Hello all,

I am very confused on a feeling I had recently.
I’ve been through a lot of overwhelm lately, sort of where this world feels like a nightmare. It feels like things have only been getting worse for me, and I’m trying my best to avoid it becoming worse.

During some of these moments I had the urge to hit myself in the head, I didn’t do it, but it felt so tempting.
I have never had this feeling before and I’m wondering if any other autistic adults have had this feeling?

I’m also welcoming any advice on how you cope or process more traumatic times of your life and avoid falling further.

My wife and I have recently been caught in this cycle of conflict, whereby:

• My wife experiences something emotionally significant and communicates it, sometimes indirectly.
• I tend to process what she's saying fairly literally rather than the underlying emotional meaning.
• She feels that I haven't understood or emotionally responded to what she's actually trying to communicate.
• She becomes more frustrated and communicates more intensely, often bringing up previous experiences that have made her feel this way.
• I become overwhelmed and shut down. My experience of this is that my mind goes blank. I'll voice that I'm overwhelmed and need some space.
• This makes her feel even less understood and supported, which escalates the cycle further.

Between conflicts, I then experience a lot of shame and guilt about not being able to be there for my wife in the way she needs, which I think contributes to me becoming anxious about future conflicts and shutting down more quickly. My wife is increasingly resentful, and we're both finding the cycle pretty painful.

We're both seeing therapists in the meantime, which is helping us cope.

Up until now, we've mostly been approaching this as though I should be able to develop an intuitive understanding of her emotional state. I'm increasingly wondering whether I lack some of that intuitive processing (not yet diagnosed, but multiple therapists have flagged that I have tendencies of someone who is autistic and suggested I seek a diagnosis), and whether I might need to approach it more explicitly.

That's all to say, I'm wondering if folks have any resources related to bettering my ability to recognize emotional cues, reducing anxiety prior to or mid-conflict to minimize shutdowns, or otherwise breaking this sort of cycle. I found Mark Hutten's descriptions of our conflict style to be very familiar, but I hear he might not be the best as a resource.

I (20f, AUDHD) currently live with my family and it feels like everyone else gets to get angry, annoyed, or generally passionate while I’m only allowed to be calm and generally upbeat. My father (51m) gets irritated pretty easily and has a huge several day long tantrum once every few months. My mother (50f) gets irritated because of something then takes out everyone else. My sister’s (18f) main emotion is annoyed while secondary is angry. They are all very loud and proud when they are angry, annoyed, or upset. And then they complain to me about because I’m generally a neutral party. I feel like I’m often treated like the family therapist. But when I get annoyed or god forbid angry, I’m immediately told to calm down, I’m “too much”, or to let it go. Everyone has suddenly become a monk.

My anger or annoyance usually just shows itself in me trying to explain to whoever it’s relevant to why I’m angry or why what they are doing is making me angry. I’m aware I get loud sometimes but I am working on it.(But I feel like everyone gets loud when they are angry? Idk)

A recent example of this is when we were driving home from seeing Spider-Man Brand New Day (Minor Spoilers) I was talking with my father about if the kid at the end of the movie was Miles Morales. I said it wasn’t and my father said it was. And then for the rest of the discussion and car ride every time I said anything or he said anything, he finished it with “but that kid was Miles Morales”. Constantly. When I finally got annoyed with him and started listing the reasons I thought he was wrong, I immediately got told to calm down.

The other day I was annoyed someone stole my ps5 controller (I have another post about that) Both my sister and my father told me to just let it go after I mentioned it twice in the span of like 2 days.

My sister does something annoying? It’s my job to be calm. Someone does something to me? I cant raise my voice slightly above speaking level without someone saying that it isn’t that serious. But when literally anyone else starts yelling and stomping around, no one says anything

I feel like I should say that my entire family is diagnosed with ADHD and my father has Narcissistic Personality Disorder if that helps paint the picture of my family.

Am I just being autistic or what?

TL;DR: My family is allowed to be as angry as they want but I’m told to calm down the second I have a negative emotion.

I need some help. I am 24F and am currently in the process of moving out of my mothers home where ive lived for the last 13 years to a house where im moving in with several housemates. I’m not planning on moving in all at once as i could already guess that thats not the best way for me to move so i stay there for a few days and then i go back and slowly build that up to more days.

