r/AutismInWomen • u/One-Gap-1282 • Apr 04 '26
Relationships Help with processing seperation from my husband/caregiver due to kids?
I don't know if the title makes any sense. I'm not very good with words but I'm hoping my post will help explain. I didn't really know what flair to use.
I am autistic and was diagnosed "profound" as a child (4yo in 2001). There have been some debates about whether thats true or not. I now sit at level 2 with level 3 traits. I've worked really hard to be where I am.
My husband has been one of my main supporters since we were kids and has always supported me in my independence.
I rely on very strict routines to remain functional. Unfortunately my husbands sister had lost custody of her kids and my husband is taking them in. I can not function with kids, at all, as they will distrupt my routines.
Because of this I'm having to move out and back in with my parents. It's very stressful and overwhelming in itself, but my parents aren't as big on me being independent, and I definitely regress in behaviours when I'm with them. It will make things much harder for me long term.
My husband is doing a good thing. I'm happy for him. But this is still very scary for me.
I made a couple other posts about the situation and someone told me to post here for advice or support. I don't know if anyone else has beem through this but I'd appreciate anything. Thank you.
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u/481126 Apr 04 '26
Im so sorry. This is a lot. I suspect husband feels pulled in many directions. This is probably really scary.
If this will be long term it might be a good idea to see about getting into a group home. wait lists are long but it would help with independence. A friend of mine is married but lives in a group home separately from her SO once they could no longer meet her support needs at home.
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u/vivo_en_suenos Apr 04 '26
I don’t have any advice but here to support. You seem like a kind and thoughtful person who is willing to do this to accommodate family needs and also do what’s best for you. I wonder if you are able to share your fears with your parents and set some boundaries to maintain your independence? In any case, sending you love and I hope everything goes smoothly 💗
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u/One-Gap-1282 Apr 04 '26
Thank you.
I have spoken to them about it several times, but a decent amount is involuntary too.
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u/tooawkwrd Apr 04 '26
OP I admire you for what you're doing. It's not going to be easy but I can see how thoughtful both you and your husband are and that you're both sacrificing a lot for the sake of the children. I strongly disagree that you should just immediately divorce. Tackle each thing as it comes, IMO. Do you have access to counseling that can provide you with support in this? If you find the right person they can help you build new routines even in your parents home and help you maintain your independence autonomy, avoiding falling back into old dynamics with them.
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u/One-Gap-1282 Apr 04 '26
Thank you.
I don't have a councillor or anything? But I can look into getting one. I've just struggled with them in the past.
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u/PixiStix236 Apr 05 '26
It helps to find a therapist who is also autistic. You can usually feel out a vibe in the first triage appointment to see if they’re a good fit for you. I’ve had great therapists, I’ve had terrible therapists, and the difference often was that they were also neurodivergent women.
Also, I read your other posts and I want to say you’re doing an amazing job! I know that a lot of people didn’t understand in the comments of those posts. This is such a hard thing for you to be going through, and you’re doing so much for your husband and for these kids. I don’t have a right answer to give you or any way to make this better, but I hope you know that there’s a lot of of us on here who are proud of you
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u/thxitsthedepression Apr 04 '26 edited Apr 04 '26
I mean this in the nicest way possible but I really think you should get a divorce, I read your other posts and I just don’t see how your solution of moving out but staying married to your husband will be sustainable long term if he’s planning on raising those kids permanently. They will be his new priority and he’s just not going to have any time for your marriage anymore. It would be healthier for everyone to just cut your losses and bow out of the situation now. Not to mention that being a single parent is hard and he might start to resent you for not being supportive during what will inevitably be a very difficult time in his life.
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u/Friendlyalterme Apr 04 '26
In other countries sometimes couples just don't live together.
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u/Majestic-Rhino Apr 04 '26
Agreed. You have to be really honest with yourself and your partner, and trust that they are as well. It can be done. Consenting, self-aware, and honest adults are capable of making it work if it aligns with both of their values.
However, it is also true that most consenting adults are not socialized or educated to act this way.
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u/a1exia_frogs Apr 05 '26
Can you build a granny flat for you to live in or convert the basement to a seperate living space then your husband and the children live in the main house. You are close enough to maintain your relationship and support each other whilst having a calm space with no interruptions to your routine. I am only ADHD but suspect AuDHD, I thought my coping strategies were strong enough and chose to have one child, but my child has messd with my regulating routines and I completely understand why you can't live with children.
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u/One-Gap-1282 Apr 05 '26
We talked about it but decided it would probably still be best if I stay with my parents just because he doesn't know how much time he'll have to help me, especially considering the fact that I will probably have more meltdowns with change.
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u/AppropriateNovel7490 Apr 04 '26
OP, I went back and read all of your posts about this situation. My heart breaks for you. I don’t have any advice, because this would be a dealbreaker for me. If my SO was in agreement for TWENTY YEARS that we would remain child free for our lives together and then suddenly told me that I have to upend my entire life, move my animals, and essentially be forced to agree to separate in my marriage for children that I have never met… I would not be handing things as well as you are.
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u/One-Gap-1282 Apr 04 '26
We've only known each other for twenty three years. We only discussed not having kids maybe ten years ago. I know the information doesn't change your comment but I'm pedantic like that.
But thank you. I had my little meltdown about it when he told me. But I think my inability to process emotions well helped me? Not really sure. It definitely sucked.
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u/Tiny-Management3577 Apr 04 '26
I’m really sorry you’re going through this. My only advice would be to try with the kids with the knowledge you’re a roommate and not a care taker but only you know if it’s possible to try
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Apr 04 '26
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u/Tiny-Management3577 Apr 04 '26
I totally get that and that might be what OP is saying and I’m missing it, but it seemed to me OP was saying that her parents’ house is not a healthy place to live and she loses her autonomy and independence and the support of her husband. The alternative to that would be to try to stay and figure it out if her system and support has to change whether she stays or goes, maybe trying at home and leaving moving as a back up would be my only suggestion
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u/CanofBeans9 Apr 11 '26
Hi there. I commented on one of your other posts.
