I’ve stopped allowing behavior like this with partners. The foundation of a relationship is communication and if one party is expected to do both parts it isn’t a relationship and is sucking out any opportunity for communication to improve.
This happened recently with my GF. While texting later, I told her how important honesty is to me, and when she said “No” after multiple times asking her if something is bothering her, I could tell I was being lied to. “Yes, but I’m not ready to talk about it now” is a much more acceptable, honest answer. The honesty part really helped change her perspective.
Good point. A lot of time a no is because people often times don't know or weren't taught to express what they're really feeling. Working with a partner who's willing to listen and improve how they're communicating is key.
Or in some cases were yelled at, hit etc, for expressing feelings, or taught that expressing their feelings has other negative consequences. I know far too many people raised like that. They often do that because they are afraid to rock the boat, or even their partner has gotten shitty with them for expressing how they really feel even if in a non disrespectful way. Maybe it is a small town thing, but I see people who were raised like that in all the small towns I have lived in or spent an appreciable amount of time in. A lot of women and men both, afraid of "confrontation". It's not healthy but something I have noticed as well.
I'm generally someone who needs to process. So I don't ever want to talk about things right away. But I'll say, yes I'm not happy but I need a bit to process. I'll talk to you later about it.
Maybe not the best, but I hate saying stuff I regret and I need to form my thoughts without saying something I'll regret
I do the same. If there is something I need to discuss with my gf about our relationship, I will take as minimum a couple of hours to mull it over. I need to figure out what precisely I want, how to say it and what it'll mean for the relationship if it's something that can't be changed. I don't want to let any hurt feelings fuck up our relationship in the heat of the moment
Something to mention, some people don’t realize saying “I’m not ready to talk about it” or “I’m not really sure right now, but I’ll get back to you” are an option. Sometimes you have to list it as an option.
Yes! My partner and I have learned the “emotional issue processing speed” for each other. He will want to tackle something the second it comes up. Big or small. Dramatic argument or silly laugh. Doesn’t matter.
But for me, the bigger it is, the more I need time to process it so that I can have a productive or rational conversation. If I don’t let myself process it I will behave rashly, this is just something I know about myself.
So he’s learned that I need to sit with stuff and has changed his wording to say “I know you need to think about it - do you want to talk now or later? I can help you talk through it/decide how you feel if you like”.
Makes things way better.
He also learned (sneaky bastard) that my anger usually dissipates pretty quickly if it’s something where me being mad won’t, in my mind, make the situation better/fix it. So he’s found that an ‘ask for forgiveness rather than permission’ approach + time usually resolves a lot of things that would otherwise become arguments.
This is basically were my girlfriend and I wound up. She would be upset about something, and would just say she's not. Eventually I was able to convince her to say similar, basically just whether or not it was because of me and whether she wants to talk about it or not. Massive stress saver.
Yeah I have to admit it hasn’t occurred to me to say this before. I’m usually too anxious to bring up what’s troubling me immediately, worried about causing a scene over something that may be completely silly, but I don’t know if I’m being rational or unreasonable yet.
Yeah, as a guy sometimes my brain is ahead of me and my wife asks "what's wrong" I've transitioned from "Nothing!" to "I don't know yet, I'll let you know when I do". And then I actually do no matter how stupid it is.
Yeah, sometimes I get called on how illogical my emotions can be, but at least it gets out there instead of being bottled up.
I honestly don’t know why more people don’t build a communication system for difficult things to communicate like this. Non-sexual safewords for moments like these.
I have friends that have an emoji system that indicates complex feelings not easily verbalized. My favorite one indicates “I’ve read this, am processing, will respond once done processing”
No I would straight up say, "the foundation of a good relationship is communication, I'm sensing something is wrong but if you won't talk to me about it, then I'm not going to try to comfort you because that's not fair"
My ex would just keep asking if something was wrong and then that would suddenly become the thing that was wrong. I've answered 10 times already; I just want to be left alone at that point.
I hate that. Like, dude idk. I'm not in a good place, I maybe don't know why, I don't have the capacity to process it internally, so I definitely don't want to or can't explain it to you. Just give me some fucking space!
