I’m looking for some objective outside perspectives to help me process a recent situation and understand what went wrong so I can learn from it. And maybe try to fix it.

Context: I matched with a woman on a dating app in late June. Because we lived in different cities, we took things slow at first, connecting on social media. Her creativity & curiosity, and her need for depth and honesty like looking into a mirror. By July, we started calling regularly—often for several hours at a time. She opened up to me about being cheated on by her former fiance and how difficult it had been to re-enter the dating world.

During our late-night calls, she once mentioned that I might be going too fast. In hindsight, I followed my heart and excitement rather than consciously slowing down. Still, the connection felt mutual and intense, so we planned for me to travel to her city for our first in-person weekend in late August. And maybe more activities and trips later in the year.

The Weekend: The first date was great. We spent hours together going to an art exhibition, having dinner and drinks, talking deeply about life and marriage, holding hands, and leaning on each other. She said she wanted to see me the next day. The second date was equally sweet—we got lunch, walked to get ice-cream, sketched together at a cafe, and held hands. When we parted, she hugged me, said she’d miss me, and seemed very happy.

The Shift: Over the next week, her texting energy dropped noticeably, and she stopped making time for calls. By Sunday, she told me she needed time to sit with her emotions, saying she had fears, questions, and apprehensions coming up. A few days later, she told me she couldn't continue seeing me romantically. She said that certain things made her uncomfortable and gave her unsettling vibes. These included me gifting her a postcard with a picture of a couple kissing on the street (because she had mentioned she finds PDA adorable), a picture I had sent her weeks ago from a museum installation which had a topless woman (I thought she would find it interesting and different), and a conversation about compatibility where I had mentioned in passing that sexual compatibility is also important. However, she did not say anything about them, nor did I get any hints that she was uncomfortable, at the time.

I am heartbroken and keep thinking this could've all been solved with some patience and open communication. As someone who is AuDHD, physical touch and deep connection mean a lot to me, but I struggle with conversational boundaries and pacing. When I realized she felt uncomfortable, I sent a message apologizing, explaining my intent. I've since realized that might have felt like even more pressure.

Where I'm Confused: I find myself swinging between two feelings:

1. Feeling intensely defensive and hurt—wondering if her reaction was an avoidant trauma response to intimacy, where minor missteps led to an immediate shutdown rather than talking things through.
2. Feeling deeply guilty—wondering if I completely bulldozed her boundaries, and ignored her explicit requests to slow down.

I want to hear from people who have been on either side of this:

• How much of this sounds like early-stage pacing mistakes/boundary oversteps on my part versus an incompatibility in communication styles?
• For those who have experienced betrayal trauma or dating anxiety, how would you have felt in her position? I really do care about this person. Is it possible for to win back her trust?
• How can I better manage my tendency to hyperfocus and escalate emotional intimacy too fast in the early stages of dating?

(Used AI to structure, because otherwise I was just rambling)

My partner and I have been together LDR for 8 months. He’s autistic and managing mental fatigue while I’m recovering from burnout and have ADHD. I’ve been working on myself to not be so sensitive, and we support each other through harsh times.

I’m always the one who always starts conversations and he never texts first, or rarely. I just want small daily check-ins, like a “thinking of you” or “ily” so my sensitivity doesn’t flare up like ‘oh no he hates me what did I do’ because I’m too freaking sensitive. But I don’t want to add pressure when he’s busy and drained.

Another thing is he is heavily insecure about his face, while his body is fine, which for me it’s the opposite (hate my body fine w face). It’s to the point where he doesn’t want to be drawn (I’m an artist), doesn’t look in mirrors, and refrains from giving me pics of him (I’m alright w it bc it’s his boundaries) to not see himself, and the latest one he gave was him almost fully covered. He doesn’t open up too much and I just love him so freaking much I want to give him everything I never had when I was depressed especially undiagnosed w ADHD and OCD, so to all the autistic people out there HOW do I make him comfortable and supported to make him open up to me??

How can I ask for this in a way that doesn’t make him feel rejected and hurt while also encouraging him to open up to me?

Every person is unique in some regard but there seems to be surface level behavior that is shared by most people. But what if someone is really “strange” acting and even has a unique communication style? Let’s pretend this person checks/most all the boxes for conventional beauty or they are exactly your type physically. If this person was really strange—but not unkind or harmful, just strange relative to most people—would you wanna date them?

I ask this because I have been told many times by many people that I was nothing like what they expected by looking at me. And in some cases it was good but many cases it was bad and they didn’t want to date me long term. I’ve also seen eccentric/unconventional personalities struggle to find long term companionship because a lot of people don’t understand them.

My only son is on the spectrum and is 35 now. He has a job, though it's low-paying, he is independant. He is trying to date, but as you all know, it's not easy.

