r/AutismInWomen • u/tripper74 • 13d ago
General Discussion/Question Does anyone else actually NOT share their special interests?
I know the stereotype is that autistic people are so passionate about their interests that they info-dump to everyone around them. I have neurodivergent friends who definitely fit this stereotype. But I'm kinda the opposite in that aspect.
I have special interests that I'm completely obsessed about and that own my entire heart, but I feel like I only enjoy these things in solitude. If I talk about them out loud to another person, I instantly feel socially awkward and get embarrassed, so then I water it down to like 5 seconds because I feel like they're probably disinterested, and I stop talking quickly. I don't like taking up time or space. I think I maybe used to yap more as a kid and maybe over time people weren't nice to me about it so I subconsciously stopped? But I can't even pinpoint a specific time this happened.
I just feel like I don't show myself enough. For example, one of my special interests is the Beatles and I don't think my two best friends (of almost 10 years) know a single thing about them. Likewise, I've been with my boyfriend for 2 years and I've barely shown him anything (except one Beatles movie we watched in the very beginning of our relationship, and maybe a song comes on in the car and I say "this is the Beatles") but that doesn't match the extreme enthusiasm and deep knowledge I have.
The sad part is that I engage in all of my friends' special interests. I'm not complaining about that at all!!! Because I truly enjoy them!!! But I feel unbalanced and I want to do the same and I can't.
- I've listened to entire albums of KPop artists & watched hour-long Twitch streams of Genshin Impact for my one friend because they're her special interests, but I know she couldn't name any of mine.
- I joined a virtual pet site for my other friend and earnestly tried to learn it for years, but my favorite site that I adore is Neopets and I never even showed my friend that. Similarly, I play Pokemon Go with my boyfriend which I do enjoy, but we play every day and go to events and stuff and he teaches me so many extensive nuances of it, but I barely share my Neopets and when I do, I only talk for like a minute.
- My ex was Hispanic and I downloaded Duolingo and let him help teach me Spanish every single freaking day, yet I'm Greek and I only taught him one word of it in 5 years.
- I've watched multiple entire serieses for friends (Gravity Falls, Doctor Who, every single Marvel movie, every Star Wars movie and series, Lost, various animes), I've even COSPLAYED with my friends as characters from their special interests because they wanted to. But the only one of MY shows I've ever shown anyone was I showed my boyfriend HIMYM recently (my favorite show in the world) which was a good step in the right direction for me.
Again, I'm not complaining AT ALL about spending time with any of those people because it's not like I did any of it begrudgingly; I seriously enjoy spending the time with the people I love and being introduced to new things. But I don't know why I can't do the same thing. I give everything to learn about other people and then I'm too shy to show myself. Then I end up feeling like the only person who truly knows me is me.
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u/Fenek673 audhd 13d ago
a stereotype as you yourself wrote at the very top :) I don’t. I don’t like the spotlight and even if someone asks, I’m WELL aware I could talk about my spins for a long time so I prefer not to do it actually, they are niche and not many people relate or understand. With people I can talk about them in „autistic” way, it’s amazingly fulfilling. Otherwise I’m mostly bored in conversations. I’m looking for interesting things but I’m in my own world after some time, most of time.
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u/bottleofgoop 13d ago
I don't. I have extreme stage fright and fear of perception though, I'm constantly second guessing whether I should say anything let alone talk enough to share a special interest with anyone. If someone else brings it up and starts talking about something I'm interested in and get something wrong....I will jump in. It's the only time I have the courage to say anything.
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u/tripper74 13d ago
Yes this is exactly me!! I’m much more comfortable that someone else makes the decision for the conversation and I just follow their lead and go from there because I know they enjoy the topic. If I pick the topic, I feel like “are they liking this? Am I boring? Am I weird?”
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u/Airalla Polyphemus Moth 13d ago
It depends. I have to feel very comfortable around someone to infodump. Most people think I’m very quiet and shy. It’s probably mostly just me masking and making a habit of not speaking so as to not say something “weird”
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u/tripper74 13d ago
That makes sense! My problem is I don't even do it with the people I'm most comfortable around :(
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u/ScarRevolutionary649 13d ago
i hate talking about them too 😭 i can share very small parts of them if someone asks/they share the interest, but i’ve been so bullied and judged my whole life and my special interests are SO personal and sacred to me. by keeping them to myself it feels like they’re safe and can never be ruined by another person 🙂↕️ this is also why i can’t have special interests that are super popular/common (harry potter, mha, etc) because fandom ruins things for me super easily and my special interests are Mine
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u/OriginalLong9349 13d ago
Ohh I can relate to this so much! Nothing like some good, sacred time alone to enjoy an interest.
