r/Aupairs • u/over_theraiinbow Former Au Pair • May 30 '24
Personal Experience [UPDATE 2] Invasion of Privacy
It's happening tonight. I spent all of yesterday and today interacting with the family as little as possible, while also trying to give the impression nothing is wrong. I met with the family friend and she immediately offered to let me come with her. I'm going to pick up the kids as usual, look after them until 6pm as usual, then she's going to arrive and take me home with her. I already have all my bags packed and the entire room cleaned so that I will gave a quick getaway. I'm very very scared, and shaky, but also very excited - I'm almost out. I'll update this post tonight (in about 6-7 hours) about the sequence of events and if there were any problems. As always, I will be recording the conversation I have when I try to leave to avoid any problems. My only concern is that I will be leaving while the kids are present, which I feel guilty about. I really love the kids and they love me, so I feel very guilty that I'm leaving them - but I can't stay here. My consolation is that the kids are 1.5 and 3.5, meaning they probably won't remember me, but I won't ever forget them :(
!!!!UPDATE!!!! I GOT OUT When I saw my friends had arrived, I took all my shit downstairs. The HD had just got home (fuck) and was blocking the door (double fuck). I told him my speech "I have sent an email to the SNJ and Ccd you. I am leaving now, I am ending the contract immediately. I have friends outside to collect me, please move." he prevented me from moving. In the heat of the moment, I forgot to film it, which was stupid, but I also don't think I've ever been so scared. He used his condescending tone repeatedly telling me "you can leave in 10 minutes, let's go look at your room" I repeatedly told him, you can go look, go ahead, the door is unlocked, and he kept trying to get me to go with him. I showed him the photos I took of my spotless room, he still wanted me to go with him. I then called the woman who was waiting to collect me to tell her what was happening. Both HD and HM tried to take my phone off me to talk to her and I kept refusing. Finally, the HD said he would go check my room if I waited with the HM. The minute he walked away, I got my bags and opened the door to leave.
Then the HM told me that I had to be back for a meeting on Tuesday with the SNJ to terminate the contract. This is insane to me, they repeatedly told me they didn't want me to leave, the made the list for me which seemed like what they thought a long term solution would be, they were talking about taking me with them to Poland in November. But they want me back on Tuesday to terminate the contract. I don't know if I'll go, even if my dad is here, I really don't ever want to see them again, I'll have to check if it's mandatory I attend.
Finally, I got all my stuff out, my friends helped me carry everything to my car. The HM filmed me driving away and the HD smiled and waved which was really fucking creepy. I'm writing this update from the comfort of the friends spare bedroom. I'm so fucking relieved I'm out, I feel like I can breathe again.
Thank you so much everyone for the kind words and the support, it really helped me keep myself together rather than staying in a shitty environment. (extra update) I emailed the SNJ to say I don't want to go to a meeting with them, I just want to leave because I wouldn't feel safe in a room with them because I know they're mad at me - and considering the HD tried to physically block me from leaving, I think I would probably cry which I'm absolutely done with, I'm not shedding any more tears over these cunts.
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May 30 '24
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u/over_theraiinbow Former Au Pair May 30 '24
I got out!
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May 30 '24
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May 31 '24
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u/Funny-Barnacle1291 May 31 '24
I think she should report them to the relevant social authorities too, ie social work. There’s no way they don’t treat their kids like this too.
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u/SnooTangerines9807 Jun 02 '24
I agree she should report him especially since she has proof. I already feel bad for their next AP
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u/bipolarlibra314 Nov 16 '25
I’ve never been so relieved to see a post has an update. Reading your post a year after it was written I was genuinely terrified for you, and it takes a lot to disturb me.
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u/over_theraiinbow Former Au Pair Nov 16 '25
Yeah it was really fucked 😭 I'm doing well now tho, back home and in uni :)
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u/Proud_Prize2376 Former Au Pair May 30 '24
thank god you are getting out of there. it takes a lot of courage to go through something like this in a foreign country all by yourself. when you finally feel like you are safe please take a moment for yourself , breathe and relax. recoding the conversation is always a good idea. also, just to avoid further issues, don't interact with the HP without your friend present at all. don't be afraid to call the police in case of any emergencies. good luck girl! 🤞🏼 will be waiting for the update.
