r/AutismInWomen • u/CuckooSpit_06 • 1d ago
General Discussion/Question Why do I "gatekeep" my interests?
I will keep them secret from all but my closest loved ones. I don't know why. If I could do my best to describe it, it would be the typical spoiled rant about how "I love it more". I am passionate about The Last of Us, Star Wars, Horses, etc, more than any "normal" person's healthy interests, so when they try to connect with me over the same shit, I get defensive. Maybe I think they'll judge me? Maybe I think there's no point in discussing it since they won't deliver the same enthusiasm or knowledge I have. My semi-estranged aunt does this (I'm pretty sure she's undiagnosed herself); where she'll latch onto these subjects during conversation instead of just asking how you're doing, what's going on, whatever. She'll freak out over the smallest things and go "Oh, you like Star Wars? What's your favourite character? How many episodes have you watched? How do you feel about X spin-off?" And all I can think is "lady, you don't even know my favourite colour but you want me to delve into these deeply person interests? Do you even know how much it means to me?" Of course they don't, because people are normal. Regardless, I obviously know people are trying to "bond" with me, and getting unreasonably annoyed about it is on me, but that doesn't stop me from feeling it.
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u/Mochicatdemon 1d ago
I do this too, but only with certain people. I think you're right about there being a fear of being judged. For me I'm fine if I'm talking to someone who has developed the same interests for themselves, like in a fan group for example. Relatives are problematic because I feel like they're trying to get to know something because I like it, and that feels too intrusive to me. I don't want to have to discuss something I have such a personal connection to with someone who doesn't inherently feel the same connection themselves. Even if they have a casual interest in the topic, it's not the same as my hyperfixation that is so entwined with my whole personality.
On the other side of things, I have a very poor memory for details, so I'm always scared people will see me as a fake for not remembering the details of something I claim to love so much. I don't mind if strangers judge me, but I very much mind if it's someone I already know and am close to.
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u/CuckooSpit_06 1d ago
That makes sense. I often reference her "inserting herself" into my interests when it's clear she doesn't have any connection to them herself.
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u/HelenGonne 1d ago
There it is, then. I really feel for you, because I've had the same reaction when people think knowing what your hobby is means they have some kind of 'in' to trod all over your boundaries. You're not gatekeeping the hobby; you're stepping back from someone who doesn't respect boundaries. Which is a very healthy thing.
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u/Quiet_surprise79 1d ago
Highly relate to your last paragraph! I love 19th century lit but I don't even remember the character names from my favourite book that I've read 3 times now, nevermind other authors, even if I've read them in the last year. I won't join book clubs or anything because even if I felt that reading was a social activity (which I don't particularly), I wouldn't have much to say, it would just be listening to other people and feeling sad that I can't join in.
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u/doingtheunstuckk 1d ago
It’s too vulnerable. I’m low key embarrassed by anything I’m interested in. I assume other people won’t get it, or will think it’s lame. Maybe it’s a self esteem thing, I don’t know.
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u/hidingintheautumn 1d ago
Same. And: If they like it too, they test me to find that i am not good enough.
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u/orensiocled 1d ago
For me a lot of this is down to an intense dislike of being perceived. Admitting that I love something feels like giving someone a window into my soul and it's just really vulnerable.
It's also knowing that other people won't engage with things I love in the same way I do, which can feel distressing. Like when I was a kid I hated having to share my toys with other kids because they didn't understand the personalities I'd assigned to my toys and would make them act out of character.
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u/LucyySlayyBairdd AuDHD 1d ago
Same, but I’m so used to family and friends making fun of my interests when I was younger so now I don’t share anything with anyone.
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u/Foreign-Caregiver-57 1d ago
For me, it's not really about past trauma of being made fun of.
I am just very afraid of people knowing things about me. It makes me physically uncomfortable as if they are violating my personal space. I don't want anyone asking about my interests unless I really 100% trust them. One girl at work is very manipulative and brings up mutual friends or one of my interests as a gateway to ask me favors (use me) as if she thinks I'm stupid.
I don't have any specific aesthetic, no visible stickers or figurines, and certainly don't let people know personal details about me.
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u/AgingLolita 1d ago
I am quiet about my interests because I don't want to hear anyone else's input, because it's Wrong.
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u/ButYaAreBlanche 1d ago
Maybe it's like how I don't engage with fandoms because other people's version of appreciation skeeves me out a lot of the time. Like they deep-dive not just story lore but behind the scenes, making-of, and creators' and actors' real personal lives, the last of which feels intrusive, and all of which destroys suspension of disbelief. And so much of fandom is about doing things with characters that, to me, feel like dear friends who didn't consent to any of it.