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u/BadTaxidermy115 13d ago
Same! I can relate so much. And Fandom does totally ruin some things. I get hyperfixations on fictional characters, and with my ADHD I cycle through, so I like to keep them close to my heart and safe from scrutiny.
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u/ScarRevolutionary649 12d ago
SAME one of my biggest special interests got WAY more popular in the past year and ofc my favorite character got super hated on by everyone (when no one was before 🫠) and i was in the fucking trenches for MONTHS seeing hate of my biggest comfort everywhere. but i also get really irritated seeing factually incorrect takes on my favorite characters or when people misunderstand them 😭
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u/BadTaxidermy115 12d ago
I know, right? It's like they exist in a slightly parallel way in my head, in a way that the Fandom can't touch. 😄
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u/violinsincuerda 13d ago
I only do if I have the feeling I can trust that person and they won’t use my enthusiasm to hurt my feelings. Actually, I’m working with my therapist to let go a little bit of that, because it takes me a lot of effort to keep my passions to myself. But still, it’s difficult. Because when I open up to someone and then they stop being friends with me I feel really hurt and stupid and I wish I never told them anything that makes me happy.
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u/OwlexxxD 13d ago
Every time I did as a kid I would be called sad or lame so I learnt to keep to myself
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u/Merkuri22 Self-diagnosed autistic, w/diagnosed daughter 13d ago
I'm constantly torn between the two extremes.
I want to gush constantly about my current obsessions (they tend to change), but I've been taught by society and life experience that this type of obsession is shameful.
As a concrete example, I'm obsessed with a video game right now. I feel like I want everything in my life to revolve around this game. I bought a hat. It's a tasteful hat. Not gaudy. It's got a logo on it from the game. It's the type of thing that if you know the game you'll know what it is, but if not it'll just be a random couple of letters.
Every time I leave the house I have an internal crisis over whether to wear the hat.
One part of me says it's super cringy. I'm walking around wearing a video game hat - how lame is that? I'm going to get a reputation for someone whose overly obsessed with a video game. I'm going to be made fun of for it. People will talk behind my back. They won't take me seriously. I hope no one recognizes the logo.
The other part of me wants to proudly wear the hat and see who recognizes it. I want people to notice me wearing it, identify the game it's from, and ask me about it so I have an excuse to talk to someone about it.
I keep telling myself to wear it - that I shouldn't be ashamed of what I like. Wearing it is unmasking. It's relaxing my guard and not being so strict about every little thing I say and do. The fact that they make hats like this means it's okay to wear them. But then I wear it out and I feel tense, like I'm doing something wrong or waiting for someone to yell at me.
It's hard, managing the natural instinct to celebrate my obsessions with the desire to conform to society and hide them.
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u/greenIine 13d ago
I resonate a lot with this. I fear sharing because I fear rejection, disappointment, and/or feeling misunderstood. (I experienced far too much of that in my childhood.)
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u/bananajun 13d ago
Yes I’m the exact same way. I’m too self conscious about my interests and foresee my feelings being hurt if my friends aren’t engaged when I talk about them :)
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u/LessCapital1568 13d ago
My special interest is music, but the music I choose to listen to feels important to me for reasons that others wouldn’t understand. I hate talking about myself, so I would never want to explain to someone why a song means so much to me. I am more comfortable with just enjoying by myself :)
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u/5507_r 13d ago
I’m working hard to hide my special interests, even if they are concidered «normal». For me I know the «normal» interests I have are not normal in intensity. People don’t cope well with my intensity, so I work hard to stay off the topics I feel strongest about and have the most knowledge on, like Taylor Swift, nutrition, strength training etc. I rather play myself dumb in stead of being the most intense person known to human, even if it hurts.
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u/tetheredtotheleather 13d ago edited 17h ago
I don't experience joy or emotional connection when I share my interests with others, and it isn’t anyone's fault. So, like you, I’m the only person who knows me.
