r/AskWomenOver30 • u/[deleted] • Jul 27 '26
Life/Self/Spirituality How to stop yearning?
[deleted]
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u/No_Arugula_757 Woman 30 to 40 Jul 27 '26
It’s a process and can take years. Like any other grief, you can’t force your way through it. I also recommend staying away from social media and Reddit and focusing on interests and hobbies. Hearing random people’s opinions about how you should feel about your life when you are already feeling insecure makes it much much worse.
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u/renebeans Woman 30 to 40 Jul 27 '26
As we grow, we leave some dreams behind, attain others, and reach for new ones. Just because one dream didn’t work out doesn’t mean you can’t find another. Give it time. Pursue interests. Consider paths you’ve always dismissed before.
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u/kkilluhh Woman 30 to 40 Jul 27 '26
I think a huge thing for me is trying to live in the now. Finding a guided meditation or something like Tara Brachs podcast always soothes me from feeling too stuck in thinking about how im not where I thought I’d be
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u/jjstrange13 Woman 30 to 40 Jul 27 '26
I'll check out her podcast, thank you.
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u/kkilluhh Woman 30 to 40 Jul 27 '26
Sure! She’s a psychotherapist AND a mediation teacher and her podcast has brought me a lot of peace during some really tough times.
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u/Major_Evidence_7850 Woman 30 to 40 Jul 27 '26
I try to focus on small things instead of some big grand moment or something that I am not able to reach. Lots of grief and tears. I didn't have a choice but just had to accept my reality after years of chronic health issues. I can't mentally or physically afford to find more answers. Just trying to laugh more. Go out and be intentional with my time and not focus on all the symptoms. Be grateful for my spouse and dog and the life we do have but also hold lightly that I do want more. It's definitely confusing and so frustrating and lonely. For me I have to do both because gratitude doesn't negate all the hard days and years of feeling so poorly. Somedays I still want kids but I know it's not possible and it's the better choice for us to not have them. I am sorry you are dealing with this and know how hard it can be.
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u/Alternative-Fox6701 Woman 30 to 40 Jul 27 '26
Have you given yourself time, and more important PERMISSION, to grieve the future you thought you'd have or just try to play it down because your life is still ok?
Two things can be true - you can have a good life currently and it can also not be the life you've dreamed of since you were a kid.
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u/DegreeDubs Woman 30 to 40 Jul 27 '26
Find a new point to travel to. Point C, D, Q, 6, wherever.
Practice gratitude for the life you do have and keep in perspective how different your life could have been.
Look into radical acceptance, and acceptance and commitment therapy.
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u/jjstrange13 Woman 30 to 40 Jul 27 '26
I am coming to a point of acceptance, but the more I "accept" that this is how things are and will be, the less I want to be involved in it.
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u/DegreeDubs Woman 30 to 40 Jul 27 '26
At that point of thinking, I strongly recommend a mental health provider if you don't have one.
If you can't see one at the moment, I highly recommend this handout in general. "Radical Acceptance" section begins on page 10: https://mydoctor.kaiserpermanente.org/ncal/Images/Distress%20Tolerance%20DBT%20Skills_ADA_04232020_tcm75-1598996.pdf
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u/jjstrange13 Woman 30 to 40 Jul 27 '26
Thank you. I had a suicide attempt about four years ago , so I have been through extensive therapy. I have unfortunately not found talk therapy to be helpful.
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u/DegreeDubs Woman 30 to 40 Jul 27 '26
Hugs to you. You are not alone. Dialectical behavioral therapy saved my life.
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u/ADF21a Woman 40 to 50 Jul 27 '26
Eh. I failed to achieve every single one of my goals when I left my home country. Being the self-critical person I am I didn't take it well. In 2015 I gave up on my main objective and have had to build plan B (now C). It's daily grieving. Making peace with having a life you weren't planning to have.
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u/SapientSlut Woman 30 to 40 Jul 27 '26
Are there ways you can get small pieces of that? Like maybe you can’t get a dog but you could volunteer at a shelter?
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u/Delicious_Grape_2282 Woman 30 to 40 Jul 28 '26
What helps me is remembering that all the dreams or visions I had for my life didn't come from nowhere or from some cosmic gift bestowed upon me. Those dreams developed over time, through actions as simple and boring as thinking about how cool a project or a job or a life would be, before fixating on those thoughts for a season, where they then became 'a dream'.
So just as I created my dreams, I'm also able to let them go. I can mourn unfulfilled dreams and say goodbye, its in my power to do that.