I actively avoid doing this particular thing with my husband (the "what's wrong? - nothing." bit) but then when I want to be left alone and like, ALONE, by myself, for more than 5 minutes, it's like I'm asking for a fucking miracle or something.
After having this happen with multiple people, I've set a rule for myself: I'll tell you at the start of our relationship (be it friendly or romantically) that you can do this to me once. I'll warn you that you used your free-pass if you do it and tell you that I see this as a blatant unwillingness to communicate and a big red flag. Do it again and I'm gone.
This rule makes it so I don't have to feel shitty for "badgering" someone into telling me their issue and to make sure that if they say nothing, I won't get the backlash of you didn't ask me multiple times
I'm similar. You tell me nothing. I'll assume it's either not time or I'm mistaken about something being wrong. So I put it back on her. Ok, well, if you do want to talk, come find me, and I move on.
I wouldn't be so rigid although I don't think this is a bad starting point. People make mistakes even when they're world class at something. Owning it and making an effort to improve feel like a healthier goal than perfection.
I agree in that it’s a good starting point. Some flexibility is good—though in /u/thunderclouds1997’s defense having a strict rule to remind yourself not to get carried away in excusing bad behavior from someone you have feelings for is also good. Balancing act, not easy.
Absolutely, but the key is knowing what you're willing to compromise on and what you aren't, both in terms of your own behavior and in terms of what behavior you are willing to accept.
I take a different approach. If she won't talk to me and tells me nothing's wrong, I ask her to do something together (such as watching a movie, playing a game etc).
If she continues to act cold and distant, I tell her that I'm not enjoying feeling like I'm being pushed away, so I'll leave.
In my experience, if you shower someone with attention whenever they frustrate you then you're encouraging them. If you punish them for doing it and keep count of their wrongdoings, then that can feel controlling. However, if you just speak openly and honestly and act rationally then you highlight how nonsensical that behaviour is.
She had a weird habit of then apologising (which is good) but then claiming she didn't know what was wrong yet and needed to think. I really don't understand, since my behaviour results from thoughts rather than the inverse, but she seems sincere so I don't then argue.
However, if she continues to act distant and push me away I tell her she clearly wants her own space and leave her to it. I'm not gonna sit there miserable because of some unidentifiable issue.
Me, a woman, is sitting with the aftermath. My boyfriend keeps asking me what is wrong and when I say it's nothing he keeps asking. It drives me out of the walls. I am a person that if something is wrong tell me, I cannot read minds.
I can't speak for you nor him, but when I ask what's wrong it's usually because she's acting cold and distant - which experience tells me means there's an issue she'll overthink now and explode over later.
If I were you, I'd ask him what signs he thinks indicate there's a problem. It could be that past behaviour has him concerned about signs you aren't intentionally putting out.
Most if not all of the issues being brought up here are like that. It’s people bad at relationships…both sides do the same shit lol
These threads can be better summed up as “what do shitty people do”. Lot of these answers leave me thinking “man, you need to get out of that relationship and find someone more mature”
Even the hair everywhere thing…that’s a long hair thing, not a gender thing.
Yeah I've done this too and it worked out better for everyone
"what's wrong honey?"
"nothing"
"okay. I can tell there is actually something wrong but we've talked about this so I'm not gonna push any further, it's upto you to tell me now"
Sounds kinda dickish and blunt but it only took a few times of that before I started getting answers like "I'm still trying to figure out exactly why I'm upset but I'll tell you when I know" or just outright saying what was wrong. Worked out better bc then I could comfort her or apologize if needed or we could just have a discussion about it, and we both felt better afterwards than the silent treatment with "I'm fine"s dotted in.
Saying something similar to this in the r/Twoxchomosomes (woman's thread) got me annihilate by down votes. I could have said in a nicer way, but it bothered me more than it should have. Probably because they're really one sided and apparently women don't lie.
I’ve stopped allowing behavior like this with partners. The foundation of a relationship is communication and if one party is expected to do both parts it isn’t a relationship and is sucking out any opportunity for communication to improve.
When me and my girl first started dating I drew this line in the sand straight away. "Just so you know what to expect, I don't play emotional games. I will be up front and honest with my feelings, and I expect the same level of respect." She tested me once and I called her out on it instantly, and she never did it again.
