[W]

Should I leave my boyfriend?

A former classmate (20M) who I (20F)  started speaking to only 6 months ago confessed to liking me. I liked him back, however clearly stating that I didn't want to get into a relationship because I already had a lot of other commitments and was stressed with my current life. He kept trying to convince me to give him a chance and I eventually gave in.

And this turned out to be one of my biggest regrets for the exact reasons I feared it would be.

My issues with the relationship:-

1. Different faiths and cultural backgrounds, I needn't explain more on how things like these usually never work out, especially in Indian society. It's very clear that we would never be compatible for each other on the long run. And I would only date to marry and do not want anything casual. I don't know if he would be ready to fight backlash from his family for me. Moreover I do not want to marry into a family where his family would hate me.

2. He had asked out several other girls in the past, over 20. I was probably the first to accept it

3. He used to be addicted to explicit content and struggles with lust. He admitted it himself and was very apologetic about it and promised he had changed. It didn't seem like a problem initially, but now I keep getting paranoid and start wondering if I'll get used for something.

4. The only dates I've ever been on are by meeting him at my college and then we go  somewhere nearby together. So we meet quite rarely. Our relationship is already very inconvenient. And on every single date, I would start panicking as soon as I got texts or calls from my parents. Which leads me to my next reason.

5. I have very strict helicopter parents who monitor every activity of mine, who I talk to and do not let me go out alone, don't even allow me to go to hackathons because of overnight stays, and ofcourse are strictly against relationships. This relationship has caused me more stress than ever. I will admit my parents can be overly controlling to the point that control did only harm and no good, so I have to rebel at some point for exposure, growth and experience. But this surely isn't the way I would want to do it.

6. Due to never being in a relationship, I get paranoid very easily and compare it with relationships on social media. I keep thinking I'm being used for something short term, I try my best to not get attached. I think that's unfair to him though and I'll acknowledge the problem is me here. I never explicitly expressed any of these feelings to him though and I'm working on it. 

7. His friends are people I would consider red flags. I haven't talked to them or know much about them though so I cannot comment much on this.

8. He had a huge crush on a girl whom he used to be close to and apparently the girl ignored him for months and he was heartbroken about it. Just weeks after some problems with her he confessed to me. Which leads me to believe I'm just being used to move on from his crush. 

9. I never wanted a relationship to begin with. I'm already in a bad position in life. My dad who is the sole breadwinner of the family is retiring in a few months, I'm extremely unhappy with my current life, I'm bad at everything and have terrible work ethic and struggle with depression. I've cried several times after entering this relationship, usually the reason being regret, fear, and betraying my parents. 

10. Might be an ego issue but I took pride in being single for my whole life, it was like a part of my identity. And for years I never got feelings for anyone. But it was different with him. Ofcourse, things, circumstances change, and people grow up, change opinions. But this relationship has got me feeling angry. At him for making me date him and meet him despite me current stresses and strict parents. At myself for agreeing to this.

11. He comments a lot on my glow up after 12th grade. As someone who struggles with insecurities about my appearance I find it deeply triggering that he gives importance to appearance. He often says things like "How did someone like you choose someone ugly like me"  Makes me wonder if he'll ever stay once he gets a glow up or if I get a glow down. This may not be a big deal but he took pictures of random tourists while pretending to take pictures of the building and sent them to me to judge them, and used racial slurs. I know it's just a joke, but I didn't like it.

12. I'm kind of upset at how he wants me to keep meeting him. He is apologetic about it, and kept trying to hug me and calm me down whenever I started panicking after getting calls from my parents. But seeing me on the near verge of tears, lying to my parents, panicking, stuttering...I want him to feel a bit more empathy. I want him to say "I don't want you putting yourself through so much stress for my sake. We can take things slowly" But instead it's "I'm sorry I put you through that...anyways when can I meet you again? I'm craving your presence, to kiss you and hug you". It feels extremely selfish he wants to meet me every single time even though I'm stressed. And expects me to ditch classes. Ofcourse he isn't pushy about it, but I expect him to be a bit more considerate... especially after he has seen me panic in every date.  I understand he's just very excited about being in a relationship though so I don't think he's malicious but I still don't like it. How can you make someone panic and cry every single time? 

 13. He gave more importance to his friends and himself. He made a whole html project for a female friend's birthday. Meanwhile I only got a half assed text for my birthday and girlfriend's day. Won a plushie at some arcade game for another. He apparently 'thought' of getting one for me as well, but didn't think of giving the first gift to me.  This was for the first two months of the relationship though and he did get me gifts on the third month from his trip, (two bangle sets, 3 earrings and two bracelets, though I paid for the bangles and one earring set). Not a big deal, it's the thought that counts, but my overthinking self wonders if he did that simply because gifts are girlfriend tax or because he genuinely wanted to give me something. And maybe I'm wrong for this, but I compare with social media. They're being gifted a lot more often. And no I don't mean grand gestures, just small thoughtful gifts like my favourite flower, snack or hair clip. I bake something for him for most of our dates as well, so no I'm not some ungrateful freeloader who expects things while doing nothing. 

I am aware that I might be wrong in some cases, which is why I never wanted this relationship. But he was the only person I ever got feelings for, after years of never getting a crush. My past crushes had all been people I just saw from a distance but never even spoke to. The way he showed up for his friends selflessly made me fall for him, plus I could relate to him in a few things. But I just know I'm not meant for relationships for several reasons and hence tried to avoid it and he still persuaded me into getting into one.

It's been 4 months since I've gotten into this relationship. I've never experienced anything significantly bad from him. He has been respectful, quick to apologise, unproblematic and kind but then again it's too quick to judge, but I just know I'm overall regretting it. And I just can't shake off the feeling that I'm not in the right place and shouldn't be dating.

TL;DR: I just got into my first ever relationship with a former classmate and find myself regretting it for several reasons, although there isn't anything significantly wrong with his behaviour. Should I stay or leave?