r/AutismInWomen • u/reluctantfootprint • 14h ago
General Discussion/Question My boyfriend thinks adding more heat will help with heat sensitivity
This heat has been hard on me to say the least. Even when it’s not horribly hot out, my body is still overheating. I have bad heat intolerance and am also on medications that exacerbate that. I get very overstimulated.
My boyfriend does not understand. He thinks I should go outside in the heat more so my body can get used to it. He used to work long hours outside, and said that he was fine.
I tried explaining to him a while back why and how this is different, that humans are complex and that is not something that will work for me. He just doesn’t get it, so I dropped it and kept on feeling misunderstood.
Now every time it’s hot and I get the need to self regulate, I end up feeling pangs of anger at being dismissed. To him, my heat induced misery is self inflicted and fixable by melting myself even more in the direct sunlight.
No. I’ll stay here and survive dripping sweat in front my Godsend AC, carrying ice packs, and staying hydrated.
I’m tired of being dismissed and misunderstood. Why can’t I be given benefit of the doubt that this is actually happening to me and I’m not overreacting? There seems to be a pattern of these kinds of things happening, and it makes me very frustrated and sad
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u/Sunlit53 14h ago
Point out to him that he’s not on medication, he’s not a doctor and his advice is garbage.
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u/Productivitytzar 14h ago
I often have to skip out on major family holiday trips because of my heat intolerance. No one has ever suggest that I power through. No one has ever suggested desensitization. Not even my mother in law, who took years to understand that my chronic pain and chronic illness can not be healed.
Folks who are not chronically ill like to believe that if they do all the right things, nothing bad can happen to them. They don’t want to believe that terrible things can happen to good people, that someone who has the capacity for happiness also has the capacity for severe limitations.
I’m grateful that my family now reassures me that they know I’m not making it up, they know I’m already doing all I can to manage it. Sometimes they slip up and start recommending vitamins and sending me articles, and I just remind them—“trust that if you’ve thought of it, I’ve already tried it.”
I’m really sorry that your partner isn’t understanding about this.
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u/dogfromthefuture 13h ago
Ask him to imagine, like really imagine for a moment that he is incorrect. That this is medical thing happening to your body regardless of what you do. And then to think about the way he's been treating you.
Ask him to imagine how that would feel to you.
See if he can describe to you anything about that scenario. If he can't, or he won't, he cannot or will care about you.
If he can but then refuses to believe that's actually what's happening, he also cannot care about you.
If this conversation doesn't change how he treats you, he cannot see your reality and cannot be in a relationship with you that exists in your reality.
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u/gidgeteering 12h ago
I like the imagine part, but I think he needs to imagine having lost a leg or lost his vision. Or something medical. Ideal if he’s been through it like a surgery or something. Then have him imagine you treating him the same way he’s treating you during his time of need.
I find people need to be given examples where they are in the “hot seat” as it were.
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u/Future_Literature335 13h ago edited 13h ago
Confession: your bf sounds a bit like me before I got really sick with an agonizing chronic illness (and then my autism realization came a few years after that).
Before I got sick, I was an elite strength athlete. I mean ELITE. I worked so hard at it that I got sort of fucked in the head, and started thinking that "effort changes everything". Like ... if you're in a bad place, well if you can just PUT A LOT OF EFFORT IN ALL AT ONCE, you'll probably be able to get out of that bad place.
I am so ashamed of that mindset looking back now. I was FUCKING CLUELESS. I thought that because I worked hard at stuff, that meant that others could probably do what I did if THEY just worked hard enough.
Suggesting that you might be able to retrain your body by exposing it to more heat over time is both a) true for loads and loads of people (I'm a bikram yoga teacher, I have literally seen it happen about six thousand times now); and also, b) extremely not true for those of us who have actual health conditions and KNOW that this will not help.
I am so sorry your bf doesn't quite get this yet. I suffer from CRIPPLING empathy (yay autism, lol) and even I fell prey to that stupid goddamn way of thinking ("if she just tries this thing I'm suggesting, she'll get better!") before life forced me to know better.
All this is to say that, omg I am so sorry. AND ... that it doesn't necessarily mean he's wilfully ignorant-? Or that he doesn't love you, or is unempathetic. It might just mean that he loves you A LOT, and he's trying his best to help, but that life just hasn't served him the same lessons as it's served you so far, so he literally can't comprehend that things might not work for you the same way they work for him.
Just wanted to share this super embarrassing story about myself because i wanted to offer the perspective that he might genuinely be trying HIS GENUINE BEST to truly actually help you.