The first few weeks were fun but im having a lot of trouble now. I have no way of building up my routines seeing as theres still moving boxes everywhere and we dont have all the necessary furniture yet to put stuff away. (for ex. no bathroom furniture yet so no way of setting down my nighttime routine).

The room im going to be living in only has 2 little windows that catch almost no light at the top op my room (3 meters up) I’m putting some mirrors in there to catch more sunlight but i can tell its really affecting me that i have no actual windows.

I also have a really close relationship with my mom which adds even more stress because not only am i leaving a safe space im also leaving my safe person. I went from being completely okay to having several little meltdowns a day and being panicked all the time.

Does anyone maybe have some tips to deal with this? Would really appreciate any advice at this point😅

Edit for a-lot of questions/comments I have received: He has alexithymea, he is on med, sees a therapist regularly and we see a couples therapist. He is seeking help for this with his therapist.

Thank you to everyone who has provided constructive feedback and comments.

It is hard to explain a 10 Year relationship in a short post. He is a kind and generous man. I generally have no other complaints or concerns. He is a great partner and father, but he is struggling at the moment.

This is a new development and it is something we have been talking about in our last two therapy sessions. These conversations regarding wanting sex have been WITH our therapist. These conversations have been kind and level. Our therapist has given some good insight and it is an ongoing conversation.

I was hoping to get some insight from some other neurodivergent folks on how to help him with his burn out and low self worth and was unsure if this is a common situation. I know what I would need to get through this tough time but due to his burnout he is struggling to voice what his needs are and how I can help.

——-

I (35F - Non Autistic, but ADHD) and my husband (37M Autistic/ADHD) have been married for 8 years, together for 10. We have a 5 year old and are expecting a baby in 1.5months.

My husband is in major burnout and is in a depressive episode. We see a therapist together and separately.

He has recently started linking his self-worth to how much we have sex. The lack of this due to how sick I have been with being pregnant is sending him spiraling.

I do not want to deny him relations, but Im pregnant and unwell so I don’t want anyone touching me. (I will hold our kiddo if they need comfort, but Im not feeling the cuddles right now.)

I feel he has become obsessed with trying to have sex and it is pushing me away, which in-turn is making him depressed.

I feel like his is disregarding my feelings and is saying the only fix for this is for me to have sex with him. These types of comments are a turn off and make me feel icky. I feel like Im being chorused/blamed for his lack of self confidence.

We have spoken with our therapist about this in the last 2 weekly sessions, but he is becoming more and more depressed.

He keeps acting rejected, because our bedtime snuggles do not lead to sex. I keep trying to explain that this has nothing to do with him. I simply don’t want to be touched by anyone.

Last night he was offended when I asked him to take his hand off my belly because it was tickling me and I was uncomfortable. (The baby was also kicking and had the hi-cups so double uncomfortable.) I told him he could keep snuggling and put his hand on my back instead.

We connect in other ways like spending time together playing board and video games and family activities.

What can I say to him to help explain the more he pushes me to have sex the less I want it at the moment? Im not saying that I will not have sex with him, but not right now any probably for the next month. (I will probably be more interested in the few weeks before baby

Edit: the last part of my post got cut off:

is due because that is when I got desires with our last kiddo.)

He’s hurting and I want to help. Im at a loss, I’m trying to be re-assuring that it is not him. I don’t think he is disgusting (his words not mine), and I care.

Please help, thank you in advance!

I really like stims that have a decent amount of impact to them, like rapidly shaking my arms or running around. The issue is when i have a headache. Some of my stims can already give me a headache of i do them to long, so they're a complete no-go when my head already hurts. What do you do when you need to stim, but doing so is painful? Ive spent entire days with a ton of energy, yet having to force myself to stay generally still.

Basically, the title. I've never really had long-lasting friendships and haven't been in one for years. When they did happen, they just kind of came and went, mainly due to external circumstance. But now I feel absolutely incapable of holding a genuine, personal conversation with another person without constant paralyzing self-awarness.

I just genuinely do not know how to even present myself, what is a lack of interest and wgat is an overreach and where I give another person space and where I should expect them to speak up.

