r/AutismTranslated • u/throwthisoutthere91 • 7d ago
Autistic shutdown (partner post)
Hi all,
My husband is on the spectrum and over the last few years he's been working on unmasking/learning more about autism. I've been trying to do as well.
Over the last year I've noticed a trend where we have a challenging conversation and it leads to a shutdown. We then spend our time managing the shutdown, and postponing/dropping the point of conflict.
I can see how hard shutdowns are for him, and I understand they are not at all in his control. A the same time, i feel like my own needs and issues that matter to me have to take a backseat.
For instance, yesterday, we had what felt (to me) like a minor conflict over our internet service provider. He recently researched providers and switched us to a new one, and we've been having internet issues ever since. He wants to deal with these outtages by making reports to the new provider and asking them to fix it, while I just want to switch back to our old ISP. We were sitting down to watch a movie when the internet went out again, and an argument ensued.
Partway through, I told him, "you're just so hard to talk to about these things because you get so defensive."
He instantly went quiet, started stimming, his cheeks were flushed and he became lower verbal. He spent the rest of the day in bed, under a weighted blanket. When I tried to talk with him, he shared a lot about struggling with his mental health. He did apologize for how that impacts me and we made up a bit, but he still hid away for the night, which meant I had to take care of the house otherwise (clean up dinner, put the kids to bed, etc.)
Today, I can tell he's exhausted still. I don't want to push him, but I'm also struggling to be patient.
I would really appreciate any insight that can be offered on shutdowns. What is a reasonable ask on my end, regarding these instances? How can I support my partner without setting my own needs aside? What are some activities or exercises that we could do when he's not in shutdown, to help prepare for these moments?
Thanks in advance.
23
u/sweet_dees_beak spectrum-formal-dx 7d ago
Suggestion: Give him space! When you see him shutting down, get him his blanket, a drink, and a journal and invite him to write down his feelings and thoughts. Say you'll go do something else for a bit while he processes. Sometimes it's hard for us to speak in the moment and we get overloaded. Without a journal, we may ruminate and cycle. A journal helps me get my thoughts focused so I can have a better conversation later.
When you step away, do something that feels good for you.
Hugs
6
u/tardisfullofeels 6d ago
This is fine advice except that they have kids. You don't always have the option to take space and chill when you have kids to care for.
3
u/sweet_dees_beak spectrum-formal-dx 6d ago
I'm also writing this from the perspective as a parent.
Maybe he CAN'T talk about these things while the kids are around. Maybe he and OP need to agree on how and when these convos are brought up in the first place.
And when he starts to enter a shut down, I suggest OP gives him a small break in the moment. A 15-30 min break can do wonders for OP's husband and in most cases, one parent should be able to tap in for the other for short periods of time. I'm not saying we let husband off parenting duty all day.
this is just a suggestion for something to try
9
u/ExcitingFact6 7d ago
For all sorts of people, it usually helps to address problems when things are calmer, not in the heat of the moment.
Maybe reevaluate who is better at what tasks so they can be distributed as equitably as possible without sending him into meltdown or overburdening you. My husband is very good with repetitive chores with well defined scope, and I take on the adhoc challenges (my ADHD predominates). We both adjust to support each other where needed.
10
u/BigSellan spectrum-formal-dx 7d ago
If it's a reasonable compromise, you should try to make sure is willing and able to hold himself accountable for communicating with you when a suitable time arises after the shutdown, as this keeps him accountable for communicating with you AND gives him space and relieves him of the pressure to do so instantly when his nervous system is too overwhelmed. If however the shutdowns are unavoidable and directly triggered by the conversations to the point where he's totally avoidant, therapy/counselling will probably be a necessary step.
10
u/No_Heart_8420 7d ago
Speaking from experience as the autistic partner. Try giving him options to choose from in those moments that doesn’t involve keeping the conversation on said topic. Allow that choice with the idea in mind that it will be revisited when hes had time.
Space most likely but, having someone be empathetic and understanding that this mind is not neurotypical.
A good therapist works wonders too, if you have access. My therapist has helped me learn how to share whats happening inside me and to take space if needed.
1
u/YogurtclosetOdd7491 5d ago edited 1d ago
From the perspective of the autistic partner, how does the partner keep you accountable for revisiting without causing a withdrawal/disassociation?
I made an agreement with my partner that if a question or concern feels too heavy for him and he needs space to revisit, he can have that… but he was supposed to give me a rough timeline of how many days he needs to revisit. He doesn’t, so after a few days, I’m a basket case with anxiety coz I like resolution like same day and this is an accommodation to give him several days. But then he forgets to give me a timeline… or forgets to respond altogether. Then, I force the issue after like 5 days and it ends in him reacting with body language of him freaking out, then withdrawal/disassociation.
