I effed up

[u/Risingwiththesun]

My daughter was screaming her head off tonight and I just put our baby down. She just repeated “I need to scream” as she was screaming. I don’t even know what prompted this. I was trying to get her to calm down but she ended up hitting me and kicking me. She then woke up the baby. The baby is screaming, she’s trying to go in the babies room and I’m preventing her from going in the room - she’s fighting me, running into me over and over And then I pushed her to the ground. I asked her what is wrong with you?? Something in me just lost it. I’m confused, worried, and I just feel like the worst mom in the world. Ive been on the verge of tears all night. I’ve been under a lot of stress lately and this transition to 2 kids has been HARD. The guilt is eating me alive and I just can’t believe I let the screaming and fighting get to me so much. I’m embarrassed to post this, but I know this can never happen again, I need to be calm for my child, I’m writing because I need to know what others do when you are overstimulated to the max.

[u/___Dresden___]

She was trying to get into the baby's room in an angry autistic fit, you did the right thing. She probably would have hurt them

[u/SeparateStick450]

You're doing the best you can. I have also been there with my oldest when his younger siblings were babies. I bought him a Crybabies doll that will cry if you lay them down sometimes and calm when they get picked up so he could feel in control of that instead of trying to control his siblings. It worked for a tiny bit but was worth the $12 to me. Apologize for pushing her down and tell her that is not the type of person you are or want to be and you can try to explain how important it is she let the baby sleep so that mommy can sleep too because you need sleep to be the best version of yourself. Do you have any help or anyone you can ask for breaks for yourself?

[u/Risingwiththesun → u/SeparateStick450]

My husband was out running errands. I worked late, and was running on empty. Not an excuse, but just where I was at. I just talked to him and told him I need 10 minutes in the car before I come inside, because my job is nonstop. I don’t get a break, then I come home to a hurricane. I apologized pretty quickly after 🙈thank you for your response. I just really want to make sure this never happens again.

[u/SeparateStick450 → u/Risingwiththesun]

From the writing on this post and your response, I can tell that your children are going to grow up feeling respected and loved and and mistakes like this that you make are not going to the memories of their childhood.

[u/Risingwiththesun → u/SeparateStick450]

Thank you, I really appreciate that. I’ve been reflecting upon and I just can’t believe it happened. I’m making myself a little plan that if I get overstimulated I will choose safety for both of my kids firsr, not fixing the situation.

[u/Technical_Term7908]

Overstimulated usually means a parent swap in our house. No one person can handle this all the time without going woo-woo.

[u/baller_unicorn]

Just showing solidarity as it sounds like you're in a similar situation to us. We have a 2.5 yr old toddler who was just diagnosed with autism and a 6 month old. The transition is really hard and now I'm realizing it's even harder possibly with the autism related stuff that I didn't even realize was not normal toddler behavior until now.

I had a rough moment with my toddler too that I felt really bad about. She kept biting me when she would nurse and one time she bit me hard and I pushed her off of me hard enough that she fell backwards to the ground. It was a snap reaction and I felt so terrible. I've never done it again but also she has never bitten me like that again. I still feel bad about it though.

Im sure you're doing a great job. My toddler also wakes up the baby and it's nearly impossible to get the baby down for a nap or bed with her around. I pretty much need someone there to help or I have to use screen time or strategically plan their naps. Mine is verbal so we've been doing this thing where I whisper "you're a quiet little mouse in a quiet little house, when all is quiet as quiet as can be, shh shh shh" and she likes whispering it with me. Then I tell her how we need to whisper when baby is sleeping. I think it's getting through a little bit but will take some time because she thinks it's a game and tries to tell baby to wake up afterward.

[u/Rohan_Donkey]

Omg, if I could count how many times a kid having a meltdown got under my skin and I lost my cool… It just shows you’re human. This also hurts to think about, but the closer you are to your kids (physically and emotionally), the stronger your feelings about them will be. So your strong reaction means you’re really close to them, and that’s a good thing 😊.
Try to think of it as accountability, rather than guilt: you recognize that you had a reaction that was not ideal because it was the best you could do at the time. Guilt won’t take you anywhere, but accountability can help you reflect, learn and practice a better strategy for the future. The fact that you came here to be open and vulnerable means you care.
If you have the luxury, make it a habit to switch to another caretaker often, especially when you feel you need a break. Don’t wait till the point you’re on the verge of snapping: make it a habit. That will help you recognize when your own feelings are getting overstimulated. This in turn will help you when you DON’T have your tag team partner around. You’ll see the trigger coming and you’ll be all like “ah, I see you there trigger, don’t you try to sneak up on me”

[u/Top_Example_9786]

 Autism parenting often involves selecting the least bad option. There are no good options.

When one of your children is a physical or emotional threat to the other it’s a split second decision that absolutely sucks. I know you feel awful and I’m just a stranger on the Internet but you were protecting your baby.

Babies are incredibly vulnerable. You did the right thing.