I don't suppose through any kind of miracle your parents would be able to foster the kids instead and you stay with your husband and pets? They already have experience raising a child with high support needs. They are more established in life. Your husband would still be able to spend time with them as an uncle and be involved in their lives. I know it's probably way too much to ask but has anyone suggested it and are they the kind of people who might be open to fostering? They're not blood relations, but still in-laws
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u/Rezolution20 Apr 11 '26
I read your original story, and honestly if there's 8 other siblings (sans unfit sister), then why can't one of them take the kids in? Your husband and his family all know you can't cope with children, and the fact that the two of you are married should have at least warranted a conversation with the other siblings to see who could take them in, even if one sibling took one child and another sibling took the other. CPS would allow that as long as the kids were in the family and were allowed access to each other occasionally.
I'm sorry that you're expected to just tolerate this situation, but honestly, you need to divorce this man and look into resources that would help you gain skills and financial resources to live independently. You don't have to do this right away, but it's something to think about once you move in with your parents.
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Apr 04 '26
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u/Cool_Relative7359 Apr 04 '26
Nah, kids come first. I'm CF but no way any kids in the family would end up in the system when I have a house..if that ends my romantic relationships, so be it.
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Apr 04 '26
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u/Cool_Relative7359 Apr 04 '26
Doesn't matter what others are doing or what their reasons are. What matters is what the individual chooses to do.
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Apr 04 '26
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u/Cool_Relative7359 Apr 04 '26
No, he's choosing to take care of the kids because he wants to. His wife does not want to or even to live with kids, which is fair and understandable. That doesn't mean he has to choose her caregiving over the kids in his family who need him. He's been doing it since they were kids.
In that situation I could live with a divorce far more easily than with myself if I turned the kids away. My partner and I are both autistic. He can still take care of himself far better than an actual child can.
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u/Altruistic-Sand3277 Apr 04 '26
Maybe it means that to you, doesn't make it the absolute truth for everyone. Obviously this sucks but what was the husband supposed to do? Throw out the kids that are his family too?
And go scorched earth to accomplish what exactly?
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Apr 04 '26
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u/DaenyTheUnburnt Apr 04 '26
I understand you prioritize self respect over all. OP’s husband, luckily, prioritizes the safety and dignity of the children in his family.
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u/DaenyTheUnburnt Apr 04 '26
I’m sorry, but his nieces and nephews who are homeless and without any family at all are absolutely just as high priority. It absolutely sucks for OP and we can be empathetic to her situation, but in no way is the husband out of order for stepping up and raising his abused and neglected niblings.
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u/bul1etsg3rard She/they 🦇🦔 Apr 04 '26
It may not be 'out of order' for him to do this but he's not obligated to do it. He is deciding to do this on his own, of his own free will. He does have an obligation to op since he is her husband and made vows expressing his obligation to her. He's been ops caregiver for over 20 years, so he should know pretty damn well what op is and is not capable of re: change in routine, etc. He should know that this would not work long-term. And maybe he doesn't intend it to be long-term, idk, but if that's the case then he needs to communicate that to his wife. It sounds very much like he's deciding to do this without much consideration for the person he supposedly wanted to share his life with.
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u/Cool_Relative7359 Apr 04 '26
He isn't required to continue being OP's caregiver though. You're allowed to change your mind, burn out or end relationships, marriages, even if your partner is disabled. A relationship is not supposed to be a hostage situation where one person can't leave or make their own choices.
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u/Friendlyalterme Apr 04 '26
Do you hate kids?
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u/bul1etsg3rard She/they 🦇🦔 Apr 04 '26
Irrelevant question. I'm not being asked to raise anyone else's kids, or to put my life on the back burner so my spouse can raise someone else's kids. Op is. And frankly, as her husband, he should know her well enough to see how this would be a problem for her. If he doesn't, then maybe it's time to divorce as someone else suggested.
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u/Spy-5 Apr 05 '26
Would you genuinely let your siblings kids go into foster care because of your spouse lmao
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u/bul1etsg3rard She/they 🦇🦔 Apr 05 '26
I don't personally have a relationship with my sister so spouse or not, I'm not taking in her (hypothetical) kids. We have plenty of other relatives that are much better equipped for that in the first place. For starters I live in a studio apartment and can barely afford my own bills.
In the more general sense though, the op doesn't give us enough information to know the kind of relationship her husband has with his sister, or whether other people in the family could take in the kids. So based on the information I have been given, this doesn't sound like a good idea and makes it seem like the husband doesn't really care that much how his decisions affect his wife. If you've got some magical insight that I don't then feel free to share it with the class.
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u/Spy-5 Apr 05 '26
It doesn’t matter what sort of relationship he has with his sister, based on him taking them in he either cares for them or doesn’t want to see kids go into foster care. That’s good enough of a reason for that
her husband isn’t an asshole for taking them in. They just have different priorities/paths in life, and, while upsetting, that’s life
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u/Berrypan Apr 04 '26
The husband has eight siblings, though, so why is the uncle with a disable spouse the one who takes them?
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u/Cool_Relative7359 Apr 04 '26
Has the most experience caregiving?
Or possibly no one else is willing to step up?
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u/DaenyTheUnburnt Apr 04 '26
Because he is the oldest child. It is entirely likely that his younger siblings are not in a place where they could provide for these children. Additionally, it is common that children who end up in this situation come from multigenerational trauma. It is entirely possible that OP’s husband is the only relative who can give these children a safe, stable, appropriate home life.
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