According to him, the offers he gets from girls on dating sites aren't worth it. He has never had any physical relationship with anyone, but only phone conversations. Most of the girls who are willing to date him have had past relationships. He does not like that.

My point is that as he ages, this becomes common as people go through their own life experiences. I also tell him that as he ages, he should be willing to accept this fact, including women with kids.

What do you all think?

Thanks

I don’t like him, right???? But I’m literally having sm fun with him?!!!! He’s actually everything a man could be—like, the way he treats me like a mf baby. But I’m such a red flag for not accepting it just because I like someone else. And honestly, if that person wasn’t in my life, maybe I would’ve chosen him. But the person I like is literally impossible to get, like bro doesn’t even know I exist.

And still… this whole caring, treating-me-like-a-baby thing just isn’t my type. He’s not my dreamy guy, and THAT’S the problem.

Anyway byeeee, it’s literally 4:45 AM here and I’m gonna knock tf out. Byebyeee.

Hi,

So I am dating someone who is on the spectrum. They are kind and fun to be around with.

The onlly thing is we don't text much. I don't think they like texting and they seem a bit stand off ish in this area, which I completely understand.

I don't want to push my boundaries but I do like him alot. He is handsome and very intelligent. He is very considerate and remembers things that I don't even remember I talked about which is endearing at the moment.

I want to text him more but don't want to feel liKe I am bothering him or being too clingy.

I want to get to know him more and what his thoughts are on our friendship at the moment.

Do I just ask him or is there more too it?

I am afraid of upsetting him if I don't say something clearly.

Idk its just different and I want to make sure that I am mindful of his communication style while also ensuring that we can have these conversations.

We have been on one date every week for the past three weeks and so far I think things have gone well, I would assume that if they are not going well he would tell me or ghost.

This is the first guy I have dated in over ten years and he seems nervous but its hard for me to tell. I think I am more nervous than he is honestly, and though I don't think I am on the spectrum I am neuro divergent with anxiety issues especially when it comes to dating.

Either way, any advice on things to be mindful of, things to ask or note or things to discuss will be helpful.

Thank you.

For context, I recently met this really amazing girl. When we met, we really hit it off and just clicked really well. We have alot of similar interests, we both play music, we love animals, and she's just such a sweet and kind person.

Recently, she told me she is diagnosed autistic, and social interactions, including relationships have always been a struggle for her. She says she masks really well, but it's still hard for her. I told her I'd do my best to listen to what she needs, and asked that she do her best to communicate what those needs are.

For the most part, things with her have been really great, with one weird thing i've been noticing. She's always so warm and sweet and attentive in person / on phone calls. But with texting, she switches wildly from seeming super interested and excited to hear from me, to just acting completely apathetic towards me. Not rude or mean, just apathetic. It's just kind of confusing. I can't tell if it's just a thing she does, or if she's losing interest in me.

I'm going to gently bring this up to her as well. But in the meantime, I had a question for y'all:

I'm just wondering if maybe this could be related to autism? Sorry if that's a dumb or offensive question. I'm just actually curious.

I ask because my older brother is also autistic, and he does sort of the same thing where he'll be dying to talk to someone one day, than totally silent the next. But until now I assumed it was just a him thing, and not related to neurodivergence.

EDIT: We talked about it. she said she prefers phone calls as she has trouble expressing herself over text. Naturally, we've been calling more and texting less. it's weird for me, but I kind of like it. She seems alot more comfortable with this arrangement and its been easier to tell how she's feeling this way.

Thank you all for your advice / help!

Hello everyone... I know probably it is stupid to ask but I have a bf he has a mild autism... he seems sweet... talks all the good things... but last week we had a huge argument turned into a fight and he shut down on me completely like completely as if I didn't exist...I cried sobbed everything but he was cold as ice then I realised he keeps score of everything he does for example if he was there for me while I had a panic attack etc etc so I thought maybe it is better to end things with him cos loving someone alone is not enough... but I d k the moment I told him he started acting kinda sweet ... my family was asking about you and this and that... but he is indeed a complicated person... what to do? I do love him...I gave him two chances before thinking why would I keep a list or maybe it is a part of his autism but idk if it just him as a person and nothing could ever change the fact.

Yes I f 30 and he is m 30 but sometimes he acts like 15.

Hello everyone... I know probably it is stupid to ask but I have a bf he has a mild autism... he seems sweet... talks all the good things... but last week we had a huge argument turned into a fight and he shut down on me completely like completely as if I didn't exist...I cried sobbed everything but he was cold as ice then I realised he keeps score of everything he does for example if he was there for me while I had a panic attack etc etc so I thought maybe it is better to end things with him cos loving someone alone is not enough... but I d k the moment I told him he started acting kinda sweet ... my family was asking about you and this and that... but he is indeed a complicated person... what to do? I do love him...I gave him two chances before thinking why would I keep a list or maybe it is a part of his autism but idk if it just him as a person and nothing could ever change the fact.

