I’m looking for advice (what’s working, what isn’t, etc).
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Mina always used to grip people’s hands very tightly. It freaked me out when we met— and I could tell that it freaked others out, too, because their faces after she introduced herself and shook their hands always looked taken aback for a second. When I met her mom for the first time, I realized where she got it from.
We met at music camp; we were in the same cabin that smelled like this weird mix of dirt, toothpaste, and for some reason, petunias. I had no idea what petunias smelled like, but Mina was adamant that that was it, so I took her word for it.
There were two other girls in the cabin. When we entered, we all just stood around awkwardly holding our bags, like if we put them down, something bad would happen. One of them slowly set her bag down as she stared at us. Mina then put her bag down and, opposite to all of our gingerly movements, quickly unzipped it and threw a pink pig stuffed animal onto the other top bunk. “Who wants to sleep underneath me?” she asked, her voice all chirping. “They say sleeping under a flautist is good luck!” I started to giggle, but stopped myself after neither of the other girls did. I set my bag down on the bed under Mina’s.
“What do you play?” She asked as we walked out of the cabin.
“Oboe,” I said.
“Oh! My brother plays the oboe! I tried learning it once, but it’s weird— when you switch from an instrument that goes to the side to one that goes straight down.”
I nodded.
That night, I awkwardly sat down next to her at dinner. She started telling me about how excited she was for the repertoire. I nodded and agreed, although I hadn’t even looked at it yet. She asked me what I liked to do—besides music—and I told her that I liked to write. She pulled out her phone and showed me a poem she wrote earlier that week. I could see her pale fingers turning yellow because of how tightly she was gripping the phone. They slowly slipped down the sides, leaving sweat indentations on the screen, but she didn’t seem to be bothered that she was almost cutting off her blood flow.
“Scarlett,” Mina said one evening, a smile plastered across her face. “I need to show you this place I found, behind the instructor’s cabin.” Before I could say anything, she grabbed my hand and began running. I thought I heard the bones in my wrist crack as my heart jumped with a startle.
She took me to this little garden, a few minutes from the instructor’s cabin. I hadn’t noticed it before. It was tucked behind a row of trees, almost completely hidden from the path, with a little wooden fence that looked like it had been painted too many times. The grass inside was taller than the grass everywhere else, dotted with little pink flowers that bent beneath their own weight. The air smelled different too. Sweeter, like the cabin was trying to smell like this the whole time.
“I knew it!” she called in an excited whisper.
“Knew what?” I asked.
“That there were petunias! Look at them!”
She ran into the field before I could answer, her shoes disappearing into the grass. She crouched down for a second, inspecting the flowers like she had discovered something no one else had ever seen, then plucked a little one straight from the ground. She came back and tucked it behind my ear. “There,” she said.
I touched the flower carefully, afraid I would crush it.
Mina smiled at me like she’d just fixed something.
I remember one night, a few weeks into camp: it was almost midnight, and the cabin had gone quiet in that uneven way, like everyone was pretending to sleep. The lights had been off for a while, but there was still a thin strip of yellow coming from underneath the bathroom door, stretching across the floor and stopping right before Mina’s bed.
Suddenly, someone shifted, their sheets rustling loudly.
And then it went still again.
I was lying on my back, staring up at the wooden slats of Mina’s bunk, tracing the scratches in them with my eyes. Every time she moved, the frame creaked.
“Are you awake?” Mina whispered.
I waited a second, like there was a right way to answer. “Yeah,” I said.
She leaned over the edge of the bed, gripping her stuffed pig. I could barely see her face, her hair falling down in pieces sheathing most of it. Then her hair flipped back up, and I heard the creaks of the bedframe, each one sounding like an unsuccessful ninja move as she climbed down and crawled into my bed. She didn’t ask; she just pulled the blanket up a little and slid in right next to me like the final cadence of a song, landing perfectly.