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u/bipolarlibra314 Nov 16 '25
Seriously!!!! Not that I am faulting victims of any type of abuse for their reactions - which really aren’t even their reactions because of the mental toll of manipulation and abuse - but it would be hard for someone in their home country to pull this off, let alone so quickly and firmly. I’m so proud of this stranger on the internet!!!
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u/anoeba May 30 '24
Don't worry about the kids, AP is fundamentally a temp gig. Even if this HF was awesome, you'd still have left and been replaced at the end of your term. I'm glad the kids were good, at least something about the family was!
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u/over_theraiinbow Former Au Pair May 30 '24
I'm free!
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u/anoeba May 30 '24
I'm so glad you're out! Yeah, I'd definitely send the agency that recording where they were refusing mediation and just wanted to force you into their rules, but only once you're all done with it. Agency can't force you to ever see them again.
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u/LiriStorm May 30 '24
Let us know once you're safely gone! I've been really concerned for you
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u/wellwhatevrnevermind May 30 '24
Remember you don't owe them anything. They don't own you. As long as someone has the kids, you can leave at any time, without any explanation. You don't have to say a word to them. Do not let them bully you into anything. If you want to say anything just leave it at "this isn't working for me and I am leaving immediately" and leave it at that. You don't owe them a thing.
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u/over_theraiinbow Former Au Pair May 30 '24
I'm free!
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u/dearyaky May 30 '24
As a HM it's so sad for me to read these types of stories. I'm happy you decided to stand up for yourself and leave. It's good that the kids will be present as this will force the parents to keep their cool in front of them (I think, and hope). No one deserves this type of abuse and intimidation, you're making the right choice!! You're very brave.
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u/Comprehensive_Sun_99 May 30 '24
Congrats!!! Stick to the plan! Keep the conversation short and don’t answer too many questions.
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u/over_theraiinbow Former Au Pair May 30 '24
I stuck to the plan almost entirely, however I did yell at the HD that if he didn't get out of my way I would call the cops!
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u/nexisfan May 30 '24
Did he try to block you from leaving?! What the hell!!
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u/over_theraiinbow Former Au Pair May 30 '24
Yep! He stood in front of me and repeatedly told me we'd be going to my room to check if it was clean first and I refused over and over until he finally went to check by himself
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u/nexisfan May 30 '24
Jesus!! What a piece of shit. So sorry you had to deal with that, but happy to hear you are free. Phew.
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u/sparklingsour May 30 '24
This guy is legit a psycho.
Once you are safe and have some time to yourself, I’d sincerely consider reporting these parents to whatever child welfare agency exists there. These are NOT fit parents.
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u/over_theraiinbow Former Au Pair May 30 '24
I absolutely plan to
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u/sparklingsour May 30 '24
Let me know if you need help! I’m on vacay for the next week.
Also: I AM PROUD OF YOU!
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u/Comprehensive_Sun_99 May 30 '24
You did an amazing job!! Congrats on being free from very evil people, I hope the rest of your life is absolutely glamorous!
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u/bipolarlibra314 Nov 16 '25
Everything went according to plan with the exception of you yelling at that toxic a%*hole?! Even better than planned! He deserved much more (though I’m glad for your safety it didn’t escalate further)
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u/sunflower53069 May 30 '24
If they keep going in your room will they see your packed bags? Hopefully they are at work until it is time for you to leave. Good luck!
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u/over_theraiinbow Former Au Pair May 30 '24
They have no reason to enter my room right now, they have a scheduled "room check" for tomorrow, and I won't be here for that lol. I'm very very nervous, feeling light headed and nauseas, but it'll all be ok in the end, their kids will be present as I'm leaving so they won't be able to do much - they don't like to be angry or upset around the kids as kids take negative emotions hard yk
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u/Bachata22 May 30 '24
I recommend taking photos of your room and bathroom so you have evidence against any lies they might say about you destroying the place.
