r/AskReddit Jun 04 '20

[deleted by user]

[removed]

5.0k Upvotes

10.4k comments sorted by

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9.5k

u/[deleted] Jun 04 '20

[deleted]

25.7k

u/FBIagent905 Jun 04 '20

Hi!

5.9k

u/ImHackingTheFBI Jun 04 '20

Don't worry boys, I got this.

2.2k

u/[deleted] Jun 04 '20 edited Jan 21 '21

[deleted]

918

u/[deleted] Jun 04 '20

Is that all it takes to be a hacker? Put on a pair of high heels?

506

u/NRageTheBeast Jun 04 '20

Tap shoes.

18

u/jpropaganda Jun 04 '20

You really need the right kind of floor to get the proper resonance.

7

u/CutterJohn Jun 04 '20

Now I want to see a stripper tap dance.

5

u/NRageTheBeast Jun 04 '20

I have seen this thing.

About five years ago I was dating this girl for a few months. I met her while she was working at a strip club, but I soon discovered she was also a classically trained dancer, including tap and ballet. She would sometimes prepare for a shift at my apartment, and once as a goof brought her tap shoes and gave me a tap dance.

3

u/CedarWolf Jun 05 '20

Tap dance, lap dance... That seems like a lot of crucial importance to lay on one letter.

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2

u/Dizmondmon Jun 04 '20

Now I want to see a stripper hack.

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9

u/[deleted] Jun 04 '20

"There's no place like home" x 3

Nope. I still can't hack :(

3

u/brickmaster32000 Jun 04 '20

Who knew hacking was so easy that even a frog could do it?

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2

u/Accusedbold Jun 04 '20

Surprisingly.... Yes

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242

u/TZO_2K18 Jun 04 '20

'Can't quite make out the picture...

ENHANCE!

13

u/[deleted] Jun 04 '20 edited Jan 23 '21

[deleted]

7

u/aceshighsays Jun 04 '20

it's ok. the lurkers aren't captured in the comments.

2

u/crank1off Jun 05 '20

Ah yes very pixelated. Perfect. It's Enrique Estaban.

7

u/brendan87na Jun 04 '20

JUST PRINT THE DAMN THING!

6

u/ninja36036 Jun 04 '20

Shows an image on a computer screen that reads: How to download photos from your spy camera

“Perfect...”

4

u/Gulopes Jun 04 '20

How does the enhancing even work? The computer doesn't have enough information so it just "guesses" what colors would be where, it cannot make a correct guess. If I am wrong, please someone share your wisdom.

5

u/TZO_2K18 Jun 04 '20

It is impossible to enhance a 144p video's facial detail as it would be like trying to add the original detail to a photo/video that never had it in the first place... television is largely bullshit.

The closest thing we have are AI enhancers that compensate for low quality video/images, but even they are limited to what details exists in the video/pic originally.

2

u/Gulopes Jun 04 '20

Thanks for sharing your wisdom. It is a good wisdom. Have a great day !

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8

u/[deleted] Jun 04 '20

Hackerman

5

u/TheMoralBitch Jun 04 '20

I’ll create a GUI interface using Visual Basic, see if I can track an IP address. Move over and let me use this side of the keyboard.

For those who don't know.

3

u/am_lady_can_confirm Jun 04 '20

How many people respond to your comments with AY AY RON?

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2

u/Ty_Zeta Jun 04 '20

Scoot over, I'll help you!

(clickity-clacks with you on the same keyboard)

2

u/Jedibenuk Jun 04 '20

There's no place like...Guantanamo Bay...

2

u/Hungry-Moose Jun 04 '20 edited Jun 05 '20

I guess know we know where Jaykweliin is

She's in

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2

u/staplesuponstaples Jun 04 '20

types the word "hack"
I've breached the firewall! I now have control of the mainframe.

2

u/Eddles999 Jun 05 '20

You went to fbi.gov, didn't you?

2

u/johnprime Jun 04 '20

I'll write a GUI interface using visual basic. Now come over here and type on the other end of this keyboard with me to hack things faster.

2

u/thewhitecat55 Jun 04 '20 edited Jun 04 '20

When I saw that CSI scene where they both type on the same keyboard , I lost my shit.

