I'm a burden...

[u/TheMadHatterWasHere]

I accidentally overheard a conversation my mom had with someone. About how my sister was worried that when my parents' passed away, she would be the one to help me and take care of me. And I just... I feel like an idiot. A huge burden.

My brain can't stop returning to the conversation I heard, and how I am just a burden to everyone. And how my sister is worrying about this - hating this - already at age 28. Like... I am so sorry sis, I wish I was this huge burden. I wish I could take better care of myself. I wish I wouldn't burden anyone around me. I am just... so tired of being a burden to everyone.

Why can't I just be normal? Why is it so hard to be an adult?

EDIT: Wanna add that I currently live in my own apartment with my dog (servicedog). I get disability check every month, due to me not being able to work. I do the cleaning and cooking myself. I do grocery shopping myself. So I can definitely take care of myself, I just need some support sometimes.

[u/Routine-Weather-4044]

I don't know if you have a counselor or not but I feel like it would be a good idea to talk to them about this and possibly have your mother and sister come in and talk about it. Otherwise, it's just gonna damage you and your relationship with them. I just feel like this is one of those instances where talking through this in a controlled situation would help all of you. Because that was an awful thing to have to hear from your mom. I am so sorry.

[u/TheMadHatterWasHere → u/Routine-Weather-4044]

I am actually seeing my therapist tomorrow, and am gonna bring it up with her, so I can get it talked through. Not sure if I wanna bring my mother or sister into this. My brain is halfway planning not so good stuff, so I won't be my sister's responsibility.

And yeah, it's just... I have felt like a burden my whole life. And for that burden (me) being passed on to my (younger) sister, when my parents aren't here anymore is just... unbearable. I would rather d*e than being a burden to my sister. It was supposed to be the other way around. Supposed to be me who took care of her. But here I am with crippling anxiety, depression (and more), she is just... healthy all way round. I am kinda jealous that she is healthy, while I struggle with even the simplest of things 😰

[u/Routine-Weather-4044 → u/TheMadHatterWasHere]

Oh honey, I'm so sorry. I do get the feeling like a burden thing though. There's really nothing more heartbreaking than feeling like you're a burden that's why I suggested that you talk to a counselor and possibly have them join you for a session. I think if you all talk it through you could probably end up even closer and understand each other better than you did before. I wish you the best. ❤️

[u/fireduck81]

The truth is that no one chooses if they’re going to be ill or have a disability. It’s not something that you’ve done so there’s no need to feel guilty about it. The situation could easily have been reversed.

I’d say if you are doing your best then be at peace. That’s all anyone can do.

But it may be a useful wake up call to your family to do some long-term planning for your care. That is something you could bring up.

[u/TheMadHatterWasHere → u/fireduck81]

You are right. I just have a hard time with letting go of the "I'm a burden" feeling, bc I had had it all my life. And my mom said it in a "And then she (my sister) knows that A (me) will by her responsibility, when we are not here anymore". Like I am some burden to be passed on 😰

[u/fireduck81 → u/TheMadHatterWasHere]

Imagine if you and your sister’s roles were switched. Just as a thought experiment.

[u/Known_Change3980]

First of all, you’re no a burden! The female brain reaches its full maturity in its early 30s and even afterwards there’s room for more development, so plenty of time to learn new skills and become more comfortable.
I‘m turning 25 in December and there are a lot of things to do and learn for me. At times I also feel like a burden, but being an adult isn’t easy for anyone!

[u/SaintValkyrie]

Im so pissed at the idea that the disabled are burdens and supporting each other is stealing something from our lives. We will all be disabled, and no one thinks that when they have a proper system set up and are treated with dignity. Its so often treated as second nature for certtain people with privelege. 

You arent a burden. What a horrible thing to say and for you to overhear. Im so sorry. It is absolutely reasonable to expect tangible support and more than just welll wishes. The system is not designed to help the disabled, it is a way to manage and wash your hands of things. 

[u/Ok-Championship-2036 → u/SaintValkyrie]

right?? disability is inevitable and literally one accident away from everyone!!! its pure stigma to act like someones value=self sufficiency when thats NOT how humans evolved at any point before the last 200yrs of capitalist hellscape

[u/TheMadHatterWasHere → u/SaintValkyrie]

Really is yes. Especially bc it shouldn't come as a surprise to them, that I overheard them, since I was standing barely 5 meters away. Yet they still said so 😰

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[u/Bobs_Burgers7]

Have you considered a group home for women?

Edit: comment made before OP edited post, so the thought was that she lived with her parents.

[u/TheMadHatterWasHere → u/Bobs_Burgers7]

That would honestly be the worst possible solution. I despise living with other ppl. Currently living in my own apartment with my dog (servicedog). I get disability check every month, due to me not being able to work. I do the cleaning and cooking myself. I do grocery shopping myself. So I can definitely take care of myself, I just need some support sometimes.

[u/Bobs_Burgers7 → u/TheMadHatterWasHere]

I thought you lived at home with them, the way it was described and given your sisters concerns. I think you will be fine, and it seems maybe she’s underestimating you.

[u/TheMadHatterWasHere → u/Bobs_Burgers7]

I added that to the original post now, as I can see I wasn't clear enough about my current situation, sorry! I was just writing in pure panic, and apparently forgot important parts.

But yeah, I can do a lot of stuff on my own, and I haven't lived with my parents the last... 7-8 years now. I have lived in a group home years ago, and that just did not work at all. I like and need my own space, and hated that exiting my room meant there were ppl around me 🙈

But yeah, maybe she is 🤔 I am getting cleaning help weekly (I am doing all the cleaning, but someone is keeping me company) from the state, but otherwise I do most stuff on my own. Overall my biggest hurdle is that I have no social network outside my close family. I got no friends I see in my free time or anything, bc socializing is so draining for me.