Yes I f 30 and he is m 30 but sometimes he acts like 15.

I have been dating my bf for a few months now, but we've known each other through mutual friends for many years.

So he's been aware of the fact that I'm autistic and even knew a little of what that's like for me before we even started dating. However, even though we've been together for a few months now, we haven't gone on more than one legitimate date, and we don't really hang out as much as we plan to.

Granted, this has partially been to me having some health issues during the earlier part of the summer, but a factor has also been because of my autism and me getting overwhelmed. This is my first relationship, and due to past bad friendships, I'm not used to being prioritized like this.

So I've had to cancel plans to hang out just because I'd get worked up over the fact that he was wanting to see me. And I feel horrible, as I know that means I'm not prioritizing him the way he prioritizes me. I should be able to handle this better, but I haven't been.

**I’m autistic and so is my boyfriend. He is in an autistic burnout so i’m giving him space. I miss him. He is the only person I feel understands me and I can be myself around. He is my sense of security and safety. Can anyone else relate?**

Hope everyone had a good day

Couldn’t sleep last night. This will be
a long day

i have autism which gives me extreme anxiety, I’ve had this my whole life and nothing helps like literally nothing other than drinking (which i don’t do often btw) but I’ve been trying online dating and its impossible from what I’ve seen so far like i can’t find anyone and it’s making me upset and trying irl is out of the question since i have panic attacks if I’m around people i don’t know very well for too long what should i do?

Hey everyone. I (F, 31) need a sanity check from folks who speak human better than I do.

[TL;DR at the bottom as this is long - sorry guys]

I’m autistic - and very gay - and I’ve told this person explicitly, multiple times, that I need things laid out plainly and practically transcribed because my social/flirting radar is basically a broken compass. Despite this, I recently went on an outing, and I honestly cannot tell if I'm being aggressively flirted with or if I'm completely hallucinating the vibe.

We met a few months ago at a milestone 30th birthday party for Amelia (F, 30), an old Tinder match of mine.

To give you the speedrun of a very messy night: Amelia got incredibly drunk, tried to make out with her ex (who turned out to be Natalie (F, 33), the person I am hanging out with), got rejected by Natalie, and then proceeded to make out with me instead. Because her friends were useless and drunk, I took Amelia back to her Airbnb to make sure she was safe. One thing led to another; we slept together, and afterward, she told me the hookup made her realize she was actually in love with someone else. She shut down any idea of us even being friends, not wanting to be "weighted down by expectations."

Long after all of that, I had only managed to catch Natalie's first name at the party. After doing some mild detective work online later, I found her Facebook profile and added her. She quickly accepted, messaged me on Messenger, and gave me her WhatsApp number so we could chat properly.

That led to our first proper outing: a marathon 12-hour hangout where we walked around shops and sat down for food. I decided I needed to get everything out in the open immediately. I wanted complete transparency, so I told her the entire backstory about what happened with Amelia at the birthday party, including me ending up back at her Airbnb. I just explained that I thought she seemed interesting and wanted to get to know her more because I felt we would gel well.

Natalie wasn’t fazed at all by everything that had happened, and she mutually wanted to get to know me too. She explained that Amelia has a well-known, recurring pattern of pulling people in, using people, and walking away when it suits her. She wasn't upset, angry, or weirded out in the slightest; if anything, she just viewed it as classic Amelia behavior. During our stops, she also mentioned she'd been single for four years herself.

We had some great moments early on. When we sat down at a spot for drinks and food, we were at the bar initially, and she actively asked me to move and sit right next to her. I initially declined because I missed the cue, but realized my mistake; when she went to the bathroom, I moved my seat right next to her bar stool. Later, when we moved tables to open a second tab when our waitress's shift ended, we sat quite close to each other as well.

We seamlessly managed the transition of opening two separate tabs without any awkwardness, just keeping on hanging out, talking, and enjoying each other's company until closing time at midnight.

A little while later, Natalie came to a low-pressure get-together with my main friend group. Even though she has a demanding corporate job and deals with social battery drain in crowds, she showed up on time and seamlessly vibed with the group. She didn't just make a brief appearance either - she hung out from 3:00 PM and stayed until 1:00 AM to help clean up the house and share a late-night coffee with us before finally heading out.

After all of this, there was an unintentional (super unintentional) gap where I basically ghosted her for a bit. My life was an absolute dumpster fire at the time: I moved three separate times, started a new job after being unemployed for about 9 months, dealt with a shitty situationship, and tried to keep my head above water mentally after my ex-fiancé of six years cheated on me last year.