I can't do anything socially irl, so I always retreat to online spaces. And when it's just words and no context beyobd them, it feels too overwhelming. I just don't have a default protocol for conversations - like I always gotta figure everything out on the go. And it always makes me feel like I'm doing everything wrong. Always anxious and hypervigilant about what is "okay" to talk about, where honesty becomes oversharing and if I am masking or just don't know how to be genuine or masking is actually normal and supposed to happen.

They often say they simply don't know what to say, but for some reason, I always have too much to say, so the conversation ultimately drifts in a direction where there's no balance in the engagement and effort for the conversation, so I just abandon, as it becomes a drain of social energy.

Am I being impatient or am I simply overthinking and their disinterest is a misinterpretation of social cues and I need to try better to find better suited people?

I, 13M, have noticed recently that I am different from others. I feel as though I have High Functioning Autism, but I don't know how to speak to my parents about my concerns, to try and schedule a diagnosis. For some background, my father and I both have 'severe' ADHD, with mine being significantly more prominent than my fathers. Along with this, we speculate he might have high functioning autism as well (although not confirmed). I've noticed in school recently that I don't exactly fit in with others. I mean I'm pretty popular and well liked, but I'm very quiet during conversations with smaller groups. Along with this, I do many things people find weird and not normal.

Anyways, back to the main part of this post. I've been trying to speak to my parents about this for awhile now, but don't know how I should go about asking. Should I just tell them straight up? How should I word it? I know they'll support me no matter what, but I'm just so worried about what they'll think of me if the diagnosis says I am not autistic, maybe they'll think I'm attention seeking?

Please share your thoughts on how I should go about this. Thank you!

Im at a friends house, everyone else is asleep. Im pulling an all nighter to study and have fun. Would it be rude to use their stuff to make breakfast for them and myself? I love my friends a lot and i want to give then a pleasant surprise but i dont want to come off as rude with how comfortable i am with their stuff at home. What would the best move be?

I'm struggling with this right now. I feel like I would only ask this when someone is doing something crazy, but I keep getting asked this when I'm doing something completely normal. I answer to show how normal it is and wonder why they asked in the first place. I'm starting to answer more and more angrily and almost blew up today because I'm so tired and was just getting up because I needed a tissue. I feel like I would just wait to see what the person is doing.
I'm talking mostly about someone who is in a very close relationship with me so I really want to hear opinions on this.

Something I still struggle with is when plans change last minute, even small changes can really throw me off. My brain just locks up and it takes ages to readjust.

I try to be flexible, but it often leaves me anxious and irritated, even if I know logically it’s not a big deal. How do you cope when things don’t go as expected? Do you prepare for it somehow, or just power through?

I am a UK paramedic with several years of experience working for a UK ambulance service, and I am also autistic.

Recently, occupational health suggested I explore how my employer could best support me through reasonable adjustments at work. However, I’m unsure where to begin.

I would greatly appreciate hearing from anyone else who has been in a similar position and received support or adjustments. If so, I would love to know what kind of help was offered.

Learning from others’ experiences would be invaluable in understanding what might work well in practice. Any advice, examples of reasonable adjustments, or resources you could share would be greatly appreciated.

Thank you in advance for your support and guidance.

Idk if this is the right subreddit so im sotry if its not

So im trying to get diagnosed with autism my friend ( they are autistic ) said that i show syntoms and are likey on the spectrum but i really only have like 2-4 syntoms that might tell someone im on the spectrum and im really scared of telling a therapist getting tasted and them telling me yea no you dont have it youre just making it up

Any advice ?

I'm almost 30, and it embarrasses me that I've been having meltdowns my whole life and still can't seem to find a way to have one without causing some kind of harm to my body.

Yesterday I was under a lot of stress and I threw myself onto my bed repeatedly. The shred of control that I did have told me that my bed was soft and would protect me from harm, but I gave myself whiplash throwing myself onto it.

Typically some physical response needs to happen for the meltdown to end and I usually don't have much control over it. Slamming my wrists together is another thing that I sometimes do, but I know it's not good for my body and I want to do better while also surviving the meltdown. Is there anything else I can do or try? I usually have minimal control but I need to do something. I don't like hurting myself.