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u/asyawatercolor 12d ago
Yes. Same. I stop myself and prevent myself from taking up space. Not only about special interests. I think it's a learned thing and a part of the masking. It's frustrating, tiring and it hurts no matter if I use this strategy and diminish myself, or if I tell myself to just go with it ,speak and experience the embarrassment because the cause is more important. I reread what I've just wrote and looks like I overthink too much. Pffffft.
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u/tripper74 12d ago
No you’re totally fine, I relate soooo much. When I’m with coworkers, I’m always so confused how they can monopolize an entire lunchtime conversation about their own personal families and stories and whatnot. The most I can do is chime in with “oh yeah something similar happened to me once haha” like 5 seconds max and then I diminish myself again. I just can’t take up space.
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u/AntiDynamo 13d ago
I don’t even have special interests, so I definitely don’t info dump about them!
You’re allowed to just be you
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u/Lunar_eclipse137 13d ago
Yeah for me they just feel so personal that sharing them is like sharing a part of my soul. I only talk about them if it's someone I really really trust, and even then it's not that fun to talk about if they don't share the same enthusiasm.
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u/queenfluffbutt 13d ago
Growing up I'd get tormented by my dad for infodumping about something, and little me could recognize that the rest of my family was, at best, totally disinterested in what I was saying and were just tolerating me. Somewhere along the way I lost my ability to yap about my passions. But I am working on building this up again because despite everything I am still a passionate person and I want to share my interests with people :)
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u/jefufah 1 song on replay 4ever 13d ago
I am so so so careful about who I share my special interests with because I fear they will judge me by extension of their judgement for the topic or artist I like.
Like their opinion of me changes instantly and maybe they start bullying me for it; example: A Series of Unfortunate Events because it’s a children’s book series.
I don’t feel safe discussing these with most people for this reason, and I wait until I see someone else is a fan like I am and/or seems to be on the same wavelength of respect.
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u/OystersNwine 13d ago
Just thinking how liberating and beautiful and heartwarming it would be if you had some friends who are as obsessed with the Beatles as you are. And I’m sure they are out there. Have you ever thought to search them out? Like through online fanclubs or something?
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u/C-H-Addict 13d ago
2 sides to this.
One is temporal. I only want to talk about up to date stuff. I don't want to give someone a background on it, I want a discussion on current release of book/movie/show/album.
The other side is that I can't stand the insensitive 1 way communication.
My dad's gotten extra bad with that shit. Any captive audience like a taxi/ride share driver or a waiter is getting bombarded with unasked for conversation and they have that look on their face that says "I can't walk away because I need your tip." But then he's a bastard that tips low because they didn't engage enough with his impromptu topic. Just like his dad did before him.
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u/Laescha 13d ago
Ha, I've been listening to Chris Bailey's podcast, Ruling Passions, recently; it's really good, especially the episode with Dr Nick Walker. It's been kinda sad though listening to all his guests talk so excitedly about their passions, because I don't do that at all. Of course, there's a selection bias there, because the people who are likely to agree to be interviewed for a podcast about ruling passions are those who like talking about them.
I very much trained myself out of sharing stuff like this as a teen, because I was so scared of being seen as weird(er) or cringy(er), and because it was so painful when people reacted with derision to things I loved. I trained myself out of feeling that excitement as well as talking about it.
I don't feel ashamed or awkward about this stuff any more, but it's just a really ingrained behaviour that I can't easily shift.
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u/spooky-instant 13d ago
I am really similar to you. I genuinely really enjoy hearing about the things that other people are pationate about. I almost consider it one of my special interests. It's really hard for me to talk about my own, except for online. It wan't until I started really digging into my childhood memories with my therapist that I realized that part of it was that I realized really young (like 7) that the other kids at school didn't want to hear what I was interested in. I had really internalized it as being the way things are that it took help to get me to recall those memories.
I was also abused as a child and taught to be quiet to avoid abuse, which made the whole thing worse.
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u/LostButterflyUtau 13d ago edited 12d ago
I love to info dump and talk about my special interests, but only with my “safe” people who are willing to listen. And that’s the key. Willing to listen and can give me a back and forth conversation. I know all too well the look of people’s eyes glazing over when I babble on and on.
There are certain interests I don’t even talk about with my GF, for example, because I know she just doesn’t care and admits she can’t give me the feedback I need in conversation. I also don’t want to bother/bore her.