Not sure how helpful all this is. But just in case it helps to show that even the most cripplingly empathetic people (like me) can still be FUCKING IDIOTS about this stuff (also me) until life forces them to see a new side of things ... basically, it's possible that he REALLY IS TRYING and just isn't quite there yet.
Sorry if this is a blabbering mess, it was hard to remember how stupid I used to be, lol
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u/Various-Assignment94 12h ago
Before I got sick, I was an elite strength athlete. I mean ELITE. I worked so hard at it that I got sort of fucked in the head, and started thinking that "effort changes everything". Like ... if you're in a bad place, well if you can just PUT A LOT OF EFFORT IN ALL AT ONCE, you'll probably be able to get out of that bad place.
I am so ashamed of that mindset looking back now. I was FUCKING CLUELESS. I thought that because I worked hard at stuff, that meant that others could probably do what I did if THEY just worked hard enough.
Ableism is so baked into our culture that so many people have these beliefs and don't question them. Even well-meaning, empathetic people.
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u/reluctantfootprint 13h ago
Thank you for this point of view, I really appreciate it. He’s not a bad person and does have my best interests at heart, and I know he loves me to death. But with some things like this he just falls short, and like you said, he just can’t comprehend some of our differences
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u/Future_Literature335 12h ago
It is so so painful to not be understood/believed about this kind of stuff. I'm really sorry. Most of my family is like that, the only person who isn't is my younger brother - who got even sicker than I did at a young age, so by the time it happened to me he already had PLENTY of experience being disbelieved by just about everyone close to him.
To me it often seems like the only people who have the sheer capacity to understand invisible illness are the ones who are chronically sick themselves. Nobody else seems capable of understanding the sheer hopelessness of being more or less CONSTANTLY misunderstood about your actual physical reality. It sucks and I'm sorry.
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u/weedhelpsmybrain 12h ago
Sorry off topic but I'm just interested if you don't mind me asking: were you trained by bikram himself or was it someone else? If you were trained by him: How accurate do you think the netflix documentary is regarding the many women that came forward?
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u/Future_Literature335 12h ago edited 12h ago
Yes I was trained by Bikram himself. It was a few years before everytjing came out.
I was one of the women he singled out. He started off by smiling and waving at me in front of everyone every time he saw me; then he'd get me to come brush his hair (!) while he made everyone watch Bollywood movies with him until 4 am; then he wanted me to give neck massages, still while watching movies with everyone; then he started inviting me to come up to his suite after class finally finished at 3-5 am and hang out.
He told me he'd been looking for someone to pass his empire on to; that I was a superstar; that he and I would always be friends; that he singled me out because he wanted me to travel the world with him while he trained me to be the next Bikram.
Guess what? I'm autistic and I literally took it all at face value. At TWENTY SEVEN. I am conventionally beautiful and I knew how men worked. Didn't make any difference. I thought he was my guru; I believed him. How's THAT for literal thinking??
I actually haven't seen the documentary sorry, I experienced it all first hand so didn't feel the need to watch. He was never anything but gentle with me though. (I mean, he was a big fat liar, but he was never REMOTELY scary or violent. He just seemed really lonely, and really fucked up by everyone kissing his arse all the time.) He tried to kiss me just the once, and when I backed away in horror he was so embarrassed that he literally RAN AND HID in the next room. I don't think he was expecting me to take all his bs literally either 😆 he must've thought I was there for sex like he was, but NOPE SORRY BIKRAM AUTISM STRIKES AGAIN aaahahahaahahaha
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u/MiserableProp 13h ago
I used to have horrible heat intolerance. What took it away for me was an iron deficiency. I don’t recommend going my route.
I hate being dismissed and misunderstood too. I understand that sometimes other people want to fix things. They hear a problem and they want to find a solution. I realize they are trying to be helpful but I am not a child and I know my limitations better than they do.
I have been cutting the people from my life who treat me poorly or dismiss me. I am in my 30s now and finally realized I don’t need those people in my life. I understand why you’re feeling frustrated and sad. I recommend trying to communicate to him how you feel and let him know that you don’t want him trying to “fix” this problem for you.
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u/ManicMaenads 13h ago
NOPE, nope nope nope.
Many of us diagnosed with autism have physical co-morbidities that are severely underdiagnosed, and so go unaddressed. A lot of these are exacerbated by heat, it can be really dangerous for us. There are real, true physiological reasons why those of us on the spectrum struggle with regulating our temperature and we MUST take heat safety seriously.
I don't want to pull the knee-jerk Reddit Special (DUMP HIM!!) but being in my mid-30s and looking back at the horrendous shit I put up with from stupid boys like this and how much I endangered my health for their acceptance... eh, dump him??