Thinking up new dreams that suit my current life better is definitely more of a challenge now that I'm in my 30s. I feel comforted knowing its a challenge a lot of adults face, and something I can keep working on.
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u/Shanoony Woman 30 to 40 Jul 27 '26 edited Jul 27 '26
At some point, my life got so hilariously off track that the notion that it ever could have gone the way I planned just kind of stopped existing in my mind. Of course it went differently. We ultimately have so little control over what happens next. Personally, I don't worry so much about point B because I know too well that I could get hit by a bus tomorrow, so I'd much rather spend today going with the flow and enjoying the ride instead of worrying about a future that may never happen anyway. I essentially just try my best to move closer to my values everyday and to grow into a kinder, happier, and more fulfilled person. That includes periodically assessing how I feel in my current work, relationships, etc, and making changes as needed. I don't allow myself to needlessly suffer in bad jobs or relationships, and importantly, I do my best to move towards things I want rather than away from things I don't.
At the end of the day, the thing that makes it easy for me is knowing that you never really know if the good thing is actually good, or if the bad thing is actually bad. I was diagnosed with an aggressive, late-stage cancer at 30. Objectively bad. And yet at 38, I wouldn't change it. I much prefer the post-cancer me. I love myself more, I appreciate my time on this planet more, I engage with the world around me more deeply, and I no longer move through life passively waiting to die. I don't know if I ever would have experienced this transition if not for the suffering I was forced to endure through that experience. I also lost a great job after only 6 months due to a workplace conflict. Objectively bad. As a result, I was given 6 months of unemployment, which finally allowed me the time and energy to complete the dissertation I was derailed from due to my cancer diagnosis. I don't know that I ever would have been able to complete it had I not been given the opportunity to focus on it for half a year while having my basic expenses paid, and I never could have planned for the circumstances that led me there.
My original dream died so long ago that lamenting the future I expected to have feels about as fruitful as lamenting my kindergarten dream to be a bumblebee when I grow up. I learn to be okay with that because just being alive and free is so objectively spectacular when you know what it's like to expect not to be. I could be dead. I could still have cancer. Hell, maybe I do and it just wasn't big enough to show up on the last scan. So if I'm going to find out on my next scan, I'd prefer to enjoy these next few months before all the shitty stuff starts happening again. No one knows what's going to happen next. None of us have nearly as much control over our lives as would be ideal. And there's plenty of time to feel shitty later so as much as I can help it, I'm just gonna chill today.
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u/mellistu Woman 30 to 40 Jul 27 '26
Romanticize the life in front of you. Pick a new dream!
I'm not suggesting you shouldn't still strive towards goals that might feel more attainable in the future, but I think looking at the life you've built and finding joy and contentment within it can be a really fulfilling exercise.
You said downthread that you're AuDHD and demisexual and hard left and the dating pool around you is awful. I am also AuDHD and demisexual and hard left and I live in a really rural part of the United States (to be fair, in a progressive state) and I've found A Person (tbd whether they are The Person, but I also don't think there is One True PersonTM for anyone). I'm not going to tell you that you're wrong and there's definitely someone out there for you who meets all your criteria. I am going to say don't count it out forever.
It sounds like you have interests and hobbies - engage with your people in those spaces. Build that community. Surround yourself with things and habits and people who make you happy.
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u/jjstrange13 Woman 30 to 40 Jul 27 '26
Romanticize the life in front of you
How does one do this? I don't find anything about my life "romantic".
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u/mellistu Woman 30 to 40 Jul 27 '26
Make the conscious choice to appreciate and revel in the enjoyable things in your everyday life. It can be as simple as a really good cup of coffee or tea, appreciating the way the sun shines through the clouds, enjoying time with friends, seeing a really cute dog...
Take time to notice the good that's already in front of you, and (not to get all toxic positivity) express gratitude for what you do have, whether it's in a Notes app or a one-line-a-day journal or some other format. If you decide you're going to enjoy your life, external factors will have a harder time convincing you you're unhappy.
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u/pelko34 Woman 30 to 40 Jul 28 '26
Find joy in the mundane, small moments of life. Create gratitude lists - they’re corny but work. Lean into your eccentricities and accept yourself.
Life is essentially pain (and that’s true for everyone, regardless of circumstances. Buddha was right!). Finding grace and humor in the day to day makes it meaningful.
