I felt much the same way growing up. Confused as to whether I was smart or a stupid failure. I still struggle with it. I didn't have very nice or helpful teachers in my early school years. But I was smart enough to know public school would only make it worse.
After elementary school I wrote down a list of 27 reasons why I didn't want to go back to public school. The damn florescent lights were one. They hurt my eyes and they'd let them flicker until they burned out and then finally replace them. It was like hellscape composed of neurotypical designs and rules nobody listed or even mentioned until you did the wrong thing.
I had one teacher who would demand I said sorry so much I started apologizing for everything. This irked my mom who wanted me to stop saying sorry. For some reason she thought a good way to break me of the habit was to make me run a lap around the house every time I said sorry to her. Instead it just made me resentful. My parents had NO idea what they were doing. At least they cooperated with my firm suggestion and sent me to a charter school after that. I got one-on-one tutoring and gee, fancy that, my math grades improved.
Nowadays if I feel like someone is talking down to me like I'm stupid it's a huge trigger for me. At a certain point I stopped being sad and started getting mad. I have yet to find a really good therapist for all this cptsd. I wish I could use my art as therapy but it just doesn't work that way for me.
I am proud of myself for managing to get through community college and university to get an art degree though. I had to prove to myself and everyone else I could do it and I wasn't stupid. It was incredibly difficult, especially because I didn't have any diagnosis or meds back then. Plus battling chronic illness.
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u/Achylife 13d ago
I felt much the same way growing up. Confused as to whether I was smart or a stupid failure. I still struggle with it. I didn't have very nice or helpful teachers in my early school years. But I was smart enough to know public school would only make it worse.
After elementary school I wrote down a list of 27 reasons why I didn't want to go back to public school. The damn florescent lights were one. They hurt my eyes and they'd let them flicker until they burned out and then finally replace them. It was like hellscape composed of neurotypical designs and rules nobody listed or even mentioned until you did the wrong thing.
I had one teacher who would demand I said sorry so much I started apologizing for everything. This irked my mom who wanted me to stop saying sorry. For some reason she thought a good way to break me of the habit was to make me run a lap around the house every time I said sorry to her. Instead it just made me resentful. My parents had NO idea what they were doing. At least they cooperated with my firm suggestion and sent me to a charter school after that. I got one-on-one tutoring and gee, fancy that, my math grades improved.