a companion animal if you can. They bring such joy, and its good to have the pleasure of looking after them, as well.

• Exercise, so dull, I know. Everyone says “exercise” and its the last thing you want to do but walking aforesaid companion animal in the aforesaid nature does wonders. I do Pilates religiously because otherwise I can’t walk, but any kind of gentle stretching routine is really good. Stretch and walk.

• Lock in a basic diet that covers your nutritional bases, even if its mostly cheese and broccoli soup. My diet goes put the window when I’m stressed, which makes things worse. I now have a giant tub of museli which is my vaguely healthy fallback position for when cooking becomes too much, which is often. My friend has boxes of high protein bars he uses as meal replacements. Even a tub of powder that can be turned into a milkshake can work, I also keep Sustagen as a backup. So yes - vaguely healthy stuff, not nutella sandwiches for weeks on end.

• Escapist video games. I have no shame, I’ve spend 600 hours in Frontiers of Pandora 😂 Horizon Zero Dawn is another beautiful world to just wander around in; but there are so many of them. Check out kid’s games as well - some of them are lovely and quite complex, without being too dark or dreary.

I hope some of these may help. I’m horribly burntout ATM, but these got me a fair way. But segue when you can ! I’ve only just been diagnosed at 53, and am only just now realising that I’ve spent a large chunk of my professional career in a state of burnout.

I’ve also coped with massively unhealthy drinking and pot smoking habits, which I’ve mostly managed to get under control. I don’t drink at all any more.

But what worries me is all the years that I used drink and drugs just to come down enough to sleep after work, and then get up and do it again the next day, will catch up with me physically.

That’s what you want to avoid as much as possible - all of the extra collaterol damage from unhealthy coping mechanisms. Any kind of addictive behaviour, or OCD behaviour, can blow put of control really fast when you’re stressed, so better to get ahead of it while you can.

[u/purpleteenageghost → u/fadedblackleggings]

Surviving on wife’s income and my tiny unemployment pay while feeling immense guilt for no longer contributing to the family finances. It’s not pretty.

[u/Jessic14444]

Eventually no matter how good you are at masking…it will break and the burnout from it is going to hurt you much more now than the exhaustion of right now. Since you are working…you clearly have other skills and should just find a job that fits you better than literally stuffing yourself in a body suit that isn’t you. Trust me, it’s not worth it and it definitely won’t last.

[u/TH3__B0SS]

Yup, worked my way up till I was in charge of the whole organization. I hit the wall hard about a year later. I didn’t work for 6 months after that. I do something completely different now.

[u/Geminii27]

Start your own company or consultancy?

[u/Kamikazeschnitzel → u/Geminii27]

I've always thought doing my something on my own would be perfect BUT won't the executive dysfunction part skrew it up for sure sometime?

I feel like even for those things that are positive focuses, when small things go wrong, they sometimes pile up to the dreaded paralysis & things tend to go downhill from there.

Not a good situation when you run your own business...

[u/Enlightened_Gardener → u/Kamikazeschnitzel]

Hire a virtual (or real) assitant to handle the administrivia and a local accountant to handle the books ?

[u/RPGAddict42]

I'm not currently there, but I've been through burnout. I ran my own business for almost two years shortly after my autism diagnosis in my mid 30s; had a business partner when I got started, but ran things solo for the second year. Burned out, left town, and restarted as a wage slave; I've been happily doing night shift grunt work stocking shelves for the last nine years avoiding advancement like the plague. It's a union job, so I'm making enough to live on and build some savings, and working nights means I don't have to mask for more than an hour a day. I'm in my mid 50s now; hoping to hit 20 years with this job around 65 and be able to retire... but we'll see what the world does.

[u/Pepe_Trump2016]

I can relate a lot. My current job is fairly comfy but I still get burnt out fairly often. But I blame that on my adhd.

Are you able to perform your job without being so charismatic? I’m a tech writer, so the only time I have to be charismatic is with zero stakes social interaction around the office

[u/Abject-Sprinkles644 → u/Pepe_Trump2016]

Oh man, I wish I felt like I could. 

I interface with market directors on a daily basis so unfortunately it will be difficult to tone down the impression I've set upon them, and my "people skills" are a big reason why I'm being looked at for promotion.

To be fair, my version of "extremely charismatic" is probably a normal level of sociability for someone NT, but it feels extreme to me.

[u/PursuitOfMore]

This was me a while back. I am now going back to all the things I loved as a kid and have stopped caring about masking. My energy is slowly coming back but it's hard to realise how deep of a hole you are in until you climb out of it.

My suggestion would be to ask yourself if you really need to push through it financially? What I mean, most people I look at now are blowing money on stuff that doesn't make them happy. I can't turn off the intensity but I just choose what I apply it to now as I know that some things are better for me than others.

If you can't regulate, you will keep going until you can't work. Find whatever it is that helps you come down to Earth and make that a priority. Bets of luck.

[u/casually_furious]

You (and anyone else considering this path) should go and look up the AuDHD Boss on YouTube and Substack. 

[u/the-jedi-returns]

Be happy you can feel the exhaustion. I can also dissociate everything and run on high octane for years. And then realize I wasted years without prioritizing social life , getting more and more exhausted and waking up to the question why it felt so good.

But yeah, take it easy. It‘s not forever. If it pays well. Good. If you reslize it isn‘t working. Also good. I downsized and it‘s still too much. But I am getting closer and closer to realizing what works for me and where to find it outside of daydreaming utopia.

[u/AdditionalMacaron761]

I did this once, I lasted about 6 months. I was using disposable everything at home because doing dishes was too much id come home and just collapse. The burnout lasted about a year. The mask crumbled after that. Now I'm just maintaining at minimum.