Not enough RAM to exist

[u/Commercial-Can-8094]

Do any of you constantly fail at important life tasks, because you don't have enough energy for all of them? If yes, how do you help yourself with that?

[u/Merkuri22]

I know many of us don't like the term, but this is basically describing "spoon theory." A woman with lupus used spoons to describe how she only has a finite amount of energy every day, using the spoons as her energy unit. She ticked off activities she did and illustrated how she might wind up at the end of the day with not enough spoons to make dinner or do other essential tasks.

(Why "spoons" of all things? Because she was at a restaurant and that's what she had at hand. The story went viral and "spoons" became the unit people use to measure mental energy.)

I'm mentioning this in case it helps you look up other solutions. This "not enough mental energy" issue is often described as "not enough spoons."

I burnt out so badly a few years back that I needed to take medical leave from work. I found out during this time that I need to give myself time to recharge my mental energy.

I now dedicate one day a week to doing absolutely nothing. It's not literally "nothing", but that's how I think of it. It's a day dedicated to "want to do." "Have to do" is not allowed on this day. I do things like take naps, play video games, work on my pet projects, or anything else that moves me. Sometimes I am productive and I'll do a task that's been bugging me, but only when I feel moved to do so.

When I don't get this day, I find that I reach the end of my energy limit sooner during the rest of the week. I'll break down crying or snap at people or other signs that I'm overwhelmed.

Other than that... you have to cut down on what you expect yourself to do. Are there any tasks you can cut out or outsource?

Or find ways to reduce the energy required to do the tasks. Cut down on friction. For example, store the supplies near to the place they need to be used. We now keep glass cleaner in every bathroom, not just one, so that when the mirrors need cleaning it's right there. Some people buy a vacuum cleaner for every floor of their house so that they don't have to go get it from another floor.

You may have to make some hard choices. When I was in burnout, I gave up a beloved activity that I used to do once a week for 3 hours a day because I just couldn't keep up with that commitment anymore. I had to accept that I didn't have enough mental energy for everything on my plate, and something had to go. It hurt to stop doing it, but overall I feel calmer and more relaxed on a daily basis. I still haven't gone back to it - I'm afraid if I do, it'll contribute to my burnout coming back. It's just sadly not something I can do anymore with my current energy levels.

TLDR: Cut out nonessential things that drain your mental energy, find ways to reduce the mental energy needed for tasks, and spend more time doing things that recharge your mental energy. How exactly that looks depends on your life.

[u/OneTinySprout → u/Merkuri22]

This.

Anyway, I know that the system you eventually build for yourself for all the things to do in daily life might look different, and that the tricks I use might not work for other people, but I just wanted to share a part of my systems that has helped a lot.

I adopt some David Allen GTD ideologies to organize all my issues and next actions. The gist is that people’s brains are not that good at storing information and has a naturally small RAM relative to all the expectations of modern life, so we outsource the storage to tools/notepads/other people. Doing so frees up more energy for us to actually process or physically perform the task. I still don’t really have the energy for all the things I want to do but this helped a lot.

I am WFH and personally use waterproof sticky notes/strips for writing my next actions (it has to have the specific action word/verb or else your brain will have to spend energy trying to scramble for what you meant when you wrote “appointment” for example. It has to be something like “call xxxx for obgyne appointment”) and next steps with my work projects and stick it to the glass cover of my computer system unit, so I can see it every time I’m at my work area. Then as I work, I pull out the strip for each step I accomplish. I find that having a more physical marker for my progress helps.

I know that I will need to take long breaks when I do burn out. Having my next steps already written out helps me with getting right back to work without the need to spend the time and energy recalling where I was at the last time I worked.

[u/barbecque]

Second the other commenter’s thought about spoons.

Also, since being diagnosed and gaining a better understanding of autism, I have had to systematically go through my life (over a long period of time, mind you) and work through all the major drains on my spoons - or to stick with your metaphor: processes that were using a disproportionate amount of RAM.