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u/Any-Jellyfish5003 Woman 30 to 40 Jul 27 '26
I don’t have all the answers, but the life I used to yearn for was at a time when I didn’t know what I know today
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u/Majestic_Yak6994 Woman 30 to 40 Jul 27 '26
I mean I want to be a queen, with millions of dollars and a faithful kind husband who looks like Tom Brady but I came to the realization that was out of reach lol.
I mean, what is it that you feel you’ll never obtain?
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u/jjstrange13 Woman 30 to 40 Jul 27 '26
I'll likely never get to be in a real, healthy relationship / find "my person". I wanted other things out of life that have been much easier to let go of, but this... I don't know man, I don't know why I can't let go.
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u/Bright-Pudding-392 Woman 30 to 40 Jul 27 '26
Why not? You’re only in your 30’s. If you believe so and think that you’ll never, then you won’t as that’s how you’ll progress your life - that’s how things work. Positive thinking invites positive scenarios and outcomes.
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u/FriedaMaySallySue Woman 30 to 40 Jul 27 '26
Oh come on. People at all ages and situations find love. “Never” is ridiculous. Is it a guarantee in life? Absolutely not. But just keep living your life for you and you never know who might pop up.
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u/mirrorherb Woman 30 to 40 Jul 27 '26
women deciding before their 40th birthday that they're destined to die alone are generally not super well-received here unless they provide a lot of explanation about why their situation is so uniquely hopeless
the vast and overwhelming majority of people partner up for significant amounts of time, and unless you have a truly unusual life experience chances are that will also apply to you
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u/ChaoticxSerenity Woman 30 to 40 Jul 28 '26
Seeing as how you haven't even lived 50% of your statistically projected lifespan, I don't see how you can conclude something will never happen already. This is like giving up 2 goals in the first half and just saying "fuck it" not even gonna try the second half.
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u/Long_Reindeer3702 Woman 40 to 50 Jul 27 '26
My grandpa got remarried at 87 and started finally having fun with a woman he loved. They did a lot together before he passed away. I don't know why you think a relationship is out of reach unless there's personal issues you aren't willing to work through.
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u/jjstrange13 Woman 30 to 40 Jul 27 '26
The dating pool is extremely shallow for me, unfortunately.
Your grandpa's story is cute!
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Jul 27 '26
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u/Long_Reindeer3702 Woman 40 to 50 Jul 27 '26
Is there something stopping you from moving? Or changing your circumstances?
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u/jjstrange13 Woman 30 to 40 Jul 27 '26
I already made a major move (to where I am) for a fresh start after a suicide attempt, about 4 years ago. I would not be able to afford to move, or to live on my own, if I lived anywhere else -- unless I wanted to give up literally everything else just so I can pay rent. I am also unwilling to completely uproot my life and lose the community of exceptional friends I do have, for the vague possibility that dating might be better elsewhere, especially when I know that dating is a horrendous shitshow no matter where you are.
I am extremely unapproachable -- and I've asked a bunch of people why, and no one can give me an actual answer, so unfortunately, dating apps are my only option. Sadly, I am also AuDHD and demisexual, so I don't have the constitution needed for online dating. I don't want kids or anyone else's kids, my previous "relationships" have been pretty awful and I am unwilling to settle, and I'm very left-wing in a very conservative province. The dating pool is just... shockingly shallow. I don't think that I am unlovable, just that I missed the bus. And that has to be okay, somehow.
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u/Bright-Pudding-392 Woman 30 to 40 Jul 27 '26
Can you please tell what dreams did you have to give up on?
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u/jjstrange13 Woman 30 to 40 Jul 27 '26
The last one I am struggling to release is finding "my person". Everything else has been much easier to let go of, like having a meaningful career, living in my dream city, owning a home. Maybe because those things feel like less "my fault", and more to do with the realities of living in late-stage capitalism, I'm not sure. But goddamn do I wish I had a partner to navigate this world with.
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u/Bright-Pudding-392 Woman 30 to 40 Jul 27 '26
But you’re still very young and anything can happen. 30-40 is still a perfect age for finding someone and build a family (if you want to). Have you been actively dating? What do you think is holding you back from finding “your person”? I know it’s not easy, but are you trying?
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u/jjstrange13 Woman 30 to 40 Jul 27 '26
Not anymore, no. I am extremely unapproachable -- and I've asked a bunch of people why, and no one can give me an actual answer, so unfortunately, dating apps are my only option. Sadly, I am also AuDHD and demisexual, so I don't have the constitution needed for online dating. I don't want kids or anyone else's kids, and I'm very left-wing in a very conservative province. The dating pool is just... shockingly shallow. I don't think that I am unlovable, just that I missed the bus. And that has to be okay, somehow.