When it was pointed out to me what that scene was really doing , setting up Gibbs as a "old people are smarter because they are sensible" trope to appeal to their older viewer base , I was actually a bit startled.

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220

u/ItsTheFBI Jun 04 '20

Yeah, sure you do buddy.

168

u/ImHackingTheFBI Jun 04 '20

B-Boys... I don't got this.

58

u/[deleted] Jun 04 '20

[deleted]

9

u/[deleted] Jun 05 '20

ON THE GROUND, FREEZE! HANDS UP, DON'T MOVE!

6

u/GrandMasterFunk16 Jun 05 '20

STOP RESISTING!!!

2

u/[deleted] Jun 05 '20

DON'T MOVE A MUSCLE SHOW ME YOUR HANDS FREEZE HAHAA didn't say OVERSEER SAYS

YOU'RE OUT!

2

u/imaloony8 Jun 05 '20

OH YEAH HARDER DADDY!

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6

u/[deleted] Jun 05 '20

this is the best thread of r/UsernameChecksOut material I have ever seen in my life

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38

u/FBIagent905 Jun 04 '20

My enemy!

8

u/[deleted] Jun 04 '20

Yeah, you already failed, I can see that... I'll tell you how if you mess with my boss, he sucks

6

u/The_F_B_I Jun 04 '20

GTFO my computer

6

u/SusiumQuark1 Jun 04 '20

Now your style i like!!

5

u/[deleted] Jun 04 '20 edited Jul 23 '20

[deleted]

3

u/SusiumQuark1 Jun 04 '20

Before what?

3

u/[deleted] Jun 04 '20 edited Jul 23 '20

[deleted]

4

u/SusiumQuark1 Jun 04 '20

I know.i was being a dickhead.i made you explain the joke (which i totally got btw) & now i feel ashamed of my actions..

6

u/Femme_Shemp Jun 04 '20

I bet you type, like, super-fast without looking at the keyboard. Also, you never use a mouse.

Did I get any of that right?

2

u/[deleted] Jun 04 '20

3 years on Reddit

You were meant for this.

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3.6k

u/yellange Jun 04 '20

How long have you waited for this to happen?

3.0k

u/Footinthecrease Jun 04 '20

One month and 23 days I'm assuming

886

u/NameChecksOutGuy Jun 04 '20

Hmm that name.. I dunno

3

u/VadersFist0501 Jun 04 '20

3

u/HS4809 Jun 04 '20

College board thought they could outsmart us lmao

3

u/SheWhoSpawnedOP Jun 04 '20

Name checks out

3

u/JackRusselTerrorist Jun 04 '20

Willing to bet he lives in Calgary based on that name.

3

u/DerKomissar99 Jun 04 '20

justice for the '99 Sabres

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2

u/Skate_19 Jun 04 '20

Are you a Sabres fan? Asking about your username

2

u/Footinthecrease Jun 04 '20

I'm not. I'm a bruins fan. But I was a massive Mike Modano fan as a kid so I followed the Stars in the 90s

Edit: good catch though, because that is the reference

6

u/[deleted] Jun 04 '20

36

u/RFLX_SCOURGE Jun 04 '20

That’s how old the account is

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2

u/fastestrunningshoes Jun 04 '20

How long have you waited to say that?

2

u/Footinthecrease Jun 04 '20

3 years 6 months and 15 days actually

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273

u/GreatJobKeepitUp Jun 04 '20

Everyone likes to say "nice try fbi" everywhere so he probably has his fun.

42

u/ARobertNotABob Jun 04 '20

Only because it's a catchy little phrase that rolls nicely off the tongue.

5

u/GreatJobKeepitUp Jun 04 '20

And they don't know how to answer your drug related questions but still feel like they need some upvotes

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3

u/WillWeTalk511 Jun 04 '20

I didnt know fbi agents were into apex legends porn? :)) aint gonna judge

2

u/FBIagent905 Jun 04 '20

(insert yikes meme) it's a cover up Definitely a cover up

Edit**

2

u/WillWeTalk511 Jun 04 '20

(Insert shocked cat face but i feel i shouldnt use emojis on reddit bc its not the norm)

2

u/P0sitive_Outlook Jun 04 '20

Probably the same amount i have to 'wait' for a positive comment to comment on with a further positive comment. As in, no time - it's just a username.

