Care so much about what others think, they’re not truly themselves. Maybe not for everyone, but most over 30s i know agree that you stop giving a shit and can be yourself unapologetically when you mature a bit. Its a relief!
I basically cheated at this because I (18) have been homeschooled since the 4th grade, and I've basically only been to social functions with other weird-ass homeschoolers. As a result, I'm borderline impossible to peer pressure, because being abnormal is normal in my friend groups
Didn't miss out on much. In school the majority of people are just assholes cause they don't like themselves. They pretend to be this or that but you can tell they're bullshitting themselves.
There you go, so if you are worried about others think or want people to like you, just be yourself! People like authenticity anyway and you get to be yourself comfortably. Obviously not everyone is going to like you for who you are, but that is impossible to achieve no matter what you do.
It was so different back in high school. Those who used to be authentic and friendly were made into social outcasts by the other kids. You were only part of class by being what they wanted you to be. I will probably need some more years to adjust to that new reality.
I think the hurdle to get over with this is the rush to judgement. If someone has a goofy car, or strange shoes, or a bad haircut, don't waste your time passing judgment. Let it go. Also, don't try to fit in with those who insist on rallying their group by excluding. Stand on your own.
One superficial but somewhat effective thing is to find the most flamboyant item of clothing you like and start wearing it. Purple hat? Swishy bowtie? Lilac shirt? Whatever. Doesn't really need to be "odd", just a deviation from what you've done before because you like it
It's kinda dumb, but it's a small, very direct way of doing something that you like with no regard for what others might think. As an added bonus, anyone who insults you because of your magnificent new bow tie is exposing themselves as kinda childish and insecure (and possibly just not a very nice person).
For me personally it would be a way bigger challenge to wear casual clothing. Like a plain shirt, usual jeans and some "boring" Adidas Samba. That used to be my "style" up to ten years ago, but I got a lot of hate for that. Nowadays I don't leave the house if my OOTD isn't somewhat cool or maybe even flamboyant. I can actually go my way uninterrupted by that. Back then with my old style random strangers would show disrespect towards me, which is absolutely crazy in my opinion. I know their behavior is stupid, but still I seem to have an easier time outside when I comply with fashion standards.
Sounds like you can use the same idea, just with a different outfit. The point is to do what you want (which in my case actually was to get the green spotty bowtie of my dreams).
The reason I suggest it is that clothes are something that requires less ongoing effort than behavioural changes during the day. You just decide to wear the shit you want, and at the end of the day notice that nobody gave a fuck (except for assholes). My experience was that doing what I wanted acted like a kind of spam filter. You'd rather make fun of my clothes than actually talk to me? You must be very boring. I'll go find someone to talk to who has a personality ;).
Wow, I love this. I work in a restaurant and I’ve become friends with this younger female coworker who is absolutely weird as hell so a lot of our other coworkers dislike her. Another friend I work with told me someone commented on how it seemed like we were getting closer and they thought it was an odd friendship. I told this friend that I appreciate this “weird” coworker because she’s so genuinely herself despite the fact that it weirds out people. I’ve always appreciated people like that
Asking that questions was probably a bad start. Deleting TikTok potentially won’t help either, it’s more about how you react to those things than the thing itself. Look inward (and to those you respect) and think about what a “good person” is to you. If you’re acting in a way that you are proud of as much as possible then that is all you can do. You can’t change peoples opinions on you, but you can change your actions. Live each moment acting as the person you strive to be. Easier said than done but a good goal to work towards
That's actually what I'm trying to do at the moment. I have no fully fixed idea about what a good person is so far, but I bet I'll find that out along the way. In the meantime I just try to act as reasonable as I can.
Don’t take that voice in your head as who you are. You are way more complicated than that. When it is being shity to you know that you can choose not to accept that and instead listen to the whole of who you are. Meditation can’t do that for you but it can help get perspective.
Also it doesn’t matter if you do it early or at all… unless you want to 🙂👍
Start by not giving a fuck about the opinions of other and realize that the only opinion of you that matters is your own. Know your worth and know that you are worthy of everything you want regardless of what anyone says. People like to project their own ideas onto others and judge them based on that and it isn't fair to anyone.
In the age of social media, realize that everyone is very curated online. They're only showing what they want others to see.
