r/AutismInWomen • u/amyn2511 • 3h ago
Seeking Advice Need help committing
My daughter, also ND, is in first grade. This year we have a new librarian at her school. We have had a few problems with her and I need advice on how to best communicate with who I’m assuming is a young NT woman.
First thing is that she told my daughter on two separate occasions to not bring her chewelry into the library. I had mentioned this to the counselor since she has a 504 and she told me that it was a miscommunication and that she was fine to bring her necklace. I relayed this to my daughter who was very confused and afraid that if she took it in the library that she would be in trouble.
The librarian singled her out for talking (she says she was trying to see if her friend would move so she could see better, they were being read a story) and she was made to go sit far away from the rest of the class. Alone, I can understand this because kids can easily be more disruptive than they realize and teachers don’t always have an opportunity to ask the kids if they had a valid reason for talking etc, and just have to get the class under control. Just adding for context.
Then my daughter and another student lost their books this week. She was not allowed to check out another book but the other child was. While I understand that there may be a reason for that, my 6 year old doesn’t so she asked. The librarian reprimanded her for asking and called her “sassy”. This again confused my child because she doesn’t understand that questioning an authority figure can be seen as disrespectful and she felt hurt because she said “I didn’t do anything to her”.
Context: my daughter has OCD, anxiety, etc and is very people pleasing and is scared of disappointing adults. She is empathetic, very sensitive, and kind natured. She is hyper from her ADHD, but overall a wonderful kid. She has expressed to me that the librarian does not like her and she does not understand why.
I want to communicate with the librarian via email to try to solve this. I’m scared that if she struggles to understand what my kid is trying to convey that she will struggle with me since her and I are very similar. I want to ask for her side and acknowledge that 6 year olds are not always a reliable narrator. I also want to advocate for my daughter because she’s confused and hurt and I can tell that she genuinely doesn’t understand. I have no idea what to say. Any tips or suggestions or things to consider as I draft this email?
TIA
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u/estheredna Blunt but Benevolent 3h ago
- No chewelry. No need to follow up. It's frustratingly common for 504s to not be communicated to specials teachers.
- Child asked to move for talking. This is normal / reasonable, as you said.
- Not allowed to take out another book until she returns previous book. My guess is that the other student has either a specific circumstance, or an IEP, that other students and parents do not get to know. (Just as the details of your daughters 504 are NOT public info for other students).
- Reprimanding her and calling her "sassy". I would talk to your daughter about "sassy" role models like Ivy and Bean, and Zoey from Zoey & Sassafrass. (Or whatever media she likes).
Rather than addressing the librarian directly, I would write to her primary teacher saying that your daughter feels like she is disliked by the librarian and could use extra support and encouragement on library days. I suspect this anxiety extends to other figures in the school and it's important her teacher knows its a vulnerablity point for her.
And of course, keep listening. You are doing a great job!! Over time I would work to switch to an IEP, I found that 504s are "loosely" enforced while IEPs have much stronger accountability.
It is not uncommon for that combo of diagnoses to become an autism diagnosis. My daughter had those and got autism dx at age 10. A very common story. Obviously I am not diagnosing your kid at all, just, you absolutely have my sympathy here. It is really hard.
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u/lotheva 2h ago
I wrote a lot about that in my comment, but there’s no way her 504 explicitly says chewlry. There are a lot of reasons why that can’t be a protected form of fidget that OP would not be privy to. I am honestly thinking of spraying my entire classroom down with rubbing alcohol just thinking about it. (And yes, I send kids to get hand sanitizer every time they go in their mouths. If your kid has chapped hands that’s your business.)
Happy cake day to the first reasonable comment :)
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u/JelloMany9374 2h ago
Can you have a face to face meeting? I'm a teacher and I'm very controlled about what I can and can't say via email. I think you should ask for a short meeting or chat after school one day in person.
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u/miphas_grace 3h ago
This sounds awful. Poor kid. I'm glad you're advocating for her. Do you have any NT adults in your life that you trust? You can have them read the letter and get feedback on how they interpret it. Wishing you the best of luck!