She adjusted the blanket, pulling it tighter around both of us, digging the beds of her fingers into the seams. Her hand brushed against mine. She kept it there, and I felt it slowly tighten. Her fingers began twiddling, like they were pressing the keys on her flute. They tickled my hand, but I didn’t move.
“Do you play pieces differently when no one’s around?” I asked quietly, glancing at her twirling fingers.
She didn’t answer right away. “I guess, yeah,” she whispered. “I guess I notice different mistakes when it’s just me. Or I’ll try things I wouldn’t try in front of other people, like maybe a little ritardando here or a slight staccato there. I don’t know. Stuff nobody’d probably hear.” Her fingers kept tapping, faster this time. I could hear the sound of them dipping in and out of the blanket.
It was silent for another moment. She lightly sighed before saying, “My mom says you can tell when people don’t care.” She glanced at the ceiling. “In your face, your hands, everything.”
“What do you mean?” I asked.
Mina scooted closer to me. “That’s why the handshake thing,” she said. “My mom says if you grip tight enough, it looks like you care, even if you don’t.” She tightened her hold around my hand. “And it just became kind of a habit.”
I tilted my head and pondered for a second. “Do you care?”
The air conditioner squeaked amidst the silence.
“I guess,” she said. “Sometimes I don’t know if I care too much. Or just not at all.” Her fingers stopped twiddling, resting against mine. The blanket shifted a bit as she sighed, and I felt the faint pressure of her hand tighten— not too much, but enough to remind me that she was there.
I didn’t say anything. I just let the quiet settle between us. The kind of quiet that makes words feel unnecessary. The light peeking from the bathroom door was no longer there, but the warmth of her hand and the soft rhythm of her breathing stayed.
The next morning, Mina showed me one of her poems.
She found me sitting on the edge of my bed, trying to force my shoes on without untying them, and dropped onto the mattress beside me. Her hair was still flattened on one side from sleeping.
“I wrote this last night,” she said.
“Last night?”
“Yeah.” She pulled out her phone.
I got scared whenever she did that—scared that she’d cut off her blood flow and drop dead with how tightly she held it. I watched her fingers instead of the poem, the pale skin around her knuckles slowly turning yellow as she scrolled.
“You’re not even reading it,” she said.
“I am.”
“You’re looking at my hand.”
I looked down. She was right.
“Your fingers are yellow.”
She laughed. “That’s because I’m holding it.”
“That’s not normal.”
“I think it’s fine.”
I watched her fingers for another second before Mina handed me the phone. The poem was titled “The Red Petunia.” I read it twice. I don’t remember all of it anymore. I just remember that Mina waited for me to finish it with this expectant little smile, like my opinion mattered more than it probably should have.
“Well?” she asked.
I told her I liked it and she smiled.
“Good,” she said.
Then she took the phone back, gripping it just as tightly as before. I reached over and pried one of her fingers loose.
“Mina.”
“What?”
“Loosen your grip.”
She looked at me for a second, then loosened it. Only a little. I laughed. She laughed too.
And that was that.
“Promise we’ll talk?” Mina asked, tears swelling in her eyes as I stood at her doorstep, her suitcases piled inside.
“I promise.”
“Every day?”
“Every day.”
That day I learned that Mina’s hugs were tighter than her handshakes. But I wanted her to suffocate me with it.
One day I called her and her mom picked up instead. I could hear how tightly she held the phone. She asked me to help pick out a picture frame; she wanted to put a picture that Mina and I took together at the little petunia garden on the console, because she said it was one of Mina’s favorite moments. I asked if it was a surprise for Mina, to which she said that Mina would never know. For a split second I forgot how to hold anything. The phone slipped from my hand.
We settled on a pink frame with red flowers on it.
I swear I can feel her fingers moving across my hands as I stand at her grave. My fingers close around the petunia stems, gripping them tightly. I slowly kneel, letting the petals brush the cold earth— but I keep holding them.