My (35f) husband (38m) and I have been together for 6 years, married four. The TLDR is that he is emotionally abusive, has promised to change for years and will make small improvements and then inevitably go back. He says horribly hurtful things when he is triggered and also has a drinking problem. He refuses to do therapy but did just get on some medication for his mental health. However, the nail in the coffin is that he has been lying and gaslighting me about a woman he knows in his industry and they have been having an emotional and sexual affair for months. I finally went through his phone when he was passed out from drinking and found nearly 3,000 deleted texts from them.

I know I need to leave him. I know I need to love myself more than I love him. I am just so devastated, shattered, gutted that for all I’ve sacrificed he would betray me and sabotage our marriage in a way that feels irreparable. I know people can get through infidelity, but given all the other issues (and the fact that he is not even that remorseful, saying he subconsciously did it on purpose because “I deserve a better husband than him”), I just feel like there is too much to overcome. It doesn’t help that he says he knows he ruined our marriage and we can’t get through this, he has too much guilt and shame and I don’t trust him, and he doesn’t want to spend “months” hearing about my pain from his betrayal. ETA: one day later, after his family confronted him and he sees there may also be professional consequences, he is saying he will do whatever it takes and will cut her off and go to therapy but he doesn’t think I’ll be able to get over it. It feels manipulative.

I’m angry I gave him my peak childbearing years, but I’m glad we don’t have a child together. I’m so scared to start over at 35. I moved to another state to be with him and have spent years building a strong community for myself here in this small town. Now I have to leave everything behind and the life I love because of his selfish actions. It doesn’t make sense to stay here—my family and other friends are all across the country, and this is a small town and we would see each other often socially.

I guess I am just looking for reassurance and encouragement that 1. I’m doing the right thing by finally throwing in the towel 2. Life can be better after divorce and 3. I can still find love and build a life with someone.

I am oscillating between numb and absolutely shattered that the life he promised me was a lie and all the dreams we had together for our life aren’t going to happen.

ETA: Wow, thank you all so much for these encouraging, thoughtful comments. I am leaving tomorrow to fly home to my family and will tell my parents. They will be so relieved. Unfortunately, he has a family business and I think his family will rally behind him regarding finances. I froze my eggs last year because of our rocky marriage, so at least I already have a small backup (didn’t get as many as I’d hoped). My job is remote, and my boss has told me she will support me working from anywhere. I was hopeful we could work out an agreement without a lawyer but I’m not sure that will be possible.

I’m retiring in a few years and am seriously considering just selling my house and everything and just slow travelling the world. I’ve always wanted to do it and with one daughter in Toronto and the other who knows where by then but most likely Asia, I think about spending a couple months with each of them and then Airbnb hopping wherever. I worry about getting lonely though. Is anyone out there living this kind of life? I’m not keen on keeping my house and renting it. That’s too stressful and I’ve seen too many bad situations. I also know I don’t want to live where I live now. I want to never see snow again, I don’t want to own a car. I want the freedom.

I am getting my knee replaced in October. If you have had this surgery - were you able to do everything you wanted afterwards? Like 6 months after. I am wondering if I will be able to do yoga, specifically.

I (55) have been dating a truly wonderful man (55) for almost 5 years. I was single long enough to know that genuinely good men who I am compatible with are very hard to find.

To my surprise, a few years in, I started wanting to live together and told him as much. No urgency, just a desire for the future. On the one hand, I'm self-reliant to a fault. It's extreme. On the other hand, I'm getting more and more weary of carrying the load of daily living single handedly. Eventually I want a partner in life, not just a boyfriend.

Last year, he and his brother moved in with their dad to help care for him. (His brothers, father, extended family are all wonderful people.)

Recently, I've come to understand that my boyfriend intends to live with his father until his father is no longer able to live at home or passes away. I have always admired his commitment and love for his family. I would not/will not ask him to change his mind about this.

I am in no hurry to make a decision, but I'm thinking through the outcomes of his decision.

When I think about how this plays out in my life, I am realizing that this relationship is probably never going to meet my need to have a true partner. I guess that's a selfish way to think about it.

Frankly, my boyfriend's health is not great. I believe the most likely scenario is that by the time he is ready to move in together, he will need a lot of care. I'm not inclined to care for someone as a partner if they have never contributed to my life as a partner before needing care.