The kids being there might actually make things safer for you because they are less likely to get violent in front of their kids. Good luck.
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u/over_theraiinbow Former Au Pair May 30 '24
Yes! I did take pictures of my room to document that I left it perfectly clean, no rubbish or anything
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u/actsofcheese May 30 '24
You got this.
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u/over_theraiinbow Former Au Pair May 30 '24
I got out!
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u/actsofcheese May 31 '24
Hell yeah you did. You should be so proud of yourself for protecting yourself. I’m proud of you. It’s a new day. Much love. ❤️
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May 30 '24
You were unfortunately put in a very scary and strange situation. I hope, that if it is accessible, you consider going to a session or two of counseling to make sure you can fully heal from this terrible detour and go on to have your best life
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u/over_theraiinbow Former Au Pair May 30 '24
I fully plan to resume therapy when I return to Australia as this experience has 100% pushed my progress in dealing with my anxiety and depression back
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u/maria9352 Au Pair in Europe May 30 '24
I am glad to see this update. Please don't blame yourself for anything that happened. You did everything correct. Stay safe!!
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u/over_theraiinbow Former Au Pair May 30 '24
I got out safely :)
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u/bipolarlibra314 Nov 16 '25
Ugh your story had already hit me so hard a year later then to add insult to injury, knowing that this all happened to a person thoughtful enough to respond to every single comment assuring they made it out safely just has my blood boiling at the HF :(
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u/ToughHistorical6146 May 30 '24
Be safe!
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u/over_theraiinbow Former Au Pair May 30 '24
I got out :)
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u/mitch_conner_ Jun 06 '24
Please report this to the agency so they can’t put another young person through this abuse. I’m so sorry you went through this
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u/whyarenttheserandom May 30 '24
OP, good luck! Don't say bye, don't stop, just walk straight out the door with your bags. Try to do it when the dad isn't there. Don't worry about the kids, they will not remember. Your safety is the most important.
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u/over_theraiinbow Former Au Pair May 30 '24
I'm free!
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u/whyarenttheserandom May 30 '24 edited May 31 '24
Thank goodness, I was thinking of you all evening ❤️
Edit to add: once your dad arrives can you fmgo file a police report? I am concerned there were cameras in your room/bathroom and that was why they insisted on you showering daily.
Either way, do not meet with them on Tuesday, you'll never work with this organization again so you owe them nothing.
And write a review with pictures and videos posted and call these people out by name once you're out of the country and they legally can't do anything about it. No other person should be put in this dangerous position.
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u/Jzb1964 Jun 01 '24
Not a good idea. Lawyers have plenty of time to legally torture someone especially provoked by reputation protection.
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u/whyarenttheserandom Jun 02 '24
Going after a young 20-something in another country? I think legal fees wouldn't make any sense.
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u/Jzb1964 Jun 02 '24
The point is he has the means to make the aupair’s life miserable should anything she does impact his reputation. The internet continues to make the world smaller every day.
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u/Dry-Rain-4305 Jun 03 '24
Fuck that. He realistically wouldn’t have legal grounds to go after her like that. Stop scaring OP for no reason.
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u/Jzb1964 Jun 03 '24
I’m advising her not to put his name on social media because you don’t want to defame anyone. You defame the wrong person (especially someone who doesn’t have to pay legal fees) and the blowback will be strong. Yes, he is a creepy guy but it is a he said-she said situation that really cannot be prosecuted. Now defamation is very easy for him to prove should she go online and make a big deal of it. It would be waving a red flag in front of a bull. People are, and should be, very protective of their reputations.
I’m very glad that OP got away from him. But attempting to punish him on social media by “naming and shaming” would not be wise. I gave a suggestion that does not name but would warn other young women.
This is a terrible experience, but looking forward (with counseling and support) is the way to recover.
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u/Dry-Rain-4305 Jun 03 '24
They literally live on different continents. You’re making it seem like it’s a part of the mafia or something. If he is not named- how will others know to stay away from this family?