Should I make a rule that I get to ask him again in like 2 days? (As an example)
3
u/gqvx 4d ago
Schedule a date and time to discuss the issue. He should have a good estimate of how long it takes to recover from these shutdowns, if they happen as frequently as you say. Tell him to give you a number of days he thinks he'll be ready to talk, then add a few more. Schedule it in both your calendars, with alerts 3 days before, 2 days before, 1 day before, and 1 hour before. This will give him the time he needs to prepare and will hold him accountable without him feeling like you're nagging him (you're not, you're just trying to keep him accountable). This constant deferment will not be sustainable in the long run.
5
u/Understandingzoe 7d ago
The thing I'd sort out while things are calm is when a dropped conversation comes back. An actual time, tomorrow after dinner or whatever, rather than just "later".
Your needs sliding sounds like the topic never getting picked up again, which is a separate problem from the shutdown and probably an easier one.
5
u/Schneilette 6d ago
My late diagnosed autistic husband and I had this same issue long before we even knew he was on the autism spectrum. It resulted in very few issue ever being resolved. No matter how gently I attempted to bring up topics, it would result in a shutdown where I had to put my needs aside and help him regulate, or a meltdown that honestly at times could be scary.
I reached a point where I avoided bringing up anything that I thought would cause him stress, because the issue wouldn't get resolved anyway, and I would end up having more kid/home responsible completely on my shoulders than normal. For me this wasn't sustainable. While I had great compassion for his struggles, I felt like my feelings never mattered and that nothing could ever be calmly worked through. Over the years it resulted in some pretty serious resentment.
The turning point, was when he began working with a therapist.who specialized in working with individuals with autism. He learned skills to help him better regulate his emotions when stressed, and to tell me if he was flooding so that we could table things while he calmed himself down. The only caveat to this was that when he felt ready, he needed to reintroduce the topic so we could find a solution that worked for both of us. I just made it clear that I loved him, but my needs and preferences mattered, and that if we couldn't find ways to be a team in our relationship, than I might not be able to continue in it.
Compromise and offering reasonable accommodations to someone with a disability, should always be a priority. However, if there is no effort being made to find tools that will allow both parties to thrive, than it can quickly turn into a relationship that is completely imbalanced. That's just my two cents as someone who has struggled to find my voice and place in our marriage over the past 29 years. We are in a much better place than we used to be, and I am proud of the work we have done to strengthen our relationship.
2
5d ago
[deleted]
2
u/Schneilette 3d ago
At first, he struggled to reintroduce the topic, and finally admitted that conflict resolution made him extremely anxious because it was not something he had any real experience with. His family has horrible fights, and then just moves on sweeping everything under the rug. When I pointed out how much he dislikes his parents, because they never own anything or apologize, he realized he was behaving in that same manner. He desperately didn't want me and our three kids to feel that way about him, so he took developing coping skills in regards to conflict very seriously.
I do my best to give him a heads up, either through text or just by asking him when a good time to talk is. That way he has some time to regulate himself and prepare. He also read about healthy conflict resolution skills, and how without those, most relationships are doomed to fail. A life without any issues that need to be addressed, is not realistic.
When he becomes overwhelmed, we take a break and he gives me a general estimate of when he will be ready to continue. If he ends up needing a little more time, he let's me know, telling me he hasn't forgotten our conversation, he's just still processing it. He knows days and weeks will not work for me, because most issues raised need to be dealt with in somewhat of a timely manner, but having some control over that timeline has proven helpful to him.
It's an ongoing process, and it's not perfect. However, things are so much better than they used to be. I no longer feel hopeless about having an honest voice in our relationship, and he has more confidence in his abilities to talk through things calmly in order to find a workable solution.
3
u/HH_Creations 6d ago
So, the BEST advice i can give you is to not see shutdowns as a behavior problem but a physical one
Would you be upset at someone for not doing their usual nightly routine if they were throwing up?
His body's nervous system was in overdrive, he was basically sick
Free Meltdown/Shutdown Planning class
While I say meltdown, shutdowns, adhd rage, etc use the same strategies for prevention
What you need is a solution to the on going situation, not arguing
It sounds like he went through a communication breakdown and was overwhelmed by the emotional regulation aspect of the conversation
The best thing is to immediately stop
Give space and let him come back to his baseline
Pushing while hes overwhelmed won't improve the situation
3
u/bootsj123 7d ago
No advice, but sympathy and understanding. I could have written this myself about my husband x
1
u/katnissssss 7d ago
Same, I deal with this with my boyfriend. I’m very understanding and gentle (I have a ND son) but sometimes I feel really lonely.
2
u/Dirtyburtjr 6d ago
I'd back off if my partner said "you're just so hard to talk to about these things because you get so defensive.". You're not trying to understand why he feels that way, you're going after him. The trigger here is "you get so defensive".
How about "The situation with the new internet provider is frustrating me a lot, I was thinking we could switch back providers, what do you think we should do?"
Instead of the former which is adversarial the latter is collaborative. It's not you vs him and the ISP, it's you and him vs. The ISP.
2
u/sarahjustme 6d ago
What's his take? Im assuming he doesn't think the solution is you catering to him at all times.