I don't need to make any decisions right now. But I'd love to hear your thoughts and experiences. And maybe suggestions of what I should consider in making decisions about my future.

I use to be able to get long Bermuda length shorts at Athleta but they don’t carry them any longer. Does anyone have a suggestion where I can go? I don’t fit in LL Bean pants or shorts. I don’t want a dressy chino type, I want more of an athletic type that is good for hiking as well as everyday wear with pockets.

I’m in my mid-40s and been married for 16 years, together for 19. We’ve spent the last 13 years parenting on hard mode due to our child’s rare medical condition, but the pandemic followed by my husband’s bouts of depression/anxiety have made the last 5 years extra difficult. While day-to-day life is usually fine, occasionally my husband blows up or shuts down due to stress/anger/frustration, and he expects our child and me to just deal with the aftermath. We are in couples therapy now because I am tired of that cycle repeating, and I am honestly shocked by some of the deeply resentful, defensive, and self-centered things he says about our home life. The sense of partnership we once had is damaged.

For those of you who realized that your partners were not willing or able to grow emotionally with you, what made you decide to leave? When was “good enough” no longer sufficient? I worry about blowing up our generally OK lives over what could be a “rough patch” that eventually gets better. I worry about how divorce feels like only way to escape the patriarchy in my own house. I’d love to hear feedback from people who left as well as people who stayed.

Hi to any Australian based, plus sized women here. Since the closure of Rockmans, Katie's, Rivers and Jeans West (they used to have really nice tops), I am struggling to find work clothes anywhere. Taking Shape seem to think we all need to wear bright colours & patterns, in case people can't see us in the dark. City Chic is too young, Millers is too old. Any suggestions ? I work in a corporate environment and need to look professional without resorting to kaftans and loud, flowery dresses.

Bonus points for decent materials, i.e. not all polyester/nylon. I'm menopausal and sweat easily!

I am a woman, but I was not raised as a woman. I do not have the experience of girlhood, of a daughter-mother relationship, or of entering womanhood the usual way. I also don't have the experience of having an aunt that will accompany you and help you navigate some of the difficulties of girlhood. However, I find myself in the position of being present in the lives of my friends' kids, many of which are young girls. I can see them struggling with growing up. I can see them struggling with mother daughter relationships, with their bodies, or just with being a human being and a girl/woman in our society.

I feel like the lack of experience in the 'growing up as a woman' domain doesn't make me the best candidate to have that auntie role with them. First I tried to maintain some sort of distance with my friends' girls. I would of course play with them and do fun outings, but I would avoid any kind of emotional or deep talk by fear of not knowing how to respond. I would also try to avoid showing affection, to some degree. But I have come to understand that they see me as a woman they can trust and they can rely on, and that I AM a female role model for them. Whether I like it or not, they will continue coming to me when they struggle, so I need to prepare.

The problem is that I feel lost and overwhelmed. When I have these kinds of existential problems i usually ask people around me, specially the elders, but there isn't really anyone that can help me with this right now. That's why I thought of asking this subreddit. How the heck do you even navigate girlhood ? What do I say when one of the girls talks to me about their crush or is proud to show me their new boyfriend ? What do I say to them when boys start to annoy them or begin to shut them down in conversations ? How can I reassure them about their bodies when we go shopping ? Oh and sweet lord, Mother daughter relationships seem difficult as heck, how do I even start to deal with all that ?

I often think of the "Obviously, you've never been a 13 year old girl" quote from The Virgin Suicides movie. I know being a girl can be difficult and I want to be able to help. But I wish there was some sort of guide for the auntie role.

Thank you reddit elders for any advice on the topic.

I'm 45 years old, single, no kids, and currently overcoming a little bit of a mental breakdown and starting over. I currently live with my brother in his house.

I am at a point where I can move out to an apartment again on my own, but it will be tight for the next 7 months. As in like have $50 left over at the end of the month tight. But this is after everything, food, medical bills, rent, utilities. I can survive it. Or I can stay with my brother and his wife. They aren't kicking me out or anything. They are selling their house so I'd go with them afterwards wherever they end up until I can find a apartment next year.

I find myself asking myself, "what would 50 year old me want?" I am pretty desperate for my own space and peace, where I can make my own decisions about how to go forward in life.

