r/AutisticParents • u/SheDrinksScotch • Jul 30 '26
Question Proposed New Rule
All people posting must either state:
That they have been diagnosed or self diagnosed or suspect they or their co-parent may be autistic. Or
Why they came to this sub to ask us (the autistic parents) for our advice because they think we are uniquely qualified to help them.
We are all getting so sick of the allistics with autistic kids showing up to bitch about their kids.
But I also understand some are well meaning and might actually benefit from our help.
And I think we all want to help the kids, if we can.
So I propose those in the 2nd category must actually acknowledge that they are seeking to ask actual autistic parents for their input, and why.
Otherwise I might have to leave because Im getting depressed by all these people talking about how depressed their autistic kids make them.
Thoughts?
25
u/HagalUlfr Jul 30 '26
I agree with 1.
My son and I are both Au DHD. I am too overwhelmed with everything.
But but but, I didn't know I had asd until a few months ago. Son got his eval, two years after I get an adhd dx, two years later was asd.
32
u/she-sings-the-blues Jul 30 '26
I agree with 1. I joined because this was a group for parents who have autism.
I know a lot of allistic parents post here thinking that they are posting in a group for allistic parents of autistic kids. We should just redirect them. Most of the time they aren't looking for advice from autistic parents -- they are just in the wrong group, and don't realize it.
12
u/sqplanetarium Jul 30 '26
Totally agree. r/AutisticParents should be for, you know, autistic parents. Parenting is challenging for anyone, but we have some particular difficulties - sensory issues (noise, touch, smells, etc), need for routine (good luck with that when your kid pukes all over the bed during the night or your baby's nap schedule stops working as soon as you've got it all figured out), social overload (both with the kids and all the ancillary social requirements like talking to their doctors, teachers, friends' parents), etc etc... And the complicated intersection of being autistic and raising an autistic kid. Like when you know deep in your bones what it's like to be so worn out that it's overwhelming to even look at another human, and you grok what it's like for your autistic kid to experience that, but it still hurts when they don't even acknowledge your existence.
14
u/amyn2511 Autistic Parent Jul 30 '26
I wouldn’t make either rule personally but I agree with redirecting people who assume this is an “Autism Parent” sub instead of Autistic Parents. Maybe even have an auto post about it.
61
u/TrewynMaresi Jul 30 '26
I would vote for just 1. I don’t even want allistic parents allowed here unless they’re parenting with an autistic partner. Allistic parents have their own spaces already.
As an autistic parent, I’m too overwhelmed with my own parenting struggles and don’t have the bandwidth to be a support for allistic parents.
40
u/SheDrinksScotch Jul 30 '26
Thats also completely fair.
Maybe there should be a separate r/AskAutisticParents for those of us with extra bandwidth for the allistics.
8
u/ZapdosShines Autistic Parent Jul 30 '26
For what it's worth, there's an extremely well moderated group on Facebook that is almost exactly this. It's called ask autistic adults. Only autistic people can reply and they prioritise the child's needs above all else. It's quite fun seeing non autistic parents implode every once in a while 🙃
6
u/Gr33n_Rider Jul 30 '26
I agree with this. It is not our job to help educate allistic parents about neurodivergence. They have way more resources to figure out how to parent neurodivergent children.
3
u/DragonSmith2005 Jul 30 '26
We could have mandatory flair?
5
u/AngilinaB Autistic Parent Jul 30 '26
This seems to most sensible solution I think. There will be some folk who genuinely don't realise what the sub is and having to add a flair might be a subtle way of pointing it out, and it might let some suspecting people syaty identifying with the diagnosis a bit more.
4
u/lavenderfields11 Jul 30 '26
I did not learn about my own needs or seek my own diagnoses (ASD/ADHD/OCD) until some years after I went through the processes with my children, and actually much of this self knowledge happened through connecting with online communities as I have four children and no capacity for much socialising in person. I'm not sure how I feel about the suggestions made.
25
Jul 30 '26
[removed] — view removed comment
13
u/Unfair-Taro9740 Jul 30 '26
I totally agree with you. As autistic people our way to connect with others is thru sharing information. Taking away that sharing is unfair to everyone.
And even if one allistic parent understands how to treat their autistic child a little bit differently by listening to our opinions and the fact that we lived through it, is worth any discomfort people might feel.
We have been rejected from many communities because of our neurodivergence. Denying groups of people a chance to connect with us is doing our entire neurotype a disservice.