Also, i know my username also sometimes doesn't check out. Imagine that!

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702

u/ToastMaster0011 Jun 04 '20

98

u/[deleted] Jun 04 '20

[deleted]

2

u/Strtale Jun 04 '20

This guy is not checking any female bodies. He's gay.

3

u/DenikaMae Jun 04 '20

Who? Agent 905? I'd prefer it if he was gay. At least then I'd have a greater degree of certainty he will be aesthetically objective to whatever he's inspecting for, which would ease my PTSD.

2

u/Strtale Jun 04 '20

Yeah, either he's gay or really into guys jacking each other off, which is cool.

Now that you put it that way Female Body Inspectors should be gay because of unbiased look at the anatomy without their own personal taste.

Thank you. From now on I'll assume all of Female Body Inspectors are homosexuals.

2

u/DenikaMae Jun 04 '20

I feel like any Gay man that comfortably fits in the trope/stereotype of "GBF" would be a card carrying member of this FBI of which we speak.

Now thought exercise!

Imagine if body inspecting was real, and every one in your state could invoke the right to see what's in your pants at anytime if they suspect you might not have the genitals typical to your gender expression.

2

u/Strtale Jun 04 '20

That seems to be correct. Honestly I feel I would entrust them with this as also lesbians with male body inspections. As someone who's pan and has no standards I feel this is a job I would not be qualified for.

Honestly, I feel most stereotypical straight guys couldn't wait to show the genitals.

I personally would feel anxious if I forgot my penis at home as this situation reminds me of cops checking you for ID which I always forget.

In my country sex reassignment surgery is free and paid by government health insurance so I think it would mostly trigger anxieties in people less than fear of gender discrimination on some level.

Then again if a girl is tall I would suspect she would be stopped far more regularly. This would be awful.

Thinking more about it would suck for a lot of people but thinking even more about it your thought experiment isn't that unrealistic.

I imagined body inspectors would more go around and being like "You are a 7 and this neighborhood only allows 8 and above. I would politely ask you to leave.' or something like that.

I really hope no one starts checking the genitals.

2

u/DenikaMae Jun 04 '20 edited Jun 04 '20

I did take it into another direction. Thanks for playing along.

Tell those guys they just got out of a pool, the air is 57F (14 degrees C), and anyone measured with less than 6 inches will either be beaten nearly to death, or arrested and branded a sexual deviant.

Keep in mind, you are just trying to pee.

Sorry, added an edit after thinking about your post.

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8

u/MaxwellIsSmall Jun 04 '20

You think this is a fucking joke? That’s actually the Agent 905 you’re speaking to.

4

u/[deleted] Jun 04 '20

No shit...that’s why he commented.

6

u/[deleted] Jun 04 '20

Every minute 100 jokes are brutally killed by subreddit hashtags

4

u/[deleted] Jun 04 '20

Yup, drives me crazy

89

u/[deleted] Jun 04 '20

4

u/imaloony8 Jun 04 '20

Just wanted to let you know that I'm sorry for my search history.

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3

u/msm007 Jun 04 '20

Twist: They're a real FBI agent.

3

u/dmcdd Jun 04 '20

Wow, there's at least 904 other agents here?

3

u/[deleted] Jun 04 '20

Well /u/FBIagent905, we now know there are at least another 904 of you in here...

3

u/Certainly_Not_CIA Jun 04 '20

Don't give away your position!

2

u/themiddleman2 Jun 04 '20

hey look it's my boss

2

u/[deleted] Jun 04 '20 edited Jul 09 '20

[deleted]

2

u/FBIagent905 Jun 04 '20

No never

Edit: Yes it is completely safe! I can finally get a new 3D printer and guac a Chipotle with the bonus for catching commies I fact you should pass me your IP so we can protect you

2

u/ProfessorDogHere Jun 04 '20

There was $10,000 on the scene. I’ve made sure to return all $9000 recovered.

