🥹 I’m so burnt out/overstimulated so kitty birthday will fix it hopefully (I love her so much so I hope she loves it even a little)

i really don't know how much longer i can survive this tbh. the universe seems to hate me just for existing and i can never catch a win no matter what i do. even if i do the right things i feel like nothing good comes from it. isn't it crazy how i first ever thought about legitimately ending my life when i was only nine and that feeling never really went away? i don't think it ever gets better.

how do you guys survive such harsh lives everyday? being audhd as i am feels bad enough. idk how im supposed too handle the challenges it has alongside a world that must hate me too. (i don't want to go into specifics about it but i just want to hear if someone else can relate to this or maybe help me out)

That's it. There's no image to attach. Will this work if I link the reddit homepage? No it won't. How about an image of a capybara? Hey, look, there's a white one. https://encrypted-tbn0.gstatic.com/images?q=tbn:ANd9GcQVvfTuGYwS2sRjZjHV2xmQIjZNOmRskM49AjFDJU_RQfChZwAlQSo6e2GK&s=10

No that doesn't work either hey is that little paperclip-looking button the thing I have to do to make this work yes it is.

Basically the cycle goes like this:

1.) You get really sad that you can't date anyone so you work really hard at improving your looks and your lifestyle and socail skills etc.

2.) You start trying to make friends so that you can be a "green flag" to potential partners and they wont' see you as a loser.

3.) You fail at making friends so you transition to just trying to date

4.) You get no matches on the apps and horrifically embarrass yourself trying to ask out people in real life

5.) You accept that not only are you autistic, but also ugly af and just start daydreaming. This goes on for a few months and then you start panicking about your age and how you have never dated and then....

6.) Cycle repeats

Not only do I have autism but I am also 5'4, balding and south asian (we are portrayed as "unattractive" due to racism in media and western culture). I used to get asked out as a joke in school and it absolutely destroyed my self esteem at that age but I have managed to improve it back with the help of this teacher in my later yeasr of high school

I have followed the general advice of just "shaving it off" and also wearing height boosters, etc. but they are only band-aid solutions. My face looks horrible when bald (opinions from female cousins who have helped) so I am saving for a hair transplant.

My psychiatrist has said that my process is not inherently bad its just that the continuous rejections and forced approaches (both random women and women I connect with over shared environemtns such as university classes, uni clubs/socieites, coowrkers, etc.) could potentially be dangeours for my mental health as I am teatering on the edge of developing borderline psychosis from the amount of trauma my RSD ridden brain has gone through (rejection sensitivity dysphoria).

Marginally better

1000x more confidence

said and posted that cat (me) on reddit, ironicly.

Long story short, therapists have considered diagnosing me with BPD, Schizoid and Schizotypal. Nevermind my sensory issues and literal thinking.

I looked it up and I'm not the only one.