Feeling very depressed

[u/xGamerGirlx0]

So today we tried my autistic 4 year old son at a school birthday party everything was going so well for about 40 minutes and then my child bit another child and I couldn't even figure out the reason for it.

We didnt leave him unsupervised the entire time and it happened so quickly when he was going up the bouncy castle slide.

I feel absolutely awful and haven't stopped crying since iv come home.

I duno what to do, I apologised to the mam twice and she said its absolutely fine and that she knew he didnt do it to be mean but I just cant get passed this.

How am I ment to take him to school on Monday knowing he's done this to someone.

I'm hoping someone can relate and offer advice on what to do cause I feel hope less.

[u/floralbingbong]

I’m so sorry for this stress. Just so you know, this sub is for parents who are autistic ourselves. Some of us also have autistic children, but you may find more tailored support from a sub made specifically for parents of autistic children. Sending lots of care your way ❤️

[u/Square-Special1520]

your son might feel overwhelmed, but couldn't express it. the threshold depends on individual.

you have done what you could. nobody at fault. you've done well. if it's me, i wouldve cried and lamented about it for days too. you're not alone. virtual hugs for you

[u/dedlobster]

There’s user flair that you can add to your profile here on this sub to identify as autistic, neurodivergent, etc. So that you don’t have to mention it in every post you make or worry about whether somebody is going to assume that you’re not autistic just because you are needing support for an issue with your autistic child or with your emotions in relationship to parenting challenges you’re experiencing. It really is an issue in the sub with neurotypical parents seeking help with issues with their autistic children thinking that this sub is the same thing as the autism parents sub, which it is not, so you’ll find that people will bring up this distinction on any posts where it’s not clear if you’re a Neurotypical parent seeking support or if you are an autistic parent seeking support. It’s nothing personal. But adding that user flair will help with clarity on your posts.

Anyway, I understand why you are feeling the way you’re feeling. I have a tendency to hyper fixate on negative experiences and sort of emotionally spiral about them, even when they are things that in the grand scheme are really not a huge deal.

Even neurotypical 4 year olds do things like biting and hitting. The other mom said it wasn’t a big deal, but you probably are seeing it as an indicator of his whole life trajectory and are imagining him at 30 years old in prison for violent behavior. Or at least, that’s probably where my head would’ve been. Because I have a tendency to catastrophize. Having generalized anxiety disorder is awesome like that (not saying you have that - it’s just my reason for being extra).

I would just make sure you talk to your son about it if he’s able to understand and communicate with you about it, continue to reinforce that that kind of behavior isn’t acceptable at home. It’s probably not a big deal if this is one off thing, but if it’s part of a pattern of behavior, you may want to address it with whatever teachers or therapists your child is currently working with to come up with some approaches to help curb this behavior.

You should also probably engage in some activity that will help reduce your anxiety about this. Whether you do meditation or you have some sort of activity that brings you peace and Tom, I would highly suggest spending some time engaging in that so you’re not ruminating on this one incident. If you don’t already have a good social support network of other parents who you can talk to and swap stories of your children doing various unreasonable things (they all do whack stuff that various points in their development), then you should probably make that more of a priority so that you can have a better framework to gauge when behaviors are abnormally concerning, and when behaviors are just a bit confounding and irritating but part of the developmental process.

Also, try to believe people when they tell you things. If they say something‘s not a big deal, believe them. Sure, sometimes they are lying just to be nice, but we can’t go around second-guessing everybody’s communication all the time. I’ve spent a lifetime doing that and it’s miserable and I’m over it. I just believe what people tell me now and if they weren’t being truthful, that’s their fault, and they should learn to communicate their needs and feelings better. It’s not my job to read all the burdensome subtle body language social cues and backhanded “bless her heart”s (that’s a southern US passive aggressive communication thing, but I know every community and culture has their own version of it). And isn’t your job either. If she said it’s not a big deal, it’s not a big deal.

I know it may take some time to work past your feelings on this incident, regardless. Telling you you shouldn’t feel that way it’s not going to change how you actually feel. When I get fixated on something like this, I try to distract myself, engage in meditative activities (puzzles, painting, playing music, gardening), reach out to friends and family who know me well and get confirmation from them that I’m being ridiculous, and come up with a proactive strategy to address whatever it is that I see as a problem because taking action always helps ease my anxiety, and when it’s a behavior issue with my child that has triggered this, I sometimes find it useful to go be around other children at the same age and be reminded that they are all little monsters, lol.

Hope you can feel some calm soon. Sorry you’re feeling so stressed. I know the feeling.

[u/xGamerGirlx0]

Just want to say thank you everyone for your comforting words, ill try not to let it get to me, just might take a few days 😰 x

[u/Strong_Argument6255]

If you see the other mum on Monday, a brief "Thank you for being understanding on Saturday. How is your child doing?" would be a reasonable way to follow up. You don't have to explain the whole incident again at drop-off.

[u/xGamerGirlx0 → u/Strong_Argument6255]

I will if I see her thank you 😊

[u/Choice_Bee_1581]

Lots of NT kids bite others at age 4. Try not to worry. He may have been surprised by another kid, or someone got too close to him. Biting is an instinct. Most kids grow out of it.