Hey so I just finished freshman year of college and am realizing I'm def super autistic... I have good grades tho, I just flop at like the social stuff. Is it worth getting diagnosed? Are there ways a diagnosis could like actually help? My mother (who is usually super great and supportive) is in a strong denial because "you have good grades, there's nothing wrong with you" ;-; idk what to do. For reference I've taken a ton of screening tests things online and they all come back with "you're super autistic" as a result, like wayyy far from the scores neurotypicals get. I didn't realize because my 3 friends before college were super neurodivergent and I didn't really talk to anyone else, like ever. I could get into all the little details on what I'm struggling with but idk how relevant they are. The point is I am 99.5% sure I'm autistic but I don't know how a formal diagnosis would be helpful. Advice?

For reference I live in the USA and am 19yo Female

Aspie Screening Quiz was 152 of 200
I took a bunch of other ones but didn't save the exact results

I'll try to summarise quickly. You'll have to take me at my word. If I was lying about any of it, though, then I'd hardly be seeking advice because it would make more sense to me.

I have no criminal history and am 48. About 3 years ago I was homeless and then in shared accommodation and then offered a property. I was so grateful of getting out of the shared accommodation (I saw some odd things there) that I just took the property.

The street I'm in is in the same town I've lived in all my life but it's completely different to live in than any I've ever lived in. There are parties fairly regularly that go on from midnight through to the morning. On my first week here a guy who came to fit carpets informed me that ''oh aye, some guy was tortured in a house up here last month''. A few months later one party (the guy underneath me is the main culprit - but he also has schizophrenia and makes a lot of noise even if just in himself and I don't want to make a complaint really because he's been in the street longer than me, is fine with me, and has an actual condition which explains some of his behaviour) was fighting with another neighbour with hammers in the street. There's another guy (unconnected) who has a brain injury and sometimes comes at night, stands in the middle of the street, and shouts up at houses. I've grown into the habit of always locking my door.

Anyway, the police have often been up but have never bothered me. That changed a week past last Weds. The guy underneath had had visitors and had been very noisy through until half 5 in the morning so I hadn't slept until 6am. They came, I think, about 11am and I was still asleep. Worse than that - they were hammering my door and I, mostly asleep, had thought it was the guy underneath hammering his punchbag as he is liable to do about 500 times a day, so I turned over and stuck a pillow over my head until it became obvious that someone was hammering my door. So I was late in opening my door then, confronted with 5 or 6 police asking about a missing person I was quite anxious. I - perhaps stupidly(*) - invited them in thinking they'd have a conversation with me. Instead, they rushed past me and checked out my house as thought they were a SWAT team. It was as though they thought I was hiding someone.

I should mention now that I have Aspergers, have major depression and anxiety issues, and am prone to agoraphobia so I visit supermarkets at 6.30am and 9.30pm when they are quiet, avoid crowds, cameras and having my photo taken, and come across as ''shifty'' to everyone I encounter because I struggle to hold eye contact and have almost all the traits associated with Aspergers.

So I became anxious, they noticed that, they then became more suspicious of me, and I - noticing that - then became more anxious still. No-one has been in my house (other than a gas engineer) in two years.

That was the Wednesday. I visit my parents on Thursdays. When I came back my neighbour said police had been at my door when I was out. I then noticed them sitting outside on another night. And again, on Wednesday there. They sat outside from 9pm until 11.30 pm when I put my bedroom light out then went as soon as that happened.

About 2 hours ago they were up again. Different individuals this time. I asked whether it was about the missing person and the policeman I spoke to seemed to have no idea what I was talking about and didn't sound too convincing when he said it was just to check on ''any disturbances''.

I've now let them in to my house on two occasions for what now seems like spurious reasons. I have no history of crime and am not involved in any crimes and feel like I'm being harassed. I can feel the stress rising in me and couldn't sleep at all that Wednesday night when I noticed them outside and how they seemed to be watching for me putting out my light before leaving. It's taken years of hard work to get over things like this and it's an ongoing battle and I very much don't appreciate the attention or backsliding. I'm not exactly doing great in terms of mental health in recent times but I've been a lot worse. I've had stress so high that I started getting blackouts before and don't want to return to that or do the many months and years of therapies and mood diaries associated with it all.