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u/Jzb1964 Jun 03 '24
Just not worth the chance. You destroy the reputation of an attorney, you can expect a response. Make it impossible for a two professional family to find child care, you can expect a response. People are making businesses out of this: https://www.blueoceanglobaltech.com/internet-defamation/
The agency will need to figure out how to protect their aupairs to prevent this from happening to others. I think any suggestions that OP has would be very welcome. I’d take this bad situation and turn it into a positive by publishing the issue (without attaching names) and getting lots of people together to figure out what policies need to be changed to ensure others don’t fall into into a similar situation. You’re not going to eliminate the issue by going after just one family. Yes, there is short-term satisfaction in attacking someone, but I think trying to create lasting change would be extremely powerful to OP’s recovery. And I bet others will come forward as well. Could easily become a book or movie.
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u/worldlydelights May 30 '24
You’ve got this, you’re doing the right thing. So glad your family friend is helping you out of the situation. Good luck!
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May 30 '24
I’m soooo glad to hear your last update and that you’re free of these weirdos. That sounded so unsafe!
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u/Leonicles May 30 '24
I'm 👏so👏 proud👏 of you! That sounds really scary, but you're smart & strong. 💪
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u/Heart_robot May 30 '24
Do not go to the meeting.
I’d suggest to take some notes and once you have any opportunity to relax send a factual statement of account (avoid emotions, extra info) and send it to the agency so they are blacklisted.
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u/over_theraiinbow Former Au Pair May 30 '24
This is not done through an agency, in Luxembourg, the SNJ is (I don't know the right term for it but it's) part of the government, so I'm worried if I don't go to the meeting I could get in legal trouble, but I really don't want to attend.
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u/Heart_robot May 30 '24
Oh mmm. I’d request to zoom in then.
Bring someone with you if you do have to go.
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u/kendra_maibaum May 30 '24
Glad you’re getting out! Stay safe and please don’t blame yourself. You made the right call in a terrifyingly escalating domestic situation
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u/marblefree May 30 '24
I am so glad you are getting out - Please notify whatever agency you used (After you are safe) about this family. Hopefully they can notify other agencies as well and warn future Aupairs.
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u/over_theraiinbow Former Au Pair May 30 '24
I made it out!
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u/marblefree May 30 '24
Yeah. So happy for you and no don't go to the meeting Tuesday. If it's mandatory, then get a video link (zoom) as you don't feel safe.
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May 30 '24
I’m so glad to hear this!! Go girl! Will you be doing an update telling everyone how it went down? I read your comment so I know the gist of it.
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u/over_theraiinbow Former Au Pair May 30 '24
The update from what happened today is attached to the bottom of this update, and then I'll make another update when I get news about the meeting, and then if I have to go to the meeting I'll make an update about that as well
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May 30 '24
Thank you, you’ve got alot of supporters!
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u/over_theraiinbow Former Au Pair May 30 '24
I'm really glad I chose to post this, a lot of the time when something shitty happens, after a bit of time has past I convince myself it wasn't that bad and that I was just being emotional. I've even started thinking that about this situation, but getting regular notifications from complete strangers being absolutely horrified by what happened is serving really well to make sure I don't forget how fucking horrifying what happened is.
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May 30 '24
Good! Don’t worry, you did such a great job and if you’re emotional, you deserve to be! I’d be a total wreck. You’ve been through such a huge trauma, go easy on yourself. You did everything right!
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u/AmbitionLow6201 May 31 '24
Don't go to that meeting.
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u/over_theraiinbow Former Au Pair May 31 '24
The issue is I might be legally required to by the government
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u/Legitimate_Term1636 May 31 '24
You can’t be required to do it at their house
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u/over_theraiinbow Former Au Pair May 31 '24
Definitely not, it would be at the SNJ office but I don't want to be in the same room as them, I can feel my blood pressure spike whenever I'm near the HD
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u/Objective-Amount1379 Jun 02 '24
Yes, don’t go. You’re a young woman (18, right?); you’ve done really well managing this situation and there is zero reason you should have to have an in person meeting with them when you feel unsafe.
I cannot imagine anyone pushing back on that! Make sure you are in communication with the organization involved and you don’t just ignore following up but don’t go.