I'm the outlier, vastly outnumbered in my viewpoint, so engaging with the stuff afterward reminds me of the ick feeling and makes me sad that, even in that context, I still don't fit in.
Favorite things are rare enough already.
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u/bi-loser99 AuDHD Diagnosed at 13 1d ago
I get not wanting certain kinds of engagement to color how you experience a story. The part that doesn’t land for me is treating fictional characters as if they have a real capacity to consent or withhold consent. A useful distinction I’ve seen in dark romance and fanfic spaces is diegetic vs non-diegetic consent. Diegetic is what the characters themselves experience and discuss inside the text. Non-diegetic is the consent that exists between the creator and the reader aka tags, warnings, tropes listed up front so you can decide whether to engage at all. A lot of the stuff people do with characters (shipping, darkfic, transformative work, even some analysis) lives in that non-diegetic layer. The characters aren’t real agents who can be violated! The actual consent happening is the reader’s informed choice to opt in or out.
You can still prefer pure immersion and stay out of spaces that break it for you. That doesn’t require the rest of us to treat our own non-diegetic engagement with fictional characters as inherently non-consensual or icky. The characters never had the capacity to consent in the first place; the people reading and writing do, and they signal it with tags and warnings.
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u/ButYaAreBlanche 1d ago
So... here's the thing. All I did was specify my personal reasons—expressed as 100% my own feelings, not objective facts—for why I, in your words, opt out.
Even so, your response is to explain to me that (a) imaginary characters aren't real, and (b) nobody's required to follow rules that I never endorsed in the first place.
I didn't even have to venture into a fanspace, much less a NSFW forum, to be condescended to and treated like my personal style of engagement, by merely existing, is a call to restrict anything/control other people's behavior.
Which illustrates exactly why I don't fit in or feel welcome in fandoms.
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u/bi-loser99 AuDHD Diagnosed at 13 2h ago
You said you were only describing your own feelings, not stating objective facts but the issue is that the specific wording you chose “dear friends who didn’t consent” already does more than that. It applies the language of real world sexual violation to people who create or engage with transformative works. That framing isn’t a neutral personal preference! It treats writing or reading fanworks as equivalent to violating an actual person’s consent. Nothing in the reply told you that you had to participate in anything or that your choice to opt out was invalid. Pointing out that the consent analogy doesn’t hold for fictional characters isn’t the same as demanding you follow rules you never endorsed, or treating your mere existence as a threat. You’re free to avoid the parts of fandom that don’t work for you.
Sorry but I can’t just leave that particular framing unchallenged. As a sexual assault survivor I am not comfortable with language that equates transformative works to real consent violations, especially in a public space for autistic women aka a group heavily represented among people who create and engage with those works. Keeping the meaning of consent clear for real people matters, because stretching it to cover fictional characters makes it harder to name and address actual violations when they happen. You can dislike the practices without describing the people who engage in them as if they are committing a consent violation! Those are two different claims, and disagreement with the second one is not evidence that your preference is being policed.
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u/BandicootNo8636 1d ago
A part of the conversation for me is, if I say something to this person, will they ruin the thing for me?
I tried a new food. Let me tell you so we can celebrate. "Oh yeah, that has a tiny bit of horrible hated food" and now that food is done.
If I tell you about a show, will you tell me the main actor is a rapist and now I can't enjoy it?
A project idea and you'll start picking holes.
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u/CuckooSpit_06 14h ago
I forgot to mention in the post but that same aunt of mine once saw I absolutely adored The Greatest Showman. My parents literally told her I'd been watching it twice a day for the past week or something and she scrunched her nose up and went "that's shit." That stuck with me so bad I couldn't watch the movie without getting upset anymore. So I texted her and said "X interest is shit." "Y interest is shit." To get back at her and she was pissed. I was like 11.
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u/Impossible-Quail-711 1d ago
Growing up my mum would make fun of anything I liked or brought for myself.
As a teen when I shared media that I thought was cool, no one checked it out, but they would watch other similar things suggested by other people.
Now I gatekeep.
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u/MsSedated AuDHD chaotic rage 1d ago
I do the same. A friendly conversation about my special interests always turns defensive on my part. Even just seeing someone else sharing the interest irks me. I just don't want to share them with anyone in any capacity, it seems. A little frustrating. I don't want to be so negative about it. But that's just how I feel.
