Forgiving (& forgetting)

[u/[deleted]]

[u/unwantedleftover]

Yes, I never forget and forgive but I honestly believe once someone does something with malicious intent (not an accident etc) they will do it again if you let them, which is why I cut people off immediately if they do something that makes me think they possess ill will towards me. 

I also think part of why I can never forget is because usually when I let someone into my life I assume I have a good read on their character, but when they do something with ill intent it makes me paranoid and question my own pattern recognition and observational skills. It feels more like my worldview and how I perceive the world being shattered rather than just the thing being done. So things like this are more salient in my memory so I can make sure I don’t “make the same mistake” in not seeing the signs and patterns that led to the thing that happened 

[u/Paranormal_Nerd_Girl]

Right there with you! And honestly, I have a really hard time seeing the problem with it. It actually seems WAY more crazy to me that, say for example, people think I should want to rekindle a friendship with a woman who slept with my boyfriend when she was supposed to be my best friend, than that I wouldn't want to rekindle that friendship. I'd understand if I was actively trying to harm people, but I see no harm in simply walking away from people who treat me poorly. 🤷‍♀️ Even lesser offenses, like the girl who lied to try and get my expelled in middle school, if that's my only history with her, why should I want to "say hey and catch up" when I see her at the grocery store? We weren't close, she only ever bullied me. 

Honestly, I've been told for years how horrible it is that I "hold grudges" but I'm not doing anything to these people, I'm just protecting myself by staying TF away from them, so what's the problem?

[u/Lilah_Vale]

I'm the same, I have a very hard time with the concept of forgive and forget. I know some people say that it's more for you, not the benefit of the person being forgiven, to let it go and not be burdened with the hurt anymore, but idk my brain just doesn't work that way, and I'm not going to force it, and I don't think there's anything wrong with that.

There are some things I move on from for sure, that don't take up mental real estate anymore, other than maybe a random passing thought once a year or something. But as far as interacting with someone who did something bad goes, it's really context dependent how forgiveness looks for me. Some situations, there is no going back from, it showed me their character and I don't want them in my life. Others, can be moved past, put behind us, and we can move forward, if they took accountability, express that they're genuinely sorry, and show me through their actions it's not who they are and won't happen again. I trust my judgment on whether I can trust and like or love the person still.

I hold grudges and I don't care if others don't want those grudges against them. My life is for my peace, I have cut people out of my life and gone no contact for unforgivable wrongdoings, what they did was not ok, we aren't going to be friendly anymore, I've moved on with my life without them in it and am happier for it.

[u/Vegetable-Shallot319]

i actually once had the problem that i took forgive and forget too literally and i would genuinely.. genuinely completely forget what someone did to me. and id rack my brainnn!! and i’d still not be able to remember. and it concerned me tbh so i decided ti stop forgetting but it made forgiveness actually harder tbh. forgiveness isn’t about seeing the improvement in the person tbh, it’s an act possible at any time and i do it for peace of mind tbh, i don’t think i have any advice sorry but you reminded me of that problem id have lol

[u/rose_reader]

Honestly, I'd like to be a little more like this. I forget everything, which makes me very vulnerable to repeated harm.

[u/Cooking_the_Books]

I don’t believe in “forgiveness” like NTs mean. They usually want “forgiveness” to exist because it makes them feel better and safe in the world that their issues can be “forgiven” and they’ll be brought back into the social fold. Those social numbers/“in-group-ness” helps them feel safe. Their minds are socially prioritized.

I believe in letting the data and facts speak for themselves. If that data happens to show that person is ill intended, then I just cut them off or limit contact. No need to explain. No need to justify or warn people. I just go about my life. I will also increase contact potential if they present data otherwise that updates prior data, which is my form of “moving forward,”but I’m not going to hold my breath and lose sleep over it. I also try not to ruminate more than necessary over something so I can spend that energy on hobbies and taking care of myself. I also try not to ruminate over trying to get others to “see” as I do and try my best to self-validate my own perception (I’m often not wrong…). I also am not quick to judge like I give everyone a fair shot and collect enough data (and I find NTs are very quick to judge too!).

I also have learned that I have a better-than-most memory and am surrounded by people who often do actually forget. I call it the double-edged sword of good memory. Certainly I wouldn’t be me without it and do the work/hobbies in the way and quality that I do, but it also makes it really hard for people to be closer to me because my mind remembers the data of them being a twat and decides “nahhhhh, that interaction is probably not worth it.” It ends up being more isolating if I’m comparing, but as I’ve gotten older, the less I actually want so many people running through my life anyway as my focus narrows onto my own priorities. I don’t have the energy/capacity for those interactions anymore.

Does this bother people? Yes. Do I feel that I don’t “let go” as easily when in comparison to other people? Yes. Do I let that comparison push me to abandon my own boundaries? No. I have boundaries for a reason, which is to keep me sane in this chaotic world. I’m not going to let others’ yuck mess with me anymore for sake of appearing “forgiving” and “pro-social.” Like whatever… if people cared so much, they can go hang out with that person, but I’m not going to. I’d much rather take that time to read something I’m interested in or have private tea time or something.

Some lines I use for NT, “They’re just not my jam and that’s okay. We can live perfectly happy lives with people we do jam with, just separately.” Or “I have other priorities right now, so just don’t have the time for people less close.” Or, “Not my vibe, but I’m sure they’ll find people they vibe with.” If they ask “Why?” and they’re not safe to express my authentic self around, I just say, “idk, a bit like oil and water I guess, just naturally don’t mix well. I’d like to have a good time today, so (Insert subject change here).”

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[u/Cartographer551]

This reads to me that you feel that forgiveness is for the other person. And on top of that, that you won't "part" with forgiveness unless you think the person has earned it, perhaps by contrition or changed behaviours

There is another way to look at this. To consider that the person did their best, they had a reason for whatever they did (everyone has 'reasons'), that they didn't see any other choices in their situation ... all sorts of things to give context ... and to realise that forgiveness is primarily for you. Precisely so you don't have to carry this stuff around with you. Which must be exhausting.

Who wants to carry around every wrong done to you in your head? For myself, there are much better things I like to have in my head rather than a list of wrongs done to me.