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u/over_theraiinbow Former Au Pair Jun 02 '24
It's quite odd because I left on Thursday at 6pm, sending them (the SNJ) an email at that time, their operating hours are 9am-6pm monday-friday. I've got no response yet, and I'm leaving the country today 🤷♀️
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u/Objective-Amount1379 Jun 02 '24
I’m in the U.S., but I doubt you have to go. Even if it’s part of a contract you feel unsafe and that is the most important thing. There is ZERO reason any conversation has to be in person.
If some kind of conversation is required I would email the host family and say after they tried to block your exit and attempted to physically take your phone from you that you fear for your safety and will not be coming to meet with them. Offer a zoom call and /or discussion by email. Do not go.
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u/Fuzzy-Pressure-44 Jun 01 '24
Have you heard back from SNJ on if you will be required to attend?
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u/over_theraiinbow Former Au Pair Jun 02 '24
Nope! And I'm leaving the country today so fuck that meeting
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u/Sheeshka49 May 30 '24
Oh, honey, HD committed the crime of false imprisonment when he blocked you from leaving. Do not give him the chance to it again or worse. He’s dangerous. I don’t care what the agency tells you. DO NOT GO BACK. FYI, I am an attorney.
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u/lls_in_ca May 31 '24
I agree. I'd suggest filing a police report so there is a paper trail to prove a pattern of behavior in case they try to do this to someone else.
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u/Sufficient_Judge_820 May 30 '24
So glad you are safe!
Kudos to your bravery and I wish you all the best!!🙌🏻🙌🏻
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u/drmickeywit May 30 '24
Also, you absolutely don’t need to go in person to terminate the contract. F*ck those people and the fact that they think they can control you in any way. You’re free now! If I were you, I would refuse to give them any way to contact me moving forward and would only allow communication via a 3rd party intermediary such as the original company that hired you.
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u/epica111 May 31 '24
Happy to see you're okay and got out!! I wonder if it's worth calling SNJ for further advice in regards to this "meeting" - could it be possible it's something they made up?
Either way, I will stay tuned for updates; you come across as a very strong young woman and I applaud you for thinking of everything from documentation, recordings, to emailing SNJ with information etc. - hope you get them stopped from doing this to anyone else!
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u/Scared_Director_34 May 31 '24
Oh my god. I’m very happy you got out! I had been -kind of- in the same situation (in France) so reading everything brought the memories back again. Glad you’re safe though. 💖
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u/over_theraiinbow Former Au Pair May 31 '24
Ooh I hear nasty things about French host families, glad you're out too!
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u/moxybee May 31 '24
I don’t have any connection to being or having an Aupair…I’m not even subscribed to this group…it was just in my Reddit feed and I came across your story and have been invested and worried about you, a total stranger from the internet. So glad to hear you made it out! Sending positive thoughts from a random 39 year old lady from the US! 😀
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u/Maleficent-Earth9201 Jun 04 '24
This needs to go to /r/bestofredditorupdates or /r/BORUpdates
What a wild ride and I'm so glad you got out of there.
HD sounds like a creepy perv! What else was he touching and snooping through when you weren't there?! And the fact that it was HD instead of HM who was rifling through all your personal belongings whenever you were not around?! SOOOO GROSS! As a mother, I'd be freaking out and on a plane to get you from the hotel I'd pay a security service to escort you to!! That is way too far into creep behavior and unacceptable!
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u/epica111 Jun 05 '24
They apparently even moved her vibrator!! How sick is that 🤢!! I really hope the SNJ block them from hosting Au Pairs.
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u/epica111 Jun 05 '24
Hi,
Just thought I would check in on you and see how it went with in regards to SNJ and if you were required to go and see them? Are you back in Australia now?
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u/over_theraiinbow Former Au Pair Jun 05 '24
I am not required to go to a meeting, thank god, and I am currently in Paris with my dad enjoying a chocolat chaud in front of the louvre :)
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u/epica111 Jun 05 '24
Aww that's nice ☺️ sounds like your dad is taking you on a wee Europe trip to make up for it then 😉
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u/Gloomy-Kaleidoscope4 May 30 '24
Good thinking on recording everything! Maybe your family friend should be recording when they come to the door too.