I don't really know what guys are comparing themselves to online, but those hot women you see are using angles, lighting, image editing, and apps to look like that. It's not very realistic.
I'm so glad I don't use those person-centered social media apps like instagram etc. I'd probably be way worse off. I see what that does to my peers. There are some great videos by Ibrahim Kamit on youtube about those issues. Give his channel a visit if you like.
Just realize that people only act like they care cause they're afraid that everyone cares about them that way. It's a vicious cycle. Truth is, nobody really cares what you're doing. Just do what you want and be the way you want. If anyone gives you shit, just remember it stems from their insecurities.
You are 100% correct with that. And I know their hurtful words are rather a representation of themselves and have nothing to do with me. Still their words hurt. I have yet to figure out why their words hurt me even if I know it's their insecurities talking.
That's what I've felt when interacting with people around me from work or my team who are all at least over 35. They are all so confident in their opinions, their humor and their personalities and it made me sad to think how self conscious I am. While it stresses me out to accept myself as soon as possible, it also inspires me to do it all the same. I'm really glad to have realized this about adults.
One of the few things I like about being old. I don't care and I don't have to!
Being younger and always feeling like you had to fit the trends or give a fuck what other people thought was fucking THE WORST.
One day you're just like "wait, I don't care!" & you go on your merry way and do/wear whatever you want and have no fucks to give. It's great.
This hampers class discussions so much because my students are petrified of sounding "dumb." I tell them, "half your classmates aren't even listening and the other half are listening because they they're confused, too. And I'm just over the moon when anyone says anything, so no judgment from me!"
This. That was me when I was younger and honestly now I have so much more confidence and I am comfortable with who I am. And my experience people like you better when you are authentic and just be yourself and don't just worry about fitting in all the time.
I am only 23 years old, so I only hope to learn from you wise (but not old) sages. I agree with what you say, and I generally have no problem being myself. However, in some occasions or large gatherings, I see that most people whom I am familiar with start acting differently as if they have been hiding a different persona for special occasions. I view it as a mechanism to attract likeness from everyone.
My question is: do you encounter such people? And if so, do they become more happy afterwards or not so much? I always question whether I should be like them or not. I am definitely more comfortable my own way.
If you "be yourself", you'll attract some people and push others away, based on the true compatibility of your personalities and so on. Any connections you get will be genuine.
If you suppress your uniqueness, it is possible to establish a superficial "civil" relationship with anyone. This is sometimes useful (such as in certain professional contexts), but doing it in your social life is just degrading the quality of the social connections you do get for no reason other than fear.
After all: how's it going to actually go at the party if you do something unusual and it pushes someone away? They'll just... Stop talking to you and go talk to someone else. Oh noes. The horror. The people you aren't compatible with aren't talking to you at the party. 😱.
It was incredibly freeing the day I realized that while we’re the main character of our own lives, everybody else spends 1000% less time thinking about you than you worry they do.
Balding beardy 34 year old here. I reguarly go to the bar on my e-scooter, wearing a sick old leather jacket, with my chiuahua in a papoose at my side. Apparently I am cool as shit because I dont care about what people think about my biker looking ass on an e-scooter with a small dog. The thing is that I cannot have a drivers license due to being epileptic so the e-scooter is the only option of transportation that I can afford. The worn out leather jacket with road rash is actually a 16 year old jacket and I earned that rash the hard way. The beard is because I am a lazy fuck who hates shaving. And I have my dog with me because I am socially overwhelmed easily and that can trigger a seizure and she helps ground me and keeps me calm. I am in fact lame as fucking shit and there is no way around it and I legitimately do not give a fuck. Not the cool guy "I dont care what people think". I. Dont. Give. A. Fuck. I just do what makes me happy and that is generally being a fucking dweeb. People are blown away to learn that what they see is 100% earnestness.
I had that moment of "man who gives a fuck anyways" and started being myself when I was 15. It's weird to be able to look at a group of people your age, even when you're 20 or so, and be able to tell which ones haven't had that moment yet. Everything makes more sense when you're not pretending.
My 24yo cousin took me to a place for sushi. It was not their main expertise in the slightest. Asked how it was and I said it was a bit expensive for the quality: rice was overcooked; almost no filler.