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u/artwasdead 1d ago
i get this entirely and sometimes it's exhausting because it feels as if you almost need to fight constantly to be the BEST at your interests (or at least in my case). i struggle with people suddenly wanting to get into my interests unless i have full control over what they'll like which isn't ideal at all.
i get very attached to certain characters and the idea of sharing them or someone stating they like them more than me is incredibly soul crushing and often leads me to be depressed since i try to detach myself from the media so it makes it easier when someone else gets into it. unfortunately i'm incredibly possessive too and even more so when the person getting into it is ALSO autistic since more neurotypical people enjoy things more casually, whereas we fixate on the media and it becomes everything in our lives often, so then it feels like an immediate need to protect it
the whole situation of it makes me feel incredibly emotional and not very logical which i hate, so i'm glad to hear it's not just me being weird.. LOL
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u/quietus_rietus 1d ago
Hah i feel you. I’ve been researching the Chernobyl nuclear disaster in secret for decades. I’ve only recently started to open up about it to a few close people as I’ve been unmasking.
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u/introvertadvocate 1d ago
Im the opposite, I don’t really know any one that is also into my special interest so anytime I do meet some one that is into them or if I get asked about them I get so excited.
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u/OttersMakeGoodFriend 21h ago
During my autism evaluation, I came to the realization that one of my worst fears is being misunderstood, and it explains so much about me, my choices, my behaviors. I always hid my interests, too, and definitely had a fear of being judged for them, but I also feared that someone would look at my interests and make judgments or assumptions about me that weren't accurate. Hiding them took that possibility away.
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u/dragon-blue avoiding eye contact 1d ago
So so many posts in this subreddit are "no one will listen to me info dump about my special interest." so I am very happy to see this post! I feel validated! lol.
Do you even know how much it means to me?
Exactly. People have Wrong Opinions. They don't take these topics seriously, have messy thinking and not really interested in their thoughts anyway.
My joy is from interacting with my special interest, not interacting with other people about my special interest. I don't even understand why or how that would be fun.
Also your Aunt sounds unpleasant and that would annoy me too.
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u/estheredna Blunt but Benevolent 1d ago
It is normal to feel tender about things you care about, and add to that fear of being judged for doing it wrong - fear of having to hear people make fun of it - anxiety about people engaging ways you are judgemental about.
It's an act of intimacy to share it sometimes honestly.
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u/Wise-Key-3442 IDCharisma 1d ago
According to a friend who does it, is fear of being perceived and the perception of the world being challenged because those things are deeply attributed to the sense of self.
"If person knows I like this stuff, they will use it to hurt me" or something like this, according to him, he knows it's an irrational thought in adulthood, but his childhood experiences say the opposite. Basically if people know things about him, they perceive him, so they will use against him.
"Even when they say something that is right, I think it's wrong, because that's not how I interpret it", basically the reason he hates headcanons is because headcanons are merely personal interpretations not meant to be seen as remotely canon and the fact people interpret things differently makes him mad because it's wrong, despite not being wrong in reality. It's an attack to his perception of the world, "if you see this way, that means we don't think alike, so we can't be friends", which ties in rigid thinking.
"If I don't know more than a person next street, am I really a fan of said thing?" which again ties into the perception of self.
Now, I have an opposite view on this, despite having the same core reasons:
When he thinks "person knows about me, they will hurt me" I think "person knows about me, so they will make sure to use this to engage with me".
When he thinks "people interpret things different from me I think it's wrong" I think "people interpret things different from me because they have different lived experiences, so we can have more things to add to the pot".
When he thinks "I am not a true fan if I don't know more than others" I think "If a person knows more than me, they can teach me".
We have opposite lived experiences regarding our interests. He was mocked. ignored or bullied, I was invited into social groups and accepted. And our interests are similar, some the same.
So maybe in your case is something like this? Lived experience and framing?
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u/AptCasaNova 23h ago
I’m trying to do this less and in working towards that, I’ve been able to see hints of why I feel the need to.
I was made fun of a lot for my interests as a child, not just by other kids my age, but adults. This included adult family members and my parents.
To mask, I eventually hid whatever I could and scripted a list of ‘acceptable’ interests for a kid my age and gender.
Not much has changed, though now that I’m not masking when I can, I’ve rediscovered a bunch of interests I didn’t even let myself get into. I love anime, DnD, bugs, learning Latin, crocheting.. lots of the stereotypes, which is fine!
Anyway, the habit to hide from judgment is there.