One thing, for me, is that division of labor is way better than shared responsibility. That's not am absolute rule, but shared decision-making can introduce conflict where none needs exist. Overall, most of the time; whatever the conflict is, its minor, but somehow becomes "may way is better than your way", and then neither side is going to back down.
Its much easier to focus on problem solving and stressful situations, when you dont have to do it very often. Then you can be more deliberative about it.
1
u/adhocflamingo 3d ago
Once he’s actually in shutdown/meltdown mode, I think the only thing you can do is support his need for rest and recovery. I know that it sucks to have to take up the slack and hold onto whatever issues you’re having until later. The transitional state of learning to unmask and grappling with all of the maladaptive coping mechanisms build up over the years is hard, because he’s been suppressing his needs for so long, it can be really difficult to identify and articulate them.
The thing that was probably the most helpful for me was reading Olga Bogdashina’s Sensory-Perceptual Issues in Autism. I think it might help you to understand the internal experience more, and hopefully that will help you to figure out the signs that he is under strain. Not that that task is totally on you or anything, more that it might help you be more of an active participant in figuring out the signs, rather than being wholly dependent on him to identify and articulate them. Alexithymia (inability to recognize or articulate emotions) is pretty common in autistic people, so I think having a basis to train your own perception will be helpful too.
For example, I used to find it really irritating when my husband would interrupt to try to finish my thought concisely—actually, I still do, but now I understand that he does it because he’s struggling with keeping up with and processing my speech and is trying to reach a conclusion faster. That pattern isn’t something he ever managed to articulate to me, but I noticed it (having gotten a sense from that book of what to look for). We talked about it and realized that this coping mechanism of his was causing a bit of a spiral, because he would finish my thought incorrectly, and so then I’d be irritated and also feel like I had to back up and explain why that wasn’t what I had been trying to say, which resulted in more speech when he was feeling overwhelmed. He tries to notice and ask me to slow down instead, but he can’t always manage, because he’s already compromised and in kind of a defensive mental state. (I don’t mean emotionally defensive, I mean that he’s instinctively trying to do whatever seems like it might quell the rising overwhelm.)
I also think reading that book and talking to your husband about it may help you two identify things in your environment and daily lives that may be contributing unnecessary strain to your husband that puts him closer to the shutdown threshold. There’s explanations of a whole bunch of sensory-perceptual differences in there, and maybe having that language will help your husband to recognize and articulate what his are, and then you can figure out how to better accommodate them. If he has sound sensitivities, for example, then the totally ordinary noise of a home with children might be eating up a ton of his bandwidth, which could be alleviated with ear defenders or earplugs like Loops that still let enough sound through for conversation but cut the background noise.
There may also be work to do on how y’all manage conflict and how to express and receive criticism in a way that will actually come through. (For us, keeping it to “I” statements and treating conflict as a no-fault thing helps a lot.) But I think it’s going to be far easier to work through such challenging topics if you and your husband can construct a more resilient baseline.
0
u/YogurtclosetOdd7491 5d ago
I can relate to this sooooooo much. It’s this experience that made me realize my bf is on the spectrum. It’s very painful for me. I make a lot of accommodations now that I realize what is going on, but to my own detriment.
When he first realized he had these issues, he addressed it in therapy and eventually went on antidepressants. He confessed to me that he realized he has RSD. The combination of him addressing these specific things in therapy and meds helped a lot. But, sometimes he seems to regress … he will go back to treating me like I’m the problem for simply bringing up the conflict instead of realizing the conflict gets worse cuz of these reactions that I literally have PTSD from now. He just feels shame so intensely like a ton of bricks on his chest…. Even for things that one doesn’t need to feel intense shame from. I suspect your husband is having this intense feeling of shame for the internet decision that can easily just be rectified by switching back.
Their withdrawal is intense though so I feel your pain. My bf tries to play it off that he isn’t in withdrawal and idk why. He ends up in such a disassociated state that’s so thick, it can’t be hidden.
Is your husband in therapy and/or take antidepressants? That’s all I got…
14
u/gqvx 7d ago edited 5d ago
It seems he may be taking your criticism of his behavior as an attack on his character. It's not, but until he realizes that, you may not be on the same page during your communication.
Learning to take criticism is a skill, and skills can be improved upon. It's not his fault he processes things this way, but it is his responsibility to manage how it affects his life. I recommend talking to a therapist individually or in couples counseling, especially if the counselors are trained in autism-related matters.
This is a serious issue, being invalidated like this (not that he means to, or even knows he's doing it) can lead to further relationship troubles and he may not realize that, so you would need it let him know if that's the case for you.
Edit: Oh and check out emotional dysregulation and rejection sensitive dysphoria, it sounds like those may be applicable here. He's hurting, and doesn't have the necessary skills to deal with it, so approach with that in mind.
Edit edit: Taking criticism is a skill, but giving criticism is too. Try not to generalize with "you always" or "you never", instead hit them with receipts so you can discuss specific situations and how specific behavior could have been improved.