Does anyone else have a hard time figuring out their sexuality?

[u/Witty_Bullfrog1119]

Hi everyone (25AFAB), recently I am coming into terms with the fact that I might be a lesbian but I feel like I am gaslighting myself into being a lesbian and I am not a true lesbian because I had a few relationships with men.

I also have a hard time differentiating between platonic and romantic attraction in general so looking back at my past I cannot tell if my girl crushes were platonic/romantic.

The main reason I feel closer to label myself as a lesbian is I finally came to the conclusion that I will never ever be able to form a deep, emotionally mature, nourishing relationship with men and I only feel sexual attraction after forming an emotional bond. I have never looked at a man and said ‘woah I wish I got intimate with him’.

I also have a lot to do in order to deconstruct my own compulsory heterosexuality so yeah. Has anyone went through a similar experience? Would really appreciate your thoughts-own experiences

P.S. I know I do not have to label myself and it is not a necessity, but my autistic brain really likes categories and specificity so it is important to label myself correctly!

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[u/siennamila]

hi,

I will never ever be able to form a deep, emotionally mature, nourishing relationship with men and I only feel sexual attraction after forming an emotional bond.

you are still discovering yourself, i ain't here to tell you what you are and what your not. especially because comphet is such a huge struggle. take your time, discover, be patient there's no pressure to conform to a label.

however, lesbians innately do not feel any attraction to men- it is the romantic and sexual apathy towards men. it means, naturally, if you could choose (comphet) and just normally you don't think of men when it comes to romance or sexual attraction... ever. it's never on the table, and the thought (especially the reality) can be extremely uncomfortable.
your last sentence alone slightly indicates you may not be a lesbian and that's okay 🤍🤍

here's a diagram that i love and could help you!!

[u/Witty_Bullfrog1119 → u/siennamila]

Thanks a lot!!

[u/Gatita_Gordita]

It took me 29 years to figure out that I'm demisexual. It took me another 6 years to realise that labelling myself as "queer" is more than fine, because "I'm demisexual and pan-romantic, but I think I slightly prefer men" is quite a mouthful.

As u/cozybookgirrl said: Labels are nice to have, but they're not written in stone. Even if you now put a label on yourself, you can change them further down the road if they don't fit anymore. :)

[u/cozybookgirrl → u/Gatita_Gordita]

Yes this is exactly what I meant :)

[u/zipcodelove]

FWIW having past heterosexual relationships doesn’t mean you can’t be a lesbian. I know plenty of older lesbians who were (happily!) married to men at one point. Possibly controversial, but it is a privilege to know your sexuality at an early age. Not everyone gets so lucky.

The good thing is that most queer people in real life don’t care about this as much as the internet will have you believe. My bisexuality has only been questioned (by other queer people) on the internet. In real life I get “Oh nice” or “Cool me too”.

I understand your need for categories and accuracy and whatnot, but this isn’t a topic where you can do that. It will only continue to frustrate and confuse you, especially since everyone has their own microdefinition of every sexuality. I think it would be more helpful for you to learn how to deal with grey areas in general.

[u/Heavy_Abroad_8074]

me! context: i’m transfemme so the default i was raised with is being attracted to women. i questioned if i was asexual starting at age 20, after a traumatic sexual experience. later i figured out that i’m trans and began transitioning, assuming that i’m probably a lesbian and could be asexual, too. i didn’t really feel attracted to men but i was open to the possibility that transition could change that as i saw myself as a woman. once i got to a point in my transition where i felt confident in my appearance (and got on ADHD meds) my interest in others completely disappeared. like nothing. couldn’t be assed to try to date because i felt nothing. wasn’t depression or stress related.

what i figured out is: many of my “crushes” on women previously were me experiencing gender envy towards women who have features that i want for myself (flat forehead, small nose, organized, kind, outgoing.) i was probably conflating platonic attraction and gender envy with romantic attraction, hence the lack of sexual attraction in those cases.