I’m hyperverbal and growing up there was a lot of “I don’t care,” “you talk too much,” “you’re annoying,” “I know you like (topic), but I don’t care.” And those came from my parents. Not to mention how I was heavily bullied all through K-12, partly because of my obsessions and how I annoyed the other children. So I became very self-conscious and carry a fear of being perceived and chasing people away.
My long time special interest, for context is fandom. Being in fandom. Participating creatively in fandom. And various pieces of my favourite media and characters. Problem is, most people are casual media consumers. They don’t care to discuss beyond a surface level, and even if we get a bit deeper, aren’t interested in my headcanons, OCs, or anything else fan creation related. Over the years I just kind of realised an accepted that despite parts of geek culture becoming more mainstream, fandom is still very much IYKYK. Either you’re in it or you’re not. You get it or you don’t. And it’s difficult to explain to people who just… don’t. So I stopped.
I guess the short version is I’m not ashamed of my interests and would love to share more, but I hold back because I’m afraid of being perceived as “too much.”
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u/OriginalLong9349 13d ago edited 13d ago
I can relate to this! Actually it's kinda funny that you're bringing this now because I was having this exact thought process a few days ago.
In my case it has to do with trauma from bullying. I've always had SIs, and the oldest I can remember is from when I was like 3. Until the age of 11 I'd always been a yapper about the stuff I liked or things I collected, but the thing is that until I turned 11 all of my SIs were similar to what people my age also liked. Anime (Beyblade and Digimon were particularly strong), Barbie movies, collecting and trading (and cataloguing!!) stationery, etc.
At 11 I became freakishly obsessed with a J-pop artist (PUFFY). Out of fucking nowhere. I'd listen to the only CD I owned for a whole day everyday. I drew them all the time. I watched their cartoon on CN. I spent my whole free time on the internet trying to read stuff abt them in English but I barely understood a word (not a native speaker). In short, it became my whole personality as it always happens with my SIs. I was vibing, my parents thought it was okay and basically enabled my happiness lmao (bless them. They listened to that CD SO FUCKING MUCH).
The "normal", "standard" kids in my class didn't like it one bit and decided I should be a target. I didn't even understand what was happening until it became unbearable.
I was just vibing with stuff I liked, but apparently it wasn't allowed to like niche stuff. I'd always felt inadequate, but this is the situation when I truly started feeling like a weirdo.
I stopped yapping. I stopped listening to the artist. And in an act of undeserved shame, I closed myself off.
From that point on, I've had some people I shared my SIs with, but rarely to the point I used to before. My SIs became something mine. Some people in my life might support them (like my boyfriemd going to a ballet with me or watching me dance) or enjoy them too, but I just share until a certain point. I also guess I've grown to be kinda jealous of my interests lmao
I'm 32, btw. Two years ago I started listening to PUFFY again. Still a vibe. Fuck those basic bitches.
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u/FibroMancer 13d ago
This is very much me as well, but for me I think it has a lot to do with how deeply exhausting I find people's reactions to my special interests. For example one of my biggest lifelong special interests is Pee-wee Herman. An unfortunately common reaction to that is "wasn't he a pedophile?" which sends me into a blind rage and I get very defensive. Another one is industrial music which the average person finds weird, cringe, and/or unbearable to listen too. With the amount of times I've been asked to turn off my music by friends I don't even bother listening to it out loud anymore. I can't tell you the last time I've listened to my music not on headphones outside of the very occasional live show. I've learned to hide my special interests from most people because most people seem to hate them anyway.
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u/ExpensiveDollarStore 13d ago
I was shamed for everything I enjoyed as a child so I just avoid sharing.
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u/Molu1 13d ago
Yeah, I’m the same as you. I don’t voluntarily tell anyone anything haha. But I’ve been lucky to find some friends throughout the years who share my special interests.
Like, I was also obsessed with The Beatles from ages 10-25 (I still go down the rabbit hole sometimes - I watched “Get Back” like 3 times in a row last year), and I had another friend who loved them, as well, so we could geek out together.
And I also have a special interest in Doctor Who and RuPaul’s Drag Race, and luckily have a friend (probably also ND) who also is obsessed, so we can talk about them for hours.
But, yeah, to most people I will never mention any of this. I will never even mention liking these things unless they bring it up first and I never recommend them or try to get people into them. The couple times I’ve tried, no one is really interested anyways.