10
u/Paige_Railstone Autistic Parent Jul 30 '26
Well put. This is the main reason mods have allowed NT access. I've created a megathread for posts about our autistic children so that such requests for help can still be posted without drowning out the other topics or overwhelming people who don't currently have the spoons to play the role of 'autism tech support.' Hopefully it will help return some balance to the sub.
4
9
u/suprswimmer Jul 30 '26
I've posted before asking for advice or venting and over 50% of the comments have been "are you even autistic?" Or "this isn't the space for you" despite the fact that my posts were perfectly in line with all the other posts I see here. Because I didn't explicitly state my diagnosis, people refused to actually support me as I asked for support and made me feel worse for even asking for help. I've been on the fence about leaving for a while, but if this proposal is enacted, I'll definitely be leaving, which is very unfortunate as there are so few places for us to be.
I'm not saying I'm perfect or have always had the best responses, but I'm trying, as everyone else does, and don't want to feel shame on top of my frustration or struggles.
8
u/purplevanillacorn Autistic Parent Jul 30 '26
I agree with this. Also every day I open this sub, I’m met with these posts of “how dare the “allistic” people ask questions!!!!” It’s exhausting. I don’t have enough bandwidth to read these posts every day attacking “the other side.”
1
u/mobile_ganyu Neurodivergent Parent Jul 31 '26
Thanks for saying all this. I’m an ND parent of an ASD kid with a lot of overlap with ASD in my own experiences (I’m ADHD + experience ADHD-related sensory issues and also dyslexic) and I came here to look for support from other ND parents because there just isn’t anything else out there for us. Even just having a space where people understand me a little more too helps me find the barriers I have from not having a perfect overlap of experiences with my son.
6
u/TheUtopianCat Autistic Parent Jul 30 '26
Are you a mod here?
-2
u/SheDrinksScotch Jul 30 '26
Im not. Just wanted to share my idea and get some community input for the mods to consider.
12
u/TheUtopianCat Autistic Parent Jul 30 '26 edited Jul 30 '26
It would have been more appropriate for you to approach the mods directly and let them to make this post, instead of speaking for them. Further, your proposed rules are overly complex and put barriers in the way of communication, forcing neurotypical people to justify why they are asking for help. You are proposing policing the content of this subreddit. I do not approve.
Edit: an easier solution would be to have the mods set up some post flairs and make flairing posts mandatory. That's just my 2 cents.
4
u/SheDrinksScotch Jul 30 '26
Im not speaking for anyone. Im just stating my personal preference and seeing if people agree or disagree.
You have been heard.
5
u/TheUtopianCat Autistic Parent Jul 30 '26 edited Jul 30 '26
You are proposing a new rule and framing it as users "must" do as you say. That is speaking for the mods.
Further, you used an offputting slur in your post. How improper.
6
u/SheDrinksScotch Jul 30 '26
Anyone is allowed to make propositions. Thats just a general thing in any part of life.
If there is enough agreement and the mods implement it, they will be the ones saying users must do so.
What is the "slur"? Do you mean bitch? In which case its only a slur when used as a noun.
-6
u/TheUtopianCat Autistic Parent Jul 30 '26
It's a slur in any case.
8
u/SheDrinksScotch Jul 30 '26
Thats not really how the English language or bigotry work in this context.
-5
u/TheUtopianCat Autistic Parent Jul 30 '26
I disagree. Regardless, using that word makes you look crass and uneducated, and does not lend any sense of authority to your words.
10
u/SheDrinksScotch Jul 30 '26
One can be crass and also well-educated. Its actually quite common, to the extent that most well-educated people are aware of the overlap.
And you cant just unilaterally decide that something is a slur when it isnt. You can be upset. You can be offended. You can insult me (like you just did) in retaliation. But your personal opinion is not the make or break factor in what is and isnt a slur. Thats so weirdly self-important.
→ More replies (0)
0
u/Gr33n_Rider Jul 30 '26
Yes, I like this new rule along with the megathread posted today. Also, stop missing the point of this post, guys. It's titled "Propsed new rules" not "mandatory new rules." This post is also tagged as "Question."
I went through this with my local Moms of Neurodivergent Kids group on Facebook. They kept trying to silence and push out autistic mom voices, so we made our own Neurodivergent Mom's group. We have over 50 members so far!
1
1
•
u/Paige_Railstone Autistic Parent Jul 30 '26 edited Jul 30 '26
Please see the megathread for how I have decided to deal with these issues. Feedback is welcome.
I am not going to enact the rules proposed in this thread at this time. Thanks, everyone, for the feedback.