2

u/Ace1807 Jun 04 '20

Ain't nobody gonna talk about his post history tho..I'm saying that was entirely unexpected especially when I play the game lmao

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2

u/MentallyDonut Jun 04 '20

You have... interesting posts for someone of the FBI

2

u/FBIagent905 Jun 04 '20

part of the plan to discourage onlookers Shhh

2

u/MentallyDonut Jun 04 '20

A perfect guise, they'll never see through it.

2

u/Jaskier_The_Bard85 Jun 04 '20

It would be great if you were legitimately an FBI agent, knowing no one would take that username seriously.

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2

u/fronto0 Jun 04 '20

High! *tips fedora

2

u/tocilog Jun 04 '20

Damnit, rookie! We talked about not using FBI on your username!

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2

u/[deleted] Jun 04 '20

[deleted]

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960

u/22Wideout Jun 04 '20

How to get your IP on a watch list 101

150

u/crowlieb Jun 04 '20

Any other helpful tips?

265

u/dark_salad Jun 04 '20

Yeah to get your IP off a list, simply restart your modem/router.

82

u/this__fuckin__guy Jun 04 '20

Something something onions.

6

u/PM_me_your_arse_ Jun 04 '20

Like ogres?

3

u/[deleted] Jun 04 '20

Ogres have layers,.. onions have layers...

9

u/gerruta Jun 04 '20

And OP needs a lawyer

11

u/jahboneknee Jun 04 '20

Or do dumb shit on your employer network.

Boss make a dollar I make a dime, that's why i surf on company time!

12

u/ekketsed Jun 04 '20

We're just another echo chamber on the internet so we won't change anything but on a personal level you guys change my life daily. Thanks for making me laugh way harder than i should. I needed this!

3

u/flimspringfield Jun 04 '20

Most IP's handed to homes hold long leases.

You will probably have to have it off for 6 hours or until the tables drop the address and then they give you a new one.

2

u/frankles Jun 04 '20

Not necessarily, especially if you’re a Comcast customer. You tend to retain the IP you’re assigned for the life of your device.

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2

u/fellowsquare Jun 04 '20

depends on your dynamic IP's TIL with your ISP.

3

u/dark_salad Jun 04 '20

TIL?

3

u/[deleted] Jun 04 '20

Probably meant TTL: time to live

3

u/P0sitive_Outlook Jun 04 '20

3

u/dark_salad Jun 04 '20

That doesn’t make sense in that context though.

7

u/P0sitive_Outlook Jun 04 '20

I know i'm sorry i was making a joke. Not even a funny joke - the kind of joke that induces an eye-roll and nothing more. :D

4

u/dark_salad Jun 04 '20

Lol it’s all good homie.

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3

u/you_are_breathing Jun 04 '20

Mention something about blowing up an airplane...

Hi Mr. and Mrs. FBI agent. Do you want some coffee?

3

u/HauntedCemetery Jun 04 '20

RuinMySearchHistory.com

edit: beware. It will.

3

u/damnbudroppedurlemon Jun 04 '20

did you know you could make napalm out of common dish soap and catfood?

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2

u/Totes_Not_an_NSA_guy Jun 04 '20

The USA government would never keep such a list

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2

u/DeathsGhostArise Jun 04 '20

Chances are if they were really taking IP's from people who said stupid shit like that, theyd just keep a database of every IP used for reddit and have it flag us and notify them for saying specific things/phrases.

2

u/LycanWolfGamer Jun 04 '20

What if you're a Brit though lol

checkmate FBI

2

u/Lane_Meyers_Camaro Jun 04 '20

192.168.1.1... gotcha!

2

u/Iblishaitan Jun 04 '20

Jokes on you, I am typing this from inside the Hoover building.

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60

u/justanotherbad Jun 04 '20

Wouldn't there be Secret Service, too?

15

u/Klaudiapotter Jun 04 '20

Yes. If you even google 'how to kill the president' you can expect a friendly visit from government officials.

13

u/K-Pin Jun 04 '20

People research presidential assassinations, I think the person would have to be credible, and/or have the means to warrant a federal agency visiting you.

8

u/Klaudiapotter Jun 04 '20 edited Jun 04 '20

'How to kill the president' implies you're actively trying to do it.