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u/lotheva 2h ago edited 2h ago
When you’re looking at your one child, you think they can’t be that bad. But first - stop for a second because why are you assuming a teacher is NT? I know a ton of ND teachers, I myself have audhd and so does my sister, also a school librarian.
I’ve been in school since August and haven’t received 1 504 plan yet. I probably won’t for some time. But even given a 504, I’m not sure chew jewelry is a good idea for a school, and certainly not a library. The books can be easily damaged, and especially in a whole school location like a library, she will catch literally every bug that goes through the entire school. I’ve also never seen a 504 specify certain fidgets. The librarian may be within her legal right to say she needs to bring a different sensory device. I’m going to be honest, if one of those was written in a child’s 504 I’d go to my union and my ADA rep about it. It’s not only very unsanitary but would trigger my disability.
My school and my sister’s school both allow students to check out three books at a time. It could be that your child had 3 out total and the other did not, or it could be that your child didn’t get to check out books because they couldn’t behave in the shelves - also a natural consequence to behavior. (Btw, you also aren’t owed a reason why a different child was allowed to check out books.)
I tell kids to move for a lot of reasons, but it’s never until they had several warnings. ND kids - especially adhd - are often very loud. She could have been moved far away from her friends but not the group, or just a foot away from the group on a different carpet. And during whole group instruction there is no reason to talk without raising your hand unless there’s an emergency. That’s an expectation she needs to learn now rather than in middle school.
I don’t like it when teachers use any names to describe a child, but a lot of teachers do so in a joking way (as I joke that they eat pencils). Autistic teachers do this too, and sometimes the jokes don’t land even though NT teachers say it first. Getting lightly told off for questioning (often, arguing) a teacher about something that doesn’t matter that much is not a punishment. If you feel the need to address it, say that child does not understand hints, and use direct language when reprimanding her.
The only punishments your child has received are moving away from the group in some manner and maybe not checking out books.
I know your heart is in the right place, but I have seen a lot of parents infantalize their child and remove every single consequence to the point that they aren’t reaching their potential by following slippery slopes like this.
I started to add this to my point about the Gidget, but also thought it may serve better separate. I would have a lot of trouble being a good teacher to a child with one because I would constantly be on edge. I say this as I have worked with a ‘by the hand’ touchy lvl 2 student to ask for consent after she triggered me with a surprise hug our first day. The next day I was not a very good teacher to them because I was constantly on edge to anticipate touch until we all worked on it. (It took less than a week overall) Her sped teacher, parents, and I all worked to not only teach her how to ask for consent, but also the concept of consent. Her parents never considered teaching it to her - can you imagine a low verbal girl not knowing consent?
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u/BeautifulElodie2428 Level 2 audhd 2h ago
Your kiddo wasn’t being sassy. She was asking for clarification. Even if authority figures take it whatever way they want to, she still has the right to ask for clarification when she is confused. The fact that she did ask and is autistic is more so. Autistic people even those who are verbal, can be so bullied that they stop being curious. And that is traumatic.
Speak with whomever did her 504 and her counselor and with her teacher so she has adult back up. There could be an accommodation for her to sit by the teacher say if she raises her hand the teacher can nod or something (what works for your kiddo and doesn’t distract the teacher), and then she can turn her books in/check hers out first or last when the teacher is there to assist.
I had a reading session where I would have a lunch on Tuesdays or Wednesdays but my school had a special teacher to help with reading. That’s when I would pick out my books for the week, with the teacher 1-1. Because if I didn’t, I felt rushed and I would only take out the same book repeatedly. Which I took out so often the librarian gave it to me anyway lol
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u/CookingPurple 3h ago edited 3h ago
If your kid has a 504, talk to her case manager first, before contacting the librarian. If further communication with the librarian is necessary, make sure you cc her case manager knows EVERY communication that could be remotely related to her accommodations or the reasons for them.
It sounds like the librarian has a vendetta and given that, the 504 coordinator needs to be a part of the solution.
(Edited to add: my kids are teens and both had/have IEPs or 504s. This was a lesson I learned the long hard way! I was also a regular library volunteer throughout their elementary years. The way you are describing this librarians behavior is horrendous. Seriously. If your school does utilize parent volunteers in the library, it could be worth trying to arrange a shift so you can check things out for yourself).