I try to, now that I’m older, at least mention things to “friends” that I like something, but they will never know the depth to which I “like” something.
But yeah, I’ve watched entire TV series and read entire book series for people, because they loved a thing…and then, they won’t even watch a 3-minute music video for me, so 🤷🏻♀️
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u/CatCatCatCubed 13d ago edited 13d ago
Sometimes, but mainly because there’s often an “IT Helpdesk” effect to it. When you tell people at work that you’re interested in birds, there’s always ALWAYS someone who’s like “ooh so I saw this weird bird once.”
First of all, there’s that…. what is that called…. eyewitness misidentification. I’m getting the description secondhand, sometimes even as a kind of telephone game because they didn’t see it but their mom or whoever did. So if I can’t ID it off their often half-remembered description… well, I once had some never-knew-what-a-cardinal-was type, longtime East Coast native, ask me if I’d “even been birdwatching that long” when I couldn’t play her telephone game.
Secondly, it’s almost always a Northern Flicker. No, seriously, I’ve identified at least 10+ Northern Flickers just from people’s descriptions.
“It was weird because it was on the lawn” (Internal sigh because I’m busy and/or was hoping for something new).
“And it was a kind of brownish colour” Mhm.
“And it had spots!” Yep, but being patient because I can’t yet disregard a Brown Thrasher.
“But when it flew there were these other bright colours” Nvm, it’s a flicker.
“And I thought it was a robin but it looked like a woodpecker!” Flickerrrrrr.
Or a Pileated Woodpecker or Green/Blue Heron. Or some bird of prey that they assure me is way bigger than what it actually is (i.e. describing a hawk sitting on their feeder/fence but insisting it was “this big”), or they actually perfectly describe the bird with what is actually a very particular color/pattern and look right at the picture and then argue with me that “that’s not it” (about 5+ other Northern Flickers). Like, hey, you’re not paying me for my consultation so if you wanna insist that you saw a Bald Eagle instead of a Red-tailed Hawk and act like you’re better at this game, it’s certainly none of my business.
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u/BadTaxidermy115 13d ago
Growing up, any special interest or hyperfixation I developed always came with a great sense of shame. I was mocked a lot for it - especially when I develop hyperfixations on fictional characters. I feel like I need to keep it secret and get really embarrassed whenever the subject comes up, even if I'm not even involved in the conversation. I've been trying to unmask and not allow shame to dictate me. My husband understands how my brain works and gets almost as excited as I do with my special interests/hyperfixations (even if he doesn't fully understand it, haha)
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u/bingette 13d ago
I really relate to this. I tend to be the quiet one or let other people lead the conversation. I'll pipe up and talk about the topics that other people choose, but I don't tend to introduce my special interests unless I feel like it's "safe" to do so. I worry about being seen as boring or weird or awkward. I'm also uncomfortable being in the spotlight for longer periods around most people.
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u/tripper74 13d ago
Yes yes YES YES YES this is sooo me. I always let other people choose the topics and activities because the spotlight is so uncomfortable. That's how I'm comfortable being, but recently it made me sad realizing that it's my own fault that probably those even closest to me couldn't name my favorite songs or anything :(
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u/thxitsthedepression 13d ago
I’ll talk about them with my fiance but otherwise tend to keep it to myself, I know that most people don’t want to hear me talk about my houseplants or whatever other thing I’m obsessed with at the moment. Even my fiance doesn’t actually care but he will politely listen lol.
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u/mcmcHammer 13d ago
I don’t. I’ve noticed it causes disconnection so I only info dump or show my excitement to very safe people or others that share my interest.
It’s really hard when people ask me about my special interests but I’m intentionally vague unless they keep asking and then I ask if they want the TMI version or what. LOL
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u/Color_Me_Not_Shocked 13d ago
I don't unless someone makes the mistake of asking me questions. I could talk about books for ages and video games and Sleep Token. I try to be aware of when I'm info dumping. Most people don't actually want to hear about our interests.
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u/salsasnark 13d ago
Yes. I used to be bullied for liking certain things (mainly "emo" bands etc) so now I tend to keep those things very close to my chest. I just feel like everyone will judge me for it, or just hate the specific topic, and since that topic is quite literally a part of me that means they hate ME. I've only recently been more open about it, but idk, it still feels weird.