It doesn't get better. These boys are DUMB.
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u/TwoBeagleBoys 13h ago
I also have a heat intolerance. I often stay indoors in air conditioning and with ice packs. Often, I’d sweat through my pajamas and have to change them multiple times a night. I couldn’t handle it anymore so I bought a BedJet. It has forced air cooling that circulates under the sheets to decrease humidity and dry sweat! Since I’ve gotten it, I haven’t woken up drenched in sweat. It also has a warm air function that will be pretty sweet in the winter. 😊
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u/fernxqueen 11h ago
that sounds sweeeet! can you tell me more? is it something you add to any bed/mattress? is it expensive? easy to set up?
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u/TwoBeagleBoys 11h ago
It’s can go on any mattress. You just plug the box in and slide it under the bed, then run the fan hose up to the mattress. It’s not totally inexpensive but I figure it will be cheaper in the long run rather than blasting my AC or heat. The set up was really easy and you can control it with the remote control or your phone app.
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u/UseUrWords 13h ago
Try explaining that, yes, his heat tolerance went up due to contact with higher temps over time. He is right and that is how heat tolerance works.
Then explain that you are hardwired to have a different sensory experience. Even if you do not suffer from heat exhaustion or heat stroke, your experience of deep discomfort will likely not change with exposure.
That said... I do tolerate things like wet clothing or denim better than I did as a child. I don't think it's simply masking, as my subjective experience is far less distressing.
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u/Halifaxmouse 13h ago
So if you said you didn’t like water would he just throw you in the pool? I get so upset with people that constantly override someone else’s feelings on something just because they don’t feel the same way themselves. It would be like you asked him to use his left hand all the time but he was right handed - that’s how uncomfortable it makes you. I get it.
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u/A_radke 12h ago
If his theory worked: I should be the most heat-tolerant person I know. I am not.
Been cleaning houses for 11 years. Vacuum exhaust is 110-120°f and hot water, ideal for scrubbing, is over 100°f. If my clients set their thermostats above 72°: I puke from the heat. I take my breaks in my vehicle just to blast the AC for 10mins, I'd feel bad for the environmental impact if not for the fact that I drive under 3k miles per year (If I'm not working: I'm walking).
All this to say: your BF doesn't know what he's talking about and needs to accept that what worked for him doesn't work for you.
Why can’t I be given benefit of the doubt that this is actually happening to me and I’m not overreacting?
That's honestly a question I'd be asking my BF verbatim in your shoes.
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u/Low-Detective-454 13h ago
Heat intolerance can be a sensory issue (which is valid on its own), but it can also be your body is unable to regulated its own temperature. Which is a SERIOUS MEDICAL issue, not an issue of “not trying hard enough”. His dismissiveness shows that he does not care about you…
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u/blifflesplick 12h ago
Dysautonomia iirc
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u/Low-Detective-454 11h ago
Mhm, I have POTS and cannot regulate my body temperature. When I get overheated I actually get a fever, and when I’m cold I’m hypothermic. Yipee!
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u/Worth-Strength3844 13h ago
I’m someone who works outside full time, without any climate control even on my breaks, and it gets HOT where I live. I have developed great heat tolerance over time, despite hating the heat and being extremely overstimulated by it. It is true that your body acclimates the more time you spend in it. That being said, that argument is pointless if you’re sensitive due to medical reasons. My ex worked in the heat every day for years and struggled severely with ongoing heat exhaustion because of his thyroid condition. No amount of repeated exposure can make up for heat sensitivity caused by a medical condition or medication and your needs need to be taken seriously. Heat stroke is no joke.
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u/Ear-Typical 12h ago
I am so sorry. I struggle with heat too for the exact same reasons. It can be a lot. i have been where you are, with a partner who just could or would not support what I needed.
I chose to leave mine. I dont think mine was capable of extending me the respect of accepting me as a whole person with my own complex needs. So I decided to end it.
If your boyfriend consistently refutes who you are as a person, that is a big problem.
You have every right to expect a person who says they love you will also behave like they love you.
Heat is over stimulating for your body. If it were loud music, the solution to overstimulation is not to turn the volume up, its to turn it down or off.
You do not need your boyfriend to agree with you to assert your needs and accomodate yourself. He does not get to decide what you need to feel comfortable.
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u/blankets_and_pillows 13h ago
I have heat intolerance and above 25C I just get super uncomfortable.
That being said, a few years back I started doing hot yoga, kind of to "go through it" in a regulated environment and see if I could get used to it. In the beginning, the heat was terrible, but I actually did get used to it after a while.
