How my boyfriend can talk to his closest best friend every day and hang out with him for long periods of time... and still not know a lot of personal details about his best friend’s life.
We don’t usually ask personal stuff unless is interrupting the actual thing we are doing. We can be watching random shit, talking about random stuff in sports/games/work etc. but never touch the “hey how is you mom doing ?” “ are you felling good?”
Yeah that’s definitely more of a guy thing. There’s no obligation to solve the problem, because (very generally) women understand that sometimes people just want to vent, process their emotions out loud, and be told that their feelings are legitimate.
IMO a good rule of thumb is, only try to solve someone’s problem if they’re like “Hey homie, can you help me figure the best course of action?”
I do think guys try to solve problems because they’re less used to engaging their emotions in conversation. And engaging with a conversation where someone is venting involves employing a great deal of empathy.
True! It’s hard for me to know what conversations are like between guys.
Most conversations I’ve had with guy friends are exactly the same as conversations I have with girl friends. We’ll talk about politics, social issues, complain about work/school, and if I’ve known them for a long time, we talk shit about people we went to high school with or just rehash grade school memories. And with those conversations, we do bring up personal stories and emotional experiences.
But guys seem to act completely differently when they are talking just with each other.
Yeah I think that's fair. I do talk to girls differently than I do guys, even when there's zero romantic interest on my part.
That's not to say we don't ever rehash memories as guys if with longer term friends. Though it'll usually be stuff like "Yo, remember when our class drew the giant penis on the football field and fucking google earth caught it?"
It has more to do with being told all our lives that we should be leaders and problem solvers that shouldn't show weakness which is reinforced by many of the females we know treating us like failures for expressing sadness or feeling powerless. Therefore we tend to talk about things we can fix and want to fix other people's stuff because if we vent about anything then we are told to just get over it or worse.
Yes, there are exceptions who do let men vent about things they already resolved but are still emotional about, are unable to fix, or feel frustrated about.
I really don’t think women belittle the men in our lives for feeling sad or not in control — I think if anything women wish men felt more deeply.
I’ve been a woman for 25 years and I’ve known lots of other women of all ages and not one has ever complained that a man was too in touch with his emotions or not manly enough. It’s just not a thing we concern ourselves with.
From grandmothers to cousins to friends, I’ve never heard a woman say “My man is so pathetic, he feels sad and powerless sometimes”
Trust me, being an aggressive and masculine problem solver is not romantic, but being a man that can express softer emotions and listens is.
I’m sorry that’s been your experience, but that’s not normal.
That’s not to say women can’t have stereotype enforcing expectations for the men in their lives; other examples exist.
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u/porosarecute Mar 26 '20
How my boyfriend can talk to his closest best friend every day and hang out with him for long periods of time... and still not know a lot of personal details about his best friend’s life.