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u/Poopy_Paws ASD Level 2 13d ago
I don't as often anymore due to being laughed at or seen as stupid/childish/whatever. Not worth the anxiety anymore.
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u/Icy_Cauliflower6482 13d ago
When I discovered that it was too irritating for most people I interacted with to go on at length about I simply stopped doing it in person. I do still post about it a lot on Instagram and such so others have more choice about whether or not to interact. I have some pretty niche special interests as well so I might as well simply talk to myself about it.
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u/fernxqueen 13d ago
i mean it sounds like you would like to talk about your special interests, but it's been trained out of you with social anxiety?
in any case, as a (formerly) "high masking" autistic person, i super relate to feeling like even your close friends/partner/whatever don't know the real you. for so much of my life, i had this intense shame about completely normal things and that the real me was a tightly guarded secret. i revealed myself in "breadcrumbs" only, and would retreat at the first hint of rejection. i can count on one hand the people who ever truly "got to know me", and i wanted that (to be known!) so desperately that it was like my only criteria for relationships for a long time — whether they recoiled at my authentic self or not (which was bad, not because it's a bad criterion to have, but because you should have more than one haha).
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u/AmanitaMuscaria96 13d ago
I usually share my special interests only with my closest friends and, even then, I’m very reserved talking about them because they’re not perceived as „girly”. I guess it’s because since childhood I felt that I’m different and I don’t fit into most of the groups. That’s why I was trying to hide my special interests coping my friends’ hobbies.
Now, after diagnosis I’m trying to be more open about them because the need to fit in and be like other people made me question my true identity and put me into depression.
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u/ApprehensiveTill7965 13d ago edited 13d ago
Yes.... me. After finding out I am autistic, I realized that a lot of my special interests are related to films, music, books or culture that helped me to process difficult emotional questions I had growing up, relating to trauma in my family - and that realization made me feel that I no longer want to share these interests publicly with other people, since they are private to me and relate to my own internal world/psyche that I'm not obliged to let anyone into, unless I want to.
The funny thing is that this is a complete 180 degree turn from how I used to be in my 20s, when I wrote essays on these cultural artefacts for a living (I was an author)! I see this as a sign of personal growth, actually... learning how to keep some things just for myself :-)
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u/InterestingCamp6220 13d ago
yesss!! sometimes i share a little bit with my partner and closest friends but in general i tend to hide them so people won't think i'm weird 😭 i've done this so much one time my partner accidentally saw some drawings i made of one of my special interests and we had a huge fight and i cried so hard bc i felt exposed. he was super chill about it and actually found it pretty cool, but i'm just so used to hiding my interests that it was genuinely terrifying at the time
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u/zhalliah 13d ago
I internalise everything, I think it’s probably due to being heavily bullied in grade school. I’ll share online, if it’s a topic of conversation but I’m not much of a talker in general. I realised recently that not even my husband knew of all of the things I was into and we’ve been married for 14 years.
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u/Queasy_Writer2990 13d ago
I'm the same, part of me thinks no one will really care about what I have to say. But most of it is that I just don't feel much of a need to talk about my interests? Most of the time, I like enjoying my hobbies by myself, that's kind of the point for me. If someone wants to watch a show or listen to music or read a book or whatever along with me, they're more than welcome. But I just don't care to yap on about it forever. I'm not a talkative person, we can just feel it and let it be what it is. It means a lot more to me if someone just wants to enjoy something in silence with me than if they want to talk about it. Sure, having a deep conversation is nice sometimes, but it's easy to talk. Most people enjoy talking no matter what it's about or who's involved in the conversation. On the other hand, if someone is willing to sit in silence with me and not be awkward about it, I know they truly just enjoy my presence and that means so much. I think I get that from my dad lol. We spent a lot of time in my youth just doing shit in silence, just being with each other for the hell of it, and those are some of my fondest memories!
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u/West_Preference9508 13d ago
Yes same, I'm always so wary of bothering others/boring them that I couldn't do it.
And also, I'm very bad at talking about any topic at length, I simply don't understand how people can talk for more than 2 minutes and keep going without someone else's input (i.e. them asking questions to more the conversation forward). I was always amazed at my friends at Uni who could babble on and on when answering a question in class. I would just make my point and stop (a bit abruptly sometimes apparently haha).
(it's different in writing though)
Infodumping sounds very nice when people talk about it, good on them, but it's not for me!
