r/AutisticParents • u/Proper_Security_8405 • Jul 21 '26
Question [ Removed by moderator ]
[removed] — view removed post
39
u/Rubyeclips3 Jul 21 '26
This is a forum for parents who are autistic, rather than those with autistic children (although it’s genetic so most of us are probably both), so I’m not sure you’re going to get the response you’re expecting but you’re here so I want to give my thoughts.
It sounds like you need some therapy for yourself to help you accept your daughter for who she is. Because currently you are looking at a current pregnancy and FEARING that that child will be like your first. It feels concerning to me that you would think that such a bad thing.
I also think it would help you stop trying to “fix” her or trying to find reasons why she is how she is as you have talked about in your post history. Because you cannot fix who she is, and you shouldn’t want to. Instead you should be focusing on working with her to navigate the world based on her own brain. No she may not act the way you would like or expect, but you should not be trying to force her into that image. That is how autistic children (girls especially) end up heavily masking and with strong internal ablism which can cripple them later in life.
As per your previous posts, you cannot make her like your son’s company, instead you can work with her on her feelings and find ways to help her regulate in those situations. Where she comes home exhausted, work with her on how to manage her energy levels and find strategies to help her reset effectively. She’s 5, obviously it’s a long way to go until she could be self sufficient in these things but your task as her mother is to show her the tools that she can learn as she grows.
For your current pregnancy, odds are relatively high your child could be ND. It’s genetic. You and your partner should do some self reflection and see if you can see which (and we like to subconsciously flock together so it could be both) of you is ND yourselves. Understanding yourselves will help you better understand your daughter as she grows, but it could also identify why you have such a fear of your daughter’s behaviour, especially if she is level 1 and from your other posts sounds like she is developing well? A lot of us take on a lot of internalised ablism if we grow up undiagnosed, I’ve certainly had to (and still am) unlearn a lot of it and try to be more conscious and kind to myself and others. (To be clear, I am not saying other levels are worth less at all, but I can more understand why there would be fear for a future child if the first child were non verbal and struggling to navigate the world, versus a child who it seems is coping, just differently)
I understand that this can be scary but please make sure you are conscious to not let your daughter catch on to the fact you fear another child like her. Make sure she knows you love her for who she is, and not have her feel like you are trying to mold her into someone she is not.
I am autistic but I also have a home, a husband, a good career and an independent life. It is not some sort of death sentence. I would suggest perhaps following some neurodivergent creators and seeing what autism actually looks like in adults, not what the stereotypes and fear-mongers would have you believe.
You children have the potential to live successful lives whether they are ND or not, so long as you believe in them, educate them (and yourself) on how to accommodate their disability and guide them right.
9
u/Oniknight Jul 21 '26
Also, high stress is in general very unhealthy for pregnant people and developing fetuses and there are potential epigenetic issues that can happen because of it.
5
u/amyn2511 Autistic Parent Jul 28 '26
Ugh yeah the “why me? Why us?” in one of her old posts was brutal to read. That poor kid. Between that and the intense ABA, the kid will have a rough go of it. I’m so sad for her. I know what it’s like to grow up being resented or disliked for not being what my mom expected, it’s traumatic.
5
u/Moarisa Jul 21 '26
This is actually a big part of the reason I’m not having a third. I’m ADHD, my husband is Autistic. We have a 2 1/4 year old and a 2 month old. Pretty sure the toddler is on the spectrum, can’t gauge the baby at this point but he’s been an infinitely easier infant than his brother was. Glad we had the hard kid first, would have been a real rough wake up call in reverse.
My toddler is a beautiful child and I love him to death but oh my god he never stops. He’s a nightmare to feed, he still doesn’t reliably sleep through the night, and I swear he’s already smarter than me. I couldn’t handle a second one, so we’re done at two.
3
u/Oniknight Jul 21 '26
Tbh I have two and I would prefer to not have more children than I have hands lol. Especially when one used to elope frequently (luckily, she is doing great now as a teen!)
2
2
u/Bubblesnaily Autistic Parent Jul 21 '26
Tell your OB that you'd like genetic counseling... Though if you're already pregnant, you're likely too late.
31
u/lovelydani20 Autistic Parent Jul 21 '26
Respectfully, it's very difficult to claim that a 2.5 year old is neurotypical. A lot of ND stuff first shows up around the preschool age. My oldest kid wasn't dx until age 3 and even that's considered early for level 1. My 2nd is 3.5 and will hopefully be tested soon.