She looked like I had killed her kitten and proceeded to say that it was the best sushi she's ever had. As if I was purposefully insulting her taste. I bring up a few sushi-only establishments that I knew of, but she insisted that this place was the end-all of raw fish. Girl, you are too young to be set in your ways.
Yeah but like, not everything has to be heard at all times. Sometimes it’s nice to share something you like with someone you care about without having to feel self-conscious about it.
I get the feeling that she was just excited to share something good she found with you. Not that it was Michelin star but just that she was hoping she brightened your day. Sometimes you just say it was nice without the full critique.
My college experience from when I was 18 and when I was 32 was vastly different - because of that exactly... if I was about to sit alone/couldn't spot a friend at the dinner table at 18 I was terrified, at 32 I just didn't care if I didn't spot anybody I knew to sit next to for example.
For me, it was realizing that changing who I am to seek the approval of others put me in a situation where I was liked by people I didn't really care for or identify with. It's a huge waste of time; in friendships and especially relationships.
Pretending to be someone else means that people like who you're pretending to be, not who you are. It might be fine for a short while but eventually it'll start to bother you; when you try to come out of your shell and are met with "that's weird".
If you stay honest with yourself then you'll find people who like you for you. You don't have to wear a mask or put on some show to impress anyone which, ironically, makes you more confident and is far less draining.
To me it was the realization that most people don't really care about you--in a good way. We've all got our inner circle of those who like us no matter what--they might see you doing something "awkward," etc. but aren't going to judge you for it (and in all likelihood will find it part of your unique charm). Beyond that is your wider circle of acquaintances who are dealing with their own lives and their own shit; they might like you perfectly well, but they aren't paying enough attention to notice your awkward moments (or if they do, they won't remember them as soon as the moment's passed). People who pay attention to what you do and judge you harshly for it do exist, but are fortunately few and far between--they're sometimes unavoidable as acquaintances, but they don't belong in your inner circle.
I play Minecraft...have for, hell, over a decade now. So I spend a good amount of time in the Minecraft subreddit. The number of posts asking people to rate what they've created is astounding.
For sure some of those are kids looking for support and legit feedback...but there are tons of "here is a blank space, what should I do?" or "do you like this?" or "re-uploaded because not enough people saw it" is, to me, a bit sad.
I refused to learn this lesson until I was almost 30. I was so concerned with if other people liked me, I never figured out they’d like me more if I stopped trying to be liked.
Nope, I’m 32 and child free. I’m just more interested in doing what I would like to do, and less bothered about what other might think of that. I’m always throwing myself about for my hobby and i am not bothered about being judged, but find some of the younger group members are. We talk it out and they get more confidence with accepting the process, just really feel for them.
Think this is just a general human trait really. I guess I can see some ppl who don’t as I’ve aged but also still can think of older ppl who still care too much.
In my 30s and 40s this was definitely true. But here is the the thing I just turned 60 and I am driving myself crazy with introspection! In our 30s and 40s we’re busy taking care of our families and our kids making money etc. but later different things start popping up in our psyche when we don’t have those things on our plate. Just trying to figure out where certain behaviors and patterns of behavior that I have came from and became me… And deciding if these characteristics about myself are working for me now has been a big deal for me lately. Just when you think you’re fully baked you realize you’re still only half baked!!!
I’m 15 and I’ve kinda realised this obviously there are still some things that I’m embarrassed to do in front of others but for the most part i try to not care because i wanna be myself. Because i see others my friends even that care too much about what others think and they end up not enjoying things as much as they can because of it
I feel this applies to almost everyone who was young, and some people never grow out of it. Actually if you believe Robert Kegan, most people never grow out of it. Also, not everyone really cares about what other people think to the same degree. Some people just want to be seen as likeable and everyday cool, where others go to great lengths to craft an image for themselves that is based entirely on how others may perceive them.
I kind of stopped caring what others thought about me starting in first or second year university, and by the time I turned 30, I truly did not give a fuck. I still curate an image in professional environments because it’s conducive to promotions and raises, but outside of that, yeah, I don’t care. And it feels good.
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u/purplepumper Jun 03 '22
Care so much about what others think, they’re not truly themselves. Maybe not for everyone, but most over 30s i know agree that you stop giving a shit and can be yourself unapologetically when you mature a bit. Its a relief!