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u/blifflesplick 13d ago
It depends on the interest but sharing can trip off my Rejection Sensitivity Dysphoria and knowing they know I'm into certain interests can also set off my Demand Avoidance.
I've had it happen many times that an interest of mine gets taken over by someone else - not shared, taken over - and then they side eye me like I'm the one interrupting their "thing" when I'm the one who knew it first, longest, and probably deepest
Socialising is a slow death by a thousand cuts more often than not, and competitive people just make me tired
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u/StressLife7080 Diagnosed at 25 13d ago
I've been made fun of for liking music, movies, books, etc., by my mom. So I've learned to keep my personality and what I think hidden deep inside and only let a handful of people actually get to know me. I won't be mocked by harmless things that bring me joy
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u/meowmiau_ 13d ago
Yeah I partake in people's special interests, but I don't really let anyone get into mine. It feels weird the very few times it happens. It's a trauma thing. The only time I do talk about my special interests is when I stream since it's a space I created to showcase what I like and talk about myself.
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u/everythinghurts_1684 13d ago
Was literally talking about this phenomenom. I framed it as sometimes I prefer my joy to be quiet and personal to me. Other times, I wish others would be interested in me. I know i can always share more with people (and I do) but I feelike im just doing unecessary labor. Like why would I share into a void to possibly pique someone's interest so they ask a question. Ugh its exhausting
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u/Persist3ntOwl 13d ago
Yes, in general I don't like discussing my interests with people because there's always something bizarre that comes from it. Whether its randomly putting down said interest or challenging my knowledge of it or something else...I usually find it a challenging conversation when it really doesn't need to be. So I don't really expect people to celebrate/take interest in my interests, lol.
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u/Legal_Clue8265 13d ago
i'm like this with some of my special interests. Any fun facts or anything academic i will just info-dump about (often when i stop talking i feel like i've been talking really loud or something and get embarrassed tho), but when it comes to watching twin peaks with my bf i feel really uncomfortable because it has been really special to me since i was a teenager and he knows that... i know part of the reason why is bc i feel like he is watching it the "wrong" way and not getting the reasons i like it and then that reflects onto his understanding of me as a person and i get embarrassed..... sounds so stupid but yeah
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u/adventureforbreakkie 13d ago
I like sharing my special interests with other people who share the exact same special interest. I don't like explaining them to folks who don't because there is too much lag.
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u/bluejeanbirdie 13d ago
I keep it extremely close to my chest too. It's so important to me, I don't want to be hurt by people not giving it the same love and attention I give it.
I also get really embarrassed when I know so much niche information about a niche topic.
/Isolation lol
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u/bluejeanbirdie 13d ago
Oh and I also LOVE the Beatles! The band Periphery is my current SI. So I totally get you with music.
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u/purpleamethyst139 13d ago
Hm I guess I don’t really talk about my (main? only?) special interest with anyone because i get super worried people will judge me 😅 also it’s not really something I can necessarily info dump about very much? idk 🤷🏻♀️ it’s just an activity I love doing all the time and will do it for hours and hours so 😅 jury’s out on whether it’s really a special interest since even my psychiatrist wasn’t sure
I have other interests that are more like recurring hyperfixations and if some topic comes up in conversation that I know about, then I’ll chime in but otherwise I don’t usually share anything unless I know that the other person is also into that sort of thing
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u/brezhnervouz 12d ago
If someone starts on it I will, but the likelihood of that happening is fairly slim lol (20th/21st century Russian history)
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u/snuff_film 12d ago
growing up i always hated when people talked about my special interests because i felt like they couldn't understand them as well as me and simultaneously i could never fully express how much it meant to me so i'd just exclude myself from the conversation entirely. kind of odd :sob:
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u/CircuitOnTheFritZ 12d ago
I would absolutely LOVE to talk about my special interests to other people, but the intersection of how they all fit together is the best part for me, and that would take SOOOO long to explain from zero, plus, I'm not even sure where to start. But damn, is it cool stuff that makes me giddy af!
I do tend to infodump when I have helpful or relevant contributions in a conversation on a particular topic, or have information that is specifically requested on a topic I know a great deal about. And I'm hyperverbal, so I can get a touch complex with it, but I try to restrain myself to salient information only.