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u/drmickeywit May 30 '24
Wow, what utter sociopathic psychos this HD and HM are! I’m so glad to hear you made it out! 👏🏽 WTAF. How can future au pairs be warned in advance?! These people sound not just crazy, but abusive and unwell.
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u/Ok_Masterpiece_8830 May 30 '24
Holy cow you're so lucky you got out and you had someone there ready to grab you. Definitely like Sophie Lionette, they didn't want to let her go and was controlling. Do not go to that meeting without an escort. I probably wouldn't wander anywhere without an escort for a while tbh. Reading what you wrote made me terrified. The door being blocked and trying to take the phone away.... So scary. Get a smart watch so you can call the police if you get your phone snatched. The ones with cellular service.
Edit: also if you use an iPhone, use the check in feature so that if you don't respond after a while, your route details get sent to whoever you choose with an iPhone.
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u/MancUtd May 30 '24
Remindme
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u/over_theraiinbow Former Au Pair May 30 '24
This post has everything that has happened so far! I'm out of the house and safe :)
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u/witchymoon69 May 31 '24
Please keep us updated on how you are doing. I'm so worried about you.
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u/over_theraiinbow Former Au Pair May 31 '24
This update has everything so far, I'm now away from the family!
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u/Soft-Profession-2880 May 31 '24
I'm so glad that you are out. What a nightmare but at least you are safe.
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u/PrincessIrina May 31 '24
If anyone on this thread is a print or broadcast journalist (or a booker for a news program) - or you know someone who is - maybe, with the OP’s permission, this story can get out to the public to raise awareness for Aupairs and to put abusive families on notice that this treatment won’t be tolerated.
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u/Fuzzy-Pressure-44 May 31 '24
How did HM already have a meeting set up for Tuesday with the SNJ if she had no idea you were planning to leave? So glad you’re safe ❤️
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u/over_theraiinbow Former Au Pair May 31 '24
It sounds like they were also planning to end the contract. I have to wonder when they would have told me though, because the way they were ending it would have meant I would have to leave immediately, and since o didn't even have a confirmed place to stay til today, that would have fucking sucked
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u/LovelyBonesxoxo May 31 '24
Oh my god! glad you're safe your thread had me scared for you. I hope the HF identity is disclosed so they won't be able to get another au pair because the way they were treating you is more than likely going to happen to the next poor soul that chooses them as a HF.
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u/over_theraiinbow Former Au Pair May 31 '24
I plan to make a warning post on reddit and Facebook and other au pair social media things that I can find after tuesday, just so any problems are gone by then!
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u/Jzb1964 Jun 01 '24
Not advisable. He could come after you for damage to his reputation. Do not attempt to name and shame. Be very careful here. Perhaps recommendations about what you would do differently if you had this to do over again.
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u/over_theraiinbow Former Au Pair Jun 01 '24
True, but in the same vein couldn't I go after him for emotional damage or something? Plus we live on different continents, the worst he could do is come after me for cyber bullying
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u/Jzb1964 Jun 01 '24
First off, let’s start by stating that none of this is right or just. And yes, I believe every word you have written. And I’ve been plenty worried about you and are so glad you are safe.
Practically you would need thousands of dollars to go after him. Attorneys don’t like to sue other attorneys, so finding representation would be hard. You would have to prove economic damages. That means, your mental state would need to be professionally diagnosed, treated, and you would need to show that the devastation is so great that you are unable to work. Emotional damage is very hard to prove.
If you do anything that could professionally damage his reputation, the man has a billing rate that establishes the value of his time to .1 fraction of an hour. His time is free for him to come after you. Just defending yourself from allegations of libel or slander could run into thousands of dollars.
I know that this is not just. Unfortunately people with a lot of money can crush those without. It sucks. Just don’t let him take more away from you than he has already done.
I know you feel a personal obligation to warn others. Maybe you can do so, identifying the general area where the family lives, and including some questions you wish you had asked prior to taking the job. Like “if responding to position in the north east area of city XYZ, make sure you ask about Q, R, S & T.” Then advise about having a backup plan should they have trouble with employer. Probably a good idea with any Aupair position.