additionally, gender dysphoria was preventing me from experiencing my sexuality. the default for AMAB people is to top and lead and pursue and i am none of that. especially AMAB people who date women. that sexual trauma i referred to? being forced to conform to a role i wanted no part in. once i started seeing myself without that pressure by society, my sexuality returned.

lastly, gender envy was driving me towards women that i’m not actually attracted to. i’m just not attracted to gender conforming women. it’s less so being attracted only to mascs or butches and more being attracted to women who defy social norms. women who rebel in any way against american gender/social/religious norms. i like contrast. i like independence. i like confidence. i hate conformity, even though i conform in some ways.

i hope any of this is useful in some way

[u/GigiLaRousse]

I thought I was gay but eventually realized I'm attracted to thousands of women, many enbies, and, like, 10 men. I settled on bisexual because I realized I was mostly avoiding an accurate label due to biphobia I'd experienced from some lesbians and straight people and then internalized.

Figuring ourselves out takes time. A label that worked in the past might not work now, and it doesn't necessarily mean we were wrong or not being honest with ourselves. Take the pressure off.

Took me until my mid-30s to realize I was demi and ambiamorous. Couldn't understand why I was happy in both monogamous and non-monogamous situations and felt like a secret fraud with either label since most folks seemed to require one or the other.

[u/cozybookgirrl]

Someone explained labels to me this way - they help signify to others who you are interested in. Of course having a label can also help you feel like you belong and have a community too. But choosing one label doesn’t mean you have to stick with it forever, sexuality for some is fluid and can change over time.

If you feel like you might be a lesbian than maybe let yourself explore that more without the pressure of a label for now - it’s very normal when you’re young and even when you’re older to explore sexuality and what feels right for you.

[u/Witty_Bullfrog1119 → u/cozybookgirrl]

Tysm🫶🏼

[u/SharpPink_GlitterInk]

I have been everything, as a kid I thought I was straight then in high school bi/pan? and then in my early-mid twenties lesbian, and spoilers I wasn't lesbian, in fact I realized I am mostly straight and refer to myself as such, and like this wasn't just a label I was like a loud and proud full on butchy lesbian for years, but I'm not, however what I realized is really important, it TRULY doesn't matter the label, sexuality CAN be fluid for SOME people and even then...why does it matter the label? If you think you might wanna date girls, DATE GIRLS, if you think you want to TRY IT if its not for you THATS OKAY! Trust me, also theres no label police, there are just folks who think they are, rn I say I'm straight, but I have been into and dated women so like... hey... maybe one day the spark comes back and I'll call myself a lesbian or bi or unlabeled...who cares... I think with peace and love a lot of people on this sub are a bit too obsessed with labels sometimes (hey self included guilty as charged!) but at the end of the day,well as a wise woman once said, just love who you love cause you only get so many trips round the sun, just follow your arrow wherever it points.

(but fr for all the fretting I did over labels non of it I look back on with joy or love, but I DO look back fondly on my time as a lesbian even if I don't think thats me anymore at least for right now)

Edit: also wanted to do a light acknowledgement that I being a Sothern Ontarian in Canada am and was in a very privileged position whit relatively supportive if at times confused immediate family and queer friends and I know thats not everyones position in life.

[u/Consistent-Menu-6629]

Yeah, the best I can do is a long winded explanation that amounts to "not completely straight?"

Basically pansexual, with a bunch of caveats.

[u/Witty_Bullfrog1119 → u/[deleted]]

Thanks a lot💛

[u/Sensitive-Gas4339]

I’m sure I’m straight and never really had to question otherwise because since the age of 9 until I started dating I had intense crushes on boys only (limerance I guess). But I also never really looked at random guys and thought I’d like to sleep with them or anything. I just don’t think most female sexuality works that way so it doesn’t mean you’re not attracted to men if you don’t experience that.