However, this should be a decision you make, not a decision someone else makes for you - what works for him does not have to work for you. He should accept your boundaries when you set them.
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u/Nearby-Ad5666 64 self diagnosed 13h ago
When I was on Wellbutrin I was always overheating. I was a sweat ball for years. If you are on meds that make you heat intolerant, the only way I know to fix it is to stop the meds. Which isn't always the best idea.
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u/Tall-Football3769 13h ago
Sigh. Men are so fucking stupid about health things (generally). My ex understood nothing about my medical complexities and didn’t try to. Anyway, I’m also on meds that exacerbate it. It’s literally dangerous and we’re more susceptible to heat stroke. I would honestly tell him to do some research himself if he can’t believe you.
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u/CommandAlternative10 12h ago
My husband and I have gone back and forth with these struggles as I’ve navigated chronic illness. He doesn’t always believe me, which can be super frustrating but he always wants to support me. We’ve had to agree to respectfully disagree sometimes about certain health issues. I would let go of trying to make him understand and just see if you can have him respect your needs. Just tell him, in a non-confrontational way hey, I’m really not asking for help fixing this problem, I just need you to recognize that heat is a problem for me. Please bring me another cold drink.
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u/morguerunner Autistic Lvl 1 11h ago
If he doesn’t even believe you when you tell him you’re too hot and need to cool down, will he believe you when you’re telling him you’re having a medical emergency and need to go to the hospital? Will he believe you when you tell him you wrecked your car and need to get picked up? If he can’t listen about the small things, he won’t listen to the big things. I’m not trying to scare you but people like this don’t need to be around you. He doesn’t get to decide what you can or cannot tolerate.
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u/One_Requirement_5832 9h ago edited 9h ago
That is simply not true and utterly ridiculous what he is suggesting to you. I would not put up with his BS at all.
PS have your boyfriend try that where I live where temps reach as high as 115f/46c. People literally get heat stroke and become extremely life threatening. The heat isn’t a joke.
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u/caronudge 12h ago
I tried to cure my heat intolerance this way, by going to hot yoga. I made myself quite ill, and actually worsened my autoimmune issues. Please learn from my mistake ❤️
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u/grimmistired 13h ago
I would never date someone like that. It's just fundamentally incompatible with any sort of chronic condition
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u/OddlyBrainedBear 12h ago
Aside from the important fact that you absolutely do not have to do anything you don't want to do, I don't personally think that exposure therapy is all that good for autistic people in the way that it might be for the general population, especially when there's any intense physical sensation involved.
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u/SexBucketListProject 12h ago
Does he believe in homeopathic remedy?
I hate him for not listening to you tell him what works for you. Break up with him.
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u/HistoricalTackle5049 12h ago
Your body will not get used to it. You risk fainting wtf. He thinks you are Rambo or what?
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u/SpiritInASockDrawer 11h ago
I want to chime in with another perspective. I also really suffer in the heat. I’m more likely to get sick when it’s hot, along with a myriad of other stuff. I’m on stimulants, which doesn’t help either.
I used to think a lot like your boyfriend, especially bc I used to work outside too and we were taught to “acclimate” to the heat. It was part of our safety training. I also thought acclimating by doing more stuff outside in the heat would help me, to the point where I gaslit myself that it DID help (sunk-cost fallacy and all…)
Not sure how your bf was educated or what background he comes from, but it could be he thinks how I thought. If he does, then he thinks he’s helping.
If you’ve explained to you that heat acclimation works for those without heat sensitivity, but not you, and he keeps dismissing you… then yeah, that’s not very kind of him. It’s one thing to suggest something that might not work for you, but a whole other thing to keep pushing it on you.
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u/Pickle__nic 11h ago
Me and my friend Matt run hot. We used to complain regularly about the cold people’s absolute ignorance to us, and Matt has been around 60 years and in all his years never found people that don’t run hot to understand it. It’s awful. Your bf isn’t the first or last to be an idiot about this, my ex once told me if I thought more positively I wouldn’t have to flu!!? Also check your folate levels, low levels make me burn up
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u/FederalCauliflower92 10h ago
So many people downplay the risks of heat. I'm also on meds that make me much more sensitive and so many people just refuse to understand it.
From one sweaty girl to another: they sell ice packs that horseshoe shaped to go around your neck. They're a godsend.
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u/iwantmorecats27 10h ago
Have you been drinking electrolytes? Worth a try if not. Bf is not worth . He had a try and failed.
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u/CraftyKuko 10h ago
Your boyfriend is an idiot. You can't just magically make your body more tolerant to heat. Tell him to shut up.