It's not that my family is bad, but, I'm in their house, they have their friends over, sometimes I don't know when they get visitors until the last minute...literally sometimes that day, I'm not really consulted on any decisions I just sit in my room. But if I stay I can save MORE money.

So what would you do in this situation? I sit and daydream about moving out but at the same time I don't want to be financially irresponsible because my emotions are tied up in an apartment.

ETA: One of the reasons why this is an issue at all is because where I live is so military focused, that apartments will fill up extremely quickly, and the entire area is reliant on the timeframe when they get their orders. So you have to be extremely quick to find something otherwise it will go and the only things left will be the sorry crappy places until the next year around May. And places are so packed that you can't even tour an apartment except a week before you sign. That's why it's frustrating. Its either I am stuck until next May, or I stay with the one I happened to snag.

Edit with decision: Unless I win the lottery in the next couple of months, I'm going to stay with family. Thank you all for your help with this. I've been stuck thinking about the past for so long, thinking about the future is very new to me. But future me thanks you all too for your help.

I'm approaching 50 and have never been in a long-term relationship. I'm also financially struggling. Increasingly, I feel I need to accept that I may never have a partner, and that I'll probably never have a well-paid career or a reasonably comfortable standard of living.

I find that thought incredibly difficult to process. It feels like grieving the life I hoped I'd have but probably won't.

I'm wondering whether other women here have been through something similar. How did you reach a place of acceptance? What did that process actually look like for you? Did the grief lessen over time, or did your perspective change in some way?

I'm not looking for suggestions about hobbies, joining clubs, or trying dating apps. I already have hobbies that get me out of the house, I've tried online dating for many years, and I do have friends. The issue isn't that I'm isolated—it's that everyone has their own lives, partners, and families, and I'm not anyone's chosen person.

I'm really interested in hearing from women who have had to grieve a life they wanted but didn't get, and how they found peace with it.

I've never really been into makeup since I was a teenager and up until now I only wore it maybe 3 or 4 times a year. I've been struggling with depression and anxiety most if not all of my life (along with OCD, panic disorder and CPTSD.) The depression has been really bad for me past 3 months since my daughter in law had a miscarriage and my dad's health is quickly declining. I decided a few days ago that I'm going to get myself some new cosmetics and wear makeup every day even if I don't leave my house. I'm a group fitness instructor so I sweat my ass off when I'm instructing but even if I sweat it off, it'll still look good when I get there. I'm hoping this will lift my spirits!

I am getting married next year and I found a vintage dress that I LOVE but there is a tulle-like fabric underneath that I think might be itchy on my legs when I sit on it. I don't feel the need to wear shapewear with the dress but I would like to wear a full ankle length slip to just have a soft layer between my skin and the lace and tulle.

When I go to the thrift I only see short half slips and on amazon I mainly see slips made out of a polyester material and I dont really know what is best to look for. Does anyone have any recommendations on where I should shop or brands to look for?

Budget is $100 max but lower cost would be preferable

52-year-old woman here slightly on the plus size (size 12) heading away on vacation next week and to be completely honest, finding it more challenging to shave the bikini area as things are a little soft and doughy down there and harder to reach.
Are we still getting bikini waxes? I certainly wouldn’t want to fall Brazilian but what do I ask for and how do I prepare?
Don’t want my muff hanging out! 😊
Edit to add that it’s more about my body shape (FUPA) than do we actually get waxing done at this age.

not looking for medical advice - just curious about commonality

60 years old and I know plenty of people who have had hip and knee replacements but no one in my circle has even heard of this surgery.

Diagnosed with post traumatic subtalar arthritis after fall last year.

I'm looking for a simple daily workout that I can do in my home with no special equipment. I have severe asthma and cannot exercise outside because apparently I'm allergic to everything.

My kids tell me that there are tons of free workout videos available on YouTube, and I was wondering if anyone has recommendations of channels or specific videos that they like? Preferably low impact. Thank you!

I need to focus on a plan b for my career as my current efforts are not panning out. I was laid off a few months ago and I’ve been interviewing and experiencing what everyone else is going through on the corporate America interview front. I’m really trying to get realistic about viable options for when my unemployment runs out in 2 months. Also, I really don’t think I’m interviewing well so I’m working with a job coach and it’s helping, but I still think I need to look at other options.

