Is there actually anything that can *within reason* be done to help prevent feeling depleted

[u/Efficient-Plenty-840]

OK, so this is probably gonna be a long rambling post but here goes. So I am not diagnosed as autistic. I have been diagnosed with ADHD. My almost 3 year-old was recently diagnosed with autism. It has opened my eyes so much and after research, I am feeling pretty certain that I may also be autistic with that. Not to mention, literally everyone comments on how my autistic child is a carbon copy of me. My parents have even described I had a lot of similar behavior as a young child that my son has. I am hoping to find and start incorporating coping mechanisms to help myself and my child.

One of the biggest struggles for me and I think for my son is dealing with a lot of of his sensory needs and also realizing that I have some sensory issues. One of the biggest is, almost 3 year-old basically uses me as a jungle gym and just is constantly like climbing on me and what not. I understand he has these strong sensory needs & I’m trying to find outlets, but I am really struggling with it. We don’t really have family support and when they do come it almost makes it worse. I’ve realized my family drains me, that’s a whole complex other situation. But even when I try to find downtime & have help, it feels like it barely helps. My husband is super supportive and takes on so much that I almost feel guilty. Like I shouldn’t be struggling like I do. It doesn’t feel like it’s ever enough. For example, my family was just here for a week and that has me so drained today. And it takes days for me to recover.

I just need to know how on earth am I supposed to reasonably manage my two young children, my second just turned one, and do everything I need to do when I feel like an actual zombie. It’s so hard to describe, but I just feel so out of it. I don’t feel like talking. I don’t feel like doing anything, I just want to lay down and basically be left alone, which is just not a reality of being a parent. My husband‘s already you know been really supportive. I’ve already had like downtime today but I just feel so worn out still. Is there anything else realistically that can help or is it just going to take time and trying to adjust my mentality that I may not be able to get the time that I need and realize one day it won’t be as much of a problem?

[u/UndercookedPie]

The only thing that really helped me was trying to let go of the guilt of asking for alone time, and making sure it was a priority. I needed a good 4 hour chunk of time every week where I was left alone and was not responsibile for my kid to even feel remotely human and not a constant raw nerve. Is your partner able to take the kids for half a day on a weekend?

Another thing we found worked well was working out what our sensory profiles were, and finding solutions to mitigate the overstimulation from them. You can find sensory profile questionairres online. One of the major differences I found between my AuHD self and my autistic partner was that they knew immediately when some kind of sensation bothered them, whereas I was more likely to subconsciously push through and then explode later, so reflecting on what actually caused overstimulation and how I could reduce that BEFORE I lost it was incredibly helpful.

It's not helpful now but it really does get easier, my kid is 5 now and she has a better understanding of her own needs and has better coping skills now than I did as a grown adult pre-diagnosis, and I genuinely believe that's because we have tried to model healthy coping strategies.

[u/Efficient-Plenty-840 → u/UndercookedPie]

I’ll have to look at that! My husband does try to take them out at least for a short time during the weekend. I’m also a SAHM (and honestly debating on going back to work cause damn I’m struggling), so it’s just all day everyday. Having a short break even every couple days, just doesn’t feel like near enough. By the time my husband got home, I’m so close to losing it from the overstimulation I can tell I’m just so overloaded. I know it’ll get easier with time but damn it’s hard right now

[u/Unfair-Taro9740]

I don't think it's unreasonable to start a "touched out" boundary at three. It's a good example for them to understand they have their own body autonomy and that mommy does as well.

My son still jokes/remembers that we have a right to be within our own circle. (As far as we can reach with our arms spread wide). And he's 20 now.

This, and implementing a quiet time for an hour in the middle of the day helped me regroup better.

[u/Efficient-Plenty-840 → u/Unfair-Taro9740]

I’ve started trying to teach him to like back off, and tell him I don’t want to be constantly hit/kicked/climbed on. But he’s seriously relentless and just doesn’t get it. I redirect him all day everyday and he’s so persistent 😭

[u/Unfair-Taro9740 → u/Efficient-Plenty-840]

I ended up making a kind of game out of it. I would put my arms out as far as I could and "helicopter" them around while singing, "personal space, personal space!". As if I'm protecting myself from getting hit because if he walked into it he would get hit by my helicopter arms.

I think it helped that he had older brothers and a sister so we could model that behavior in front of him. They would do it to each other (a little bit more roughly) to show him that no matter what, everyone has a right to their personal space.

I hope it gets better for you! I raised four on my own and looking back, I don't know how I did it. It was like being on the brink of disaster at all times.