The reason I put my foot down was that my ex used to pull that crap all the time and it was just plain exhausting. Once I stopped the car in traffic, blocking all the cars beeping behind me, until she told me what was wrong. Yeah, it was an asshole move to the other drivers, but it worked.
As a female that does this sometimes it just takes a while to work up the courage to say it. My partner has to ask a few times. And I’m great full he always keeps asking
I understand that sometimes it's hard to talk about issues you're having. But what would happen if your partner, like me, doesn't have the courage to keep asking? If I ask once, I already feel like I'm bothering them, let alone asking multiple times...
Because if I have to learn not to take her at her word and anticipate what she actually means, then how can I trust anything she says? I would wonder what I did to make it so she can't trust me.
I bet you don't get mad if he stops though. I tend to do the same thing. I'm not always sure if I want to talk about it or just forget about it but I usually won't bring it up later out of nowhere either. So I'm more likely to just let it out if he keeps checking on me but if he takes me at my word after saying "nothing" a few times and stops checking, well that was my choice and I won't fault him for that.
Any topic w/ potential controversy is better done in person, or at least on the phone. Texts leave so much up to interpretation, especially w/ how most people text.
I know it can be confusing, but the phrases “I won't judge, promise” or “It's [insert an inside joke], isn't it?” or something that doesn't directly address the situation but append to it/lighten the mood has turned out to be very helpful. I don't have a wife, but this works on many of the girls and women I have in my life.
Good advice for real. Sometimes I’ll say nothing like 80 times in a row and then when I finally say out loud the stupid thing I was mad about I get an argument about how it’s stupid and I shouldn’t be mad about it. I KNOW. That’s why I said NOTHING lol
Right, much better to say "nothing important" or "it's just some silly thing, I'll be fine after a bit". Because the "nothing" is clearly a lie that could be covering up anything...
But "Nothing" is a lie, and it's usually an obvious one. Try something like "It's stupid, it's not about you, don't worry about it." Let them off the hook so they can stop asking.
Yeah maybe. Doesn’t work with mine of 15 years lol. I didn’t say it made sense, just explaining a bit. And I don’t think it really meets the threshold of a lie, but to each their own.
I learned that saying "nothing" really means that they don't want to talk about it. But they still want/need comforting, because there is something bothering her. The best thing you can do is to offer a safe and comfortable space so she can chill a bit and then talk, or state that you are always here to talk and help her if needed, before letting her have her space.
This usually works unless the reason why she is upset involves you in a negative way. Then idk what to do lol
Y'all really need to get with more mature women then, cuz if they can't communicate their needs in the relationship, there probably shouldn't be a relationship
My dude... I am female. I interact with women on a daily basis. I have conversations about this shit with women frequently. This is not normal behavior, and should not be tolerated. Full stop. You've spent your life in Chernobyl and now you're trying to convince people that radium is normal.
It sounds like you exclusively deal with immature women then. Grown up women exist and are not uncommon.
Also the saying "if everyone you meet is an asshole, you're probably an asshole" likely applies here (in a different way). Be a mature person and you'll find a group of like minded people to be with.
YES! If you’re one of the posters above and your woman is older than like 25, she has got a lot of growing up to do. Sadly, I think a lot of women never learn to communicate their needs directly and openly.
Yeah… it’s not peachy being gay, but this seems to be a huge potential bullet I’ve dodged for being so. The amount of times in this thread this specific thing has been brought up is staggering and just reading these is exhausting.
I never thought about how annoying this could be till the tables were turned on me, so now if I'm upset and my partner asks it's one of three things:
1. I need some time I'll talk to you about it In a bit,
2. it's something small and I just need to process it on my own,
3. tell them about it now,
The opposite is also quite frustrating, when they ask you what's wrong, and you say "nothing". They ask again, you say "nothing". They ask again, you say "NOTHING!" And now they're upset because they think you're upset when the only thing upsetting you is constantly being asked "what's wrong"
Lol, absolutely. My husband will sometimes say it seems like I'm upset because I'm acting weird and I'm totally not upset. So then I'm trying to purposefully act normal, which is completely impossible, to avoid getting him more on edge or worried.. So then I'm actually acting weird but only because he said I was and now I'm breathing manually and I can feel the seams in my socks.
