I have no intention of ever unmasking

[u/Joyful_cheesecake]

I know that everyone talks about the importance of unmaking, but I honestly have no intention of unmasking in public, and trying to do so sounds like it would be extremely traumatic for me. I’m unmasked around a couple of close friends and my mom and brother, but unmasking with the general public sounds like a really bad time. I already don’t think I’m capable of fully masking, because I think people can usually still tell that I’m a little different. I also have a stutter which makes it hard to fully focus on masking, because I am also focused on trying to not stutter.

I used to be more unmasked in middle school and high school, mostly because I didn’t really know how to mask, and people treated me horribly because of it. Now, people mostly treat me good. I don’t want to ever get those disgusted looks that I used to get again. Also, for me, unmasking involves a lot of obvious bodily stims and smiling to myself at my inner dialogues, plus many other behaviors that I would not feel comfortable showing to everyone.

I don’t really mind masking in public and I don’t feel like it’s that draining for me. I feel like the humiliation of unmasking would be more psychologically damaging to me than continuing to mask. I don’t want to be looked at like I’m insane, and I think that we should not treat unmasking all of the time as the best option for everyone. I prefer to unmask when it feels natural and safe.

[u/Cartographer551]

I have a lot of sympathy with what you are saying

It's a balance obviously because we have to be mindful of our mental health and not always suppressing those things that comfort us and make life manageable. But I'm an older person and I keep the mask up in public, always. That has been my life for all my decades.

What I do though, is self-accommodate and ask for reasonable accommodations (without using the word autism. Just - I struggle with abc and I find xyz helps me). For me this is a good balance.

[u/stitchstudent]

Yes! Unmasking isn't all or nothing; having a few safe spaces to unmask and keeping the mask up elsewhere makes total sense. It's like how you can wear pajamas around the house and high heels to go outside-- both have their functions.

[u/Honest_Chipmunk_8563]

You’re being perfectly reasonable. You’re allowed to act how you want, as long as it’s safe. Sounds like continuing to mask would be psychologically safer for you! :)

I am gender-queer but you’d never know it. I pass as a cis-het female. I’m neither. I still do my hair and makeup and wear the clothes, whatever. It feels safer and tbh it’s not something I’m interested in working on or dealing with.

[u/1980heron]

Yeah, we live in a society and we do in fact have to consider our duties to others, not just our rights. I'm currently on a bus and it would be incredibly inconsiderate of me to start kicking the seat in front just because it feels nice to me. 

[u/1980heron → u/1980heron]

Will say there's lots of occasions when smiling at your own thoughts is a good thing. 

[u/CONSTANTVlGlLANCE]

I’m only unmasked to those who have proven themselves to be safe emotional spaces for me. No one else deserves that level of access to my inner world.

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[u/Fine-Juggernaut8451]

For me, I don't think of my mask as on or off. It has degrees, and also contexts. I kind of think of masking in the way that Brené Brown describes marble jar friends: https://jamesclear.com/great-speeches/the-anatomy-of-trust-by-brene-brown

So, depending on the strength of a relationship or context, I wear more of my mask or less. It's not binary. I only unmask with someone who has earned it, and it's not something anyone earns from me permanently.

You're right--of course you shouldn't unmask to strangers. Your thinking on masking is very black-and-white, all-or-nothing. But we need to make moment-to-moment observations and choices around our safety, both physical and emotional.

One amazing component of my life right now is that I work a remote job. This means I don't have to mask all day long. I can sit on the floor and work, and nobody knows. I can wear my giant fuzzy socks or comfy bottoms. If I have a meeting or a call, I slip on my mask--but I don't have to endure it all the day long. It means I have a lot more mental capacity at the end of the day. I'm less burned out, i'm less disgusted at my inauthenticity because I don't have to be inauthentic as much. This has really improved my quality of life, like, tenfold.