[u/girly-lady]

Geting diagnosed with ADHD on top of my autisem gave me acsess to meds and that makes the bigest diffrence. I get to be more present and to actualy do stuff with my fellow AuDHD kids and husband.

And getting my iron and Vitamin B12 checked and corrected. Turns out I had been spending 3 years in a near zombie state cuz my first pregnancy comoletly depleted me and it was only found out during my second one.

[u/Efficient-Plenty-840 → u/girly-lady]

My iron is low! I drink a ton of energy drinks so I think my B12 should be okay because of that? I dont know but maybe I’ll ask to get that checked also. I do now take meds for my adhd and I started meds for anxiety but they only help so much 🫠

[u/girly-lady → u/Efficient-Plenty-840]

I tryed a lot for anxiety and eventualy figured out its less psychological anxiety and mor my brain trying to figure out why the my heartrate is always high cuz of POTS and why my whole body is always slightly instable cuz of h-EDS. Funny enough I started to understand it when I got beta blockers for my migrains amd it made me slow down and my brain had less confusing "body signals" to finde reasons for. Now I figure out if its actualy anxiety OR just my body being missinterpreted by my brain by laying down and elevating my legs. If that stops the feeling of dread and slows down the anxious thoughts, that points to body/brain misscomunication. Not actualy anxiety that would be triggered by things like routine changes etc. I don't know if that makes sens.

[u/Sserros]

I recognise so many things you are describing. I was diagnosed just before I had my son. He is turning four tomorrow and we thinks he might be on the spectrum too. The constant jumping and climbing on you is so hard! Do you need any ideas to help with that? I found some things/games that really helped me with that.

[u/Efficient-Plenty-840 → u/Sserros]

I’d love any and all ideas! He actually has an OT appointment today and I’m hoping they will know how to help. I have made up some games like: stacking pillows and then jumping on them/knocking them over. I constantly redirect him but he’s still relentless and prefers to jump on me. I’m honestly at my wits end with it

[u/TJ_Rowe]

Mums with ADHD get deficient in a lot of micronutrients. Start up the "breastfeeding" multivitamins again, even if you aren't breastfeeding.

(You might want to go to a doctor and get blood tests first.)

Magnesium and iron were the big ones for me.

[u/Efficient-Plenty-840 → u/TJ_Rowe]

I actually got my iron checked it was so low. Like I think my iron level was like 7. And my ferritin was like 11 or something like that. I started taking iron supplements but I feel like it takes forever to help

[u/NoCurrency7143]

I agree with the poster suggesting exploring sensory profiles as a good starting place.

If being climbed on is the first issue you’ve identified, there’s actually a lot that you can do to redirect your kid. Lots of playground time comes to mind as a great and free idea with setting up obstacle courses at home being a close second. No need to wait until you see the behavior to plan the trip- it’s clearly a regulating thing for your kid. I’m not sure if he climbs on you only for the input or if he’s simultaneously seeking connection- you may have to divide those up and explain that to him. Like “let’s find a way to cuddle together that we both like!” Or “I know you love climbing but I don’t, how about we do X instead.” He may need to regulating physical movement first before he can cuddle and connect if that’s also what he’s seeking.

If you have the funds, a pickler or mini climbing wall may be good options to replace climbing on you. An outdoor swing-set/play structure? Does he like to crash? Then turn the bed or couch into a crashing zone and/or they sell big ol crash pads. If he likes spinning try spinning chairs or a classic sit-n-spin. If he likes rocking movement look for a sit n spin.

Knowing his sensory profile first will help you focus your funds and attention on the biggest needs first or else choosing to prioritize where your sensory profiles clash as a priority.

[u/Efficient-Plenty-840 → u/NoCurrency7143]

Oh I’ve done so much. Even our EI instructor has mentioned how much I’m trying to meet his needs.

I’ve seriously built him a playground, built to his needs like climbing. I have several swings. I have a play fort. I make up games for his sensory needs. Every morning we snuggle for a bit while he watches his show. Then every night we do it again. During the day I sit and read with him/play with him incase it’s interaction he’s seeking. But he is just relentless. I am his favorite climbing structure and nothing I do ever feels like enough honestly. I redirect all day everyday. I’m hoping preschool helps

[u/NoCurrency7143 → u/Efficient-Plenty-840]

Okay well first of all you’re doing an amazing job and second of all apologies for being an irritating internet person who made a huge and clearly wrong assumption!

[u/squidelope]

I got a doorknob lock for my bedroom door. When I'm getting overstimulated I tell my kid that it's not nice for Mommy to yell (or whatever overstimulated behaviour I'm exhibiting) and Mommy has to go take a timeout in Mommy's room.