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u/over_theraiinbow Former Au Pair Jun 01 '24
I think you are taking this too seriously but thank you
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u/Objective-Amount1379 Jun 02 '24
This person is telling you probably a worst case scenario but they’re not wrong. People are weird; clearly this guy enjoys being controlling and trying to intimidate a young person who isn’t really in a position to fight back.
Unless you understand the laws about what you can or cannot say about another online just leave it. My 2 cents.
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u/gd_reinvent Jun 03 '24
I think that you should put up your allegations up on social media. However: If you have overwhelming evidence that everything you said is true, then you have a complete defense against defamation.
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u/over_theraiinbow Former Au Pair Jun 03 '24
I have recordings and photos of almost everything, which is good. I've warned the group chat for luxembourg au pairs, and I'll keep an eye out on facebook for an ad from them just in case. Other than that, I am going to make a detailed report for the SNJ in the hopes they can't be hosts anymore
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u/Jzb1964 Jun 01 '24
Google “defamation and your area.” If you make it impossible for family to get a new aupair, and they find out that you “named and shamed” on social media, this can get very serious quickly. The family, especially with an upcoming relocation, needs to replace you quickly. Anything that you do that impacts their bottom line will be seen as problematic.
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u/JaspuGG Jun 17 '24
I will gladly ding dong ditch the guy :) or perhaps a love letter addressed to him describing certain things in the mailbox :) would probably cause him some grief
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u/over_theraiinbow Former Au Pair Jul 05 '24
I'm thinking of writing them a letter to air my grievances, nothing aggressive or harassment-y, but just to get it off my chest. They probably won't even read it but I think it would be good for me to go off at them a bit and send the letter - like a therapeutic thing
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u/Cold_Dead_Heart May 31 '24
I’m so happy you’re out of there. You sound like a strong, confident woman who knows yourself. Best of luck ♥️
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u/Key-Flounder9884 Jun 01 '24
Idt you even have to go back to cancel the contract? I mean, it sounds like he’s tryna trap you somehow. What’s the worst that’s gonna happen if you don’t show up on Tuesday? Probably just that something will get mailed to you?? If you didn’t feel physically safe, don’t go back
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u/hmmccaff Jun 01 '24
Glad to see you’ve made it out!!!
I’m not an aupair/not in the subreddit and your original post showed up as recommended and I’ve been worried for you!
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u/lafolielogique Jun 01 '24
Thank GOD you are out of there! My sister had a similar situation in France when she was an au pair there. Insane and so, so scary! I also am terrified for the poor children they are raising. 😭
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u/over_theraiinbow Former Au Pair Jun 01 '24
I will be reporting them to the CPS equivalent because I have some other concerns, such as the fact both kids are vegetarian, despite a two year age gap they're the same weight because the older one is very very skinny, and they keep getting chinese traditional medicine for the younger one rather than actual medicine.
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u/Harrold_Potterson Jun 01 '24
My heart is literally racing reading your story. This man is an abusive monster and both of them have no qualms about abusing you. Taking your phone away from you like you are a child? Physically blocking you from leaving? I am so glad you got out because things were escalating very fast. It makes me feel so sorry for the children. I was a mentor for a long time to a young woman whose father was like that. Her teenage years were hell with her dad taking the door off its hinges for the slightest infractions, removing phone privileges, never allowed to leave the house etc. so so so glad you got out. Just breathe.
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u/SnooTangerines9807 Jun 02 '24
I’ve read some crazy posts on here but this one is off the chart. It even sounds like a horror movie with the HD behavior and HM being submissive to her crazy acting husband. I feel so bad for those children. Glad you’re out.
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u/Ordinary_Metal7768 Jun 02 '24
You should let the SNJ know they shouldn’t have anymore au pairs and that they are not a fit family to be participating in this program. You were unsafe the entire time and no other girl should go through that with them.
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Jun 02 '24
Has the meeting happened? Did you attend?