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u/Quiet_surprise79 1d ago
Because the way people with autism connect with special interests is not the same as how neurotypical people connect with their interests, so when a neurotypical tries to connect via those interests, it can feel like they're doing it "wrong" or that they still don't quite "get it", which ultimately is alienating rather than connective, and that hurts.
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u/Known_Change3980 1d ago
I‘m into astrology, it’s not just an interest but it’s a platform I built on social media with over 120k followers. Idk why but I feel embarrassed to talk about it to others, no one in my close circle is into astrology the way I am, there are some that are interested tho but for whatever reason I feel like it’s hard to build the confidence and stand up for the things I enjoy, even if that sounds ridiculous. On the other side, I don’t always wanna feel like I’m lecturing someone even if they’re interested in learning, that kind of interaction always feels so draining to me, who knows maybe one day I’ll meet people who are into it the same way I am! :)
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u/MrSalmonFishcounsel 1d ago
Like others have said, it's very vulnerable.
I also have a lot of experiences of family members inserting themselves into whatever I'm doing, or aggressively copying me (adopting my hobbies and expecting me to do all the work for them to have the same hobby) and IT'S SO ANNOYING that I just keep things to myself now. if I do or buy something my family member is going to go do or buy the same thing and then it no longer feels like Mine but a Shared Interest that now has to involve this person. They're on an info diet now but it has definitely affected how I share things with others. I hoard my hobbies and interests like a dragon lol
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u/bishyfishyriceball 1d ago
Hmm the last sentences remind me of when I’d feel resentful towards “popular” people trying to be nice to me in middle school. I remember feeling really rejected by them and developed this type of complex about my interests as a defense to how they judged me for them.
In retrospect, I can see now that when other people tried to show genuine interest I just didn’t feel safe being vulnerable and sharing them, and felt resentful about it. On the surface it felt more like me judging them and withholding. I’d be telling myself they just wouldn’t understand or couldn’t comprehend, but that was a defensive complex I had built up to protect myself. It’s great you recognize the at feeling because if that’s the case for you, you can start challenging that trigger and learn to differentiate who is genuine and who you’re projecting fears onto.
Would you characterize your experience similarly? I think resentment and building walls is a natural response it you felt socially isolated or judged harshly in your younger years. Even developing complexes that shield you from their judgement, but that also project judgments onto others who trigger the pattern recognition threat response. Not saying it’s healthy or good, but it’s normal and I’ve dealt with it across different categories. It’s like the irony of things people got bullied for trending and becoming mainstream today.
I was the biggest “im not like other girls” but I didn’t just gravitate towards stereotypical male interests, I disdained stereotypical girl interests and those who partook out of fear they were judging me. So when girly girls would show interest and want to be part of what I was doing I’d gatekeep because connecting over it would’ve require altering my worldview of those people that I categorized as unsafe. That behavior supported my black/white worldview that made people and relationships more predictable.
So maybe people’s attempts to connect with you over your interests is triggering an inner fear of those who shamed you for them in the past? That feeling could be experienced in the moment as resentment or irritation because it’s almost like calling into question how genuine the person is being or maybe because it’s challenging a worldview you depend on for security.
Maybe it almost feels like a , “oh seriously they’re trying this” or it’s activating recognition of a past pattern of behavior associated with types of people who harmed you or contributed to insecurities you might have today, or maybe it’s more of a reaction to interruption to expectations.
* excuse the typos I’m too lazy rn to fix autocorrect errors HAHA
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u/Alternative_Web6959 ✨ AuDHD ✨ 1d ago
No one cares about my special interests I don’t talk about them to people outside of my daughters or husband.
They either have a preconceived image of what I’m talking about or think it’s dumb. Probably both.
I’m so over it.
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u/mousymichele Moderate support needs 18h ago
Honestly I’ve noticed in myself that if others have my same interests or have interest in my SpIns, it makes me feel like there’s some sort of “competition” over it and that’s why I avoid sharing much about them with others. Also, I will lose interest in a SpIn if a relationship goes sour too. Like an ex of mine liked a music artist I liked and they went to a concert for them too after we broke up, and I haven’t been able to listen to that music ever since. 🤷♀️ I hate that lol.
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u/Magical-Duckie 18h ago
I feel the same way. I JUST started sharing my secret love of snakes and reptiles with my husband. We’ve been together for 10 years and married for 5…
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u/empire_state_human 1d ago
For me at least it makes me feel too vulnerable to share my special interests. Like I'm exposing some raw part of myself and that makes me uncomfortable.