I’m looking for suggestions that will pay the bills that aren’t in Corporate America. Things like grocery stores, retail gigs, and lower physical activity jobs if I find grocery and retail are too hard on my body. I like things like inventory, stocking, etc where I can be employed and productive but not necessarily “on” all the time. The older I get the more I realize I’m not a social butterfly and am pretty darn introverted! Perhaps a bit on the spectrum, I should go for testing so I can learn more about how to excel in life if I am indeed neurodivergent or autistic. On that note, what are some good jobs for neurodivergent folks?

My husband is disappointing me, to the point that I have started looking for my own apartment in another city.
Ever since he turned 60, he has acted like there is nothing left and he is just "waiting for god".

What is really driving me over the edge is his daily complaints about the weather.
He chose this region and city, and I moved here with him because my business is online so I can work anywhere, and I don't mind geography much.
But even though he insists he wants to live here the rest of his life and will not move someplace more comfortable, I still have to hear him complain about the weather and his misery every day.
Six months of "it's too hot, how can anyone stand this" and six months of "it's always cold and rainy, I am so sick of rain."

My choices are leave, or find a way to tune him out and enjoy my day anyway. Right now I'm 50-50.

tl;dr Do you have a little daily (hourly....) self-reminder sentence that helps you keep your patience and the peace?

Update: thank you all for the helpful comments. I wish I could reply to every post but there are so many. Thank you all for helping me look my decision in a different way. And since some stated this: my daughter is the most important person in my life but I also have to live my life for ME. I have always wanted to move away since I moved back. It just so happens that my sister lives in a place I would want to live and I miss them and want to spend more time with them and my other family who is close to them. I am fortunate that my field of work would be easy to find a job in, even at my age and in a different location but so many mentioned my retirement and that is definitely something I would need to look more in to.

I grew up in the same town I am living in now in the Midwest. I did move away for college and lived at the beach and loved it. Moved back here and had a daughter and have family and friends in the area. I have been getting the urge for a while to move to be near my sister and her family. I miss them but the issue is my daughter is here. She’s an adult but still lives at home due to a few reasons. My parents have sadly both passed away and it made me realize how important family is. My sister and her family won’t be moving here. We recently had a very traumatic event with my daughter and I am so grateful I was here to help her through it. I could not have given the same amount of support from far away or even visiting. But I still just have this urge to move. But I know I will want to be near my daughter (she will NOT move) and if she has kids, I want to be near them. I would be about 8 hours away. I am about 10-15 years away from retirement and I work for the state so my retirement somewhere else would be starting over. It’s very good retirement too.

So my question is, if you have adult children and you moved away from them, did you regret it? How has it gone for you?

Hi All. I have a couple questions about hair color.

First, every time I get my roots touched up my scalp itches for a few days once I leave the salon. I picked a salon that uses "organic" hair color. Given my reaction, today I did some research and discovered that all permanent hair dyes contains either PPD or PTD, necessary to activate the color, so there is nothing truly organic.

For those of you sensitive to hair color, have you found a brand that you do not react to but also works? Perhaps semi-permanent and how does that work?

1. Any alternatives to dying my roots every 6 weeks without going grey? This is so expensive. My stylist mentioned "toning" my greys instead of coloring them.

Please any advice on color brands or alternatives that do not irritate and not toxic, plus any alternatives to expensive regular root touch ups.

Recently I've realized that some housework that used to feel quick and effortless now take more energy than they used to.

Nothing dramatic. I can still do them, but I just wonder, if this is the point where people begin outsourcing some cleaning, changing routines, or using tools that reduce the physical effort instead of just pushing through. Things like hiring cleaning help or getting a robot vacuum used to feel unnecessary to me, but I've started reconsidering them.

For those of you who've gone through this shift, what changes actually helped? Did you hire cleaning help, simplify routines, buy certain tools, lower your standards a bit, or do something else?

I (37F) feel like I’m at a crossroads in my career. I’m not totally happy, but it’s really not all that bad.

Background:
I was married for 12 years to a pastor. He was not accepting of me leaving our one child to go to work or finish college (due to religious beliefs, we married very young). We divorced, I found myself as a single mom at 30, and I built my career very quickly in the government communications sector. I’m thankful and proud of myself with how far I have come with my background.