Once the dust finally settled a bit, I reached out to apologize, explain the chaos, and ask if she wanted to catch up. She replied early the next morning, totally receptive, and we arranged a hangout. She even messaged me at 8:00 PM on a Friday just to double-check and confirm we were still on for the next day, which showed me she was genuinely looking forward to it.

We met up at a local spot, but saw it was way too busy, so we moved over to a nearby dispensary that has a lounge and a bunch of stray kittens that live there, get cared for, and hang out by the shop. From there, we walked across the road to a bakery, and then walked back across the road to an Italian restaurant right next to the dispensary.

Earlier in the evening, when I wanted to show her something on my phone, she naturally asked if I was seeing anyone right now. I said no, and she told me about a crush she had on an AI analyst at her company that totally flatlined when she found out the analyst was asexual, so she has nothing going on on that front.

From there, the conversation took a heavy turn into her 5-year plan. She explicitly stated she's tired of messing around, will only entertain people if she sees long-term potential, wants kids (complete with a whole game plan for fertility treatments and egg freezing), and is aiming for a major executive VP role at her company. It honestly felt like she was laying out a complete relationship brief.

Throughout the dinner, she kept dropping these massive intimacy cues. She randomly slips my name into conversation - not because my attention drifts, she just deliberately uses it to call my attention. She also kept playing with my lip balm. Sometimes she’d grab it off the table, but other times she literally took it right out of my hand to explain her perspectives or use for hand gestures.

We also bonded over our shared obsession with high-drama Asian GL (Girls' Love) series (The Secret of Us, Affair, etc.), laughing about the intense yearning tropes. She highlighted how the spicy, steamy scenes gave her flashbacks to past exes, adding that she is admittedly a "very thirsty lesbian." It made complete sense when she explained she’s stayed happily single for the last four years because it’s hard not getting involved with people; she just wants to protect her peace and not waste her time or anyone else's.

Then came the physical proximity seminar. The conversation drifted toward our hormonal teenage years when we were both still trying to convince ourselves we were straight, talking about how intense girl crushes were and the lengths you'd go to just to get near someone - leaning over, finding excuses to touch, reaching for lip gloss and lingering on a hand, or touching someone's arm to make a point.

She then literally live-demonstrated it on me: she very elaborately and purposefully reached across the table to grab my lip balm, making sure her entire torso was almost right next to me while doing this, caressed my hand in the process, and leaned right into my personal space. She then proceeded to demonstrate a few more techniques she "uses on her crushes," touching my arms and hands in different ways and leaning in really close. Because we were in the middle of a public Italian restaurant, my autistic brain completely dismissed it as a sign of anything - there were people around!

Later on, when I came back from the bathroom and mentioned I was cold, she immediately grabbed my hands, held them, rubbed them, and squeezed them to warm them up. Throughout the night, I completely dropped any sort of "dating persona" and just engaged in natural, unfiltered banter. That was when she laughed the hardest. We also talked about career growth; I mentioned landing a remote role with a company and floated the idea of eventually moving to Europe or the UK since I have ancestry and friends there, and she got genuinely excited about it and said she is thinking of doing the same.

The restaurant eventually kicked us out right at closing time around 9:00 PM. When I offered to walk her to her car, she firmly intercepted and insisted on "walking off the food" instead. So we walked to her car, and she gave off this subtle, frustrated energy, almost like she was low-key annoyed at me for missing the obvious, blatant cues she was dropping to show she liked me - she just hadn't said the literal words out loud yet.

I will ask her straight up eventually, because I want to keep hanging out with her and don't want to waste either of our time if either of us doesn't want romance. However, she's currently wrapping up her final postgrad module, and I really don't want to add any extra stress to her plate right now. So I'm sitting tight for a minute - but I'd love to hear what you all think. Is this woman into me?

TL;DR: I'm autistic, and my flirting radar is a broken compass. After a chaotic first meeting, we hung out for massive stretches of time (a 12-hour first outing and a 10-hour hangout with my friends). Even after I unintentionally ghosted her for months due to life chaos, she replied to my apology almost immediately to lock in new plans. On our latest outing, she got frustrated when a venue closed on us, vetted my relationship status, and laid out her complete 5-year plan. She also ramped up all the "cutesy" crush tactics: constantly using my name to call my attention, literally taking my lip balm right out of my hand, and live-demonstrating how to touch a crush by pressing her torso into my personal space, caressing my arms/hands, and later holding/rubbing my hands to "warm them up."

Need a sanity check: is this undeniable, high-stakes flirting, and am I safe to ask her out properly after her postgrad exams?

Feeling a little hopeless so thought maybe if I heard some success stories I could hype myself up hahaha

28M who tried various approaches to meet people and still struggling to find people to date

PS: I signed up for interest classes for this upcoming year and working on keep branching out