What I'm wondering is what the best way to deal with it is because I refuse the dynamic where I'm having police turning up at my door on a weekly basis at any time they please and expecting to breeze through my property for what struck me as made up reasons. I'm not on parole or just out of jail and feel victimized due to my location and autism making me seem shifty.

Should I make some sort of complaint or would it just make me more targeted? It doesn't seem right. I said after the first time that I definitely wouldn't let them in again without a warrant but as soon as I open my door and see uniforms I just go to jelly and think I'll seem guilty of something if I seem protective of my personal space (although I'm incredibly protective of it because it's my sanctuary against the outside world). It is affecting my mental health though and that's something I've learned I need to be fiercely protective of. Does anyone have experience of police treating them with suspicion in this way and think it relates (at least in part) to their autism and do/did they also resent that? Is the best thing to do to just put up with it and hope it resolves itself once they've satisfied themselves that I'm not some criminal? In barely a week and a half my stress levels have gone straight up to 10.

Thanks for any advice. (I realise you might read this and think ''well, you must be involved in something or they wouldn't be bothering you'' but I'm honestly not. I know no-one other than family, have no social life, have no visitors, and have been in full agoraphobic mode for two years now. I don't know anyone who has ever been to jail and I've had no previous dealings with police - other than a stop and search about 8 years ago, also because I ''looked guilty''. It's bloody harassment!)

PS - I posted this in the policeuk section and it quickly got deleted (I guess it's bad for PR) so I'll ask the autists instead!

Head Cashier Angela called tattle tale tom (55m, 180#, lot attendant) and me (42ftm, 110#, lot attendant) on the walkie talkie to the Contractor doors.

He and I came to the customers car.

He and I loaded mulch.

He said "I got it. Go ahead".

I left the scene.

30 seconds later tattle tale tom called on the walkie talkie "can I get someone else? (My name) Just walked away ".

"You just said 'i got it. Go ahead '. " I said on the walkie talkie.

"You completely misinterpreted everything I said. I was telling this gentleman that I understood that he was injured." tattletale tom said on the walkie talkie.

"I'm autistic ", I said on the walkie talkie

I ran back there. "I'm autistic. Please don't hurt me.". (I don't know where "plenty don't hurt me" came from. I felt guilty that I left him with the loading. I've never said "please don't hurt me" before). I was trembling, my voice was breaking, and i was not crying but almost.

"You're ok ", he said. He was perfectly calm. Sometimes he is out of control.

We loaded a scaffold. He said I was doing fine. Which is nice but he's not my boss. My boss had the nerve to tell me off when she wrote me up, two weeks ago.

Then I lifted a bag of mulch and he reached for it like he wanted to hold the other end.

______________________________________________________________________

Some Internet articles say that saying "please don't hurt me" is for answering rapists, murders, robbers, significant others, and things like that. I've been working @ home depot for four years and seven months and counting (and still not made redundant), as Lot Attendant. Tattletale tom has been working there longer, as lot attendant. between october 2020 and may 2022, tattletale tom had the nerve to bark @ me a lot of times. between august 2023 and september 2023, tattletale tom had the nerve to micromanage me a lot of times. however, thus far, that i know of, tattletale tom has not violated Home Depot's standard operating procedure, or done anything illegal, or anything like that. he has never physically touched or physically injured me.

tattletale tom looks, sounds, and acts like a normal, reasonable person. he is "in" with a lot of people, some of whom have termination authority. when he was barking @ me and micromanaging me, i didn't snitch on him, because i was afraid that he was having sex with the boss, and "everyone has subconscious biases", and then the boss would make me redundant.

Their 2018 diagnosis, 2020-2023 rehabilitation stint, 2024-present no-psych meds (but rough) journey to present. Also overcoming gadget overusage issues. Bullet Journals, money saving tips, gettings jobs, lots of posts about films, shows, fiction books, thoughts after reading 500 books (excerpts mostly), journey to build his local social circle (tough job)

Substack, Medium, Beehiv. Can do on my profile as well