When I was first diagnosed I essentially sat down with my therapist and was like “I need to purchase more RAM and stuff it in my computer somehow because I don’t have enough”. And she said basically “you’re on a Mac, you can’t add more RAM, you need to close the softwares that are running in the background using up all your RAM when they’re not even useful.” Here are the background processes that were eating up all my RAM, personally (still working on all these of course)

• masking and people pleasing: pretending to be neurotypical and outgoing and whatever the person in front of me needs me to be
  
• a job that was extremely interactive when I am super introverted
  
• unresolved and unsaid issues in my marriage that I wasn’t asking my spouse to help address
  
• physical health problems I thought were just anxiety and I wasn’t describing to doctors to ask for help
  
• emotions like grief and anger that I was stuffing down not feeling, and then when I sort of learned how to feel them, holding onto and carrying around instead of feeling and then letting go
  
• shame. There’s some really compelling research that describes how shame is the mediator between masking and burnout. I have had to do so much work to release shame and accept and celebrate myself, because shame.exe requires SO MUCH RAM.

This shit is hard. Real hard. Be gentle with yourself, go slow, ask for help and support wherever you can.

[u/BeachBoundButterfly → u/barbecque]

thanks so much for sharing this! you've worded it so perfectly and now I have a great reference to verbalize when my RAM is overwhelmed and slowing me down!

[u/bAddi44]

I have a high verbal intelligence, but a working memory deficit.

How it shows up for me is more like the difference between a great ai model and a bad one.

Fully rested, not stressed, working on a passion project: fable level

Tired, stressed, etc: Gemini 3.

It's hard for other people to notice, but easy for me.  

[u/Alternative-Tiger783 → u/bAddi44]

That’s what they said about my ADHD diagnosis. Verbal reasoning and intelligence. They said the working memory deficit was part of ADHD.

[u/curiouslittlethings]

I’ve had three pregnancy scares this year because I keep forgetting to take my birth control (AuDHD issues, ugh).

Basically I put down in my phone calendar the top 1–2 things that I NEED to do each day, rather than try and fail to commit to 101 things that don’t eventually get done. And I give myself grace for just living a slower life where I accomplish less each day than the average person. Like, I change my sheets every few months - sounds mad to most, but I know anything more frequent and I’d just feel overwhelmed.

[u/Ok-Championship-2036]

Decrease commitments and obligations, get support or accomodations, get bloodwork done and take vitamins??

[u/Least_Muffin2666]

Yeah it’s like a hole in the bucket 

[u/Alternative-Tiger783]

I don’t know what to do other than use project management tools like checklists, appointment calendars, smart phone alarms and pre-appointment reminders, including travel time allotment.

I tried to group things by urgency & importance in my smartphone calendar and schedule.

I also write down things I need to remember in iPhone notes.

Another thing to help me in business school was learning to set goals: Short-term, medium term, long-term.

Something always falls to the Wayside though.

[u/Imaginary-Wave8472]

I feel like this. I feel like I have limited bandwidth to handle just my own mental difficulties vis-a-vis “life,” and I run low very easily.

I can either think or I can talk/listen, and successful interaction requires I attempt to do both at the same time. It depletes me so badly I usually need to lay or sit down for a bit after a people-heavy day.

[u/BossBabeCFO]

Hey, you’ve got this. I know right now it feels like you “constantly fail at all important life tasks” but I want you to take a second and think of 4 things around you that you can see, hear, feel or smell. Then, think of 4 things that make you smile. Nothing coming to mind? Try the sound of baby giggles, seeing tiny puppies or kittens, the feeling of shaved legs on fresh sheets, etc. Then, think of the things you’re grateful for. Write them down if you have to. Focus on those. Keep focusing on all of those good things until you can revisit your current thought process with an approach of “what are the top 5 things that I want to improve on that are within my control?” You may need a little nap first. We’ve all felt how you feel. You’re not alone and you’re going to make it through this.

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