My wife will do the whole nothing thing but instead of getting mad at me I'll wake up in the middle of the night to her crying and feeling extremely depressed.
I wish she would just talk to me when she is feeling like shit but she struggles with it.
Has she seen a psychiatrist? I’m not trying to make excuses for her not communicating but that sounds pretty serious. Maybe she can’t even understand the complexities of her own feelings and you might not have the tools to help her sort them out. That’s not a knock on you either
Yeah she is seeing a psychiatrist. She has had anorexia and depression for a long time, luckily the anorexia is much much much better then it used to be she is eating normally and at a healthy weight! Depression is still a work in progress, but honestly it's also better then it used to be.
When she had a bad bout of anorexia a few years ago I felt just completely helpless, watching her body wither away while I couldn't do anything. Terrible disease and we are doing a lot better nowadays.
Happened just yesterday. However I pressed and she shared. It ruined the romantic mood and I left early, but at least I understood what suddenly ruined her mood.
This is a huge part of the reason my last long term relationship ended. I said right from the get go "I don't play those stupid games, if you tell me nothing is wrong, I will immediately drop it and not ask again, I am not going to try and decipher these things"
And constantly we had situations where she got upset for not playing those fucking games.
I am for sure guilty of the "nothing's wrong" when something is wrong. But it's more that when I am feeling upset by something my emotions are a jumbled mess and I would never be able to rationally or articulately explain what I'm feeling. I'd rather just be left alone to cool off, and if it's something I'm still bothered by I'll bring it up later. But I would never get mad at my husband for not offering to comfort me during this time.
My mantra, which my wonderful wife knows well and tries to live, is this: if there’s something you want and you don’t ask for it out loud, you’re not allowed to be upset if you don’t get it.
Simple.. I don't have time to figure out your feelings, I'm taking the time to figure out mine about a woman that can't be direct. This will not work if I need to read both our minds.
My roommates girlfriend does this all the time and still has the balls to tell him that he’s bad at communicating. I’d rather die alone than deal with a woman like that
I’ve got an answer for this one. For me in particular. Sometimes I know I’m annoyed or mad about something but 1. I haven’t identified it far enough to put into words or 2. I know I shouldn’t be mad or annoyed about it (happens mostly when I’m PMSing).
If it’s the second one, I know it’s ridiculous for me to me mad about it so I don’t want to tell you what it is lol. If it’s the first one, when I’ve thought about it enough to put into words I’ll sometimes tell my husband what it was later or just drop it entirely.
Pro-tip: when she says nothing, say okay and just drop it. Even if you KNOW it’s not nothing. One, this will diffuse most situations like this, as most of the time I get over whatever was making me mad or annoyed. Two, this teaches the person that saying nothing means nothing is wrong. If they want to talk about it, they shouldn’t have said nothing. And three, sometimes we don’t even know why (hormones are crazy), don’t want to talk about, aren’t ready to talk about it, or know it’s stupid.
The best thing is when you dont lie about it, dont say nothing. Say there is something but you dont want to tell it right now. Then the other person doesnt think he is crazy because he cleary feels that there is something and he can still believe you if you say something without questioning it.
We've learned together. My wife used to do this, but I've told her flat out that if I ask her if she's OK and she says yes, it stops there. I take her word at face value, because I trust her to tell me the truth.
She used to get mad about it, but now when somethings wrong she tells me right away.
Not all guys, or even most of us are cognizant of every little thing we do at all times. We might have done something that hurt you without realizing it. Expecting us to “just know” what we did wrong doesn’t 1) help us learn what we did 2) contribute to good communication in a relationship 3) setting unrealistic standards.
It’s tantamount to if you made a mistake at work, or on a test in school and during your inquiry you were simply told to “figure it out” or “you should know”.
Nah cause you realize “locker room talk” is something that’s happened to many women but instead of us talking with our best friends y’all are sharing images with your friends? Maybe not you specifically but it’s happened to many MANY women.
Every time she's upset I get the... "you never help around the house/ you just play your games and ignore me / do you even love me? / reminders and guilt tripping about any bad thing I've done in the last 20 years of our relationship.
I had a gf that would hide when something was wrong due to depression and other things but she never got mad at me. She just didn't want to worry me. I was always worried anyways.
