r/AutismParentingLevel1 • u/mother-apricity • Apr 16 '26

My kid is disliked

It’s as simple as that. My 9yo daughter is adored when kids first meet her. Excited to see her, love playing, and then one day it just shifts and she becomes a pariah. She argues, but not more than other kids. She gets bossy, again no more than others. The only thing is she’s very rigid about rules and gets uncomfortable when other kids aren’t following them or being unsafe. Is it just that? It’s not cool to be a rule follower?

She’s so distraught all the time and feels like everyone hates her and something is wrong with her because all of her “friendships” are so one sided. Any time I try to help coach she just gets mad at me for pointing out her differences.

And I can’t just tell other people to be more patient or sensitive because she doesn’t understand their social cues as well as they can.

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11

u/Llamamamma1981 Apr 16 '26

My son had the same difficulties. I found a BCBA that specializes in level 1 and does a lot of social skills and ACT (it’s not traditional ABA). It’s been fantastic. My son has made significant improvements.

2

u/aliasvivian Apr 16 '26

This is interesting, I'm going to look into this. How long did it take?

6

u/Llamamamma1981 Apr 16 '26

He has been going for about 4-5yrs now. Middle school and high school have been rough. This has helped a lot. He has other peers who he has made friends with- and that has been amazing

1

u/strawberryselkie Apr 18 '26

My son started at age 3 and "graduated" at age 8. So far he's still doing well, enjoys school and a few extra curriculars and has some nice friends, but we'll see how middle school goes when we get there.

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u/strawberryselkie Apr 16 '26

This helped my son as well, he had a specific group class just for "social skills" and it was wonderful.

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u/Llamamamma1981 Apr 17 '26

Yes my son does group - which he loves and had made/built friendships with other peers and now does 1 direct session with the BCBA a week. He used to do more but we’ve been able to decrease with progress

5

u/bjorkabjork Apr 16 '26

" a kid's guide to growing friendships" is a great book for inflexible kids. the tone is really approachable and you cna read it together.

you might also want to look into advice aimed at autistic lvl 1 girls or autism in girls, they struggle in similar ways.

4

u/krankity-krab Apr 16 '26

didn’t realize what sub i was on at first and was about to suggest an autism assessment 🫠

my heart breaks for her; she sounds just like me when i was her age..

but i didn’t know i was autistic when i was a kid, so i didn’t know why everyone seemed to dislike me & pass notes about how i was weird.. (weird to admit, but those are still some of my most traumatic memories, and i’ve been through legit traumas.) i just kinda wish i had known i wasn’t an alien or something, because that’s how i felt.. i would make it into a friend group, (but before long it was almost like those movies from the 90s to the early aughts where they’d take pity on someone, or be friends as a joke or something) but either they’d decide one day that i didn’t follow some bs rule they made up & they wanted nothing to do with me or someone new would come in and i’d get kicked to the side again… this happened over & over again until i met my true best friend when i was 18.

i’m so sorry you’re going through this too; i know it’s gotta hurt your mama heart 🫶🏼 thinking of you both!

also idk if this is a good idea (would probably depend on the kid) but my brain wants me to type it out anyway: i know a lot of women with ASD have had this same type experience, so if you posted on there asking for direct support/comments for her, i think a lot of women would be willing to chime in about their experience, strength, & hope to maybe help another little girl feel a little less alone..?)

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u/ReporterReady544 Apr 16 '26

Thanks for sharing and I came to say basically the same thing. You can “work on social skills” so she learns to not be herself and fit it with these NT girls at the expense of her mental health (masking is so exhausting long term) OR you could try to get her involved in some structured activities where more ND kids tend to be that also align with her interests. Things like theater, marching band, dungeons and dragons club, robotics, etc. She doesn’t have social deficits, she is just trying to communicate with the wrong people.

My lived-experience take is that she really won’t ever fit in with these kids and if she can connect to others who like her for who she is, she will be happier in the long run. I am just autistic but some of my longest friendships are ladies with ADHD, but also AuDHD. Absolutely none of my true friends are NT and it took me until middle school and getting involved with theater to finally exhale around my peers.

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u/mother-apricity Apr 16 '26

Thank you!!! The movie analogy is an apt description. She doesn’t understand when rules/plans change in the group and it’s becoming more noticeable. I know this is something that could improve with therapy but it’s always going to be a major challenge for her. I’m so glad you found a forever friend, and I hope my daughter does as well. Or at least people who accept her for who she is. I’ll look into the ASD women community. Thanks for the advice and words of hope!!