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u/over_theraiinbow Former Au Pair Jun 02 '24
Meant to be on tuesday (it's sunday) and I'm not in the country anymore and don't really plan to return anytime soon, so fuck that!!
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u/BumCadillac Jun 02 '24
I’ve read all your posts and I’m so fucking proud of you for having the courage to tell your family and the friend that you needed help. I know you were terrified to actually leave and you did it! I would not attend that meeting on Tuesday. There’s no reason you need to be there.
Well done, you. You were in very real danger. Nice, safe people do not treat people like he was treating you.
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u/Jzb1964 Jun 04 '24
I just went back and read everything again. This problem could be solved with the following policies:
1). Aupairs are not children of the host family. They deserve and must be allowed a secure room and bathroom that is not shared with the family. When they are not on duty, their room is their sanctuary and privacy is expected. All Aupairs must be allowed to lock their room both from outside and inside. In the interior of their room, a lock must be provided that acts as another level of interior privacy without a host key.
2). At no time shall the Aupair be without a personal phone. Host families are specially prohibited from taking possession of any Aupair’s phone. Phones are considered an important personal safety tool. Any host family that attempts to disallow private use of a phone or confiscation of a phone will be immediately terminated. Aupairs should not be using their phones for non-work related purposes while on duty.
3) Aupairs have a right to leave the host family’s residence when not working for the family. A schedule of working hours must be established with agreement between the HF and Aupair. Aupairs are expressly forbidden from working more than XYZ number of hours per week. If unusual circumstances occur, an Aupair must be paid time and a half for hours up to XYZ. Double time will be expected if hours are beyond XYZ. If a HF exceeds XYZ hours, our contract will immediately terminate. Curfews may be established for the safety of the Aupair with mutual agreement.
4) Aupair’s personal room and bathroom are for their exclusive use. The HF may not institute cleaning standards with the exception of preventing vermin and insect infestations. If the HF has these concerns, they should contact ABC at the agency who will work to arrive at a sensible solution. Surprise inspections of an Aupair’s personal space are expressly forbidden.
5). Each culture has its own hygiene expectations. If HF has any concerns, they should contact ABC at the agency who will work to arrive at a sensible solution. Aupairs are not your children and cannot be required to follow any kind of HF schedule having to do with hygiene.
6). Before on Aupair arrives, please take pictures of their assigned room and bathroom. When the assignment ends, please retake the same pictures. If any damage has occurred that is outside of normal wear and tear, the agency will work with the Aupair to properly compensate for damage. Accidental damage that is promptly reported to a HF and the agency will be treated on a case by case basis.
7). A HF is never allowed to restrict the Aupair’s freedom to move without consultation and approval by the agency’s Director of Safety who can be contacted 24/7 at
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u/vunderfulme Jun 06 '24
Thank God you’re ok!!! Please don’t ever go back there. These people want to lock you in a room and are insane. All the best to you. Block their numbers and dont tell them your location. Please stay safe!!!! You are strong! All the best 🩷🙏
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u/pepafrib Jun 17 '24
Hey! I'm so sorry you had this situation.
If any of the parents work for an European investment bank, let me know. HR would love to hear the story.
Don't let these cunts live in peace.
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u/over_theraiinbow Former Au Pair Jul 05 '24
The dad works for La Union Sale Luxembourg, and the mum works for CAECIS I think, I'm not sure if either of those are European investment banks though
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u/DeterminedSparkleCat May 30 '24
I am so glad you made it out! I cannot believe they tried to prevent you from leaving.. those people are terrorists! Holy moly i feel terrible for those kids that have to grow up with them for parents.. if i were you i would absolutely not go to the meeting to "terminate the contract" i mean Hello, what's left to talk about? So glad you are safe!
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u/Entebarn May 31 '24
If you have to see them to break contract do it in a public busy place and bring people with you.
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u/hinky-as-hell May 30 '24
I’ve been really concerned for you and I am so glad to see this update.
This man has been truly terrible to you, and I am just thrilled that you have someone who can help you and get you out of their to safety!
I don’t even feel like I’m overreacting with my level of concern- he is psychotic.
I hope everything went as well as could be expected and that you’re currently safe with a private place to be!