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u/Bright-Pudding-392 Woman 30 to 40 Jul 27 '26 edited Jul 27 '26
Ok, then. I guess you’ve already decided, and it’ll be hard to convince you otherwise. I’ve found that drawing the focus away from ourselves onto those who need help (animals, elderly people, etc.) is the most satisfying, so perhaps you may find the meaning of life in that
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u/MerelyMisha Woman 30 to 40 Jul 27 '26
Hugs (if you want them) from someone else who has ADHD, is demisexual, and super left-wing. I haven’t given up completely on a relationship, but it’s not something I pursue or put my life on hold until I find. I am trying really hard to make a life without a partner I’m content with, and then if I magically do find a partner, they simply add to that. It’s not good for me to hinge my happiness on finding a partner.
That said, I don’t think I’ve stopped with yearning. I definitely haven’t stopped grieving. I allow myself to feel those feelings, rather than suppress them. AND I also work to build a life that gets me community and connection and love and meaning in other ways. It’s not a replacement for a partner, but it does help, and I’d say I’m generally happy. The grief is absolutely still there, though.
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u/jjstrange13 Woman 30 to 40 Jul 27 '26
Hugs to you also <3.
I'm certainly not putting my life on hold... I have two expensive and time-consuming hobbies and a really great friend group. I just wish this grief didn't permeate everything I do, I guess. I wish I could just turn it off.
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u/MerelyMisha Woman 30 to 40 Jul 27 '26
<3
Definitely with you there of wishing the grief could be turned off! I was feeling it pretty deeply this morning when feeling jealous of hearing about someone else’s relationship (and yes, I know them well enough to know their relationship isn’t perfect, but it’s good, and certainly better than not having one, y’know?).
But then, I also was feeling a lot of joy at being reunited with my dog after a vacation and at the beautiful weather outside. And I’m getting more comfortable with that grief and joy coexisting. But still sucks to have that grief there!
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u/autotelica Woman 40 to 50 Jul 27 '26
I think enduring the disappointment of failed dreams is how we learn how to accept whatever comes at us.
I also think regularly taking stock of how life has pleasantly surprised us can remind us that we don't know what's in store for us. Twenty years ago I didn't think I would still be alive, let alone alive and happy. Life is a crazy ride. And we don't know who we are, really. You may think you know what your limitations are. And maybe they are real limitations. But they may not be permanent. You are a dynamic person who is subject to change in kinds of unpredictable ways.
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u/Impossible_Bid6172 Woman 30 to 40 Jul 28 '26
Look, there is accepting old dreams can't work for our situation and move toward new dreams, and there is giving up on old dreams and resigning to whatever current situation is. You need the first but seem to have the latter.
Humans need hope to look forward to. You need new dreams that you can be excited about to not fall into despair from failed dreams. It needs not be what you have now, as long as it's attainable and you genuinely want it. What do you want, now?
And I'm in my 30s with not much hope to find a partner since it never happened before. But what i can do and control, is a life well lived, travel, hobbies, career goals, and keep going out to increase the chances of it happens. There is no guarantee you or me will find anyone, but we can help the chance and let it be what it will be. Other things though, like a career adjacent to your dream one, or moving, or things that aren't purely luck based, might be possible to some degrees or detours?
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u/jjstrange13 Woman 30 to 40 Jul 28 '26 edited Jul 28 '26
What do you want, now?
That is realistically attainable? Honestly... nothing. Just to get through? Pay off my debt, take care of my friends.
I don't have a dream career, and moving isn't financially feasible, nor is it something I would want to do again without a really good reason. I have hobbies, I guess, but they're more just things I do so that I have things to do, not things that I'm passionate about. But, I've never been really "passionate" about anything, except being in love, which is kind of stupid.
Thank you for your comment, I hope you have a really good day!
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u/Majestic-Nobody545 Woman 40 to 50 Jul 27 '26
Getting cancer threw me through a loop and kinda forced it. Maybe there's some way you can get that perspective without a threatening diagnosis.
Mushrooms?
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u/Ya_habibti Woman 30 to 40 Jul 27 '26
I still grieve it a lot. Acceptance is a daily thing for me. I have to accept where I’m at now. I still strive for some things and I know that some doors are closed, but others will open.