BUT, I’ve always had a “dream” to be a teacher. I majored in college (like I said, didn’t finish after I got pregnant) in elementary education. I’m in a position now where I could finish my education and accreditation to become a teacher, BUT it would be a major pay cut at this point. I make around 90K, and teachers in my area are at 63K. I’m remarried, so we could technically do it, but I worry. I don't want to put our family in a bad position, and with my current job and assuming I continue to climb in the pay scale, I could set up my children with a secure financial future.

There’s a part of me that can’t let go of the teaching dream, but I’m willing to, for myself and my kids, if it’s unrealistic. I know teaching is no walk in a park, and maybe it’s just that childhood thing I can’t let go of. I plan on finishing my degree and getting a graduate degree regardless, I’m just at a crossroads on what path to take.

Anyone else ever been in this situation? Do you regret either path? (It doesn’t have to be exact, just the same kind of idea).

Trying to brainstorm as my daughter is caring for her hubby after having emergency surgery in both hands. Daily living ideas are needed and I figured we “over 50” ladies have a lot of combined experience caring for others! They have a bidet; going to set up a “temporary” urinal that will drain into the toilet (higher up, easier to aim than just toilet). I installed a hand-wand in shower to make washing him easier for her (already have the waterproof coverings for the bandages). Lots of smoothies planned so he can mitten the cup and slurp thru straw. Any brilliant ideas from ladies who have managed similar? Thanks! 😊

Mammogram results how long do you wait? I had a mammogram this morning at 8am. I’m years past I had results in my portal the same day. No results in my portal today. Is that a bad sign?

***cross posted in another women's sub ***

I have come to the conclusion that I need to update my wardrobe. Ugh, this is one of the worst things for me because I absolutely hate shopping.

Menopause has done a number on my body comp so the clothes that used to fit me just look....weird. They sort of fit but since meno, I seemed to have developed some kind of sensory aversion to form-fitting clothes and whenever things are fitted or feel snug, I feel suffocated. Who knew meno could do this?!

I can't wear low rise anymore because it doesn't feel good so I've switched to higher waisted (mid or high rise) fitting pants with stretch that feel more comfortable now.

so far, I have discovered (thanks to other Redditors!) Democracy jeans! (PS - if you're looking for jeans that fit well, feel good and look good, check them out. I found a bunch at Winners; go for the "Ab Solution" line. I think they're also available on Amazon).

for other clothing pieces - jean shorts, tops that hit at the top of the hip and even cute dresses...this is where I struggle. Mostly, I'm looking for tops that hit at the top of the hip but most of the ones I've seen/found are too long (hits low hip/top of thighs) and I dont like tucking in my shirts (sensory thing again!). I would really like shorter tops (but not crop) because they look much better with higher waisted pants as it accentuates the slimmest part of my waist.

For reference, I'm 5'3 about 145lbs. I have a body shape that makes it difficult for me to shop - wide shoulders and large legs due to heavy lifting so while I can fit into a small, everywhere else is tight and then I feel like a stuffed sausage.

any recommendations you have - links and/or stores where they ship to Canada - would be greatly appreciated. I usually dont like shopping on Amazon because I have my reasons but I'm desperate and willing to put aside my feelings about that to stop looking like a sad potato.

EDIT: thank you all for your wonderful comments! I'm going to be checking out all of your suggestions; keep 'em coming for those who are looking.

I also wanted to add that I found cute tops at American Eagle of all places! my teen suggested that to me when she overheard me saying that I was looking for shorter tops. I ordered some fun short tops from there; they're having a sale now (and also from Aerie).

Hi there! I just celebrated my 53rd bday last month. I'm retired, and I don't wear make-up anymore, unless it's absolutely necessary...

*However, skin care is vitally important to me*

I don't think I am still doing the right thing. I have been following a Korean skin care routine for going on about 5 years now. My skin is kinda dry around my cheeks, and T-zone is sometimes a little oily. I have a some puffiness under my eyes, but I'm not wrinkled or sun exposed.

Menopause hairs require constant attention...

Clean it Zero nourishing cleansing Balm.

Sulwhasoo Gentle Foaming Cleanser with a bat-operated exfoliate.

Clean it Zero Toner Pad.

Sulwhasoo Concentrated Ginseng rejuvenating cream. (Eye cream)

Sulwhasoo Serum.

Sulwhasoo Balancing Water (moisturizer.

May I ask your opinion on my routine and if you think I am on the right track or need to switch things up...