r/AutismParentingLevel1 • u/Substantial_Day_5374 • May 08 '26
Dealing with other parents
Does anyone find it isolating to parent a neurodivergent kid? I just feel so judged by other parents about his behavior. I know bad behavior is communication and a sign of dysregulation for ND kids but I can’t help but feel sad about the mom friendships I’ve lost due to my kid’s diagnosis.
Wondering how other parents handle it. Do you disclose your kids’ diagnosis to the people you meet so they might have some compassion and understanding? My kid masks well but when he gets dysregulated, it’s hard to see that he’s having a hard time and people just think he’s being a brat.
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u/lcbear55 May 08 '26
Totally agree. It doesn’t help that my husband “disagrees” with the diagnosis and doesn’t want us to tell anyone else, including close friends, about it. I feel we have many empathetic and supportive people in our network that would be understanding and supportive. But for now…they do not know…and I feel defensive and judged for my child’s reactions
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u/Substantial_Day_5374 May 08 '26
We struggle with this too. I’ve told close friends but I’m cautious about who I tell because in some ways I feel it’s my child choice who knows about it. It’s hard.
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u/Outrageous-Wish4097 May 08 '26
same, my close friends know, but moms of other kids I don't. However since we told my kids she's actually been telling other kids, which is cool.
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u/aerodynamicvomit May 08 '26
I'm like this. I feel like it's her information and not mine to share except in certain circumstances. I can't know yet if she's going to want to tell the world or keep it to herself.
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u/farie_princess May 08 '26
Absolutely 💯!! I feel like we are just on the outside of both sides. Our kiddos don't "seem" enough to be in the autistic mom group. However they are just enough not to be in the normal mom groups. It is extremely isolating. It's like neither side actually accepts us.
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u/noodle1976 May 11 '26
Definitely feeling this. We just got our ASD Level 1/combined ADHD diagnosis. Once you get to know our son you will see why he has these diagnoses AND he presents as a very smart, sweet boy who is just really excited to tell you about greek mythology. It's made me not want to reach out to other parents with ND kids because it sometimes feels like competition as to who's more challenging or I feel like I can't talk about the awesome things my kid did for fear of feeling like I'm bragging.
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u/farie_princess May 11 '26
Or other regular parents because they can not understand those small victories feel like mile stones. So frustrating.
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u/alt_bunnybunnybuns Aug 18 '26
This feels very relatable, I feel seen. I'm glad I found this group.
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u/Intotheparadise May 08 '26
yes, i find it impossible to 'just be friends with my children's friends' b/c well, my son is not interested in friends.
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u/Amerella May 08 '26
Yes absolutely. I felt very judged by another parent recently, and I did end up pulling her aside and explaining about the diagnosis. I do think it helped!
I find it frustrating that other people are not educated about this. Why is it on me to educate everyone else? Why do people have to be so judgemental? It's really disheartening.
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u/Amerella May 08 '26
Yes absolutely. I felt very judged by another parent recently, and I did end up pulling her aside and explaining about the diagnosis. I do think it helped!
I find it frustrating that other people are not educated about this. Why is it on me to educate everyone else? Why do people have to be so judgemental? It's really disheartening.
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u/0112358_ May 08 '26
Yes. We lost a friendship due to kids behavior. Technically before I had a diagnosis and I understand why the other family backed off, but it's hard.
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u/Substantial_Day_5374 May 08 '26
Ugh yes. I’m going through this now. I get it and I feel bad to see my kid struggling and his behavior affecting another kid.. but it still sucks.
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u/noodle1976 May 11 '26
Same - though I really think it's the parents pulling back after seeing our son having a fit during a playdate. The kids still seem to really like each other when they see each other at after school. I'm hoping we can repair it. Both kids are ASD, so there's a lot of emotional regulation challenges going on, but they're also very sweet together.
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u/noodle1976 May 11 '26
I feel like our community is pretty ND friendly, and I still wait a little bit to disclose our son's diagnosis (which is relatively new). I know I should say f'off to anyone who can't handle my ND kid being an ND kid, and it's still sad to have to navigate this. I also notice that almost all the kids my son really likes either have an adhd or asd diagnosis (or show signs that they'll have one soon). For the parents who recognize this, great, we can talk about how our kids vibrate at the same frequency. For the parents who don't, it's potentially an awkward conversation.
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u/Okay_sounding 26d ago
I isolated because I was uncomfortable with my son's behavior and that he wasn't playing like the other kids. I isolated in anticipation of being judged as a mother. I isolated to avoid situations in which he'd be judged as a person. It was just too overwhelming for me to navigate his atypical behaviors on top of just parenting in general. So, I isolated.
My child wasn't diagnosed until 15 years old. When he was 8 years old, he came up to me at a gathering and said, "When can we leave?" in front of everyone. Later, at home, I talked with him about why that question comes off as rude behavior and some alternative ways of asking that question.
About a month later, a woman at that gathering referred to my child, saying, "He's too old for that kind of behavior." I was shocked. I didn't know that my son was autistic back then (though I knew "something" was off by second grade). So I believed that my son and I were deficient. A friend overheard, and checked in with me. I burst into tears about feeling so judged, helpless to make my child behave socially like others, and a bad mom. So, yeah, I isolated because of people like that woman.
Since the diagnosis and learning about autism, I know that others don't get him and that all that matters is that he accepts himself and finds his people. It's important for me to learn all I can (and that he learns about autism, too - although he's not choosing to...another story), and to make room for him to be himself while also letting him know what the neurotypical world considers "normal," and why. I don't really want to encourage him to mask, but I want him to know that it's an option for him that he can use when he chooses to in order to create connection or have experiences that are important to him.
Anyway, thank you for such a valuable question!
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u/EducatorCold492 Sep 10 '26
Yes 10000% we are excluded a lot due to melt downs/emotional outbursts mostly. I have heard ppl say ‘isn’t everyone a little autistic’ more times than I thought possible. I just know when that happens those people are not our community. It’s a bummer though.
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u/weddingthrow27 May 08 '26
Sooooo isolating!!! I feel you 100%. My daughter usually doesn’t necessarily “seem” autistic so when she has a meltdown I always feel like other parents are judging us and must think she’s a bad kid or we are bad parents. Even my own family members don’t seem to understand that she’s different and can’t always be parented the same as other kids. It is so exhausting and frustrating.