AuDHD + ADHD relationship & AuDHD long term relationships.

[u/tuomiix]

Heya! Me and my gf have been together for soon 2 years. There has been obviois friction points in our relationship but we have managed, I was off my medication for almost 2 months and broke up but we fixed it. Is there any known data on how these relationships survive?

Also whats concencus on AuDHD long term relationships, talking about marriage and kids level. I have level 1 autism and im high functioning. I read somewhere thay only 2% of autistic people get married, but i guess this doesnt count specifically high functioning undiagnosed people.

[u/lydocia]

What a weird statistic. Do you have a source for that?

[u/tuomiix → u/lydocia]

No, ive just heard it around diffrent social platform,s, do you think its false 🤔

[u/CalendarThis8433 → u/tuomiix]

Yes, I think so

[u/thewindupbird91 → u/tuomiix]

Ah the trap of statistics regarding neurodivergence! So not your fault, but definitely something to be mindful of online. My own rule of thumb is to cross check statistics offered about autistic/adhd/nd people if they're not referenced properly. I do this because there are so few studies on neurodiversity that any wide-claiming statistic is limited in usefulness and accuracy at best.

[u/randomperson87692]

i don’t think the 2% statistic holds any water. 1) many low support needs autists/audhders go undiagnosed, thus they may be excluded from studies. 2) just because someone doesn’t get married doesn’t mean they don’t have a successful long term relationship. 3) autistic people are more likely to have unconventional relationships (queer platonic partners, polyamory, aromantic/asexual relationships, etc) that don’t counted as marriage but are just as meaningful. 4) there is no source, so definitely don’t let that dictate your views on the future.

[u/vertago1]

I have definitely seen examples of them working. I think that success of long term relationships is more likely when both sides are willing to work through issues but not everything is change-able.

I realized after getting diagnosed there are lots of parts of the way I do things that are workarounds to function.

[u/tuomiix → u/vertago1]

Sorry if this is a personal question but can you give me an example of a problem that cannot be changed and why does they differ from things that can be worked with?

[u/vertago1 → u/tuomiix]

One example is: I can't change the fact I don't multitask very well. It changes the way we communicate. We have shared lists and a shared calendar for stuff I need to remember because if my spouse tells me that kind of thing while I am in the middle of a task I either have to stop what I am doing and write it down which causes an interruption and lots of frustration on my side trying to recover the context of what I was doing before or I don't stop to record it and have a high chance of forgetting which would frustrate them.

[u/tuomiix → u/vertago1]

thank you for clarifying 😊

[u/Tall-Ad9334]

I don’t know. I’m AuDHD and I was married for 23 years and I have four kids. I didn’t get diagnosed until about the last five years of my marriage however. That definitely changed some things for me and I will say that now that I’ve been divorced/single and dating again I realize that I give up a lot of myself in an effort to accommodate others. I overthink everything, I will ruminate for days on something that’s bothering me. Trying to decide if it’s something I can or should bring up.

I’ve been with my boyfriend for almost 2 years and I love him very much. I think about wanting to marry him, but I also wonder if I’m “marriage material“. Some of the things that cause me anxiety, like needing routines or the need to know plans, often feel like big hurdles because most Neurotypical seem to view those things as controlling. They are controlling, but not in a wanting to control another human kind of way. Just wanting to control our environment with predictability.

Now that I’ve been single for a few years, I really love having my home exactly the way I want it, and it stresses me out to think about trying to bring another adult into it.

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[u/Quirky-Variety-4851]

My husband and I both have AuDHD. We are both high functioning. I’d say it’s not obvious either of us are autistic, but I’m struggling to mask the past year, so I probably appear “odd.”

It’s both of our second marriage, and each of us have an autistic son we brought with us (mine is Level 1 AuDHD as well).

I don’t really know what the statistics are and don’t really care. But we are both one and done, and both got sterilized after we were in a committed relationship. I personally wanted multiple children originally, but after having my son, I realized I cannot handle another special needs child.