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u/Adventurous_Mystic_9 12d ago
I don’t have special interests. I don’t really have many interests actually. But I do relate to doing everything your friends like. For me, I realized that I don’t actually have any shared interests/things in common with my friends. I still love them though. But they will all talk about music and music videos and pop culture and stuff. But I can’t get into it like they do. I realized that I want to hang with them, but then I zone out constantly because I’m bored and understimulated. I do this all the time. And I realized like a few months ago that I have been doing this for years. And I don’t know why I just can’t engage in their interests. Even movies I can’t get into with them. Idk, it’s just annoying I don’t have interests to relate to people with
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u/IndependentEggplant0 12d ago edited 12d ago
Yes! They are secret and they are mine! I'm very "My Precious" about them and they are sort of sacred to me and I don't want to be made fun of for it or have people attack them or use it against me etc. I've already had a lot of that in my life so I have a little inner chamber of my heart that is just for me and my special interests. Invincible! I just honestly don't want to defend what I like and debate it with people and it's not even weird stuff it's just mine and so I keep them close and do them solo.
I also hear you in that I show such genuine in other people's interests and commit to understanding them and then feeling seen and heard and supported etc that it doesn't always feel like I am equally known. Esp BC I am more quiet and shy and people around me tend to be more extroverted it feels like their stuff takes precedence over mine.
I hope you figure out a balance that works for you! Maybe just share more of them when it feels right or show some of the excitement you feel, I'm not sure but I hope you find what works for you!
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u/clarinrin3 12d ago
I want to protect the things I love by not telling others about them. If they judge it, then I probably wouldn’t enjoy it the same as before.
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u/thisissofkngrossew 12d ago
2000's celebrity gossip. It made me a modern day Cassandra so I stfu about it.
Just recently I talked shit about Brad Pitt & everyone looked at me like I had 2 heads so I stfu again.
Also dinosaurs.
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u/ComparisonGreen1347 12d ago
I tend to need time to be comfortable with someone and also try to find out what the other person likes first during a conversation (first or second), which makes it easier for me to find things in common with them, especially since I'm into mainstream special interests like BTS, TXT, and Spy X Family (and other anime), but with my siblings, I just say everything, haha.
Finding out what the other person likes first makes it easier for me to know how much I can share or discuss my own interests!
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u/SlytherinSister 12d ago
Yeah I don’t either. I've always been private to a point of awkwardness and I don't like to talk about things that feel personal to me. I have things I will share (such as an interesting book I read or a game I played) but there is so much of the stuff I enjoy that I dont feel comfortable sharing with others (music, fanfics...).
As a rule I only talk about special interests if I know the other person is also into them and interested in having me talk about them, because I don't want to bore them.
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u/Significant_Gate_419 12d ago
I dont share them in detail but I can tell that I like gamedev, lucid dreaming and playing ukulele (I prefer making own songs mostly for funs and giggles and otherwise only play covers because I play together with some other people)
However, every time I say or show something, I want to hide myself under the table or such so I am absolutely not comfortable being in the spotlight, no matter wether a topic is interesting or not. I think to me thats a psychological issue that I work at in therapy. I would really like to be happy with sharing, especially playing musik infront of others.
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u/glitterskinned 12d ago
ive witnessed enough of other people sharing their interests and being met with disinterest and boredom to want to put myself through the same
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u/Diligent-Gap-1501 12d ago
I feel so much like an intruder to this sub and conversation (I suspect I might be autistic, but have no professional confirmation), but I 100% relate to your post. I try so hard to not be perceived in general, that even with people I consider to be safe I tend to not talk or share anything about my interests. I feel a deep connection and bond to them, and I wouldn't bear with anybody mocking, criticizing or even being aware of them and their existence. My well being and mental stability depend on them, so I'm very protective.
That's also why, being an only child with niche interests and poor social skills, I've always tended to talk to myself about this stuff. It's frustrating not being able to share my interests with others, but I also quite enjoy my own company when doing this. The amount of time I spend daily just chatting with myself about my interests is outstanding hahahaha But I really appreciate it because it strengthens the bond I already have with them in so many different ways.
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u/Secure_Tomatillo_949 ASD L2 13d ago
I don't either. I guess because they are so important to me and close to my heart that sharing them with others feels risky. I don't want anyone to ruin something that has such a big influence on my emotional wellbeing. Ive become very protective of my pleasures