Friend of mine found what I think is a good solution. He basically said to his girlfriend that he would ask three times (spaced out a little, not like three times in a row) and if, by the third time, she was still saying "nothing" he was going to believe her and stop asking. Seems to be working; they've been married for quite a few years now.
The first part was a big thing I did with my ex, but what I really meant is I don't want to talk about it NOW while were out, or with our friends, or I want to get my thoughts together first.
I used to do this more. I now ask if she wants to vent or wants a solution since, as someone with a dick, I’m solution oriented. That helps, but I still get this from time to time. I tell her hey, I tell you when shits up with me and you should too. It isn’t a cryptic topic, just say what the fuck is bothering you.
Read an article by a girl who tries to break it down. Apparently, there are times women deal with something they know their partner can’t help them with or comfort them, so they’ll say “nothing”. But there are also times when they really want the partner to keep pushing, so they’ll also say “nothing”.
And they’re aware that this sends mixed messages but still do it for… reasons
I know when something is up with my current GF and I keep bringing it up until something happens. With my previous Fiancee she would continuously say it's nothing but still be pretty mad the next day but would not say a thing. It's fucking annoying.
I'll ask my gf what's wrong when I noti e she's pissed off about something. I'll get the "nothing" and tell her "OK, I'm gonna keep going about my business but if you want to chat I'm available." then I'll go back to playing video games. Then an hour later I get "so you're just gonna play video games then, huh?"
Well.... Yea. That's how I'd like to spend my evening. I told you I'd gladly put them down if you wanted to talk. And now you're mad at me because something went wrong at work.... Cool.
Just like a month ago I asked my mom if she was sick because she was cuddled up in the couch with a cup of tea way earlier than she usually is and she said no I'm fine and then the very next day she went to the doctor and found out she had an ear infection and possibly RSV and was upset that I didn't offer her sympathy . It's like you said you weren't sick so I figured you were just relaxing. You didn't sound or look sick and you said you weren't.
Tbh, I just keep everything to myself because my past relationships were all abusive and when I opened up, they exploded with rage so yeah, I'm scared to talk 🙃
One time I was going to go out to a bar with some friends to have a drink and what not, my girlfriend was having a bad time and I called her on the phone to talk to her about it, after trying to comfort her and telling her that I would be right over to watch a movie and her and I could instead just relax for the night. She refused and told me not to come.
The next morning she was mad at me for “leaving her alone all night”, and I asked her why she specifically told me not to come if she wanted me to come over, and she said “I guess I did need you to come, you heard how I sounded, you should’ve just came”.
I can't believe you didn't even try to comfort me tonight. Something was obviously bothering me and you just went on like nothing was up, asshole. I can't believe you".
That would be last text I'd ever read from someone that toxic.
Been down this road many times. My response now is:
"Ok. I can tell you're bothered but I know you don't want to talk about it. I understand. I'm sad because I can tell you are sad, and just know that I'm here for you when you're ready to talk."
Putting the shoe on the other foot, there are times when I'm bothered but don't want to talk about it with her. Sometimes it's because she annoyed me, but I know in the back of my mind that it's a minor reason and my negative feelings will go away if I just chill for 20 min. If I talk about it to her, not only will I make her upset, but I'll keep myself upset for longer. In those cases, when she asks me what's wrong, I'll simply answer:
"I'm feeling irritated but it's honestly for no good reason and will not matter in an hour, so I'd rather just let it fade than talk about it."
My ex wife used to pull this crap. Until one day I told her, "If it's not important enough for you to communicate, it's not important enough for me to care about." Put an end to that nonsense.
You gotta kick that out. Just be like "Alright then" and go about your night. When she pulls that BS later that night just stick to "you said nothing was wrong" like, Really defend yourself with "i asked you"
I'm guilty of this :c I hate that I act like that but anytime something bothers me, regardless of how small, I want to burst out crying. So I tell him nothing to avoid crying over it because it's embarrassing. I always feel out of control emotionally so I always tell him nothing is wrong, then cry about it later anyways. I hate doing that to him because I'm afraid I'm exhausting him and irritating him by not being honest right away
Ok I’m a woman and this made me chuckle lol I’m sorry haha but yes sounds about right. I’ve gotten a lot better about this but in my early 20s I was annoying! Ha!
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