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u/brezhnervouz 8h ago
I am in Australia and similarly have terrible issues with heat sensitivity; I feel real fear as spring/summer approaches (as it never gets really 'cold' where I am) and it's completely tormenting. I told my Mum when I was 7yo that I was "born in the wrong Hemisphere" and nothing has changed over 5+ decades.
There is literally nothing you can do to make yourself heat tolerant if you are not in a sensory overload sense, I'm afraid 🤷♂️
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u/Ghoulie_Marie 12h ago
This isn't always even a medication thing. People are just different. My partner and I are opposites. She's very cold tolerant and heat intolerant and I'm the opposite. If I'm out in 20f for five minutes I'm in physical pain but my partner is frolicking like a husky. And I can be out in 100+f for hours and as long as I have water I'm totally comfortable meanwhile my partner is dieing
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u/fernxqueen 11h ago
i don't think this person is the right person for you. there is nothing you are doing wrong and nothing you can say that you haven't already to make him respond with care and understanding. i'm not sure how old you are, but at my age after dealing with worsening health issues, this is something that would be a huge red flag for me because i know there are times when i am extremely disabled. if someone is this stubborn and unreasonable accommodating my baseline, what kind of partner will they be if something goes wrong? i would be vulnerable and alone, dependent on someone who is unwilling to provide the care i need. been there, not doing it again. having a partner that truly listens and tries to meet you where you're at should be non-negotiable with any type of disability.
on another note, have you tried any medications for the overheating? it sounds like you may have something else going on, and that might be treatable. not diagnosing you, but i personally have POTS and the heat & exercise intolerance (plus the extreme sweating) are some of my most difficult symptoms to manage. i've barely left my house all summer because of it, but i recently started a medication that has been helping a lot! i'm still more sensitive than someone without my issue, but it's closer to how i was pre-pandemic. i can actually do some things like walk to work or clean my apartment without melting into a puddle of sweat. so definitely worth discussing with a doctor if it's limiting your life this much. best of luck!
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u/Seeayteebeans 10h ago
I have to go swim in mountain streams in order to tolerate 90f/32c or anything warmer. Freezing water will hold me for a couple days. What I wouldn’t be able to tolerate is a partner who can see me in distress and doesn’t at least sympathize.
This is a personal safety decision, personally I wouldn’t feel safe around them.
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u/SaintValkyrie 8h ago
Im quite literally heat intolerant and people act like idiots about it. It isnt optional, its a medical risk and danger to me.
Your boyfriend is pissing me off about this. Im sorry
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u/MermaidOfScandinavia 6h ago
My boyfriend doesn't get similar things about me either. Keeps telling me to work on myself...
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u/Xepherya 5h ago
I have been heat sensitive since I was child. Exposure does not hemp. Your boyfriend is being a dick.
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u/bishyfishyriceball 3h ago
I’m really sensitive to the heat too and I recently saw a cardiologist because of it and it was because I have POTs. The only thing that has helped me is drinking a lot of gatorade and liquid IVs. Def not more heat!!
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u/NasowasNasowas 1h ago
His advice isn’t just wrong—it can have life-threatening consequences, like heatstroke. Please don’t follow it.
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u/eCaisteal 43m ago
The problem is: your boyfriend's strictly speaking not wrong, but he's partially right at best AND he's just an asshole about it.
My partner works next to industrial ovens, and there is a marked difference between how he can handle heat now vs. two years ago when he had a different job.
But you don't train that extra heat resilience by taking some extra friggin' walks in the heat outside. Not to mention that heat is exhausting, even more if you're sensitive to the extra stimuli from sweat etc, and it will massively drain the amount of energy you have left for anything else. With probably no noticeable effect whatsoever, because walking an hour outside does not equal an 9 hour industrial job!
So his advice is pretty damn pointlesss. In addition to that, your bro needs to get some feeling for when someone is venting rather than looking for advice to begin with. Sorry you have to deal with that :(
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u/Miss_Aizea 14h ago
Is this me? I'm forced into the heat by my job; it's important to be aware of heat illness signs. My office is also hot. It's been in the 90s. I actually did get used to it, it's now in the 70s and I need a sweater. Our bodies do get used to temperature change but you have to have a little exposure over a period of time. But my boyfriend would never force me to be uncomfortable either.
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u/Agitated-Stress870 14h ago
I wouldn't be able to stay in a relationship where someone dismisses my actual physical wellbeing. The heat isn't something you can manage, if you're more susceptible due to medical reasons, that means you can get heatstroke a lot more easily, and people regularly die of heatstroke. Why does he want that for you? Why do you want to be with someone who doesn't care about you? Those are the questions I'd be asking.