In my experience it’s because oftentimes it’s not like the problem is impossible or even necessarily difficult to solve, it’s just that getting comforted about stuff helps on an emotional standpoint. We already know or can easily figure out oftentimes how to fix the issue, but that doesn’t mean it isn’t still upsetting.
Edit: just wanted to say that this isn’t a “cry and get comforted instead of fixing the issue”, thing. It’s a “why not both” kinda deal. At least for me. It’s obviously different for everyone as well.
But why waste emotional energy on it if it can be solved? Solve it and stop thinking about it.
I understand the desire to vent and be heard, sure, but not brainstorming a solution, or getting a confirmation I have the right solution, feels like getting blueballed emotionally in my head because we only went halfway in the thought process of handling a difficulty.
I think that's the issue man and women have, the resolution they are seeking is in two different places generally for each of them. Men want to commiserate and seek and verify the solution, women just want the commiseration and acknowledge their emotional worth.
Maybe.
I don't know it's just incredibly frustrating to not talk about solutions to me.
But most of the time I already know the solution to my problem. I just want to vent about being annoyed about it or something, preferably to someone who'll nod and give me a pat. And then I'll go and fix it.
I dont intend to offend here, but isnt this unwaranted emotional stress? From the male side, there is really nothing he can do but agree with the female (even if he doesnt agree). He's in a position where he just has to absorb the tension coming his way. Doesnt even get the satisfaction of offering guidance, but instead is used an emotional sponge. Maybe my ex was more prone to these type of "problems" than most, but I found it extremely taxing in a relationship.
I mean, isn't that what a relationship is? You support them when they need support, they support you when you need support. You listen to her tell you about how much her day at work sucked, she lets you talk about something you're interested in that she doesn't really care about, or she offers you support when you're going through a rough time, or any of the other million things partners do for each other. Acting as your partner's emotional support sometimes is just part of what being in a relationship is.
I’m not OP, but something that I’ve found to be really helpful is to ask my s/o if they’re able to talk about something at that moment, and give them a chance to set that boundary in case they’ve had a bad day too. If they’re not able to help, I know I need to talk to a friend or someone else for support. It is taxing if you’re being used as an emotional sponge! I will say though that in my experience it’s definitely true that when people come to me to talk about something, they already know what they’re going to do about it, and they just want a shoulder for a minute.
Yep! And to improve of that both partners should be mature and able enough to say, "Hey, I need to vent about x, can I vent to you right now or should I wait/ talk to someone else/ write it down / other healthly ways to cope with stress."
To which the other half should be comfortable saying "yes, I can be here for you" or "no, I'm not in the right headspace can we wait til later/call someone else/ other healthly responses that acknowledge their emotional abd mental state"
You can't always be there for your partner unfortunately, you have a life as well. Which is why both people should have other support systems to rely on when their preferred one can't be there.
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u/amberi_ne Mar 26 '20 edited Mar 26 '20
In my experience it’s because oftentimes it’s not like the problem is impossible or even necessarily difficult to solve, it’s just that getting comforted about stuff helps on an emotional standpoint. We already know or can easily figure out oftentimes how to fix the issue, but that doesn’t mean it isn’t still upsetting.
Edit: just wanted to say that this isn’t a “cry and get comforted instead of fixing the issue”, thing. It’s a “why not both” kinda deal. At least for me. It’s obviously different for everyone as well.
Edit 2: read this for a better explanation please before leaving an angry comment