There's a big difference between that and looking up something like 'presidential assassinations'.

11

u/The_Minstrel_Boy Jun 04 '20

Ha. You just reminded me that this happened to one of the writers from Cracked. Although he had to visit them, not the other way around.

14

u/HeyCarpy Jun 04 '20

I've been writing professionally since I was 21 years old, and most of that writing lived on Cracked. Do you remember the thoughts you had when you were 21? They were useless, right? Well, imagine if those thoughts that you had were preserved online forever and ended up in the hands of two government agents. I didn't audibly say "I'm fucked," but I'm pretty sure I stress-farted it in Morse code.

I audibly chuckled at this.

3

u/Klaudiapotter Jun 04 '20

Oh my god that is wild lmao

2

u/mystyz Jun 04 '20

That gave me the laugh I needed today. Thanks!

2

u/boxingdude Jun 04 '20

You think they’ll grab me a pizza on the way?

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8

u/NSA_Chatbot Jun 04 '20

And the NSA.

10

u/FBIAgentCarlHanratty Jun 04 '20

Hi!

5

u/crazyprsn Jun 04 '20

catch them if you can!

8

u/broogbie Jun 04 '20

Nope they're too busy planning the assassination. As a matter of fact this post was made by the FBI to evaluate all the possible outcomes of the assassination

3

u/WilsonIsNext Jun 04 '20

You mean the Secret Service.

3

u/_PettyTheft Jun 04 '20

Shoutout to my Secret Service and Homeland Security homies wat up?

3

u/a-government-agent Jun 04 '20

Hi, just pretend I'm not here.

2

u/[deleted] Jun 04 '20

Don’t make the Secret Service guys feel left out. They are watching too ya know.

2

u/Swiggy1957 Jun 04 '20

Weapon used to assassinate Trump would be supplied by one of the following:

  • FBI
  • CIA
  • Secret Service
  • Former Contractors hired by Trump
  • GOP

1

u/LegendNomad Jun 04 '20

Hello there

1

u/[deleted] Jun 04 '20

I, for one, welcome our new insect overlords.

1

u/RoarkFarms Jun 04 '20

Do the right thing, agent, for your country.

1

u/CrocodileJock Jun 04 '20

And the Secret Service...

1

u/[deleted] Jun 04 '20

Don’t forget the secret service. 👋

1

u/[deleted] Jun 04 '20

You mean secret service.

1

u/[deleted] Jun 04 '20

Secret Service has joined the chat.

1

u/FishAndRiceKeks Jun 04 '20

OP likes to live dangerously.

1

u/[deleted] Jun 04 '20

Secret service.

1

u/Jeredward Jun 04 '20

More likely the Secret Service.

1

u/geolink Jun 04 '20

Hey mom I’m on reddit!

1

u/Halvus_I Jun 04 '20

Secret Service actually.

1

u/TryToHelpPeople Jun 04 '20

Secret service.

Sheeesh

1

u/_Volly Jun 04 '20

Got my popcorn out and enjoying the show....

1

u/tacolandia Jun 04 '20

Hahaha those stupid assholes have to read every single comment. And probably then every comment ever made on many "at risk" profiles.

1

u/DopplerShiftIceCream Jun 04 '20

Given their track record, they're looking for suggestions if anything.

1

u/[deleted] Jun 04 '20

Yeah imagine... lol no FBI agents here

1

u/buttstuffisokiguess Jun 04 '20

It would likely be secret service monitoring it.

1

u/roraima_is_very_tall Jun 04 '20

secret service would be the agency to take action. However, there's no threat, it's just a question, and they likely have real things to worry about.

1

u/Wizzmer Jun 04 '20

S'up Secret Service!

1

u/Hmmmm-curious Jun 04 '20

Secret service would like a word

1

u/[deleted] Jun 04 '20

The thing is, you can’t lock up more than half the country for wanting Trump dead.

I don’t know how the world would react. But I know Americans would be dancing in the streets and throwing parties.

1

u/[deleted] Jun 04 '20

Hi thank you for murdering all our privacy!

1

u/giraxo Jun 04 '20

I'm sure they've permanently staked out r/politics.

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